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#31 of 44 Old 02-09-2013, 11:48 AM
 
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TV , hitting and bad language are behaviors. If we take a CPS - collaborative problem solving perspective behaviors are merely symptoms of lagging skills and unmet concerns. Talking about behaviors won't solve the underlying problem. So we need maybe to do some cps with each kid seperately and then facilitate cps between them

 

TV -  Mom: I have noticed since you have been watching the xx TV show , there is a lot more bad language , hitting and fighting in the home , what's up 

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#32 of 44 Old 02-17-2013, 06:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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mary934: Thanks! For some reason I always forget about cps, I should do something about that.

 

I wanted to give a little update on us regarding the situation I needed help with. We have all agreed to stop watching the tv show in question for a bit as dd seems to be really sensitive to some of the things portrayed in it. To help dd with the name calling we have been scheduling regular music making sessions, and other games, where we shout out whatever name comes to mind just for fun.If I hear name calling outside of these games I usually pull her aside and let her vent on me while I translate her tirade into nvc feelings and needs that we can work with. The hitting has completely stopped, now when anybody feels like hitting we call a family pillow fight or a playful wrestling match.


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#33 of 44 Old 02-17-2013, 09:58 AM
 
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Can anyone give me some ideas on how this works with a toddler? My son is almost 18 months and he has started doing some major screaming tantrums and hitting and/or throwing objects at me. For now I have been ignoring it and if he hits me more than once I say, "We don't hit."

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#34 of 44 Old 02-17-2013, 10:26 AM
 
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We are quite good at collaborating with babies and toddlers by be responsive to their cues. If they are not verbal and can't articulate their concerns , we can try make suggestions about what is bothering them , maybe use pictures , put our concerns on the table and then suggest solutions , maybe in pictures etc. This must be done out of the moment - the focus is not on behavior bit on the concerns.

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#35 of 44 Old 02-17-2013, 05:40 PM
 
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So, Mittsy, do you think the activities you are doing are what is helping or is it the decision to not watch that show?  

 

We haven't really had to struggle with hitting or language but one thing that I feel worked well with language is to just talk about appropriate settings for different types of language. I don't consider "bad language" to be a problem but more a problem if used in the wrong setting. That has seemed to work for my older child. She knows I don't mind her using it, knows that it really offends others, knows that it's not allowed in school and etc. I feel like that took some of the charge out of it. 

 

Not sure if this is CL or not though. 

 

Also, I've seen a few recommendations for outlets for hitting as a solution of hitting at MDC. I thought that sort of cathartic therapy was frowned upon lately. We bypassed any of that because of some articles I had read when DC was young (that are now perhaps dated?) and I feel like at least for her I think it was a good fit. 


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#36 of 44 Old 02-21-2013, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LunaLady: We take a pretty playful approach to tantrums. For screaming we do things like pretend we are gorillas banging our chests and calling, getting into a cat yoga pose and yowling and hissing, screaming into pillows, pretending we are a very loud fire alarm going off, getting into a snake yoga pose and hissing, making music or drumming and just yelling out whatever comes to mind. For hitting and throwing we bring out a special basket of soft toys and let the kids at it, or sometimes we do a family pillow fight.

 

IdentityCrisisMama: I think both the activities and not watching that show for now are helping. She has told me that she is having a hard time dealing with her "yucky feelings", so I've been trying to help her with that by reading books, doing eft, and by doing validation and showing her some calming techniques. We don't mind bad language at all, but the issue we were having is that dd was calling ds and other kids things like "stupid star", "idiot", "I'm going to kick your butt" when she was getting mad and it was really hurting their feelings.

 

I actually agree with doing things to physically work through your anger like throwing or hitting toys. I think the child innately knows what they need to do to work through their anger but it just our job as parents to redirect those behaviors to a harmless outlet.


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#37 of 44 Old 02-27-2013, 09:00 AM
 
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In response to LunaLady, I think screaming tantrums are different (on the level of being problematic or not) than hitting and/or throwing things at someone.  Meaning that I think the latter situations require some sort of intervention, just taking the responsibility to keep yourself safe and/or protect others from physical violation, and to protect the upset toddler from inflicting harm, too.  I think it's important to protect a child from the hurt he'll carry from having hurt someone else, or just to acknowledge regret (take the situation seriously) the times we don't get there in time to offer that protection.

 

If a "screaming tantrum" does not involve physical acting out, then it wouldn't call for that physical limit/protection, but otherwise I think the approach to the child in the situation would be the same.  And I think the response is generally about recognizing what is going on and acknowledging the feelings being expressed.  Contingent communication would be conveying that understanding (empathy) and showing acceptance of the feelings (validation or acknowledgment.)

 

Staying close and supportive while those feelings are expressed would be my goal for a toddler who is having some "major screaming tantrums" and generally the physical limit (putting your hand on the toy he wants to throw, or taking measures to keep yourself safe from kicking/hitting/biting as needed) in combination with that same closeness & support will facilitate emotional release in those times when he began to "act out" his overwhelm in physical aggression.  Once the feelings are flowing, I think you are in a good place because he is doing what he needs to do.

 

Responding playfully can be a fine thing, too.  Laughter is a release just as tears are.

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#38 of 44 Old 02-27-2013, 09:25 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mittsy View Post

I could use some perspective and advice from other cl mamas on the issue of kids watching troublesome tv shows. My kids have recently started watching Spongebob Squarepants, which I personally don't like at all because of the language and violence, but the real issue I'm having is since they have started watching this show I'm seeing a real upsurge of name calling and hitting in our house. We have had numerous discussions about these behaviors and how hurtful they are, but nothing has changed at all. The only option I can really see at this point is blocking Spongebob, but that seems like punishment to me and of course I'd really rather not go that route.....

 

Help!

Reading this & the resulting conversation was interesting for me, (I haven't been to this site for awhile), because I got to think about an issue and then mentally frame it in the CL context, which was a little tricky for me!

That's only because I haven't been too preoccupied with or mindful about "CL or not" when proceeding in life, for awhile.  But I think CL values/practices greatly influenced my approach to parenting (and for awhile I actually did try to make choices or respond based on referring to a CL framework.)

 

So it was just a little tricky for me to think about.  Like, would my kids (or at least my oldest child) have the opportunity to start watching Spongebob in the first place (or whatever substitute show might introduce something I found problematic)?  And if not, "is that CL"?  And if this situation were actually happening for me, would any of my responses "fit" CL?

 

But overall, I know that once I got past my initial reactions & feelings of displeasure (with a focus on Spongebob Squarepants as being the source of the problems I'm observing), my typical practice would be to identify my feelings as being mine (or as indicating something about me--something I am not liking because of some fear it triggers in me, etc.), and that I likely would want to respond to the issue by increasing connection.  So rather than setting limits or trying to make rules to manage viewing habits, I might specifically offer connection instead, with the belief that resolution is likely to come naturally.

 

It sounds like you may have done this, actively substituting more connection for the time spent with the show.

 

I do, too, think it's important to keep reminding ourselves that kids will "work out" (or "play about"!) the things that are bothering them, including having been exposed to edginess, confusing or frightening attitudes/dynamics, mean words, and power-over dynamics.  Exposure to scornful, sarcastic, mocking or mildly belittling language, tones or exchanges is likely going to "come out" or get expressed in a child's play & relationships.  Ultimately, this is a good thing.  (Though it's usually upsetting to witness it, particularly between children.)  But it only splashes out because it's in there in the first place, making the child feel off-track because she feels confused, or unhappy.

 

They have the good instinct to heal their hurts & the things that cause little "blips" for them inside.  And play is how they do it.

 

So I think your focus on recognizing when she has some of that work to do/stuff to express, and taking her aside so that YOU are the one it gets "splashed on," is really constructive.  Being able to "translate" what you hear likely helps you to show empathy & acceptance for what you're hearing, which means you're likely staying warm and connected, which helps her.

 

I really think serving that function (being the container that "holds" for her what she has trouble containing, and reflecting it so she can "have" or see herself & can enter a process of relating to what she sees, making decisions about it, and resolving it) is THE task.  Even more than any "processing" we do...reflecting them and really receiving them in that active way is the function we serve.  Because it facilitates their individual processes.

 

Anyway, cool.

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#39 of 44 Old 02-27-2013, 09:40 AM
 
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I'd like to talk about school attendance. My daughter most days likes to go to school. We've talked on and off about homeschooling as an option, but generally speaking, she wants to stay in school to have more time with friends. About once every week or two, she will adamantly refuse to go. We are already past the limit the school allows for missed days of school, and I'm getting nervous. Any ideas?

 

My daughter hasn't expressed clear unwillingness to go to school in a long while, but she actually did this morning!  In the past when this has come up (and also today when it came up!) my focus has been listening to her feelings with real acceptance (rather than a focus on any particular outcome.)

 

In general, I imagine I would want the outcome to be "resolution" of the issue with her going on to school, and I probably have some fear about "what if?" it doesn't resolve, but my approach is to be present in the moment rather than thinking about the immediate future (her "working through it" and "ultimately going to school.")  The effect is that I am not pushing against or resisting her feelings, so there is a lot of space for just exactly how she's feeling and what she has to express about it.  (This is the same when she has negative stuff to say ABOUT some other person, too.)

 

I focus on presence & really hearing/understanding accurately, rather than on "doing" anything to get something to happen.  And looking back, I can observe that she's never actually stayed home at any of these times (nor have I ever "made her" go to school.)  I think inside I'm ultimately open.  I am not closed to the possibility of a so-called mental health day (or days) even though at some point the issue of missing too many days becomes a factor, so as a result I am not tightly wedded to one absolute outcome of her going to school.  But the truth is, I am not thinking "yes" or "no" at all; I'm not engaging her adamant assertion (of not going to school today) on the level of its validity ("will" I grant it? "can" I grant it? what should I do/how should I respond?) at all.  I think this fact is what helps most.

 

I know, too, that getting there is not a matter of trying.  It's a matter of congruence....just bringing my actual feelings & reactions (tension, irritation, fear, annoyance, helplessness....) into awareness so they are part of my conscious experience (and thus, I am congruent.)  I tolerate or "contain" them, and in the process I find that I'm able to make space for my child's experience.

 

THEN, something happens inside her.  My presence (my lack of opposition) facilitates a process in her.  (She frequently takes care of the "collaborative problem-solving" steps all on her own, lol!  But this actually makes sense, considering how my own process is typically internal--a matter of experiencing my own feelings that results in emotional resolution and the ability to move on.  And these mornings always have involved the "problem" of feelings....so often they "just" need to be felt: allowed, and experienced.)

 

Looking back, the same thing has happened every time.  (She has reached some kind of internal resolution and just gets ready for school.)  I think that "space" for her feelings is THE thing.

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#40 of 44 Old 03-02-2013, 10:19 AM
 
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Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post


Also, I've seen a few recommendations for outlets for hitting as a solution of hitting at MDC. I thought that sort of cathartic therapy was frowned upon lately. We bypassed any of that because of some articles I had read when DC was young (that are now perhaps dated?) and I feel like at least for her I think it was a good fit. 

Do you have a link or source for articles against cathartic therapy? I read something recently, and it really resonated with me, but I lost the source.


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#41 of 44 Old 04-01-2013, 10:06 AM
 
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Okay, wise mamas. Help me figure out how to handle this situation. When my first child was born, I was unmarried but in a committed relationship. We decided to hyphenate, but to keep the name from getting too long, we decided against a middle name. Starting around 3.5, she hated not having a middle name. For the last couple of years, she's consistently used a middle name but it's not her legal name, so her school refuses to recognize it. We've talked about legally changing it, so the school would. After using it for more than a third of her life, to us it really feels like her middle name.

However, for the last six months, she also has talked about wanting to drop my husband's last name from her name. She doesn't like being the only kid in her class with a hyphenated last name (which is how this middle name business started: not liking being the only kid without a last name), and she prefers my last name to his. (For the record, I'm married but didn't hyphenate or change my name.) This definitely hurts my husband's feelings (and will probably hurt his family of origin's feelings when we already have a rocky relationship with them); she still uses the hyphenated name; and we worry that the changed last name won't stick like her middle name (though it might). She doesn't like the idea of taking my husband's last name, because she feels closer to me (the primary caregiver) and my parents (who she adores). My daughter would like to change her name as soon as possible. I would really prefer getting it done within the next 10.5 months, so she remains young enough that she doesn't have to go to court for the name change. (She might want to go, but I definitely prefer having the option of not taking her if she doesn't want to go.) I really really don't want to go through a name changing process more than once. Should I change her name, including the last name? Should I try to push her to take my partner's last name instead? (I'd be a bit disappointed, but I think I could take it in stride more than he could.) Should we wait? Any advice with getting my partner's support?

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#42 of 44 Old 04-01-2013, 08:47 PM
 
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What does GD and TCS mean?


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#43 of 44 Old 04-03-2013, 04:17 AM
 
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GD = gentle discipline 

TCS - take children seriously - a libertarian approach to parenting and education.

 

 

Alfie Kohn talks about the '  Trouble of Pure Freedom '  and the focus on the individual kid's learning , and  the lack of community – cooperative learning, that characterize libertarian schooling.

 

 
The libertarian worldview sees adult involvement as an authoritarian  restriction of personal autonomy. Total autonomy is not developmentally appropriate . Kids need guidance and many of them need structure at the same time that they need the opportunity to learn how to make good decisions.  
 
The same criticsm holds for parenting the TCS way.
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#44 of 44 Old 04-03-2013, 10:14 PM
 
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Revolting - I have experience on the subject of name changing, and thought I would share what has worked for us. Not exactly CL (or anything else), but it feels right.

 

My DD has always wanted to change her name. Long story, but at 4, I had to change her name for safety reasons, in a major domestic violence situation. Although she helped choose her new name, she has never been satisfied with it, and has always wanted to go back to the original name. I personally love her current name (of course I do, I chose it!) and am sorry she doesn't like it (I like her original name too - I chose it also, of course!). But I decided this is an adult choice, not a child's, to make. I fully support her in making this change when she turns 18 (in 3 weeks!).

 

In my mind, this is nearly as permanent a decision as a tattoo. I am pretty heavily tattooed, and am happy with my choices. But it is not a decision for a child. My children are welcome to make this decision as adults, but while they are kids, I am saying no. ElderSon, at 30, has a mess of tattoos himself, and YoungSon, at 16, has plans for his tattoo as soon as he can. But he is pretty OK with waiting.

 

I am happy to discuss these limits with my kids - I have solid, sound reasons for my choices. I am aware of their plans, and they both have good reasons for their choices. These are the only subjects I can think of that I have ever played the Parent Trump Card. Even when the issue was as serious as smoking pot a couple years ago, my parenting style is very similar to collaborative problem solving, very much based on CL types of attitudes and values. But I feel comfortable to say, in these limited circumstances, "As an adult, I have more experience than you do. Your feelings are perfectly valid, and I understand why you want to act on them. But for now, I am making this decision for you".

 

The post about revolting's DD sounds like a kid wanting to change her name to fit in with her friends. It sounds like she has changed her mind a couple times - and I might expect her to change her preference again, as her tastes mature. Many kids go through stages of hating their names. From my perspective, that is OK. A name is a gift from a parent - it may well be that she will eventually appreciate the thought that went into your original decision.
 


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