She has to learn "no"! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 06:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I sometimes feel like an alien in my "real" world. Today, at our baby-gym, there was talk about how a the babies need to learn the meaning of the word "no". 

 

I was like: 10 month old? You cannot be serious! 

 

They were serious. Really, really serious. And when I said something like: I just put the stuff away that they are not allowed to have ?!?  the other parents warned me how I will "miss a window" and they "will never learn it" and "she knows EXACTLY that she is not allowed to touch that" (like a laptop - something that is REALLY difficult to move out of the way winky.gif )

 

It drives me crazy sometimes. Kids are "out there to get you" - and all they do is just that, "trying their limits" - and "you need to stay on top of it" 

 

 

 

I feel so lonely sometimes, not having anyone to talk to ...


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#2 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 06:45 AM
 
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I hear ya-- everywhere I go, moms are SO different from me.  Sleep is the big thing I feel so different about-- the whole world seems to believe in cry-it-out.  A pediatrician practically told me I HAD to let my son cry it out at the 2 month visit!!  I couldn't even believe it.  I have just taken my 6 year old out of school to homeschool, and I know this decision will even further isolate us from the world.

 

Most of my neighbors actually recommended Babywise to me.  They talked about it like it was a Bible.  I cannot help but see those neighbors differently now-- like they must be from some other planet to rave about that book.  Hmm, maybe I choose to isolate myself...

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#3 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 06:58 AM
 
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Oh she will! She'll repeat it over and over when she's a toddler.
 


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#4 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 09:43 AM
 
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"No" is pretty easy.  Like PP said, it will be her favorite word eventually.

Preventing problems is a great strategy, as is redirection when needed.  I have a box in my basement labeled "for when we can have breakable things in the living room again."

 

It's worth thinking about a few other words.  I had really good success with "Not for [child's name]." Like the laptop, which mommy and daddy are obviously able to touch, but DS is not.  

 

Other words would be "gentle" "careful" "not right now" "wait" "look" "stop" "hot" "ouchie!" "hit this, not that" etc.

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#5 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 12:23 PM
 
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We do a lot of 'gentle' right now with DD who's almost 11mos...and not so gentle lol.  I get lectured a lot for not baby-proofing my home, epsecially my MIL (talking to my daughter but obv directed at me) "oh no, mommy needs to put that on a higher shelf, all those things need to go" in reference to my husbands collection of fire things on the living room bookshelf.  I looked right at her and said "no, mommy doesn't need to put them away - Kaelyn just needs to be told they aren't hers to touch and taken away - we don't play near bookshelves".  Packing up things doesn't work for us. It's a small house and we have no storage space.  There's a baby gate at the basement stairs bc of the way they're configured off the kitchen, there is no door.  That's all.  No cabinet locks, plug covers, crazy doorknob contraptions that I can never seem to figure out in other people's houses....the house is as it always was plus a few things, like her pack'n'play in the living room.  I guess people just don't like to supervise kids anymore? But then they go to te extreme of not supervising at all, I don't quite understand it. We try and strike a happy medium.

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#6 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 12:28 PM
 
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I can remember feeling this same way!  Even now, as my son is crying in the store because he wants something and we have gently set a limit.  I know that he is crying because he is sad and accepting that limit.  However, people look at me like I'm crazy as I'm comforting him and validating his feelings, "Yes, buddy, I know it's hard when you can't have what you want."  I even had a lady tell me that I needed to be firmer and just say no.  I think many people in our society are so wounded from their own childhood stuff that they idea of "love based" parenting where we meet kids needs when they have the need, is like a foreign language!  Just keep loving your kiddos.  They are lucky to have all of you as moms.


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#7 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 03:38 PM
 
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I think it's pretty funny that these moms think you will run out of "no's" if you put some things out of your child's reach.  Trust me.  There will be plenty of no's left.
 

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#8 of 17 Old 10-04-2012, 11:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What I found especially weird is this idea of the "window of opportunity". "They will never "obey" if they don't learn it now!"

 

As in they're all little ducklings freshly hatched and after 11 month they cannot learn anymore? Hello? 

 

I totally don't get it. 

 

And this parents don't want to be educated at all! It's not that I shove it in their face, but I gently (at least for me) say things like: I don't think they have any impulse control yet. - And they answer with: Oh, I think she has, she does that on PURPOSE to GET me and MAKE me mad. 

 

nono02.gif


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#9 of 17 Old 10-05-2012, 07:28 AM
 
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I did more of the constant monitoring,setting rules,  no gates, no putting things up and saying a lot of "please don't touch".  My sister had gates everywhere, nothing fragile within reach, no rules because everything was a safe play space.  My children are much better in new environments and understand what is acceptable to do in a house, what they should and shouldn't touch.  My niece and nephew treat the whole world as if it's their playground and still have to be told at 2 and 6 not to touch the tv at my house.

 

I think it's much better to teach kids to live in the world safely, not to expect the world to be their safe place.  Granted, it's a lot more work to make sure they stay off the darn stairs :)

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#10 of 17 Old 10-05-2012, 08:50 AM
 
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I also did the babyproofing, baby gates, and putting breakable stuff out of their reach. I found it easier than having to tailgate them all the time and telling no or any gentler version of no. I am a lazy mom.

 

As soon as they get past the toddler stage they know some things are not to be touched and they aren't interested in smashing things and knocking things over anyways. shrug.gif
 


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#11 of 17 Old 10-06-2012, 01:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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 My niece and nephew treat the whole world as if it's their playground and still have to be told at 2 and 6 not to touch the tv at my house.

So, do you think this is because your sister "missed" her window of opportunity or do you think it might be character thing?

 

i think a 6 year old is capable of learning these things in general, but there are kids who have a hard time with impulse control, e.g. kids with adhd. 


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#12 of 17 Old 10-06-2012, 05:35 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Triniity View Post

So, do you think this is because your sister "missed" her window of opportunity or do you think it might be character thing?

 

i think a 6 year old is capable of learning these things in general, but there are kids who have a hard time with impulse control, e.g. kids with adhd. 

 

*Raises hand* - even though I correct them every time, my 8 and 6 year old, when in a new environment, try to touch.everything.  They want to know what everything is, how everything works, if they can make something else with whatever things are, if it's worth or available for "collecting", etc.    I use the actual words, "The world isn't a playground" at least a couple times a month.  Low-impulse, high-energy, high-curiosity kids are exhausting. 


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#13 of 17 Old 10-06-2012, 05:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by transylvania_mom View Post

As soon as they get past the toddler stage they know some things are not to be touched and they aren't interested in smashing things and knocking things over anyways. shrug.gif
 

 

HA!  That would have been super.  We're finally there, at 8 and 6, in our house.  ;)   I think a fair part of this has to do with genetics/temperament.  I was the calm, compliant child who was easily redirected and didn't touch stuff after I was told not to.  My kids?  Not so much. And it's not for a lack of trying.  My own parents say that they don't know how I made it to this point with my kids without going off the deep end...they are low impulse, energetic, inquisitive, and PERSISTENT.  Just in the past calendar year it's been getting better - but it's been a LONG 8 years!!


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#14 of 17 Old 10-06-2012, 05:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by stacyyork View Post

I can remember feeling this same way!  Even now, as my son is crying in the store because he wants something and we have gently set a limit.  I know that he is crying because he is sad and accepting that limit.  However, people look at me like I'm crazy as I'm comforting him and validating his feelings, "Yes, buddy, I know it's hard when you can't have what you want."  I even had a lady tell me that I needed to be firmer and just say no.  I think many people in our society are so wounded from their own childhood stuff that they idea of "love based" parenting where we meet kids needs when they have the need, is like a foreign language!  Just keep loving your kiddos.  They are lucky to have all of you as moms.

 

I never got this, either.  I say no to my kids plenty, as in the above - but it doesn't mean I have to be a jerk about them being mad.  Saying, "get over it" isn't changing the outcome over, "I understand you wanted that, it's disappointing when you can't get things you want."  They're still not getting what they want, but at least in the second case they know you care. 


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#15 of 17 Old 10-08-2012, 07:30 AM
 
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I never got this, either.  I say no to my kids plenty, as in the above - but it doesn't mean I have to be a jerk about them being mad.  Saying, "get over it" isn't changing the outcome over, "I understand you wanted that, it's disappointing when you can't get things you want."  They're still not getting what they want, but at least in the second case they know you care. 

 

I have a howler.  Any tiny disappointment sets her off into a flurry of sad howling, crying, drama filled sadness.  I say "I'm sorry you're sad, you can be sad, but you have to be quiet about it" about 10 times a day.  She has big emotions (all of them, happy, sad, angry....) but hasn't learned how to control them.  She drives me insane and as hard as I try sometimes I just can't be as kind as I'd like.  This morning she melted down over the spoon choices available. I did not respond the way I would have liked to.

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Originally Posted by Triniity View Post

So, do you think this is because your sister "missed" her window of opportunity or do you think it might be character thing?

 

i think a 6 year old is capable of learning these things in general, but there are kids who have a hard time with impulse control, e.g. kids with adhd. 

 

I think it's because they've never had limits.  The are both average kids, no adhd or anything.  They just really have no idea how to behave outside of their home and their safe space.  Once I explain the rules here they do fine, but it takes them time to figure out that there are things they can't touch because there's no fence in front of the "no touch" stuff.  

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#16 of 17 Old 10-08-2012, 08:17 AM
 
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I had one high needs kid and one low needs kid. I did the same with both, babyproofed and all that, and one never had trouble in anyone else's house, and the other had to be followed around quite a bit - certainly at 2, but I think by 6 she was fine. By 6, they've been in so many environments that they've had a chance to learn, unless the seldome leave the house I guess. Unless the child has ADHD or something. I think temperament is underappreciated as a reason for behavior. If I'd had my easy second kid first, I would think other people with kids who ran around getting into stuff were not parenting right and should have done what I did. Having had two who were completely different despite a similar environment, I no longer think environment makes such a huge difference as far as behavior goes. A lot of parenting is muddling through things and doing the best we can with where we are. I feel like as long as we keep a loving connection and have age-appropriate expectations (and responding consistently to "no" at 10 months would not be age appropriate IMO), our kids will be fine. I don't think whether you babyproof or not makes much difference as far as the kids are concerned. It might be easier or less easy depending on the personality of the parent, and I think both choices are fine.
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#17 of 17 Old 10-09-2012, 04:44 PM
 
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I'm sure my 9 month old knows what "no" means. Obeying is a whole different thing. 

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