I want to thank Mittsy for starting this thread! I don't know about all of you but I feel like I learned a lot and as someone who really loves the GD forum and the variety of perspectives one can get here - I LOVE That we are paying attention to some of the less mainstream perspectives that fall under the GD umbrella.
Is there anyone on this thread or the study threads that is willing/able to start a thread on another philosophy? I know a few folks said maybe they could do TCS or UP...
I have been meaning to start a thread on CL. I will work on that later today if I can.
It might be a good idea if someone would be willing to cover the differences between UP and CL, or CL and TCS.
Thanks, Mittsy. You're awesome! Maybe if we don't have anyone who can do a quick run-down, we could do it together and link these threads once we've covered NVC, UP, CL and TCS?
I want to do one on the issue of positive expectations (CC) and will start some research for that for after your CL thread. I need to find some articles to include because some of this may be just a evolved philosophy of mine but (to me) the concept of expectations has been one of those lightbulb parenting discoveries.
Maybe after you do CL we could do another study thread and even try to apply "mainstream GD", CL and NVC - I think that would help highlight some of the strengths of the different philosophies.
I'd like a 101 post, with either a one-sentence description of what all these initials stand for, or links to threads where they are explained in more detail. Seriously lost over here (been reading but not commenting).
- (UP) Unconditional Parenting
- TCS (Taking Children Seriously
- CC (Continuum Concept)
- PET (Parent Effectiveness Training)
- NVC (Non-Violent Communication)
- CL (Consensual Living)
- Positive expectations
From here we can expand on this list, include the links to the themes we've covered along with off-site links to articles and websites. If anyone feels able to write a 101 short description - awesome OR we could pull that from official sources.
I just started a UP thread:
It's long winded, I tried to be brief though!
One of the biggest problems I have using NVC is in working with or just interacting with people with personality disorders. I know Marshall doesn't like labels, but for me a label sometimes helps me organize my thoughts, and among my colleagues I only have to say "borderline" and they immediately draw an accurate mental picture of the person I am talking about, so its useful as a kind of shorthand to describe a cluster of traits. Anyway, there is one person in particular in my NVC group who comes to the group for help with the "horrible, disrespectful, and abusive way" he is treated in all areas of his life. When he relays conversations in which he was supposedly the victim, it seems very clear that he was extremely abusive to another person first and that the other person was simply trying to withdraw as fast as they could. I have a great deal of trouble being empathic to him, and listening over and over and over to yet another victimization story, with no signs of self-awareness increasing or any ability to have any degree of empathy for another person. I get so frustrated that NVC doesn't seem to be having any kind of impact; instead, its providing him with a sounding board for his litany of complaints. And it seems that every time he gets empathy and validation, he re-affirms to himself that its others, not him, that are the problem, and his status as chronic victim is re-affirmed in his mind.
How do you use NVC when you are interacting with people who have interpersonal difficulties like this?
I love NVC, use it as much as possible and have led a practice group in my town for three years. I have wondered about this exact issue a lot. I don't know whether NVC can really work with someone like this. I think NVC is the best system I have ever encountered, but it is not perfect - I would love to see someone really adept at NVC work with a person like the one in your group.
For those interested in NVC with young children,
There is a pair of articles in Psychology Today about "micro circles" inspired by Restorative Circles, which is inspired by NVC. Here are the links. I highly recommend them for another idea of how to use NVC with kids.
Nice to see some real NVC discussion here - thanks OP for introducing it so clearly!