HELP MY TODDLERS GONE CRAZY SINCE I GAVE BIRTH - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 28 Old 05-28-2012, 01:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know there is an adjustment period but IDK what to do with my toddler anymore! She goes nuts all day screaming. I have a 2 week old and she hits/kicks/pinches/jumps on her any chance she gets.

 

She was completely AP'd and we have always practiced GD with her and nothing seems to be working now. She witnessed the birth, we got her a special gift "from the baby", and I am tandem nursing. I tried just talking to her, that turned into physically removing her from babies presence and me or DH sitting with her in her room talking about not hurting. Last night after telling her to not hurt the baby like 4 times she clonked her in the head and I slapped DD1 on the butt. I mean I am really loosing it.

 

I keep re-reading the Dr Sears Discipline Book about the new siblings and we are doing/have done all of it. DH just lost his job too so he is home and DD1 is getting attention from him or me like 24-7. we have a family bed too so the only transition is the baby.

 

DD1 is 32 m/o. I usually nurse both kids at once but nurse DD1 solo upon waking and bedtime. She is really lashing out when I just nurse the baby. She screams it's hers and I tell her it's mommies milk and she says "I need it too". She is nowhere ready to wean but it's causing issues IDK how to handle.

 

NAK


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#2 of 28 Old 05-28-2012, 03:03 PM
 
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Your dd is 2. She is in no way ready to be alone with the newborn. They shouldn't be allowed to be next to each other if she can't control herself. I would wear or hold the newborn, and if I needed to leave her for a couple of minutes, I would put her in a crib, or a playpen, or somewhere dd couldn't reach her.

 

I was 3.5 y/o when my sister was born. My mom left us in a room for a couple of minutes, and came back to see me beating her up for no reason at all.

 

She will get used to the new baby but in the meantime I would watch them like a hawk.

 

GL


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#3 of 28 Old 05-28-2012, 09:34 PM
 
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I just wanted to say that I know the feeling.  My DD still "attacks" her baby brother, and it can happen in a split second, before you realize what's going on, even when you're RIGHT THERE.  Or at least for me it has. 

 

Things are getting a little bit better, I guess, now that DS is almost 11 months old.  But he still gets beat up quite a lot.  It drives me crazy.  I'm sorry that I don't have much advice to offer.  You are doing everything you can do.  Maybe a "special toy basket" for your DD that she can only have when it's feeding time for the new baby?  Or cuddle time and she can pick a book you can read while you feed the little one?  I'm not sure, because I wasn't nursing DD when DS came along.  I hope you find something that works.
 


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#4 of 28 Old 05-29-2012, 05:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by transylvania_mom View Post

Your dd is 2. She is in no way ready to be alone with the newborn. They shouldn't be allowed to be next to each other if she can't control herself. I would wear or hold the newborn, and if I needed to leave her for a couple of minutes, I would put her in a crib, or a playpen, or somewhere dd couldn't reach her.

 

I was 3.5 y/o when my sister was born. My mom left us in a room for a couple of minutes, and came back to see me beating her up for no reason at all.

 

She will get used to the new baby but in the meantime I would watch them like a hawk.

 

GL

This ALL happens while I am holding the baby/baby is in the sling etc. I do not leave the room without the baby ever. She is in the sling almost all day long. She will ive her a kiss then pinch her or just run up and hit her head etc while I'm holding her. She is sneaky about it...


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#5 of 28 Old 05-30-2012, 10:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by transylvania_mom View Post

Your dd is 2. She is in no way ready to be alone with the newborn. They shouldn't be allowed to be next to each other if she can't control herself. I would wear or hold the newborn, and if I needed to leave her for a couple of minutes, I would put her in a crib, or a playpen, or somewhere dd couldn't reach her.

 

I was 3.5 y/o when my sister was born. My mom left us in a room for a couple of minutes, and came back to see me beating her up for no reason at all.

 

She will get used to the new baby but in the meantime I would watch them like a hawk.

 

GL

I completely agree with this comment. She is only two and only God knows what may happen. I would keep on eye on her while she is near the toddler.

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#6 of 28 Old 05-30-2012, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AGAIN I DO NOT LEAVE THEM IN A ROOM ALONE. I CONSTANTLY WEAR THE NEWBORN SHE SEEMS TO FIND WAYS TO ATTACK ANYWAY.
 


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#7 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 10:28 AM
 
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I'm sorry mama. I don't know if these are going to be helpful suggestions so feel free to take it or leave it :) & you may have tried these already but..

Does DD1 have a baby for her to take care of? You could have her change her baby while you're changing DD2, nurse her baby while you're nursing DD2, etc.

also, how would you feel about giving her a place to hit/punch/kick things when she feels like it? after she attacks DD2 you could tell her show her where she CAN attack (a huge yoga ball, a punching bag, a giant teddy bear or something...) and tell her that she may not hit her baby sister but that she can hit this ball/bag/bear. 

 

just throwing ideas out there. thats what community is for right? 

good luck mama. sounds like a super tough time. 

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#8 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 10:50 AM
 
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(Take this or leave it)

 

I almost hit my son......

When my 3yr old was 2 he SCREAMED and CRIED all the timehopmad.gif SO I just got to the point where I just put him in the room and let him do it. As long as he was SAFE he could scream and cry. I told him "you can't cry and scream like that" I would not pay it any more attention. He acts out I just say you can NOT.....then that is it.

 

The way I see it is you want her to get "good" attention and not "bad" attention so she acts "right" then she will get the good attention. By the way I did not give "rewards" for being good.

 

OH a good question is speech? My son did have some delays.

 

NAK 

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#9 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 03:51 PM
 
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It sounds like she's getting a ton of attention.... all while being mean to the baby. Not sure if it would work but one of my older kids went through a phase where he was hitting the baby constantly. We said 'be nice' or 'be gentle' then ignored it. If he tried again we walked away. The behavior stopped quickly. He didn't want everyone to leave him alone. He was not quite three at the time.

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#10 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 03:56 PM
 
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Just another mom throwing an idea out there....

 

I have 3 daughters, the first was 3.5 years old when the 2nd was born and the 2nd was 17 months when the 3rd was born.  When I had my 3rd DD, I hadn't seen any aggression per se towards the new baby, but the 17 month olds affection was literally just as rough and could have been just as dangerous (imagine her trying to "share" her snack or "cover the baby" with a blanket from the head down...)

 

Anyway, I was never into babywearing around the house, unless it was to calm a fussy baby.  Bonded etc. fine, but it just wasn't something that I felt we wanted/had to do... so especially when we had DD3, I made sure that there was a safe place to put the BABY down away from big sister.  Luckily the baby was pretty mellow and was essentially asleep anytime she wasn't eating or pooping for the first several months. So, I put a pack and play in the family room and put a crib tent over it (they are recalled now, but there is probably something similar available) so that DD2 couldn't get in or throw anything in.  Then DD2 could have the run of the house.  I have a close friend who had twins when her older son was 14 months old.  She put a baby gate up in front of the door to her dinning room and had both babies sleep in there so she could easily see them but the older son couldn't hurt them.

 

Other thoughts, DK if this is possible, but is there a way you can nurse in a location that DD1 can't super easily access without you having some warning (like, at least you'd see her coming before the hit or pinch came)?  If snuggling with her while you nurse the baby isn't working, and only leaving the baby vulnerable and you tense... for example, in our family room, there is a corner where the two sides of the couch come together at a right angle- if I sat with my back against one couch and my legs out on the other side the baby was pretty shielded.  One side of the baby was the back of a couch and no one could get to her from that side, the other side of the baby had a long couch sticking off of it and I'd have been able to see DD coming if she was scrambling up trying to get to her sister.

 

Also, maybe DD1 would be willing to watch a few minutes of TV or a DVD or whatever you are OK with that she would think is special during the baby's nursing time?  I get that she is not yet 3 years old, but I DO think that an almost 3 year old can learn not to hit and hurt others.  If your DH is home for now, that is great that you have "back up".  I think that removing DD from you and from the baby when she acts rough is important, both for safety and to show that she isn't go ing to get attention from you by doing something like that.  By the same token, I'd really ham up the appreciation and thanks when you see her acting kindly even for just a second, towards the baby. I think that at her age, she would most likely be able to understand (maybe not the first time, but after a few) an idea such as getting to do something with "just you" as soon as the baby was done nursing, if she let the baby nurse in peace.  Does the baby fall asleep after nursing? maybe that would be a good routine.... nurse, put the baby somewhere safe for a few minutes instead of wearing her, and give older DD 100% of your time and attention.  Maybe there is some kind of physical activity that she likes to do with you that you can't do when you are babywearing?  I know that my kids- at that age- were always sad when I was very pregnant or post partum (c-sections) because that meant no wrestling/tossing them on the bed, etc. 

 

Just brainstorming...hope something works for you!

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#11 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all the help I really appreciate it.love.gif I got irritated before clearly b/c I never said I left them alone together that is just really stupid. Although I guess some people might actually be that dumb...

 

I have seen some improvement the past 2 days. I have been hardcore trying to focus on DD1...

 

I think your right about withdrawing her from us when she does hurt the baby. I can't put the baby down b/c she cries right away. She seems pretty high needs. I did luck out today and got her to take a nap upstairs in our bed so I spent that time painting with DD1. If I can get her to take at least one nap without me this could work a lot better LOL
 


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#12 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 07:29 PM
 
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Hugs! Yeah, I don't know why so many people were saying you shouldn't leave them alone together, because you obviously did not state that was the case. I would not have assumed that based on your post.

 

My DS1 was 33 months when DS2 was born and it was very, very, very hard!! Did I mention it was hard? We did AP and I felt like it had completely failed us. We coslept, but it became impossible to do so all in one bed. Anyway, I feel for you!

 

First, I was also going to suggest nursing in the carrier -- there is a wrap with the moby that allows you to be walking around while baby is nursing. My DS1 would sometimes forget that the baby was around when he was wrapped up in that thing on me and we were doing things together. It was almost like I was pregnant again.

 

I also did tandem nursing. I don't know how that is going for you but I was at my wits end. I gave DS1 2 months notice, and started to talk every day about how when he turned three he was not going to nurse anymore because 3 year olds don't nurse (obviously not necessarily true but something he could understand). We could not simply decrease sessions because he would not go for that, but we did limit it substantially. After a few horrible mornings with him screaming at 5 am that he wanted to nurse, with baby waking to nurse at the same time, I decided no more nursing until 7 am.  So, he had to wait for it, as unhappy as he was about that (and he did eventually accept it). I also typically limited it to 2 minutes (with me counting so probably more like 40 secs sometimes, LOL!). Then, the night before he turned 3, he had his last session. It was very sweet. The next night, he asked, and I responded with empathy, talked about how much he liked it, how wonderful it was, etc. He cried of course but felt cared for. He asked again for several weeks, but the asking was less frequent. Anyway, every mom does what they feel is best but I think it is common to feel fed up and resentful with nursing the older one who gets so demanding for it, so something to think about.

 

Another strategy that I think can be very helpful is to try as much as you can to get in a positive cycle. What I mean by that is to try to avoid as much as you can the angry reaction to the hitting. If possible, try to respond very calmly that it is not okay to hit. No consequences right now, they are just fueling the fire. DD1 feels crappy about DD2 and it is just confirmed when she gets all the punishment. There will be time for that later. Instead, distract, distract, distract. Get involved in something else. Try to remain as cheerful as possible. Paint a smile on your face even if you don't feel like smiling. Catch DD1 doing something cool/funny/interesting and comment on it. Go even further -- narrate exactly what she is doing when she is doing anything that is not negative -- "Oh, look, Cherub is matching all the colors! Oh, look at the way you put that car in there! I see you have added some green marker to that picture, and that line goes all the way around," etc., etc., etc. Try as much as you can to get DD1 involved in things that you need "help" with. We didn't have success getting DS1 involved with baby stuff (doll, diapers, etc.), but he was always willing to press a button for us, or pull open a drawer because our hands were full, etc. It seems silly, but we do kindof ignore them when they are doing the good stuff, and give negative attention when they do the bad. So, if we can turn that around, they might do less of the bad for the negative attention.

 

Also, when you need cooperation and you get obstinance, one thing that worked a lot for us was racing. "okay, who is going to get their buckle on first! On your mark, get set, go!" Somehow that was much more the motivator than, "Put your buckle on." Make things into games/jokes whenever you can. I'm not a very jokey person, and not everyone is, but anything you can do to lighten the mood is helpful.

 

Also, this may not be popular, but you are in survival mode. There is nothing wrong with offering some chocolate to distract, or a tv show from time to time. It is only a short period that it will be like this, and you can phase any excesses out once things are more under control.

 

Hang in there. We had about 3 months of h*ll. At that age, they are naturally at a time of developmental change when they are learning to be defiant, that they have their own ego, and that you can't make them do anything. It is just compounded with the arrival of a younger sibling. You will get through it. Go easy on yourself, and try to go easy on DD1. After about 6 months, things settled down for us, then they got hard again around 12 months for a couple more months (as younger sib does more, infringes upon older sib once again), but then at 18 months things were pretty great. We still have our moments, but I find that the more I can foster joint fun activities, the more they bond and care for each other, and the less attacks we get.

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#13 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 08:51 PM
 
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Thank you, Porcelina, for the hope.


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#14 of 28 Old 05-31-2012, 10:41 PM
 
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Hang in there. We had about 3 months of h*ll. At that age, they are naturally at a time of developmental change when they are learning to be defiant, that they have their own ego, and that you can't make them do anything. It is just compounded with the arrival of a younger sibling. You will get through it. Go easy on yourself, and try to go easy on DD1. After about 6 months, things settled down for us, then they got hard again around 12 months for a couple more months (as younger sib does more, infringes upon older sib once again), but then at 18 months things were pretty great. We still have our moments, but I find that the more I can foster joint fun activities, the more they bond and care for each other, and the less attacks we get.

 

Porcelina summed it up perfectly, in terms of it being H*ll, then getting better and then worse at various stages.  So true!

 

I found going from 1 to 2 so brutally hard.  My boys are 3 yrs 2 months apart.  I also tandem nursed.  I felt I was so unprepared for the extreme difficulty and the mix of emotions that I felt, especially because I was tandem nursing.  And 3 is by far one of the hardest ages ever, and adding a baby to the mix just makes it worse.  I know your dd is not 3 yet, but I found ds1 started getting way harder a few months before his 3rd birthday and now ds2 (still 4 months away from 3) is starting to get way harder.  The adjustment period can be so hard but it truly gets better.  And tandem nursing gets better.  It was one of the most emotionally hard things I have ever done but we made it through and I tandem nursed for a little over 2 years!  I tried weaning not too long after ds2 was born because I hated it so much but ds1 could not handle it at all and I had to give up.  In the beginning, ds1 also nursed a ton but gradually it tapered off to a more manageable amount as he adjusted to everything. 

 

And I can relate to you hitting your dd1 when she hit baby.  I did that a couple of times.  I found it was purely instinctual.  He hurt baby and I immediately reacted and hit him.  The mama bear totally came out!  I do agree, though, that working on a calm, no anger reaction is best.  I am learning this with my 2 year old who is close in age to your dd1.  He is going through a major testing phase right now.  If he gets a reaction from me, good or bad, it greatly increases the likelihood of him repeating the behavior.  He will turn it into a game and doesn't care how upset I get, he will want to keep doing it.  So I'm learning that I have to give him as little of a reaction as possible.  So calmly saying, "gentle to baby" and leave it at that.  She is too little to understand or care that her actions are hurting her sister.  So just stay calm and tell her to be gentle and she'll eventually learn how to treat the baby.  Try not to say "don't _____" because that won't teach her how you want her to behave.

 

Also, one of my favorite parenting things I got from the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey is that what we focus on we get more of.  So focus on how you want her to be and you'll get more of that behavior.  And another great thing to remember (again from Becky Bailey- whenever you are getting upset, you are focusing on what you DON"T want, so you need to stop, and switch gears to focusing on what you do want.  I love this!  So when I am feeling my frustration levels rise and am getting angry, I try to stop and change my tactic.  So as an example, instead of "Boys, stop ______!" (insert problem behavior), I will switch to telling them what I do want them to do.  So I'll give them an idea of something else equally fun for them to do so that they want to do that instead of ______"  Does that make sense?

 

Anyway, reiterating what Porcelina said- hang in there!  It really will get better!!!!!

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#15 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 06:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Definitely been having issues with mama bear! I am trying so hard the past few days now to be calmer and I'm praising DD1 for any and everything.

 

Tandem nursing has actually not phased me at all. At this point I am fine with it and that is all kosher it's just everything else that is hard!

 

We do have a king size bed and we have a good amount of room on it but last night DD1 wanted me to cuddle her all night and kept getting mad when I rolled over to the baby...
 


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#16 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 09:27 AM
 
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Glad tandem nursing isn't hard!  Having that be hard, only makes everything else harder, I think!

 

Don't be too hard on yourself when you do struggle, or the mama bear comes out.  That is one thing I really learned after ds2.  You will have many slip ups and moments you aren't proud of, but the only way to get better is to forgive yourself and keep trying.  I just make sure that I apologize and then I strive to do better. 
 

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#17 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 09:34 AM
 
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Being a mom is hard work. Having a new born is hard work. Keep up the good workhug2.gif

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#18 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really did not know it was going to be THIS hard....uhoh3.gif
 


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#19 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 01:42 PM
 
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My DS2 was born when DS1 was 21 months. I never went through anything so tough in my life! I was also tandom nursing. I frequently lost it with DS1, particularly when DP had to go away for work and I had to deal with nights alone. My only advice is to be kind to yourself and to have faith that gradually things will get so much better.  Another thing that really helped me was to get out of the house a lot with them both and meet up with other mothers and kids. Just some adult time each day was very important to me. I could talk (and laugh!) a bit about everything and my toddler would get to play with his friends.


Happy mama to DS1 (2006), DS2 (2007) & DD (2012)

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#20 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 06:26 PM
 
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oh yeah....huge huge hugs. Going from 1 to 2 was hugely traumatic and without a doubt the most difficult thing I've ever done.

DS was born when DD was 31 months old. DD was high needs, spirited as a baby and toddler, but had mellowed out SOO much. until she got her new brother. She actually weaned on her own during the pregnancy, so I wasn't tandem nursing, but we do all co-sleep in a big old family bed.

Here are the things that worked for us. I won't go into the things that failed abysmally, but that list is even longer :) For when nursing the little guy, DD got the opposite arm, as in, this is your arm, cuddle in close to mommy. I generally held her hands with my free hand, but she wasn't trying to hit the baby, so I'm not sure if that might work for you. I told her the story of her birth over and over during the baby's nursing times. We made a book, DD's special birth story. I told stories about how she was little like the baby, and this is how she acted/what she liked/ etc. I pointed out every single time the baby looked at her, "wow he keeps looking at you. Look how much he loves you" I talked for him, "oh, he says he can't wait to be big like you and be able to xyz by himself" and I narrated everything I did when I wasn't interacting directly with her. I also got us out somewhere every day. If she was running around the playground, it was that much less energy for me to deal with the rest of the day. We also had our bad days, and there was a heckuva lot more tv than I'd like to admit, but I'm pretty sure she wasn't scarred by it forever. And, DS is 10 months now, and for the last many months, the tv has been off. Some days, you enjoy, and some days you get through. The Moby helped us a lot. I made one for DD, and she carried her doll in it. We talked a lot about feelings, anger and sadness. She had the most amazing temper tantrums I've ever experienced in my life. One, inside the library, was very traumatic for me. It ended with me, DS (about 2 months old at the time) in the moby, and DD, screaming at the top of her lungs, tucked under my arm like a football, only to arrive at the car and go, oh crap, how in the world am I going to get them in their carseats?She doesn't remember it. But, through trial and error, I learned what worked for her with temper tantrums, and they have slowly faded back.

The family bed got hard for us for a while. DS is 10 months old now, and it seems to have worked out. DD did NOT like to cuddle into my back at all. Her sleep got crappy. Sometimes, I would sleep with an arm around her and the other around DS. Sometimes, I wouldn't sleep....DH tried to do a lot more to comfort DD at night, and for a long time, that seemed to be totally not working, but then, all of a sudden it seemed to click.

Anyways, sorry this is a rushed ramble, but the little guy is stirring, and if I save this to edit later, I'm sure it will disappear. Just had to chip in and say it will get better. Then, it will most probably get worse again, but it always does get better again. At least so far. And DD looked at me the other day, and with the biggest eyes ever, said, "mommy, I just love him sooo much" 

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#21 of 28 Old 06-01-2012, 06:27 PM
 
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Just want to offer some hugs - I have a 4 month old DS and a 3 1/2 year old DD - I also had no idea it would be this hard.  My DD broke out in hives from stress during my 37 hour labor, threw up the first morning we were home with the baby, and would wake up all the time in the middle of hte night (i sleep ith both of them).  It was so hard for me to see it being so hard on her, and we had had such a great relationship that it made me sad to see how much it was changing.  DD became much more diffucult - her anger was more directed towards me and not the baby.

 

It has gotten SO much better in the past 4-6 weeks.  My DD is getting used to having the baby around, the baby is old enough to nap on his own several hours a day which gives me one on one time with DD, and my DD is pretty much back to her normal self most of the time.  As DS is smiling and laughing more, DD is able to interact with him a llittle which helps.

 

Hang in there, it WILL get better
 


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#22 of 28 Old 06-02-2012, 06:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just want to offer some hugs - I have a 4 month old DS and a 3 1/2 year old DD - I also had no idea it would be this hard.  My DD broke out in hives from stress during my 37 hour labor, threw up the first morning we were home with the baby, and would wake up all the time in the middle of hte night (i sleep ith both of them).  It was so hard for me to see it being so hard on her, and we had had such a great relationship that it made me sad to see how much it was changing.  DD became much more diffucult - her anger was more directed towards me and not the baby.

 

It has gotten SO much better in the past 4-6 weeks.  My DD is getting used to having the baby around, the baby is old enough to nap on his own several hours a day which gives me one on one time with DD, and my DD is pretty much back to her normal self most of the time.  As DS is smiling and laughing more, DD is able to interact with him a llittle which helps.

 

Hang in there, it WILL get better
 


It has really been killing me at how this has all effected her. I'm in tears almost everyday and even after I nurse her to sleep in the rocking chair (this was our special thing we implemented at the end of my pregnancy, b/c of sore nipples but she doesn't know that and grew attached to rocking and nursing to sleep) I keep rocking her and just hold her as I cry and cry...

 

She is starting to direct the anger towards me more which is involving her hitting/biting/kicking me when I say she needs to wait for milk or something...


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#23 of 28 Old 06-02-2012, 07:41 PM
 
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My DD1 and DD2 are 2.5 years apart.  Only for about the first 4 weeks would DD1 do the crazy stuff.  Like biting DD2 while I'm trying to change her.  It would be out of the blue.  sneaky, like you said.  From reading Siblings Without Rivalry, I realized that I should be focusing my energy on comforting the victim.  Not to punish the older child by taking away your presence, but protect your younger child.  You can't prevent a 2 year old from being crazy and impulsive.  Just take away your baby to keep her safe, and comfort her if she's in pain.  It stopped abruptly and for no discernible reason.

 

Also, I take the baby in a separate room and close the door to nurse.  Because it was kind of a vulnerable position for the baby, and I would be too occupied to prevent or intervene.  I would talk to DD1 about it during the day, not trying to have the conversation while trying to close the door on her screaming.  Yes, I let her just cry and scream outside the door until she got over it.  It only took a day of being consistent.  Again, I did not have the intention of withholding my love and presence, and when we talked about it, I never said that it had to do with DD2 being "bad".  Just, "baby needs quiet to nurse."  DD2 is 4 months now, and she cannot nurse if big sister is in the room being entertaining/exciting/stimulating.  DD1 does get upset sometimes if I have to nurse the baby because it means I leave, but that's just the nature of not being able to be in two places at one time.

 

It gets better when the smaller one gets a little bigger and stops being so vulnerable.  When DD2 was 2 days old, DD1 accidentally kicked her in the head really really hard.  I still want to vomit thinking about it.  Now DD2 is almost 5 months old and we have even more challenges. ;)

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#24 of 28 Old 06-03-2012, 06:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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That is the book I'm reading
 


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#25 of 28 Old 06-03-2012, 08:13 AM
 
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I think this is a common phase, albeit not at all fun. Hopefully she will 'get used' to having a sibbling. I had a friend who told me she went through something similar with her sister.

 

Elizabeth

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#26 of 28 Old 06-05-2012, 07:25 AM
 
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OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, it really is SO, SO, SO incredibly hard. Funnily enough, I had someone IRL say the "don't leave them in the same room" thing when I never had and it was super annoying. I think people want to tell themselves that there must be a really easy solution or it's "your fault" so they can feel like it won't happen to them. Anyway, we moved a month after my second was born so that also did not help in the slightest but honestly, things have really gotten a lot better pretty recently and DD is 11 months old. Shit *HIT THE FAN* after she was born in ways I don't feel like recounting, lol. Same story, we are a totally ap/crunchy family and my DS (the toddler) just fell apart after DD/the move. He cried every time she cried, wasn't sleeping well, the him hitting her was soooo awful. I wish I had known about the no attention for the toddler when they were violent thing earlier because I have found that to help a lot. Someone said to me that all attention is good attention for them at that time and it really is so true. Anyway, just take things a day at a time and know you aren't alone! I became pregnant with an oopsie when my DD was 6 months old after thinking we would never have any more kids because it was so hard, so things are still pretty crazy in other ways but even so, it is sooooo much easier than in the beginning. Like night and day. Everyone says the transition from 1 to 2 is by far the absolute worst, 2 to 3 being so much easier so I'm hoping that's true! My other piece of advice that I wish I'd done is I'm not sure if it's in your budget at all, but I really wish I had gotten someone to come play with DS for a few hours even once or twice a week while I'm home. You can be so exhausted and wiped out, I think the fresh energy just focused on DS would have been really helpful for filling his cup up so to speak. Or for that person to hold the baby so I could have focused on DS. It felt really frivolous at the time but I really, really wish I'd done that. I also wanted to say that I remember crying every day after my DD had been born because it was so incredibly heart breaking for me how things were changing with my DS. I think when you are so attached, you feel it more or something. Little things like not feeling up to taking him to the playground, and having my husband take him instead absolutely wrecked me emotionally because that had always been *our thing*. That was another really difficult aspect that I wasn't prepared for. I remember the first day pp I didn't cry once all day felt like *such* an accomplishment, lol. I do have to say though that after going through that, things aren't the exact same with DS now, there is a new normal, but it is wonderful in a whole new way. Because DS is more attached to his Dad which is a wonderful thing, I'm not sure that would have happened in quite the same way if it hadn't kind of been "pushed" (like I was busy with the baby and truly couldn't get to him then so Dad would step in to help), and he also has this amazing relationship with his sister now. Truly, I couldn't picture it happening in the beginning, but seeing him tickle her now, and make each other laugh, and them hug, and chase each other around truly is just the sweetest, most adorable thing ever. It makes it all worth it and it will happen Mama, I promise. Anyway, sorry for the poorly worded post, up too early today but just wanted to respond! hug2.gifhug2.gifhug2.gif


Claire, book reading, tree loving, coffee drinking wife to K, and happy SAHM to ds G Feb '09 home birth, dd C ~ free birthed June '11, and now a new lil surprise due October 2012 joy.gif

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#27 of 28 Old 06-05-2012, 04:45 PM
 
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OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, it really is SO, SO, SO incredibly hard. Funnily enough, I had someone IRL say the "don't leave them in the same room" thing when I never had and it was super annoying. I think people want to tell themselves that there must be a really easy solution or it's "your fault" so they can feel like it won't happen to them.

Ummm, actually I didn't want to tell myself that at all. It's just that in OP's first post she never mentioned that she WASN'T leaving them in the same room alone and I saw no one answered her post. I was just trying to help. I was in no way trying to blame OP. But after I posted I see many people have suggestions and most of them start by bashing others.  You did the best job of all, OrangeMoon! thumb.gif


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#28 of 28 Old 06-05-2012, 04:49 PM
 
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OP and others, if you think my post doesn't apply to your situation, feel free to ignore. Just trying to help.


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