I was told to consider spanking *bizarre update* - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 31 Old 06-26-2012, 04:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Long story short:
a dad at my older son's school has taken it upon himself to send me an email telling me to consider spanking my nearly 3yo ds. The email included links to studies showing that spanking is good, and says that spanked kids are more well adjusted than non spanked kids, blah blah blah. (apparently. I didn't read them.) He wrote a LONG email about spanking, and basically why I should consider it, and how his dd is great and she was spanked.

 

He sent this email because of behavior that 1. is being taken care of and 2. doesn't involve him. I've never asked for parenting advice from him, and as a matter of fact, the last time he mentioned spanking, I told him that I didn't, and that I was happy with my parenting theory.

 

Basically, I want y'all to talk me down from responding to him any further than I already did (which was to say, basically, that I would never be convinced to spank my kids. Period.)


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#2 of 31 Old 06-26-2012, 07:40 PM
 
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"Thanks for your concern. You've given me a lot to think about." No encouragement of future advice, no debate. End of discussion.  This is one possibility. In my opinion, someone who would offer this advice unsolicited, who already felt it had worked for him, is not really open to discussion with you. So just a thank you and so long.
 


 
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#3 of 31 Old 06-26-2012, 07:41 PM
 
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That's nicer than I'd be! I'm impressed by your restraint, lauren! Though I wouldn't start a conversation. I'd probably say something like, "I'm not interested in discussing my discipline choices with you. Please don't email me about this again."
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#4 of 31 Old 06-26-2012, 07:46 PM
 
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I replied to an acquiantence's "Obama is a Muslim" email one time, and it just was an exercise in futility in that she responded to me again and it wore me out and depressed the hell out of me.  So I say, don't bother.  If he asks if you got it, I'd probably just say something like, "Yes, I got it.  So, do you have any exciting vacation plans this summer?"  or some other bean dip.

 

Ugh.


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#5 of 31 Old 06-26-2012, 10:34 PM
 
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"I'm not interested in discussing my discipline choices with you. Please don't email me about this again."

I think this is a nice reply to be given to him.

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#6 of 31 Old 06-27-2012, 10:00 AM
 
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Unless he's someone you are friends with, perhaps a "Do not email me again."


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#7 of 31 Old 06-27-2012, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

That's nicer than I'd be! I'm impressed by your restraint, lauren! Though I wouldn't start a conversation. I'd probably say something like, "I'm not interested in discussing my discipline choices with you. Please don't email me about this again."

I like that. Not interested in discussing my discipline choices with you. Nice.

 

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I replied to an acquiantence's "Obama is a Muslim" email one time, and it just was an exercise in futility in that she responded to me again and it wore me out and depressed the hell out of me.  So I say, don't bother.  If he asks if you got it, I'd probably just say something like, "Yes, I got it.  So, do you have any exciting vacation plans this summer?"  or some other bean dip.

 

Ugh.

 

Yeah, the bean dip thing. Good one. lol

 

There's a little more "history" there (different subject altogether). I was all for keeping things civil, but I'm fine if it doesn't even stay at "friendly aquaintances" after this stuff. He KNEW I didn't spank. I told him that. 2 of my friends told him that. Gah!


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#8 of 31 Old 06-28-2012, 08:50 AM
 
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Personally, I'm not that nice.  I'd probably respond with a large number of studies that have shown how detrimental spanking can be and close it with...

 

Spanking is the easy way out.  It takes forethought and true love of one's child to create a discipline plan that does not include resulting to one's baser instincts.  I'm sorry you felt the need to interject your antiquated parenting techniques on me but it's really not necessary.  Please do not email me in the future as I find your viewpoints to be offensive.

 

 


I do want to ask though.... what behaviors prompted such a terrible email?


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#9 of 31 Old 06-28-2012, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I don't want to imply that I'll even consider his idea!! Judging from his discussions with other friends, he's not changing his mind, and isn't worth my time. I won't be surprised, though, if I get an email trying to smooth things over. I'm sure he could tell by the look on my gave that I am not pleased.


What ds2 did was, he bit his friend, a girl his age. This is not the dad's dd, either. He was just there. So ds2 bit her and had pulled her hair before. My plan was to closely supervise, but he still managed to bite her, so I decided to just keep him out of the situation. Point being, I was dealing with it, and had a plan to keep the girl from getting hurt. It wasn't like I was just letting it go and saying "oh well".

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#10 of 31 Old 06-28-2012, 11:40 AM
 
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I'd just hit the report spam button and move on.  If your son has been hurting a lot of kids lately and you don't want his in person advice I would be sure to jump in immediately to redirect or remove him so this guy doesn't think he should go further and address you in person or worse yet decide that you are fine with others intervening because you aren't moving to.  I found that being obviously aware of what was going on and quick to attempt some form of discipline (even if it was just redirection) the people in my life who tended to tell me how I should raise my kid stayed quiet and let me handle things without their opinions.

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#11 of 31 Old 06-28-2012, 02:13 PM
 
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For the most part, I just ignore people who are "helpfully" butting in where they don't belong, but he really went out of his way to email you with all that crap so he deserves a response.  Something like, "You must've sent this to me by mistake because I certainly don't remember asking for your opinion" should do.
 

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#12 of 31 Old 06-28-2012, 05:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'd just hit the report spam button and move on.  If your son has been hurting a lot of kids lately and you don't want his in person advice I would be sure to jump in immediately to redirect or remove him so this guy doesn't think he should go further and address you in person or worse yet decide that you are fine with others intervening because you aren't moving to.  I found that being obviously aware of what was going on and quick to attempt some form of discipline (even if it was just redirection) the people in my life who tended to tell me how I should raise my kid stayed quiet and let me handle things without their opinions.

 

But that's the thing! I DID intervene and respond immediately! I was there in seconds, pulled him away, told him "You can't hit her!!!" Told him that "it hurt her, look she is sad". Talked a little bit about what he could do in those situations, asked if he would apologize to her, and held him while I waited for him to be ready to do so. He apologized to her, and then played very respectfully with her for a few minutes, and we left. Since that day, we've pretty much avoided him playing with her.

 

So there is no way that any reasonable person could say I did nothing. Maybe if they thought that doing something could only equal spanking.

 

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For the most part, I just ignore people who are "helpfully" butting in where they don't belong, but he really went out of his way to email you with all that crap so he deserves a response.  Something like, "You must've sent this to me by mistake because I certainly don't remember asking for your opinion" should do.
 

omg, I love love love that! I wonder if I'd have the guts to say that! lol


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#13 of 31 Old 06-29-2012, 05:53 AM
 
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Yay - let's cure violence with violence!

 

~normal 2.5-3 year old biting a friend out of frustration~

 

*****SMACK!!!******

 

~child now thinks hitting is the way we deal with frustration~

 

child begins hitting, mom hits child for hitting, rinse rather repeat.

 

BAER

 

Seriously - where do these people get their ideas from?


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#14 of 31 Old 06-29-2012, 11:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just told that it's contradicting to say that I would never spank/hurt my kids AND to also say that it's normal for young kids to hit/bite/etc. (this was not the dad, but someone else)

 

I'm posting this here because I'm not going to respond to that person about that comment. Because...how do you even respond to that, and keep things civil? (and yes, I want to keep things civil).

 

Maybe it's not contradicting because, um, we're supposed to be the adults and are supposed to teach our kids right from wrong. And our kids are little, and are just learning the ways of the world. And, um, because as adults, we are supposed to have the impulse control to avoid hitting people and find better ways to resolve our conflicts. Just like we are trying to teach our kids to do!

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#15 of 31 Old 06-29-2012, 11:31 AM
 
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I was just told that it's contradicting to say that I would never spank/hurt my kids AND to also say that it's normal for young kids to hit/bite/etc. (this was not the dad, but someone else)

I'm posting this here because I'm not going to respond to that person about that comment. Because...how do you even respond to that, and keep things civil? (and yes, I want to keep things civil).

Maybe it's not contradicting because, um, we're supposed to be the adults and are supposed to teach our kids right from wrong. And our kids are little, and are just learning the ways of the world. And, um, because as adults, we are supposed to have the impulse control to avoid hitting people and find better ways to resolve our conflicts. Just like we are trying to teach our kids to do!

That doesn't make any sense. Kids haven't learned to not hit when they're frustrated. We try to teach them to not hit when they're frustrated by not hitting them when we are frustrated. How is it a contradiction that kids haven't learned not to hit yet but adults are expected to be more mature? I also don't eat spaghetti with my hands or poop in a diaper. Kids do - so maybe it's a contradiction to expect me not to.
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#16 of 31 Old 07-01-2012, 01:22 AM
 
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Just don't engage.

I like the "my parenting style is not up for discussion" approach. There are just certain types of people who will never get what you are trying to accomplish or who will never get your reasoning behind your actions. Responding to them is just encouraging them to try to convince you of the "error of your ways" and the wisdom of theirs.

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#17 of 31 Old 07-01-2012, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yep, I think you're right. A friend of mine (we all have kids in the same school) has discussed it with him a few times, and he just does not get the non-spanking thing. It's so wierd, too, because I *totally* would have guessed he'd be into gd, just from talking to him about other things and seeing him interact with his kids.


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#18 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 11:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I didn't email back. He emailed an apology, and I emailed back saying I accept your apology, and our parenting decisions are not up for debate. Nothing about the whole issue.
So he emails back saying that ds2 assaulted the girl, and that if they were teens or adults, it would be a felony assault, ds would get jail time, and the girl would need trauma counselling.
In that same email, he goes on about how much they will miss us if we don't go to playgroups through the summer.

I am not making this up. I'm torn between being offended and being amused by the absurdity of it.

Seriously, 1. They are not adults. He is a toddler. There is a reason that toddlers don't get charged with assault.
2. Adults hurt other adults all the time, there is often no jail time and only rarely is therapy needed.
3. He is the one telling me to hit my child!!!!

I made it clear that I wasn't ok with ds hurting her. I apologized. I am keeping him away from her. I am dealing with it at home (which is working, BTW).
Why the heck is it still an issue for anybody!!!! He is not even involved, except for being a nosy busybody!

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#19 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 11:27 AM
 
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Yup, that's a lost cause. Don't take it personally.

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#20 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 11:40 AM
 
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~picking up jaw off the ground~

 

Seriously???  This guy sounds like he's a few fries short of a happy meal.  Do not engage this man - just be civil when you see him and steer clear of him and his kid.  Wow, I feel so sorry for his kid(s).

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#21 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 11:49 AM
 
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Tell him that the American academy of pediatrics says the best way for you to insure that your son doesn't get more an s'more aggressive is NOT TO SPANK HIM.

The irony of him telling you to spank you son to curb aggressive behavior is too, too much. This is not a debatable issue at this point. Very mainstream research tells us very clearly that spanking is not effective at changing behavior in the long term and makes children more aggressive.
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#22 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 12:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just as an aside, you know what I have to do to keep my little menace to society from hitting in "trigger" situations? Say he and a friend both want the same toy. It's getting heated. I say to him "K is playing with that right now. He will tell you when he's done." Ds2 pretty much just says "ok" and waits or finds something else to play with.

Seriously. That's pretty much it. That's the child that DP and I obviously can't deal with on our own. 

 

The same child that these people have seen play with their kids every single day for the last year. And have never seen an issue with him, aside from this one (admittedly big) issue.


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#23 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 12:48 PM
 
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Hi Deva

 

Course cos I'm also from Burnaby I'm DYING to know which school this is...haha.

 

IMO the only thing you can do is not engage, as a PP suggested.   I know it's hard but if you start getting emotional about this and reacting he will be getting the power over you he wants.  IMO, this is a power play. Don't give him that power.  Another poster suggested report his email as spam - it might be time to do that so you don't have to deal with his emails at all.  What you don't know about won't bother you, and hopefully once he realises he's not getting a response he will give up and move on. 

 

I find his response to you really bizarre - it's a 3 year old ffs.  If it's any consolation DD was a biter at around the same age - it sucks!  Thankfully she is a well behaved 8 year old now..without spanking *roll eyes*  It's sad he doesn't recognise normal childhood behaviour for what it is - I also feel sorry for his kids.

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#24 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 02:08 PM
 
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Oh my! He is a touch on the passive aggressive side! If I was feeling particularly immature I would tell him to where to stick it by belittling him, smirking and pointing out spanking your child is considered assault if done to an adult.

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#25 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 04:49 PM
 
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WOWWWWWWWW.


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#26 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 05:35 PM
 
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So he emails back saying that ds2 assaulted the girl, and that if they were teens or adults, it would be a felony assault, ds would get jail time, and the girl would need trauma counselling.
 

And if your ds were an adult and Mr Busybody threatened him with physical assault, HE would be the one doing jail time.

 

But because your ds is a child one can beat ("spank") him as much as one likes.


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#27 of 31 Old 07-05-2012, 11:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think it's legal to spank another person's kid without their permission. Right?
(I know that's not what you're saying, it just made me think of it. Because of something that someone else said he said. lol)


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#28 of 31 Old 07-06-2012, 03:36 AM
 
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My son once tackled someone else's kid and took him down, at age 4 (this was over the last prize in a scavenger hunt). Good thing they don't have preschool jails! (He is a well adjusted, non spanked 17 year old now!)

 

Don't engage! The fella has issues.
 


 
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#29 of 31 Old 07-06-2012, 08:02 AM
 
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I would reply with a "Buddy, if you were spanked it certainly didnt teach you social graces, and its one more reason I wont be spanking my child. Now please stop harassing me."

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#30 of 31 Old 07-06-2012, 11:29 AM
 
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I don't think it's legal to spank another person's kid without their permission. Right?
(I know that's not what you're saying, it just made me think of it. Because of something that someone else said he said. lol)

 

Spanking is ILLEGAL in this province.

 

Not that you're going to engage with this UAV anymore, ;)  but somebody should really point that out to him. 

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