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#1 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 03:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi guys, I dont know if this site is STRICTLY for women but i could really use some help. This is my first post by the way. I'm a 23 year old man with a 3 year old boy and a 6 month old girl. I am in uni studying forensic computing and information security, and im a musician. I like to think im a generally calm nice guy with a relaxed attitude to life, i love my children and take them wherever i go, my son loves to help me make music and play games with me and i take him to uni on my days off and he sits and watches thomas while i do my work. my daughter also loves sitting on my lap helping me to play video games :P and she gets soothed when i sing to her (daily) however on top of all this i suffer with anger issues, but it is 99% of the time directed at inanimate objects (for example when a problem arrises i leave the children in a safe place, leave and punch a wall or something to try and calm down... or scream... however i know this is counter-intuitive) but today i crossed the line and cannot stop crying or close my eyes. my son is quite rough with my daughter and he gets told off for doing so, tonight however he was messing around with a toy that wieghs more than 2.5kg and he nearly crushed her skull in. as he brought the object down it landed on her hands (she was on her belly having tummy time) but i reacted so fast, in that split second i lunged over grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and the belt buckle and threw him into a wall. after a long cry he was fine and eating chocolate, no cuts, bruises, grazes nothing and he gave me a kiss but i have crossed the line and i NEVER want to hurt my children again. my wife is telling me im scum and should die and i cannot get the image of his horrified face out of my head, i well-up everytime i close my eyes. i maintain that this wasnt nesecerally out of rage because it was a knee jerk reaction, i just... dont know what to do. :(

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#2 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 04:27 PM
 
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I've gotten made at my kids, I've even let myself go so far as smacking a butt before I caught myself.  Kids can really try your patience!  Throwing a child into a wall is on a whole nother level.  I'm glad that you recognize your anger is a serious problem.  You definitely need to seek professional help and you may want to consider moving out of the home you share with your family until it has had some time to work.  I'm guessing you are in the UK?  That is good as you should be covered for your treatment (I assume).

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#3 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 04:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by blessedwithboys View Post

I've gotten made at my kids, I've even let myself go so far as smacking a butt before I caught myself.  Kids can really try your patience!  Throwing a child into a wall is on a whole nother level.  I'm glad that you recognize your anger is a serious problem.  You definitely need to seek professional help and you may want to consider moving out of the home you share with your family until it has had some time to work.  I'm guessing you are in the UK?  That is good as you should be covered for your treatment (I assume).

 

I completely agree.  Honestly, if my husband did something like that, I would not let him be around the kids again until he got help.  This is not going to be the last time your kids make you angry.

 

Anger being directed at inanimate objects 99% of the time is not good enough when you have kids.


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#4 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 04:59 PM
 
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I agree--please seek professional help right away.

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#5 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 06:53 PM
 
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I agree, and good for you recognizing that this can't continue. You need to get help for your anger and if I was your SO I would not feel safe leaving the kids alone with you. Nothing personal, just a matter of safety.
FWIW a parent doesn't ever have to get physical with a child in order for that child to be terrified of that parent. My mom was completely terrified of her dad and he never laid a hand on her. He did have physical altercations with her mother though and directed a lot of rage at inanimate objects. She never felt safe with him. You don't want your kids to learn that it is ok to hurt others or be hurt. This incident aside, can you imagine how scary it must be for a three year old to see dad punch a hole through the wall?
You're not a bad parent, we all make mistakes. It's what you do now that will determine how your kids will see you when they are older. Please seek help immediately and put your kids' needs for safety above any misgivings you may have about therapy. It sounds like you really love your kids and you have to move heaven and earth to make sure you are a place of safety and love for them, not fear. Good luck!
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#6 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 07:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by skycheattraffic View Post

I agree, and good for you recognizing that this can't continue. You need to get help for your anger and if I was your SO I would not feel safe leaving the kids alone with you. Nothing personal, just a matter of safety.
FWIW a parent doesn't ever have to get physical with a child in order for that child to be terrified of that parent. My mom was completely terrified of her dad and he never laid a hand on her. He did have physical altercations with her mother though and directed a lot of rage at inanimate objects. She never felt safe with him. You don't want your kids to learn that it is ok to hurt others or be hurt. This incident aside, can you imagine how scary it must be for a three year old to see dad punch a hole through the wall?
You're not a bad parent, we all make mistakes. It's what you do now that will determine how your kids will see you when they are older. Please seek help immediately and put your kids' needs for safety above any misgivings you may have about therapy. It sounds like you really love your kids and you have to move heaven and earth to make sure you are a place of safety and love for them, not fear. Good luck!

 

Please get professional help.  Even watching someone punching a wall or expressing barely controlled rage can be traumatizing- one of my most terrifying childhood memories was when I was about 5 and my Mother was so angry with me, she took my doll and beat it against the wall, the whole time screaming at me that she's hitting my dolly so she wouldn't hit me.  You don't want to do that to your children.  Please get help.

 

Your Wife being angry and not wanting you near the kids is normal- how would YOU react if someone hurt your child?  It sounds like you panicked for your daughter's safety (you're a good Dad), but you majorly overreacted and hurt your son (big mistake).  The fact that you're on here seeking a solution is a good sign, that you love your son (and daughter) to do your best to make sure you never hurt your child again.

 

One more thing... if you haven't already, apologize to you son.  He likely did it on accident, but even if he didn't, there's never a reason to hurt a child and he needs to know you didn't mean to hurt him, you're gonna do whatever you need to do so that it never happens again, and he needs to be reminded that you love him.


I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#7 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 10:08 PM
 
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so the 3 year old almost hurt the baby with a heavy toy, and then you did hurt the 3 year old with a sudden hard throw into a wall. 

by this logic, what should happen to you? 

what are you doing to work on your anger management issues?

it is only going to get more difficult as your children grow. what happened between the baby and the 3 year old is actually your responsibility, because part of a parent's job is to keep all tempting opportunities for mistakes out of a preschooler's way (this includes chemicals stored under the sink, cigarette lighters, heavy toys that are left out around babies having tummy time on the floor). meanwhile, what happened between you and the 3 year old is considered abuse. you are a grown up and therefore you are responsible for your actions. either get your actions under control (COMPLETE control) or remove yourself from the situation.

a best solution to the scenario you described would be for you to remove any tempting opportunities for trouble from your 3 year old's environment. failing that, when you witnessed what happened with the 3 year old and the toy almost falling on the baby, you would express *horror* to the 3 year old -- tell him that OMG you almost bashed in her skull. you CANNOT drop things on her head. REMOVE THE TOY from the scene immediately. pick up the baby. protect the baby. tell the 3 year old again that this cannot happen ever again. then forgive him for making such a mistake. and yourself commit to being more vigilant in the future. watch the 3 year old constantly when he is around the baby. you probably won't get anything else done. this is the way it is with young children. this is why it's such tough work.

i commend you for reaching out for help and advice. 

ps: know your triggers for anger. if the 3 year old triggers it (which 3 year old boys frequently do)... maybe best to take your wife's advice and steer clear of being in sole charge of him until he's older. you caught a BIG break if he wasn't hurt by being thrown into the wall. a slightly different angle and you might cause permanent brain damage. could you live with yourself if your son winds up mentally or physically impaired for life because of your anger issues? better to avoid that scenario, right? check out your community resources for parent education classes and/or anger management help. good luck. 

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#8 of 17 Old 12-19-2012, 10:17 PM
 
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ps: google the term "concussion injuries." it is POSSIBLE that your son in fact suffered a concussive injury (a brain bleed -- entirely possible given the circumstance) without outward signs of injury. bear in mind that CUMULATIVE concussive injuries may be severe -- think of the situations faced by retired pro football players who have suffered repeated concussions over the course of their careers. a child's brain is more vulnerable than an adults due to the relative size of his head to the rest of his body, the less developed muscle structure of his supportive neck and body, and the fact that he is still growing, and his brain is still developing.

 

you can better appreciate the gravity of a situation involving child abuse. my best advice to you would be to do as your wife suggests: stop being alone with the kids and work on resolving your anger problems. you can do it!!  

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#9 of 17 Old 12-20-2012, 03:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the help guys, i woke up this morning and everyone has gone but im not sure for how long. i have no idea how this parenting stuff works, i feel awful for doing what i did and its considered abuse but everyday im with my kids (where most men would see them as an inconvenience) they are my legacy and i love them. but my wife, who is constantly calling my 3 YO an arsehole and a bastard and such and such BUT has never laid a hand on him laughs when i say THAT is still abuse, she reckons because what i did was worse she can do it all the more. i will get anger management classes or a councillor, im even considering going church (was raised in a xtian family but rebelled against it) i feel lost, like ive lost my spirit, i feel dirty.
 

PS: it is immaterial now, but everyone has always commended me on the way i have treated my kids when theyre playing up, one time for example when my son had an "accident" in the university i used my "come on now son, why did you do this when ive asked you blah blah blah" in a calm voice... and people say "how do you not shout?"... it takes a lot to rile me up, i had both the kids all day while helping my step dad clear out a loft and taking stuff down the tip, and feeding them bothm and soothing a teething 6 month old, and watching the 3 year old, and i come home 6 month old has pooped so i change her nappy to find that the wife didnt get any wetwipes (fair enough we all forget) so im sent to the shop (which incidently didnt sell wetwipes) so i come back and get shouted at because im attempting to use tissue paper, warm water and cotton wool balls, all while shes sat ordering HERSELF food online... then the incident happened. i need help more than anything, im not a horrible father or person, im going to the sally army to help homeless people over xmas, i give hot drinks to the homeless, i talk to old people when they want a chat, i help people that want help, i give and give, i spent my last £10 untill end of jan on my brother for his xmas pressie.... and then i go and throw it all away :(

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#10 of 17 Old 12-20-2012, 06:25 AM
 
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It's possible to be a good, generous, and typically kind person who also has rage issues.  Based on what you've posted, you have rage issues  They absolutely must be addressed with a professional.  Since money is tight--do you have a religion/church congregation?  Many religions offer free counseling.  They may not be equipped to provide counseling in regards to your rage issues, but they may be able to refer you to somewhere that is.  If you want to post your location, others may know of free/low-cost counseling resources in your area.  Please get help.

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#11 of 17 Old 12-20-2012, 06:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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make no mistake i will be getting help, we have various resources around here, even as simple as a visit to the doctors can get a person in with a councilor. i just want you all to know i appreciate the responces and that i love you all, even if i dont know you.
 

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#12 of 17 Old 12-21-2012, 07:44 AM
 
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Obviously, I can echo what everyone else said - kids are incredibly frustrating and you need some help. But I also just want to say that this doesn't have to define you as a person or a dad. You can acknowledge what you did wrong and do something about it, but also forgive yourself so that you can move on.

   Also, I have found that when I am reacting over and above what the situation calls for - getting overly angry or whatever - it's often because I'm frustrated with other things in my life, things that are less obvious than an irritating toddler, so I react strongly to the irritating toddler, not realizing that that irritation is fueled by other, harder to deal with problems. It sounds like you have a lot of other things going on in your life and relationships, and so maybe when your 3 year old is just being a 3 year old, you react in a very inappropriate way because you're living at a high frustration level. Not that that makes it okay. But for me, helping understand why I am doing something helps me stop. Sorry if that sounds like psycho-babble, but it's been helping me allow my little one to just be little and to deal with my own problems rather than take out frustration on him.

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#13 of 17 Old 12-21-2012, 04:16 PM
 
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Obviously, I can echo what everyone else said - kids are incredibly frustrating and you need some help. But I also just want to say that this doesn't have to define you as a person or a dad. You can acknowledge what you did wrong and do something about it, but also forgive yourself so that you can move on.

   

 

 

yes, this.  op, this is not anger - it is rage.  rage doesn't make you a bad person, but it does mean that you were not given the tools to learn how to appropriately deal with fear and anger.  rage is all based in fear.  you are NOT a bad person.  I will echo that rage doesn't disappear on it's own.  you will need to seek help, which it seems like you are ready and willing to do.  if you are interested, there is also a 12 step group for ragers - rageaholics anonymous.  we are ALL capable of abuse if not given the proper tools to cope.  now you must learn them, and there is no shame in that.  I commend you for coming forth with your experience and asking for help.  

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#14 of 17 Old 12-21-2012, 05:34 PM
 
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I have done things that I am not proud of.  Not to the extent that you have but things I deeply regret.  I have apologized to my children, I pray about it and I try to forgive myself.  This does not make you a horrible father.  You need some help.  Maybe part of the flare ups are because of your marriage.  I agree that when I am having a hard time in other areas of my life I tend to take it out on my children.  Please don't take to heart that you are scum.  You sound like a good dad who needs help.  It sounds like you and your wife both need some help.  Good luck with everything and I wish your family well.

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#15 of 17 Old 12-21-2012, 06:15 PM
 
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It's a great sign that you feel like a complete a-hole for doing it, and it's great that you came to mdc for some ideas. The mere fact that you horrified yourself says that you are capable of some great, loving parenting and are able to recognize when something is not healthy.

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#16 of 17 Old 12-21-2012, 07:32 PM
 
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i want to say two things

 

You sound like you are capable of being a great dad, this takes a lot of guts to talk about this and open yourself to all the replies. I'm very impressed at your accepting ownership of this very serious issue. Please go get the help you need and be the best person you can for your children. You can work thru this and both you and your children deserve you to.

 

Secondly, what you wife does with the verbal crap, that is abuse too, it is insidious and can be very damaging.

She needs to recognize that and get some counseling for her fear and anger as well, please do what you can so help that happen too.  There is no wrong that gets excused be the presence of another bigger wrong, don't let her pin that on you, you have enough to take responsibility for already and you are doing a good job so far at that process.


partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
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#17 of 17 Old 12-25-2012, 09:17 AM
 
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Well done for realising that you need urgent help to ensure that your children are safe around you.  I applaud that and wish that other parents with rage issues would do the same.

 

I would urge you to ask for help for your wife too if she won't accept that what she's doing is way beyond acceptable. 

 

My best to you.  Without being able to face up to this, there is much worse to come for all of you.  I am very pleased that you are able to do this for your family and yourself.

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