It occurred to me that much of my frustration right now hinges on my feeling like I don't get as much positive adult social interaction as I'd like, but I struggle with the notion of going out and away from the family without being productive. Thus, having a job could likely fulfill my desires while earning us some savings.
I also know it may be very difficult for me to heal/reconcile my discontent of my identity and our relationship, but maybe working will help resolve whatever resentment and inequality I have been perceiving in our current dynamic. With this knowledge, I hesitate to call it all water under the bridge (for fairness to us both- we both have some things to work through and forgive if we hope to stay together). So I would like to establish a sort of "just in case fund" with a portion of my income, to help transition should we part ways. I don't feel good about leaving our lease or selling our car, and I don't want to make a hasty move that could impoverish us all. Instead, that savings account, in my name, could accrue for the remainder of our lease ( and however much longer beyond). If we manage to come through this rough spot together, we'll have some savings to put by for our next home or kids' college, or whatever. Do you see how this seems like it could be working for the best no matter what? It sure feels that way to me right now.
I feel a bit foolish for not making this connection sooner, but we are just now getting to a place, since youngest (and final) child's birth, that me getting work could happen without childcare. It had me feeling so trapped, helpless, useless, and isolated from the adult world all around me. I seem to thrive on social interaction, but have lost interest in most things "adult recreational"- especially in the evenings. It was just so thick and tenacious that I couldn't see through it.
I deeply wish I had a better ability to rise above and see beyond my own disempowerment, waning determination and perceived repression. I feel strongly that a breakthrough is happening, a paradigm shift toward the new me I am growing into. It's like puberty all over again, and I have so often felt powerless to stop this runaway train of piss and gunpowder that I have been. I feel like I've shattered my dusty old glass cell, and it feels amazing.
My husband is not abusive, nor am I. We both have some really rough times on occasion, and we somehow find our way back to level and loving space. I know that snippets of information can make him look bad, but the same could be said for me.
If some of you have similar stories of adult puberty/growth spurts, do you have ways of recognizing that you are in your "awkward phase" that help ease that transition?
Wife to one amazing husband , SAHM to DS 10/09, DS 10/19, one furbaby , and lots of !
Mama, as to this, I appreciate the insight you share and will learn from it what I can. You are a few years ahead of me on the mom front and I won't be surprised if I find myself in a similar situation to you. I moved across the country to be with my husband about 7 years ago and absolutely immersed myself into his culture and ways and pretty much cut off my former life. I tell myself I was meant to do it because that's how I got my baby, but the truth is that I took a road I thought would protect me from my worst fears-but didn't. The day will come when I need to get back out of this shell, so I relate to that and hope it won't be at the expense of my marriage or anything, but it will no doubt be a bumpy ride.
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