How do you do it? How do you manage to not tear your hair out at your kids behaivour??? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 02:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
LoveOurBabies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: In an Australian kitchen
Posts: 621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Let's just say I've had a rough day. A non sleeping newborn (because his siblings CAN'T SEEM TO BE QUIET AFTER THOUSANDS OF WARNINGS), children who do nothing but squabble and whine and pick at eachother mercilessly.

 

I'd like to think that I'm diplomatic. I've always preferred to get at the heart of the matter and solve it amicably, instead of punishing without much understanding behind it. But right now I have three children (aged 7, 5 and 3) all sitting down in seperate spots (and have been doing so for an hour) and are NOT allowed to even so much as utter one word to eachother or touch anything or do anything other than breathe (and go to toilet). This is my substitute instead of smacking them because all I can see right now is red and I'm thinking of why the hell I chose not to smack when all the 'smacked' children I know IRL are so well behaved and mine are not.

 

Their baby sibling is asleep (finally) and I feel like I'm either going to pull my hair out or sob like a child (or both).

 

How do I get them to listen? I unfortunately don't have time to wade through a 300 page book on discipline. I can barely manage to get through the day so I'm in desperate need of quick advice - Stuff I can implement. I often yell to the walls when I am frustrated, calm down and have a good talk and cuddle with misbehaving child afterwards. But after hours and hours of absolute crap from all three (and not listening to even basic stuff), I no longer have it in me to be diplomatic. And even if I did? Where do I start? There are so many things that they did wrong today, I wouldn't know where to begin with each one.

 

How do you:

-Get your child/ren to be quiet when the baby is asleep?

-Stop children from squabbling endlessly with their sibling? (and I mean EVERY FIVE MINUTES over EVERYTHING and that's all three of them) guilty.gif

-Keep yourself calm in moments of pure chaos?

 

I am prone to PPD and when I get it, it's not simply feeling low and helpless (it's to the point of suicide). I cannot go down that path again. The childrens behaviour is NOT helping me maintain some sort of normalcy - they are driving me to the point of insanity. They can't single handedly cause my PPD but they are not helping the cause. I *know* if they behaved for the most part that I'd feel a hell of a lot calmer and in focus/control and would be able to deal with the unpleasant parts more effectively, but I just need that break... They need to learn to behave... Help please?

 

help.gif

 

 

 

 


Me: DH:

Our babies: Our researcher Our comedian Our boundless energy Our streaker Our cuddly bear
LoveOurBabies is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 06:46 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

HUGS mama!!!  I only have one, but couldn't read and not post. My only advice would be to get some help. Someone to take the older 3 outside and let you nap with the baby.

 

Also, could you implement a daily quiet time? Everyone in their rooms reading books/listening to very quiet music? If some of the older sibs share a bedroom, put one in the bedroom and one in the family room, or other space.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#3 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 07:31 AM
 
alicewyf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 975
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

LOL I was all ready to come in here with advice but then I read that you have four kids. I have one and one due in June. I have no idea if my advice is even useful to you, but here goes.

 

We've had great success, when immediate obedience is imperative, with consequences like taking toys away. Not sure if your kids would respond to that. My daughter is almost 3.

 

I would have no idea how to discipline the other kids. Can your husband talk to them, and maybe set up consequences for waking the baby? That would take the pressure off of you, and you'd just have to say, "I will be informing your dad when he gets home," and he can take care of it. Sometimes even in gentle discipline, even when I totally consider myself a feminist, my husband is more successful in getting our daughter to behave. I think it is the deeper voice or something.

 

I think I'd also try to get at least some time every day having special time with each kid--even if it is just 20 mins. They probably miss you and want some special attention from you since the new baby has arrived. I know with depression the LAST thing you want is people needing things from you emotionally, but I bet your kids would respond to special mommy time really well.

 

Good luck mama, I'll be praying for you!
 


Alicewyf: doula, wife to DH, and mama to Lillian (7/09) and Daniel (6/12).
alicewyf is offline  
#4 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 09:53 AM
 
MichelleZB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,018
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)

How quiet do they need to be? My newborn happily slept through symphony concerts, crowded bars at midnight, and raucous house parties. Perhaps it might not be a bad thing if your baby can learn to sleep through at least some yelling.

MichelleZB is offline  
#5 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 09:55 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

How quiet do they need to be? My newborn happily slept through symphony concerts, crowded bars at midnight, and raucous house parties. Perhaps it might not be a bad thing if your baby can learn to sleep through at least some yelling.

 

Symphony music generally puts children to sleep. Even right after a nap.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#6 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 10:48 AM
 
MichelleZB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,018
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

 

 

Symphony music generally puts children to sleep. Even right after a nap.

 

Not mine! I'm an orchestral violinist by trade and take baby Carl to rehearsals. He'll sleep if he's tired, but if he isn't--which is most of the time--he'll just stay awake and watch.

MichelleZB is offline  
#7 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 08:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
LoveOurBabies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: In an Australian kitchen
Posts: 621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

How quiet do they need to be? My newborn happily slept through symphony concerts, crowded bars at midnight, and raucous house parties. Perhaps it might not be a bad thing if your baby can learn to sleep through at least some yelling.

 

No it's not a bad thing, but some babies (like some adults) are light sleepers. I'm not allowing a newborn to be sleep deprived simply because my other three don't know how to use their manners and be considerate.

 

It's great that your baby has adjusted to your level of daily noise, but not all do. Also there is a difference between consistently loud noise all throughout (like music or a club) then say, a patch of silence followed by a sudden loud toddler scream.

 

Suffice to say, your comment was not very helpful.


Me: DH:

Our babies: Our researcher Our comedian Our boundless energy Our streaker Our cuddly bear
LoveOurBabies is offline  
#8 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 09:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
LoveOurBabies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: In an Australian kitchen
Posts: 621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by alicewyf View Post

LOL I was all ready to come in here with advice but then I read that you have four kids. I have one and one due in June. I have no idea if my advice is even useful to you, but here goes.

 

We've had great success, when immediate obedience is imperative, with consequences like taking toys away. Not sure if your kids would respond to that. My daughter is almost 3.

 

I would have no idea how to discipline the other kids. Can your husband talk to them, and maybe set up consequences for waking the baby? That would take the pressure off of you, and you'd just have to say, "I will be informing your dad when he gets home," and he can take care of it. Sometimes even in gentle discipline, even when I totally consider myself a feminist, my husband is more successful in getting our daughter to behave. I think it is the deeper voice or something.

 

I think I'd also try to get at least some time every day having special time with each kid--even if it is just 20 mins. They probably miss you and want some special attention from you since the new baby has arrived. I know with depression the LAST thing you want is people needing things from you emotionally, but I bet your kids would respond to special mommy time really well.

 

Good luck mama, I'll be praying for you!
 

 


Thank you mama! I will try moving some discipline over to dh as it may just be the key to instant obedience. Thankfully he is on board with GD, so it's something that I can happily do.

 

You're right - they do miss me. I miss them very much too! Just finding it hard to extend myself emotionally when I already feel over stretched. I did have a good talk with my eldest last night and explained that when the baby is tired and cranky, mommy also becomes tired and cranky and my mood is no reflection on my love for her or any of her siblings - it's just pure exhaustion. She understood, gave me big cuddles and said she wanted to learn how to hold the baby so she could relieve some of the 'carrying/soothing' burden for me, so that I could have a break.

luxlove.gif

Now I realize the value of the endless nursing/soothing/co-sleeping/gentle talks. It creates beautiful children like this!

I told her all that I needed was for her to listen to me when I ask for quiet activity time and nothing more. And to help her siblings instead of bickering with them, because that helps me too.

 

Thank you for the prayers!

 

 

 


Me: DH:

Our babies: Our researcher Our comedian Our boundless energy Our streaker Our cuddly bear
LoveOurBabies is offline  
#9 of 17 Old 04-23-2012, 09:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
LoveOurBabies's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: In an Australian kitchen
Posts: 621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama View Post

HUGS mama!!!  I only have one, but couldn't read and not post. My only advice would be to get some help. Someone to take the older 3 outside and let you nap with the baby.

 

Also, could you implement a daily quiet time? Everyone in their rooms reading books/listening to very quiet music? If some of the older sibs share a bedroom, put one in the bedroom and one in the family room, or other space.

 


Thank you mama! smile.gif

 

I unfortunately don't have anyone to take the other three. Not until DH comes home at 7pm and by then it's dark and cold.

 

I do like the idea of quiet time. How often would you delegate quiet time? Newborns sleep a lot and not always on schedule. crap.gif Maybe every 2nd nap? Twice a day at set times? I don't want to be unreasonable and right now I can't think very clearly on reasonable expectations. Your input is most appreciated.

 

I think seperating them for quiet time is a great idea. As they spend all of their time together, I believe they may be growing sick of eachother (naturally).

 

 


Me: DH:

Our babies: Our researcher Our comedian Our boundless energy Our streaker Our cuddly bear
LoveOurBabies is offline  
#10 of 17 Old 04-24-2012, 06:57 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveOurBabies View Post

Thank you mama! smile.gif

 

I unfortunately don't have anyone to take the other three. Not until DH comes home at 7pm and by then it's dark and cold.

 

I do like the idea of quiet time. How often would you delegate quiet time? Newborns sleep a lot and not always on schedule. crap.gif Maybe every 2nd nap? Twice a day at set times? I don't want to be unreasonable and right now I can't think very clearly on reasonable expectations. Your input is most appreciated.

 

I think seperating them for quiet time is a great idea. As they spend all of their time together, I believe they may be growing sick of eachother (naturally).

 

 

 

I only have one, so I might not know the proper expectations for kids of different ages!! I would think you could try a few things and see what seems to work the best. You are right that newborns sleep alot, will yours sleep in a moby or other carrier some of the time?

 

As for quiet time, try doing it after meals. Give each child a few books, or a few quiet toys to keep them busy for a while and do an hour after breakfast, and an hour after lunch. If the breakfast quiet time doesn't work, skip it, but definitely do some quiet time after lunch. An hour? 1.5 hours? Not sure what will work best. After lunch make sure everyone potty's and has a drink, and then send them off to different parts of the house for quiet time.

 

Try also to get outside as much as humanly possible to run off all that crazy kid energy. Since there are 3 of them you should be able to sit and watch and snuggle the newborn.

 

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#11 of 17 Old 04-24-2012, 02:03 PM
 
kathydavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've found that a mix of reasoning with them (on their level) and filling their time with constructive things helps. It seems like explaining that stuff and teaching them why we do this over the other thing is helpful. Of course, it doesn't work until they have enough language to understand most of it, but when kids feel like they are part of the conversation and are making compromises then it can work. And I keep a bunch of constructive things for them to do (make stuff for the next holiday, can you help me with x?, color a picture for the grandparents, make something out of clay / craft stuff / etc) to distract them from fighting. One craft each for the kids where they don't have to share anything can distract them most of the time.


Life is either a great adventure, or nothing.  -Hellen Keller 

kathydavid is offline  
#12 of 17 Old 04-24-2012, 09:38 PM
 
MichelleZB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,018
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 25 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveOurBabies View Post

 

 

No it's not a bad thing, but some babies (like some adults) are light sleepers. I'm not allowing a newborn to be sleep deprived simply because my other three don't know how to use their manners and be considerate.

 

It's great that your baby has adjusted to your level of daily noise, but not all do. Also there is a difference between consistently loud noise all throughout (like music or a club) then say, a patch of silence followed by a sudden loud toddler scream.

 

Suffice to say, your comment was not very helpful.

 

Oh, sorry. Not meaning to be unhelpful, of course! I wasn't sure whether or not your kid just wouldn't sleep with the noise (which seems to be the case) or whether you were simply insisting on more quiet than was needed.

MichelleZB is offline  
#13 of 17 Old 04-25-2012, 08:46 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveOurBabies View Post

 

No it's not a bad thing, but some babies (like some adults) are light sleepers. I'm not allowing a newborn to be sleep deprived simply because my other three don't know how to use their manners and be considerate.

 

It's great that your baby has adjusted to your level of daily noise, but not all do. Also there is a difference between consistently loud noise all throughout (like music or a club) then say, a patch of silence followed by a sudden loud toddler scream.

 

Suffice to say, your comment was not very helpful.

 

Unfortunately, toddlers sometimes scream and there is no preventing it. Do you have a yard? Can you put baby down for a nap (once/twice per day) and then grab a baby monitor and watch the older kids in the yard? Then at least the baby can't hear them, and you can sit in the sun (on sunny days that is) - viatmin D is really good for you, and I know when I get enough it helps a TON.

 

Some of this is just going to be telling yourself, "This too shall pass, this too shall pass".

 

Hugs on the PPD part, I had that to some extent and it was awful (tho it was my ex causing it, not my baby!).

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#14 of 17 Old 04-25-2012, 04:04 PM
 
mamalisa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Germantown WI
Posts: 8,312
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Ds was almost 5 when dd was born.  One day, after a million times of asking him not to yell when the baby was sleeping he woke her up again.  Now, you have to understand that this child cried all.the.time.  If she was asleep a battle had been won, I couldn't take another minute of her not sleeping and screaming.  I picked up the crying baby and plopped her right on his lap told him she was his problem now, and left the room.  I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes while he sat there with the screeching baby on his lap and honest to heaven, he never woke her up again.  Natural consequences and all.  It's funny now, but in the moment I seriously just lost my shit.  But it worked so whatever :)

 

What about toys they are only allowed to play at quiet time?  Something hateful like play dough buys hours of near silence with only a small issue of digging it out of the carpet later. Movies or computer time are good super quiet activities.

 

When mine were little and things got crazy I stopped trying to do anything but feed and mother.  Dishes, cleaning, chores...forget it.  Just keep them happy and alive for a few days, it really made a difference in my state of mind.

mamalisa is offline  
#15 of 17 Old 04-25-2012, 04:32 PM
 
purplerose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 899
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

mamalisa, that isn't a bad idea!! very tempting, hmmm....

 

OP, i know how you feel re: your smacked children comment!

 

as to the comment about sleeping through things, i can't even sleep through my dogs walking around. i tried for weeks to have the baby sleep through the noise in the house and she never stayed asleep. some people are just really light sleepers.

 

i don't have very good advice, as i didn't have kids too young to understand.


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

purplerose is offline  
#16 of 17 Old 04-26-2012, 07:03 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post

Ds was almost 5 when dd was born.  One day, after a million times of asking him not to yell when the baby was sleeping he woke her up again.  Now, you have to understand that this child cried all.the.time.  If she was asleep a battle had been won, I couldn't take another minute of her not sleeping and screaming.  I picked up the crying baby and plopped her right on his lap told him she was his problem now, and left the room.  I stood in the kitchen for a few minutes while he sat there with the screeching baby on his lap and honest to heaven, he never woke her up again.  Natural consequences and all.  It's funny now, but in the moment I seriously just lost my shit.  But it worked so whatever :)

 

What about toys they are only allowed to play at quiet time?  Something hateful like play dough buys hours of near silence with only a small issue of digging it out of the carpet later. Movies or computer time are good super quiet activities.

 

When mine were little and things got crazy I stopped trying to do anything but feed and mother.  Dishes, cleaning, chores...forget it.  Just keep them happy and alive for a few days, it really made a difference in my state of mind.

 

Or an easel with paints? An easel for each child? Rotating different super awesome things might help.

 

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#17 of 17 Old 04-27-2012, 12:02 PM
 
Callimom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,914
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh mama it sounds like you are in a tough spot.

Gently, I would leave the big questions about discipline aside for the very short term and move to streamlining your life and getting some support so that you have more reserves for all your babies.

Can you get a mother's helper for a couple of afternoons a week? Can you swing a cleaning lady?

Can you plan crockpot meals, soups for lunch, simple breakfasts so that meals are not a burden?

By lightening that load perhaps then you can spend nap time engaging your other three in quiet activities that helps them connect to each other and to you - things like stories on the couch, family art time, etc.  Make a list of alternatives and stick it on your fridge so you don't have to think.

Do you have a local park or trail where you could take the kids so they can be a bit more active, while hopefully the baby naps in a carrier or a stroller? A moms group you could go to? Library programs etc?  If they are bickering with each other some more stimulating activities and a change of scenery may be helpful to offset that and change the dynamic.

 

I also agree with trying hard to create some rhythm in your day so that kids know what is coming and have that sense of security. Try to build active and quiet times into that so that they are more capable of and open to quiet times.

 

As for longer term discipline questions I'm a big fan of working together to make some family rules (simple, general ones like: be kind, listen to each other, be respectful) as a way to help guide kids' behaviour. I am often stunned how well these work in our own family.

To help keep us all on track we have them on our fridge as a daily reminder.

To keep calm, I have some mantras stuck around the house to help remind me of my larger goals. I also try to remember to take 3 large breaths before reacting. That simple thing can often shift everything.

gotta run

hope this helps

hang in there - it gets better! But please also keep in touch with your healthcare provider for support in your efforts not to have PPD affect you so deeply again.


 


Blessed partner to a great guy, and mama to 4 amazing kids. Unfortunate target of an irrationally angry IRL stalker.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~ Buddha

Callimom is offline  
Reply

Tags
Gentle Discipline

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off