Need some ideas to deal with dd destroying stuff - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 01:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just discovered that dd purposefully destroyed an instructional dvd that we use for homeschooling. She kind of asked to watch the dvd today and when I found the damage admitted that she did it while smiling. I sent her to her room because I am too mad to speak with her.

 

This weekend she used all of her money to buy a game system that she had saved up for for quite awhile and owes us $5. 

The dvd's are usually only sold as a set with the teacher manual ($40 new). We had 8 lessons left on the dvd and can get by as we have the accompanying books. Buying a replacement dvd probably isn't the best solution even if she had the money right now. Possibly she could help pay for the next level books and dvd though.

 

I suppose we can just have her return the game system. It would upset her a great deal to do that but is that the best way to handle this though?

 

How would you handle this?


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#2 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 02:13 PM
 
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When my kids do something that seems off-the-wall like this, as hard as it is, I try to look past the behavior at the reason for the behavior, and figure out a solution based on that. Why on earth would she destroy a DVD? It doesn't sound like you're talking about a 3-year-old, so I assume this is a child who is old enough to know better. Did you ask her why? What was the DVD about? Is it a subject she hated? Have you and she been fighting over instruction about whatever the DVD is about? Is it a subject she's uncomfortable with? Does she just not like learning by DVDs or spending time on homeschooling stuff in general?

I guess I'd want those kinds of questions answered before I figured out what to do. If it needs to be replaced, the money needs to come from somewhere, and you can work with her on a solution to that, but I'd be wanting to know the whys so it doesn't happen again.
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#3 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 02:54 PM
 
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I would make her give you (work off, etc.) $20, which I would assume to be the cost of the DVD alone (if the entire set costs $40).  You don't need to use that money to replace the set, but just let her know that she has to replace it's worth.

 

If one person destroys another person's property, that person has every right to demand the destroyer pay the value of the item, however he/she is under no obligation to use that money to replace the item.
 


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#4 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 03:10 PM
 
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ETA: I do think finding out the "why" is important and if it that she doesn't like that curriculum, then maybe finding a different one. 

 

But, I still think she needs to pay you it's worth.


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#5 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 03:27 PM
 
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Well I guess this is a difference of opinion. In my house, household stuff belongs to all of us, so it would be a case of her destroying our property, not her destroying mine, and there wouldn't be an issue of paying me back for something of mine. There would be an issue of replacement if it needed to be replaced, and we'd have to work on that.

Anyway, I see your point too, but I want to clearly state my opinion on it.
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#6 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 04:48 PM
 
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I understand what you are saying about it being "our property", but I would still want the value replaced since, even if we were done using it, It still has value and worth, and typically homeschooling DVD's have a decent resale value, or can be passed down to younger siblings, or passed onto a grateful friend.  Therefore, by deliberatly destroying it, she has preventing others (who could get a lot of value out of it), from using it, and I would want her to understand that.

 

I don't think I would have her return the gaming system, but I would have her work to earn money to pay you back.  From your sig, she is 12, so that seems old enough to even earn money from neighbors or friends (ie. as a mother's helper, mowing lawns) or do other "big" jobs to earn it..
 


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#7 of 9 Old 05-29-2012, 05:30 PM
 
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Throw out that particular set of DVD's. She doesn't like them.  Then sit down and TOGETHER figure out what you will replace them with for the fall.  She should be part of the decision making process - it's HER education.  We used to bribery system - "you want this, you have to do that".  You have to combine what she wants with what she needs. 

 

Don't worry about the games; my boys learned a lot from them. 

 

The curriculum is supposed to fit the child, not the other way round. She's trying in her not-very-tactful way to tell you she hates that particular set.  Kids are real good at getting rid of the clunkers in the curriculum.  

 

good luck.

 

Mary 

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#8 of 9 Old 05-30-2012, 08:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

When my kids do something that seems off-the-wall like this, as hard as it is, I try to look past the behavior at the reason for the behavior, and figure out a solution based on that. Why on earth would she destroy a DVD? It doesn't sound like you're talking about a 3-year-old, so I assume this is a child who is old enough to know better. Did you ask her why? What was the DVD about? Is it a subject she hated? Have you and she been fighting over instruction about whatever the DVD is about? Is it a subject she's uncomfortable with? Does she just not like learning by DVDs or spending time on homeschooling stuff in general?
I guess I'd want those kinds of questions answered before I figured out what to do. If it needs to be replaced, the money needs to come from somewhere, and you can work with her on a solution to that, but I'd be wanting to know the whys so it doesn't happen again.

Dd is 12 and she does know better. I asked her why she did it and she said "I don't know". I agree that we need to explore with her why she did this.

We have not been fighting over homeschooling or this dvd. She almost always chooses to do this subject first so I don't think she hates it.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by ameliabedelia View Post

I would make her give you (work off, etc.) $20, which I would assume to be the cost of the DVD alone (if the entire set costs $40).  You don't need to use that money to replace the set, but just let her know that she has to replace it's worth.

 

If one person destroys another person's property, that person has every right to demand the destroyer pay the value of the item, however he/she is under no obligation to use that money to replace the item.
 

 

I discussed it with dh and I think we would like her to pay the value of the item in some way. If she did this to something that belonged to a neighbor or a friend then she would need to make some restitution.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryBelle View Post

Throw out that particular set of DVD's. She doesn't like them.  Then sit down and TOGETHER figure out what you will replace them with for the fall.  She should be part of the decision making process - it's HER education.  We used to bribery system - "you want this, you have to do that".  You have to combine what she wants with what she needs. 

 

Don't worry about the games; my boys learned a lot from them. 

 

The curriculum is supposed to fit the child, not the other way round. She's trying in her not-very-tactful way to tell you she hates that particular set.  Kids are real good at getting rid of the clunkers in the curriculum.  

 

good luck.

 

Mary 

 

That is a point. I'll discuss with her  why she did this and see if she simply wants to try something different. I think I am pretty responsive to her feedback in making curriculum choices.

Dd has never said that she does not like this curriculum and we've been using it for awhile. We have used other things in the past that she hated and she made that obvious. If dd dislikes something she has always been pretty vocal about it. This curriculum has actually been a really good fit so maybe it is something else going on that doesn't have to do with homeschooling.

 

I'm not opposed to dd playing games. We already have 3 game systems in our home that dd plays with already.  It just seemed a bit wrong to hand her a new fun thing right after she destroyed something else.

 

 

Thanks for the input everyone!

If anyone else has thoughts on how you would handle this situation please keep posting.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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#9 of 9 Old 05-30-2012, 10:17 AM
 
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I wonder if she really did that on purpose? If so, you could give her less pocket money. But make sure you explain to her why you are giving her less. 

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