Lately, I been so tired of gimmies and lack of gratitude. Tons of hatefulness,risk of hurting himself. Not doing homework. He is 8 years old and it feels like we are constantly battling with each other and anything I say he goes then I will do that to you like for loss of something then he goes if you take away my xbox I will take away your computer. He has gotten violent anger tantrums and tantrums where he seems like he's choking himself.
He doesn't listen to anything I say and if it's not something he wants he is Mad continously giving the angry glares or pouting.
So I wanted to know what to do because I feel like going TV Free and internet Free at home.
Hugs to you, mama, feeling stressed in bringing in the new year! I have some thoughts on how to help your son but wanted to give you a hug tonight.
Ahh. It's a hard time of year for the gimmies, isn't it? I noticed that the dark skies around here lately and the recent storm of presents seem to have had an effect on everyone's irritability in our house. Lots of impatience, all around.
Can you guys do something fun together, like something he chooses to do? Sort of a re-boot? I did this yesterday and played Strawberry Shortcakes for 3 hours. Seems to have helped tremendously. I notice that when I feel like throwing dd out into the snow, it means that I should probably grab her and love her up to stop the whole cycle of nonsense...and it usually does work.
Hope the New Year brings you some much needed joy!
Are you thinking of going internet, etc-free because you think it is affecting him in some way? Or are you wanting to make him feel your power? If you did a no-demand day, like promised yourself that you would not ask him to do anything, not tell him what to do in any way...no bossing at all, would that feel really strange? Like, if you bit your tongue every time a demand was coming out, would you have a pretty bloody situation? I've noticed that sometimes when there's all that conflict, there are also a lot of demands both from a kid and on a kid and pretty soon it's demand followed by demand followed by demand all day long until it all sounds like a shouting boss-match. But it might help a lot..it does sound to me like you and he are head-crashing, but only you really have the power to unstick that.
I always go WAY back to basics if I'm feeling this stuck with my kid. It starts with me - organized, simplified home, good food, healthy schedule. I cut back on any non-essential drains on energy and focus. Limiting video, TV and computer would be part of that for me but not in a punitive way -- it's just that if you don't have the time and energy to invest in family relationships, the responsible choice is to limit those things, imo. How is sleep, predictable schedule, food, structure and etc. in your home right now? Is there anything that can go to improve those things? If so, GREAT! I love when I can make big improvements because things haven't been as healthy as they could be. If you are already doing what you can do, I suggest some sort of therapy. Even if it's just reading books from the library or talking to your family doctor.
Does your child attend any sort of schooling or activities? If so, how is his behavior there?
I'm thinking of going TV and internet free because I wonder if the shows and games are affecting him.
I don't really demand him. It's like we go out to a movie then when I decided to eat dinner at a restaurant with his Grandma(my mom) and then to stores. It's Mr. Whining,Sulking,Pouting and then certain things he hears opposite or something he thinks he hears when I haven't said anything like saying You hate me,now your not going to get me this because you said those things and all I could be is just walking to the bathroom.
I'm feeling like he's the Upper Hand that I just want to scream and cry all the time because when he gets into his moods there no hearing and then when he's not in them he still not listening to anything I say even when I try to ask how his day is or what has he been he still doesn't say
It's Mr. Whining,Sulking,Pouting and then certain things he hears opposite or something he thinks he hears when I haven't said anything like saying You hate me,now your not going to get me this because you said those things and all I could be is just walking to the bathroom.
I wonder if he's doing this thing that dd does occasionally. She'll come out of nowhere and say "you are a mean mom. I'm not talking to you", and I'm like "whaa? Who? huh?" and it turns out that she's been mulling over something from yesterday, or she is misinterpreting something I said on a phone call to someone an hour before. But it throws me off...and most times I can bug her until it comes out, but once that took me an hour of pestering her only to find out she was mad about something really, really lame....but we fixed it, and I validated her, yet I asked if she could verbalize this thing right when she tells me I'm so mean...that way we don't have to fool around for an hour. Sometimes I really wonder, though, if she's just needing some focused attention and this is her sure-fire way of getting it?
Do you ever get a break from Mr. Whineypants? Or has this been a "waking all the way through bedtime" funk he's in?
It sounds to me, mama, like you're in a place where you really need to vent. So, vent away! Vent here and to friends first. He's 8, I think you can vent to him a little. Have a family meeting. Tell him how you feel. Tell him things are going to change in your household. He may need to see you take charge. He does not like this either. Things like movies, restaurant and shopping does not sound like a relaxing thing to do with a kid who has the gimmies. How about a big house clean and some toy donations followed by a trip to the park or a hike? Or cooking together.
I rarely get a break from this and if I try to vent to him. He's like you hate me and everyone hates me. I bet you wish I never was born. I can't walk away because he does the choking himself with his hands.
It's an everyday battle,I even have to put silverware way at the far back because he tried to get himself with fork and knife. Then a couple days ago he tried to cut himself with a potato peeler.
He doesn't want to do only sit down games he wants pillow fighting and blanket fighting continously which is pretty much a rough player but then always claims the rules of any games we play even if it means he's cheating on those games,board games,card games,
If you try to say he's wrong he will sulk,get angry,and throw the board, and cards all over.
You sound really stuck. You've got to get a break for yourself and it sounds like some sort of therapy. Do you have any resources for that?
Can you use that time to read some parenting books? I can recommend some. It sounds like you really need a perspective shift. What are your favorite parenting books to date?
This part made me think of Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting. I love how he went with the contact-style stuff.
This series of books is the reason I don't abuse my children: http://www.amazon.com/Your-Eight-Year-Old-Outgoing/dp/0440506816 This author goes through every developmental bump. She gives very good advice. She's practical, gentle, and pragmatic. Her advice for three year olds is "Stick them in daycare so no one gets hurt. They'll be fine again at four and if you want you can take them back out of preschool." That was AWESOME advice! heh.
I am also really enjoying Giving the Love that Heals.
My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.
I second the Louise Bates Aimes books.
Also read "Parent Effectiveness Training". That book is kind of dense. I'd read it like a research paper and take lots of notes. They also have classes, which are wonderful.
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" is an oft recommended book for that age.
I love "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" but that may be for parents of younger kids.
A good child development book is useful.
For homework, build it into your routine. And do it along with him. Either help or read your parenting books. Do it every day at the same time. Provide a nice snack and some exercise before. Make it a nice spot with a good chair and nice lighting.
Also, once you make these big changes (like some of the ones I suggested above) you will need to adjust your expectations. Kids live up...and down to our expectations of them. I know it's hard to change when things have gotten this bad. Make some changes, clean the slate and start again with positive expectations.
Take responsibility as the adult in the relationship for how bad things have gotten or get some help if you feel it is beyond your control. Talk to the teacher, school councelor or your pediatrician if you feel the violence and self-harm is beyond your scope.
That one isn't one of my favorites.
If he is hurting himself you probably want to get him into therapy. Do you know much about cutting and self-mutilation? I started when I was 8. Often self-mutilation is about control. The child feels like (s)he has no way of controlling life but the kid can control how much pain they feel. It's a really difficult situation overall.
I think of cutting as a tool to help me manage my anxiety. It's not a great tool. It's kind of like pulling out an sledgehammer if you want to put a thumb tack in the wall. Sometimes it is all I have so I do it. (I haven't in over a year. I'm trying to not model it for my kids.) But it's a serious compulsive habit to get into. You will probably need a professional to help your son work through how to develop other coping skills. Sometimes there are things that laypeople/parents just can't teach. It's not because you are a bad mom. Cutting is really serious stuff. It's complicated. It's layered.
Good luck. I'm sorry the road is rough right now.
My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.
Well, I do need to improve on getting him to sleep earlier and try and find some way to get homework done without a fuss . As long as we have a tv he don't touch his homework. He stays in at recess. to get it done or brings it home and still doesn't touch it. I try to turn off tv but that won't work because he will just turn it right back on so now I think I figured out an idea to do tv free and internet free time without completely losing it but those are major distractions. He will say Mommy I promise I will get it done and nothing even when I let a 30-1hr break as soon as tv is on he's gone out of his Mind and that's the problem with him not doing his homework.
I will even try to let him relax but as soon as he sits down tv is on and anything I say go out the door
Hi - I'm reading the book Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis Norton right now, and it sounds like it might really have some ideas that could help. While my own dd is just a baby, I have seen first hand what happened when my aunt and uncle used these parenting strategies with their two boys. I would really recommend taking a look at it if you feel like you're at your wits end and need some new strategies. Feel free to let me know if you want to hear more about it.
In your case (in addition to therapy if you have any resources to make that happen), I do think I would cut TV from your life. I would move it out of the house, I think. I love a consensual solution to problems but I think that takes a level of mutual respect that you do not have in your home. I often feel the beste we way to help a child is to be super sensitive to the parent posting here and give them the support they need. I'm going out on a limb here to say that I think that you need to be the adult in this relationship right now. I think his behavior is crying out for you to offer him some firm guidance and support.
I also think you should listen to RKOM and her advice about self-harm.
In the immediate (before you've had time to read some books and arrange for some therapy) I would focus on some firm boundaries, limiting TV, setting a good schedule and bedtime routine.
With the TV, my DC never did well with limiting TV. She was never a child who could watch like a half hour/day. Our solution when she became old enough to watch was to not allow any TV on the week day and somewhat unlimited during the weekend (but we stayed pretty active so there was/is rarely a big marathon TV weekend). What helped DC accept this was that she was part of the TV solution. If you think he's up for it, you can ask him to help you brainstorm a TV solution within the framework that you set.
For the record, my advice to you is far more "mainstream" than I normally give/like to get on this forum but it feels like a typical athoritative structure is what you need right now because it sounds to me like you may be coming from a pattern of fairly permissive parenting. Does this sound accurate?
An inbetween parenting not too permissive and not too controlling.
I was raised by a very overly controlling parent that I had no ability to speak for myself until I left to live with my son's dad . It was great to be able to be me and have my voice heard. I got to make some good friends when I lived in California.
Even tho Brendan dad turned out to be a dad that is no longer in our life since Brendan was 6 months old.
My rules are No playing in Street, No littering in the home,No talking negatively about friends if I hear a name call or a negative comment about his friend. I will send them home. Then he will see it as you never never want me to have friends.
I'm not the type to give into gimmies even tho I may bring him a fast food meal home but if he has not been in good behavior I will only order stuff for myself without him knowing.
I'm not going to be the giving what he wants all the time.
We never had homework struggles before as all the time he had homework he would get it done right away when he had played with this one friend who is now his former friend due to his former friend making him do some bad stuff including after I ended the friendship a psychopath neighbor has been coming after him like a rabid dog because the former friend probably reversed the things he did to the psychopath neighbor kids saying my son was doing this to her kids.
He doesn't get the motivation of it with Leilani or Tyrell as in No Playing with kids til homework is done it's like no touch.
It's like all we need is a kid who have toys like his former friend did to play outside as with that kid homework done with tv on 5 pages under an hour.
Read through this thread and get some of the books. There seems to be a lot going on in your life right now. You are not going to solve anything by lumping things together and shifting from one problem to the other. Spend some time reading and thinking about priorities. See if you can get into some therapy for you and your son. Best wishes.