GD Study: Hypothetical Situation #1 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 04:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

This is a hypothetical situation for us to practice different philosophies of GD: 

 

You and your 5 year old have plans to go to the zoo with some friends who are driving a long way to join you. You were rushing out the door and decided to (at your child's insistence), let her wear a jacket that you felt was not quite warm enough. Your group was visiting the indoor monkey area. After watching the monkeys for a long time the group wanted to move on and have a picnic lunch. Your DC said she wanted to stay and eat lunch in the indoor monkey area. Eating is not allowed in that area and you told her it was time to go. She refuses and you do not know how to get her to move on to the next thing.  

 

What would you do? 

What are some different GD approaches that would work well in this situation? 

It's OK to get "out there" since this isn't a real family or situation. 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 07:02 AM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)

Hmm, I wonder if this is a good example to highlight differences between philosophies.  I expect most people would take pretty much the same approach here, no matter what their philosophy. First, find out why the 5-year-old wants to stay in the monkey area.  Because she thinks it's too cold outside?  Because she really likes watching the monkeys?  Because she's tired and doesn't want to walk anymore? 

 

If it's too cold for the jacket she's wearing, I'd try to find a solution for that.  Is there a place we could eat lunch inside?  Even if everyone else would rather eat outside, it doesn't make sense if there's someone who isn't dressed for it.  If the rest of the group feels really strongly about eating outside, maybe my DD and I could eat inside and then meet up with them afterwards.  Or maybe a little activity would warm my DD up enough for her to enjoy being outside.  Maybe I'd suggest playing an outdoor running game for 5 or 10 minutes and then see how she felt about the picnic lunch.  I might suggest the game as motivation to leave the monkey area, or I might get her out by saying we could eat lunch in a warm place inside and then once we were outside, see if I could get her interested in the game and then see if running around had made her change her mind about eating outside.  Or maybe I'd let her wear my coat over hers during the picnic.  Being cold for a bit might be better than letting her get so miserable that it ruined the outing for her and for the rest of the group.

 

If she had a different reason for not wanting to leave (like she wanted to spend more time watching the monkeys), I'd try to think of something that would give her a motivation for leaving.  Maybe I'd suggest that I could buy her some snack she liked or something from the gift shop.  Maybe I'd talk about some other animal or area of the zoo I thought she'd really be interested in. 

 

What I would really try not to do would be to make her leave.  It might get her out faster, but then she'd be in a terrible mood and getting her out of that mood, or waiting for her to get over it, would probably take a lot longer than it would have taken to come up with something that would make her willing to leave.  Maybe she'd end up so unhappy or angry that we'd just have to go home.  If nothing else was working, before resorting to carrying her out or walking out without her (so she would have to follow or be left alone), I'd probably try to make a deal with her.  If she'll do what I want - leave the monkey area - is there something I can do in return?  I'd see if she had a suggestion and if she couldn't come up with a reasonable one, I'd offer some that I would be okay with (buy her a candy bar?  let her watch a video this evening?  have an hour of special "mom and DD" time the next day?)

 

I suppose the "making a deal" idea is the one other people might be most likely to disagree with.  It's something I've done with my kids, and it does sometimes lead to a kid saying, "What can I have if I do X?" or "I won't do X unless you do Y."  But if it's not something I think it's appropriate to make a deal over, I won't.  Toothbrushing, for instance, just has to happen and I'm not going to agree to give any kind of bribe or reward for it.  Making a deal is a reasonable approach that adults often use when they want different things, and I think it's okay to teach kids to use that approach, either with each other or with adults.

Daffodil is online now  
#3 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 07:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

Hmm, I wonder if this is a good example to highlight differences between philosophies.  I expect most people would take pretty much the same approach here, no matter what their philosophy. 

I actually had a hard time coming up with a hypothetical and I kind of rushed this so feel free to start a new hypothetical. That said, I think your answers contain a lot of different approaches. I see some consensual stuff, I see some "having to go home", I see you addressing some practical physical issues, some rewards, some compromise, some logical consequence, some parental sacrifice...I think there are A LOT of styles even in your one post, actually.  


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#4 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 07:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

Here would be some of my random thoughts on this issue...

 

  • 5 is starting to be of the age where I would want a kid to start thinking of dressing appropriately for the weather. Of course, I would not "punish" the child for not following my advice about the jacket but I would take some time to talk about her choices later that day (probably before bed when everyone is in a good mood). I don't know of any GD philosophy that specifically addresses this but talking about mistakes when we're removed form the situation and in a good mood has been the backbone of my parenting since my DC was quite young. 
  • Oh...more later...baby needs me. 

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#5 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:06 PM
Banned
 
lilabet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 188
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd have packed another jumper or something so she wouldn't be cold - lots of zoo bits are outside - maybe she wasn't cold when she left, but just needed another layer to be taken for her.

And I'd take her to eat outside. Once she had the extra layer on. She might whine for a bit but she would cheer up when distracted by yummy packed lunch with extra treats that I'd have packed. Kids that age still have attention spans of gnats. And anyway, by the time she was 5 I would certainly expect that she could snap out of a whiny mood fairly quickly.
lilabet is offline  
#6 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)
You did not bring the extra layer.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#7 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:14 PM
Banned
 
lilabet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 188
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
She would have to get chilly then.

Probably this isn't a very GD approach thinking about it!

If she's lucky I've brought my scarf as usual and she can have that wrapped around her. She would be encouraged to eat v quickly then I'd chase her round a lot to warm her up.
lilabet is offline  
#8 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:25 PM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilabet View Post

I'd have packed another jumper or something so she wouldn't be cold - lots of zoo bits are outside - maybe she wasn't cold when she left, but just needed another layer to be taken for her.

And I'd take her to eat outside. Once she had the extra layer on. She might whine for a bit but she would cheer up when distracted by yummy packed lunch with extra treats that I'd have packed. Kids that age still have attention spans of gnats. And anyway, by the time she was 5 I would certainly expect that she could snap out of a whiny mood fairly quickly.

 

Yeah, I always take along warmer clothes if I think my kids might need them, no matter what they say they want to wear. 

 

If my kid was just a little whiny about going outside but I expected her to enjoy her lunch and snap out of it, then maybe I would just make her go out with me.  But "you do not know how to get her to move on to the next thing" implied to me that the kid in this situation was really adamant about not leaving and was ready to put up a fight about it.  I imagined that even if I could manage to drag or carry her out, she'd end up sobbing hysterically or screaming at me and would be so angry and upset that she would then refuse to do anything else I suggested, like walk to the picnic area or eat lunch once we were there.  It would definitely be worth it to me to take 5 or even 10 minutes to work out a way to get her to leave willingly in order to avoid that situation.

Daffodil is online now  
#9 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:37 PM
Banned
 
lilabet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 188
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think if screaming were involved I'd probably resort to bribery, of the - "I have something amazing for you in your lunchbox. Lets stop crying and go find out what it is!" kind.
lilabet is offline  
#10 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 12:43 PM
 
Mittsy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: somewhere over the rainbow...
Posts: 613
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

The clothes issue, I would have just packed a warmer jacket for if she got too cold. It's not that big of a deal for me to carry around in my backpack, and her comfort is important to me.

 

The food issue I would have calmly explained to her about the rules and then validated her while she lets out her emotions. From there I would let her choose when she is ready to leave that particular exhibit and where she would like to eat. I would point out that if she would like to stay at the exhibit a while or eat somewhere other than her friends we may not get to see them again that day, but I would not tell her this to manipulate her to do things my way instead just to let her know so she's not surprised unpleasantly later.

 

ETA: If you forgot the warmer clothes I would discuss that with her and see if may'be a compromise such as eating inside, borrowing a sweater from a friend and returning it at a later date, or cutting the trip short if she's really uncomfortable would be a option.

 

If she's screaming I would automatically direct her to a less stimulating enviroment where she can get her feelings out and talk. After she's feeling better I would talk to her about going to a private area to process those emotions since we're out in public and they could be disturbing to other people.


treehugger.gifhippie.gifhomeschool.gifnamaste.gifnovaxnocirc.gifcrochetsmilie.gifblahblah.gifenergy.gifgoorganic.jpggd.gifteapot2.GIFbftoddler.giffamilybed2.gif
 
Mittsy is offline  
#11 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 01:00 PM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,668
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
I would explain that eating isn't allowed in that area then ask if she wants to eat with her friends or continue looking around at animals. I would also pack another jacket in case my dd wanted it.
One_Girl is offline  
#12 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

I'm thinking there are a lot of ways to go with this: 

 

  • "Playful parenting" - try to cajole her into participating by helping her get out of her funk. Offer to run around to help stay warm. Offer to race to the picnic spot. This is so, so not my style but I could see this working well for everyone (zoo guests included) 
  • "Natural consequences" - allow her to experience being cold on the outing. Explain that you and the group will do your best to move to warm spots but that choosing do dress in an inappropriate way has consequences. In this case you could incorporate some strategies for next time: mama helps carry a jacket (not something I would be all that eager to do but that's just me), or offer to help your child figure a way to carry their extra stuff. 
  • "Logical consequences" - next time DC does not get to choose her jacket. Decide you need to go home. 
  • You could employ some sort of appeal to her sympathy about friends driving a long way to visit. At 5 I think this is appropriate. There are ways to do this that are either harsh or gentle. 

 

For me, there would be a lot to consider with this scenario. First, I would have a hard time not spending time with friends who drove a long way to visit. I think I would not give that as an option. I would really have a tough time with this scenario. I suppose that I would have to factor in that the obligation I feel towards spending time with friends is my issue though. And, as much as it would irritate me to take responsibilty for my child not dressing appropriately (assuming I had given advice before leaving the house), I would feel somewhat responsible for not at least putting a jacket in the car. Being the mom and all. 

 

I don't think I would be comfortable with a bribe in this situation. I have reserved bribes for long struggling issues that I couldn't solve in other ways - I rarely used them for quick fixes. To tell the truth, I'd be more likely to resort to some sort of threat, "If you can't sit with us in the clothing you chose to wear today while we have a quick lunch, I am not going to allow you to pick your clothing." This would probably be my last ditch effort. 

 

But, yes, I would probably be willing to share my clothing if I felt my DC were able to accept that offer with some sort of gratitude and it would truly help her get to a good space. I'd be open to borrowing something for sure (would probably have asked before it got to the point of being cold in the first place). I would probably also be willing to cut the trip short as a group and inviting folks back to our place. 

 

Then, yes, we would talk and figure out a plan for next time. I would want DC really involved. It wouldn't be ok with me to repeat this scenario only this time me having lugged around a 5 year old's jacket. This is not to say that this can't be a totally fine solution for others but I'm a light packer. ;-)  That would feel like a hardship for me. I may look into whether DC's jacket isn't fitting well or isn't comfortable. Maybe it's too hot. We would talk a lot about having guests and what that means to me. 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#13 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:04 PM
Banned
 
lilabet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 188
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh yes, I totally agree we'd be having a conversation afterwards, and certainly any time she thought she would be fine in a lightweight jacket again would get short shrift.

I don't really let my 3.5 year old sulk. Which is why I might be in the wrong forum. He knows he just can't wander round all day sulking about stuff - I expect a certain amount of cheeriness if he is doing cool stuff like being at the zoo.

I forgot friends had come from a long way - that would totally mean leaving early wasn't an option, unless they really wanted to come back to mine. Child would have to suffer the consequences!
lilabet is offline  
#14 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:08 PM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Here would be some of my random thoughts on this issue...

 

  • 5 is starting to be of the age where I would want a kid to start thinking of dressing appropriately for the weather. Of course, I would not "punish" the child for not following my advice about the jacket but I would take some time to talk about her choices later that day (probably before bed when everyone is in a good mood). I don't know of any GD philosophy that specifically addresses this but talking about mistakes when we're removed form the situation and in a good mood has been the backbone of my parenting since my DC was quite young. 

 

I would actually try not to do the "I told you so" thing afterwards.  I'm sure you wouldn't do it in a "Ha! I told you so!" sort of way, but still, nobody likes a "let's talk about the mistake you made today" conversation.  If the kid got cold, I think you can assume she realized her clothing choice was a mistake. I don't see any need to talk about it.

Daffodil is online now  
#15 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilabet View Post

Oh yes, I totally agree we'd be having a conversation afterwards, and certainly any time she thought she would be fine in a lightweight jacket again would get short shrift.
I don't really let my 3.5 year old sulk. Which is why I might be in the wrong forum. He knows he just can't wander round all day sulking about stuff - I expect a certain amount of cheeriness if he is doing cool stuff like being at the zoo.
I forgot friends had come from a long way - that would totally mean leaving early wasn't an option, unless they really wanted to come back to mine. Child would have to suffer the consequences!

I know. I'm sure there is a fine line between letting a child experience and have their own emotions but I also think a parent is a great reflector of mood and expectations. I'm a fan of appreciating how good we have it. My most frustrating parenting situations are when my DC is having a beautiful life and is having trouble appreciating it. 

 

And wouldn't you know that we are about to enter the teen years - YIKES!  (doing a disservice to my theory on positive expectations)  orngtongue.gif


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#16 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

 

I would actually try not to do the "I told you so" thing afterwards.  I'm sure you wouldn't do it in a "Ha! I told you so!" sort of way, but still, nobody likes a "let's talk about the mistake you made today" conversation.  If the kid got cold, I think you can assume she realized her clothing choice was a mistake. I don't see any need to talk about it.

The opposite had been true for my DC (now 11). Maybe it's a temperament thing or maybe it's the spirit in which I we do it, I don't know. When DC was young and I was putting her to bed, we always recapped, whether the day went 100% well, whether I made a mistake or whether there was something she could have improved upon. So it was built in and expected no matter the day. 

 

Now that she's older I have actually said, "I told you so," or, "You know I am always right?," or, "I HAVE lived 26 years longer than you." Of course, these are all said a bit tongue in cheek and only when DC is in a good space...but maybe the talks we used to have have taken the sting out of taking responsibility for errors? 

 

I don't know. 

 

But, YES, if it isn't a good fit for you or your child -- fine, fine, fine!  

 

And, if you chanced upon a kid who realizes mistakes without a talk -- oh, man...tell us your secret! love.gif


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#17 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:35 PM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post
  • "Natural consequences" - allow her to experience being cold on the outing. Explain that you and the group will do your best to move to warm spots but that choosing do dress in an inappropriate way has consequences. In this case you could incorporate some strategies for next time: mama helps carry a jacket (not something I would be all that eager to do but that's just me), or offer to help your child figure a way to carry their extra stuff. 

 

This doesn't feel like the best approach to me.  If the kid is cold, she's not going to be having fun, and if she's having a bad time probably all of us will be having a bad time.  If there aren't that many indoor areas and there's no extra clothing she can put on, maybe it's the only choice, but I'd probably do everything I could to minimize the amount of time my kid was spending shivering, unhappy and complaining.  Teaching her a lesson about making good clothing choices wouldn't be worth spoiling what should have been a fun outing.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Then, yes, we would talk and figure out a plan for next time. I would want DC really involved. It wouldn't be ok with me to repeat this scenario only this time me having lugged around a 5 year old's jacket. This is not to say that this can't be a totally fine solution for others but I'm a light packer. ;-)  That would feel like a hardship for me. I may look into whether DC's jacket isn't fitting well or isn't comfortable. Maybe it's too hot. We would talk a lot about having guests and what that means to me. 

 

If it felt like too much trouble to carry an extra jacket, I definitely wouldn't let my kid pick a jacket I didn't think would be warm enough.  When it's convenient, I prefer to let my kids make their own jacket choices (with advice from me, which they can ignore.)  Then I bring backup clothing if I think they may need it.  That way we avoid a fight leaving the house and they get practice making the right choice for the weather (and finding out what happens when they make the wrong choice.)  And they may know better than I do what will be comfortable for them.  Often they're comfortable in much lighter jackets than I want for myself.  But if their bad choice is going to cause trouble for me or result in their getting way too wet or cold, I don't let them make it.  (I was just asking my 7 year old about this scenario, and he said, "Well, I think the mom should make the kid wear a warmer jacket."  So he agrees.)

One_Girl likes this.
Daffodil is online now  
#18 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

 

This doesn't feel like the best approach to me.  If the kid is cold, she's not going to be having fun, and if she's having a bad time probably all of us will be having a bad time.  If there aren't that many indoor areas and there's no extra clothing she can put on, maybe it's the only choice, but I'd probably do everything I could to minimize the amount of time my kid was spending shivering, unhappy and complaining.  Teaching her a lesson about making good clothing choices wouldn't be worth spoiling what should have been a fun outing.

This wouldn't feel right to me either. I think there is a very, very delicate balance between giving your child the benefit of experience and allowing them to suffer and putting yourself out as a mother. I think this is probably the crux of GD for me. 

 

 


 

Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

If it felt like too much trouble to carry an extra jacket, I definitely wouldn't let my kid pick a jacket I didn't think would be warm enough.  

 

 

What we did was pick times where it wasn't too much suffering if DC picked the wrong jacket. So, when it's would be unreasonable for her to be cold for that long, I would force the issue. When she could go ahead and freeze for the short outing, I would let her pick. That's been a good middle ground for us. 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#19 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 03:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,664
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 119 Post(s)

Daffodi -- will you do one? It's difficult for me to really work my brain on a scenario I put together. And I think this is fun! 


Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#20 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 05:36 PM
 
Snapdragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,561
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

I only have a 2.5 yr old (and only read and am responding to the first post)- so my answer may be skewed a little to my younger child experience and I haven' t parented a 5 yr old yet!

 

I would say- c'mon dc (dear child) we are all going outside to eat.

If she said no I would say- remeber we brought those yummy cookies/muffins/whatever kind of food, let's go have it!

If she said- no! I want to eat in here! I won't come!

I would pick her up (or in my 2.5 yr old's case put them in the stroller- I am not sure if a five yr old an be contained in a stroller), or take her by the hand or however- and if she protested I would have something like a cookie or something she liked and say- here dc, you can have this cookie while we walk.

And then just go.

:)

Snapdragon is offline  
#21 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 05:42 PM
 
Snapdragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,561
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

now I read more of the post and have an additional response regarding the cold for not having a jacket part.

 

I would still do as I wrote above. then when we were outside if she was cold I would take off my jacket and give it to her or find someone in the group who had an extra layer to lend her while we were eating.

Snapdragon is offline  
#22 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 06:45 PM
 
pek64's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I actually lived through a similar situation, without the friends. I had brought the better jacket. It was brought out of the bag, the too light one went in, I said something like "maybe next time you'll believe me", and the zoo visit continued.
pek64 is offline  
#23 of 30 Old 12-02-2012, 07:21 PM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Daffodi -- will you do one? It's difficult for me to really work my brain on a scenario I put together. And I think this is fun! 


I'll see if I can think of one.

Daffodil is online now  
#24 of 30 Old 12-03-2012, 12:14 AM
 
k x s's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Ok I haven't read any posts because I thought it would be fun to try to figure this one out on my own.

 

What would you do?

I would explain WHY eating in the monkey area is not possible. Probably a combination of monkeys will be upset that they can't have any because they can smell the delicious food and what it would feel like to watch your friend eat a tasty snack in front of you without sharing with you then move onto explaining why you can't share the food with the monkeys (because they require different nutrition and would probably get obese/sick etc). Plus monkey food and human food is different and how although the monkeys really like human food can't eat it because its not good for them and how it would be much kinder it would be to the monkeys to eat outside in the picnic area, and then mention how, I noticed that its pretty cold outside and we unfortunately picked the wrong jacket for the weather and how surprising that was (lol) but that its only a short time and we get to eat tasty snacks outside and maybe we can share my jacket or maybe snuggle a little closer to keep warm and then talk about something distracting like how cold eskimos get and how they stay warm and then move onto how much warmer we will feel after we have a warm drink or a sandwich.

 

Sorry I had to edit this post because I accidentally posted without completing it. =)

k x s is offline  
#25 of 30 Old 12-03-2012, 12:40 AM
 
k x s's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 77
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oops I was rather specific. Reading the responses has been interesting. I think it would be too much upheaval to leave because of a jacket. Another thing I thought of is you could probably buy a jacket from the zoo giftstore. 

k x s is offline  
#26 of 30 Old 12-03-2012, 10:21 AM
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Vermont
Posts: 3,578
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daffodil View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Daffodi -- will you do one? It's difficult for me to really work my brain on a scenario I put together. And I think this is fun! 


I'll see if I can think of one.


Okay, I did one.  It's here: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1369347/gd-study-hypothetical-situation-2

Daffodil is online now  
#27 of 30 Old 01-14-2013, 02:41 PM
 
neonalee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,416
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 16 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by k x s View Post

Oops I was rather specific. Reading the responses has been interesting. I think it would be too much upheaval to leave because of a jacket. Another thing I thought of is you could probably buy a jacket from the zoo giftstore. 

I was wondering if anyone would suggest buying a sweatshirt or something. That's what my parents would have done. However, my parents are also somewhat broke due to poor money choices orngtongue.gif

Anyway, I love this discussion. I also love the disagreement. I find it extremely useful to see all these ideas and reasons for doing or not doing something.

Loving mama to Aden (8/5/2010) and DSD (15).
neonalee is offline  
#28 of 30 Old 01-14-2013, 03:28 PM
 
velveeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,564
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's interesting... I hope I am not bargeing in. Your situation made me realize that so much of my "discipline" relies on knowing my kids well. All three of my kids won't wear appropriate clothing most of the time, but want it if its cold. So, I just bring all the coats and pile them in the front seat, ready to distribute, if needed. And sometimes, they're not! LOL.

My kids also know that we must come to consensus so that everyone's needs are met. Actually, my oldest is nine, and he is the hardest to keep happy, but he is goooooooood at framing situations so that the others are more... Compliant. And now he usually gets his own coat, without reminding, but if I see he didn't bring it, I do bring it.

Also, I would wrap a five yo (and even my big boy!) in my coat if we didn't have something warm of his.

I do feel that insisting we come to consensus is important. I don't insist we do what I think, but it is just not fair for one person to have all the power (me or my child). One thing I say often, especially to my oldest is that when mom and dad make a choice in advance for us, a trip, medical procedure, or so, it is with careful thought of everyone in our family. I explain that when choosing for yourself, it is easier, you don't have to think of other quite as much!

Sorry, I did go beyond the scope of a five yo. My own five, nearly six yo is so easy going, there is no "discipline" to it. He is easier going than I am! LOL! It is my 9 yo and 3 yo who take me to school. ;-)
One_Girl likes this.

Jean, happy HS mom to Peter (5), Daniel (9) and Lucie (2) and also someone new... baby.gif
velveeta is offline  
#29 of 30 Old 01-17-2013, 05:59 AM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,246
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I always pack an extra layer and bring it in a backpack. Once I forgot and got a new sweatshirt from the gift shop (as someone else said upthread.) I've also given a kid my jacket if they needed it.

Otherwise, I guess my kid might be cold and/or hungry. I wouldn't let her eat in a monkey viewing area regardless of the rules - the rules are there for a reason and it's because monkey poo spreads disease, and because eating in front of monkeys could agitate them. I'd make sure to put some food in the backpack in case she got hungry and needed something to eat later.

I obviously don't do CL. I am into UP, so I wouldn't punish or offer a bribe to get her to do what I wanted. I would be fine saying, "The rules are this and this for these reasons. How do you want to handle things within the rules?" and then "Let me know if you change your mind" if she decided to skip eating. I always have a snack on hand, because dealing with hunger takes care of a lot of behavior problems.

My oldest is a great problem solver. If I tell her what the problem is and ask her how she wants to handle it, she often comes up with a way of handling it that I hadn't thought of, so I always give them the ability to come up with their own way to handle a problem, and if that problem is OK (determined by me, so again not CL) then I'm fine with going with that. But if she were to simply refuse to leave the monkey area, we might split up so one parent stayed with her until she got bored - but she wouldn't eat in there so she'd get hungry too. When they were 2, I would just pick them up and move them if they refused to leave someplace, but I can't imagine doing that at their ages. My kids understand that if we say we need to do something, it isn't because we don't care or are trying to force something on them, but because it's important. If we said, "I know you want to eat here because it's warmer, but it isn't healthy to eat here and it will upset the monkeys. We just have to continue on now" they would just leave without a fight. They might whine a bit, but they'd leave.
mamazee is offline  
#30 of 30 Old 01-20-2013, 02:54 PM
 
bankamundi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Southern ME
Posts: 21
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

This is a hypothetical situation for us to practice different philosophies of GD: 

 

You and your 5 year old have plans to go to the zoo with some friends who are driving a long way to join you. You were rushing out the door and decided to (at your child's insistence), let her wear a jacket that you felt was not quite warm enough. Your group was visiting the indoor monkey area. After watching the monkeys for a long time the group wanted to move on and have a picnic lunch. Your DC said she wanted to stay and eat lunch in the indoor monkey area. Eating is not allowed in that area and you told her it was time to go. She refuses and you do not know how to get her to move on to the next thing.  

 

What would you do? 

What are some different GD approaches that would work well in this situation? 

It's OK to get "out there" since this isn't a real family or situation. 

 

I use "123 Magic" which is a rather mainstream discipline book, but an age-old and effective method.  There is no yelling or hitting.  It lets children decide whether or not they'll comply. If they don't, they get a time out.  It takes a lot of parental work at first, but it's one of the gentlest ways out there, assuming it's used consistently and kindly (avoiding angry time outs and yelling!).  

 

Anyway, in my house this situation probably would not happen. We choose outerwear for kids who are young like this, and the reason is, we know best.  So if a child argued with us about this as we were leaving, the likely worst case scenario is we'd be late to meet our friends due to a time out.

 

However, if I somehow found myself in this situation, I would give the child a count for arguing.  I'd probably offer her a blanket tell her her choice is to have lunch in time out or wear a blanket and join everyone at the picnic. If the arguing continued to "3" the child would go for a time out, probably in the car while everyone else had the picnic.This would also mean no ice cream because ice cream is for picnic-havers (or something). 

 

I don't think at five, a child ought to sit in the cold to learn a lesson.  It's not her responsibility to know what to wear.  It IS her responsibility, however, to follow directions. And she is not to argue when she's been told the parent's decision is firm.  It's the parent's responsibility to provide warm clothing. And it's the parent's responsibility to make sure that the child isn't allowed to ruin a picnic, or tantrum & receive special treatment! A time out is a drag. Especially if you have to walk all the way back to the car.  But it doesn't take a lot of time outs like that to get the message across. And when I give them, I don't feed the tantrum by talking at the kid, or acting put out. At least I try not to!  We have a good system, here.

bankamundi is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off