I finally remembered.
Parenting with Love & Logic!! THIS book is great. I kept trying to remember the title to include it in my earlier post but couldn't. Anyways it's a great book and some places (our church did) offer classes based on these books (so you can actually engage in conversation with other parents and get some feedback).
HOW do we step back and take it easy? Every sound in this tiny apartment makes me want to lose it. I feel like we don't have the mental capacity to handle normal child behavior... clearly our problem, not his, but we just can't seem to deal? My DH is constantly using threats - do this or no (toys, dinner?, whatever) which of course I never allow him to follow through on anyway. He seems to be using arbitrary timeouts when I'm not around - time out for yelling out of frustration? And I keep saying things like, "You know better than that" - but does he? And even if he does, can he really control it?
First, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your DS. I really feel for all of you. Add sleep deprivation and a sometimes high-needs baby into the mix, and I know that it can be a real, real tough situation. My only suggestion at this point: to the bolded in your quote above, have you considered letting your husband follow through and impose the consequences that he thinks are appropriate? He's a parent, too...his ideas and instincts ought to be respected as well as yours are, right? Or have you considered taking this approach yourself? We're not talking about spanking here-- we're talking about consequences. You can look at what he's doing as "threatening" or you can look at it as an attempt to discipline, impose consequences and bring some order into what is clearly a chaotic situation.
There are debates about this all the time, but here's the truth: Gentle Discipline (as defined by mothering.com, which is hosting this discussion) does not preclude the use of rules and consequences. Some people think that it does or that it should....but that's not in the UA for this forum, and it's also not something that Dr. Sears (among others) has ever written. If I were you, I might try a gentle form of consistent and age-appropriate consequences for unacceptable behavior and see if, after a week or two, anything changes. As far as I can tell, you have nothing to lose by just giving it a try.
Good luck to you. :)
anjsmama, I don't like it when people respond to my posts with nothing to offer except "Me too!" but here I am going to do it anyway! I'm in almost exactly the same situation. DD is almost 3 (33 months). DS is 4 months, and like your DD, he's a super easy baby but goes from happy to ear-piercing screaming in a flash, and DH finds it maddening. We just moved, like you. DH and I want to use gentle discipline but get so frustrated with DD that we yell a lot more than we want to. We don't know what to do instead. My DH, who is the stay-at-home parent (I work full-time from home), is much worse than I am about losing his temper and less sold on the whole gentle discipline idea. I really don't know what to tell him to do instead!
So--nothing to offer except my sympathies, and my thanks to the other posters in this thread for their thoughts.