Help with natural/reasonable consequence for disrepectful behavior - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 09-05-2012, 09:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have 2 sons, 6 and 3.  My 6 year old challenges me the most. I can usually come up with reasonable consequences for behaviours like running away when its time to leave or do something (brush teeth, get dressed, come in the house, etc. etc.). But I am having a hard time finding a calm way to deal with it when he sticks out his tongue at me or kicks/hits/shoots the air at me. I know these are still pretty tame behaviours but it really gets to me, I have little tolerance. I don't want to yell, but I find myself yelling or at least raising my voice. Then I take away a privelage (televison-he gets it twice a week only)  or a timeout/calm down time for 5 minutes in his room.  I would like to avoid using punishments but I quite honestly don't know what else to do as I feel that I need to stop the behaviour immediately. I feel that I should not let him get away with this type of behaviour.  Any ideas for me? I would love to hear what other people would do in the same situation.  Thank you!

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#2 of 7 Old 09-06-2012, 05:16 AM
 
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I believe that these kind of behaviours are signs for legitimate feelings, like anger and frustrations. If my kids do them, esp. my DS yells at me or calls names when he is upset, I try to ignore it and talk to them when they are calm again about respectful behaviour and how to express feelings in a respectful way.

 

If I get angry in situations like that I try to remove myself (after I discussed this with my kids - the necessity to remove myself when I get angry) and let them know that I am hurt by their behaviour.

 

I believe that they will learn how to express themselves eventually, and that it is a rather good thing that they are able to show their emotions - and I think it will take years before they can actually express anger in a healthy way - I am still working at my "anger management" orngbiggrin.gif


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#3 of 7 Old 09-06-2012, 06:20 AM
 
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Agree with PP, a consequence for rude behaviour would be that it hurts your feelings and you don't want to do nice things for him. I also remove myself from the situation when ds is rude (very rarely). But it depends a lot on the limits you set. I wouldn't mind this kind of behaviour that you describe. Ds sometimes kicks me playfully and I kick him back, but I like roughhousing with the kids. If he stuck out his tongue, I would probably do the same.


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#4 of 7 Old 09-07-2012, 11:07 PM
 
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My DD is just 16 months and not doing thngs yet but I will also try your suggestion when I came to my limit.


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#5 of 7 Old 09-08-2012, 02:02 PM
 
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Also a struggle here!
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#6 of 7 Old 09-08-2012, 07:16 PM
 
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mine will be 5 soon and I know the feeling. He calls me poopy butt Mama among other things. I don't do anything for these minor offenses usually. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, sometimes it does.  A couple times I couldn't help myself and laughed out loud. I think he picked up some phrases from kids at preschool and I had never heard from him before and just thought it was funny so I couldn't help it. Once he got angry because he was trying to make me angry, and it didn't work and I laughed instead. Mostly I try to just ignore it and usually I'm successful. Because if I make an issue of it and get angry with him, I know it will just prolong the behaviour that he is likely to grow out of soon anyway. I think its just a stage that all normal kids go through.  He already gets enough time outs in his room as it is so I don't want to punish every little less than perfect thing that he does. I stuck my tongue out back at him once not in a mean way but in a playful way because he hadnt done that before and it was ok with me I really didn't care. He has only done it once since.   I am sure if I would have punished him for that first time I would have seen a lot more of it repeatedly, every time he wanted to push my buttons he would know what to do... Sometimes you need to ignore things and they will go away on their own quicker than if you bring attention to it.  I'd save the punishments for things that matter most and let the tame behaviours run their course. He will outgrow it with or without being punished for it.
 


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#7 of 7 Old 09-08-2012, 07:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triniity View Post

I believe that these kind of behaviours are signs for legitimate feelings, like anger and frustrations. If my kids do them, esp. my DS yells at me or calls names when he is upset, I try to ignore it and talk to them when they are calm again about respectful behaviour and how to express feelings in a respectful way.

 

If I get angry in situations like that I try to remove myself (after I discussed this with my kids - the necessity to remove myself when I get angry) and let them know that I am hurt by their behaviour.

 

I believe that they will learn how to express themselves eventually, and that it is a rather good thing that they are able to show their emotions - and I think it will take years before they can actually express anger in a healthy way - I am still working at my "anger management" orngbiggrin.gif

I like this - that it's a way to express something, they just don't know how tto do it appropriately.  My DD is only 10mos so we're just begining to learn right from wrong with lots of distraction and redirection.  BUT, I am a dog trainer.  I've been criticized and mocked by both friends and family that I will probably treat my kids the same way I do my dogs.  And while it irks me at times to hear that, I can't completely disagree because behavior is behavior regardless of species.  In dog training, the golden rule for good behavior is that every behavior you focus on will get repeated.  Now it can be good or it can be bad, they won't distinguish between the two, and more importantly, in the absence of positive reinforcement of randomly offered good behaviors, punishment and discipline will become acceptable forms of attention.  So transfering that to children means when they do express feeelings appropriately - make a big-to-do about it!  "Thank you for helping your sister when she was sad by giving her a hug - it showed compassion".  If you put a name to the behavior after it occurs, they are more likely to 'get it'.  Also, consequences are individual. In dog terms most dogs don't like time outs away from people bc being segregated and alone goes against their nature. But you might have a dog that likes to be alone and therefore the consequence has to be different.  Same for kids.  I hear quite alot when I'm training dogs "hey, that's alot like raising kids". 

 

Back to the OP, in regards to things like the tongue sticking out, he probably knows it irks you and its a small way for him to test you.  You can go the route of time outs and such and he may get the message - or if it's at home and no one is around and you can just ignore it, see what happens.  Behaviors will get worse before they extinguish.  So in this case you could expect a slight increase in the tongue sticking out as he tries to get a rise out of you before he realizes it's boring bc you don't react and he'll stop alltogether.

 

I still have to remind myself to breathe and walk away when I feel like I might freak out, but hey, no one is perfect right?!

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