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#61 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 10:58 AM
 
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Apeydef, I'm not quoting your post, but allow me to explain further. My intent wasn't to imply that you are not supervising your children.
Let me exemplify by taking two children, a baby and a preschooler who is raised to be obedient, and another pair in which the preschooler is asked and reminded not to pick up the baby, but not required to be obedient. The obedient girl might be more compliant because of punishment when an adult is present; but I would venture to say that at the end of the day, the result is the same: you still can't leave your obedient child unsupervised with a baby, and you can't leave the "disobedient" one either. So why insist that she obey you?

IMO asking our children to obey is a powerful message that might play in their head as adults, in their marriage and in their job.

I'm not questioning your parenting one bit. I'm sure you are a great parent and your kids are lucky to have you. You wouldn't be on parenting forums if you weren't interested in your children (as we all are). I'm just trying to answer your initial question: why we don't ask children to be obedient. These are my reasons.
I never said I left them alone!! Does anyone read what I write? I said I was right there when it happened! I also said I have sat down with her and explained to her that she cannot pick up her brother because he or she could get hurt! Does this sound like a drill sergeant mentality? He is also not a baby he is over one running walking and talking (I said that too) so there is going to be times I walk out of the room for a moment! So if I gave sat down with her and explained a safety issue and talked it through with her I should not expect her to respect my wishes and obey what I gave said?! That is ridiculous to say other wise! So what would you do in this case? Stand there and let your child pick up her younger brother? Bc you don't want to enforce rules! I also never even said I punished her you are just assuming I did!!

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#62 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 11:06 AM
 
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I have made it clear we do not agree and I do not wish to go back and forth! But I am getting a little perturbed with the assumptions that I am punishing or that I am leaving my oldest alone with the youngest!!

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby boy due Dec 17th

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#63 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 11:17 AM
 
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#64 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 11:28 AM
 
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Yes you started off by saying that your intent was not to say I'm not surprising my children but then ended with again about how one cannot leave a baby and child alone! I assumed that was meant for me! You sure seem like you care because you won't stop going on about it!! This whole time my questions were answered but everyone keeps referring to "if you do this your kids will do this!" Do you see why that can come off as offensive ! Nobody just said I don't ask my kids to obey because of this and this and this.... It was always brought back to me about you shouldn't do this or this or this!

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#65 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 01:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't been on in a while so I missed all the deleted posts but will try to come back now and then when I have more specific examples of things maybe someone can offer advice on how to deal with... One example of "misbehavior" that comes to mind would be throwing one of his toys down and breaking it, in a fit of anger.

 

For example he had a perplexus ball for a year or two and we've always been careful not to drop it (it was a replacement for one that was defective) and one day in anger he slams it to the floor on purpose as if it were a basketball and of course it shatters open, and we put it in the garbage... my "punishments" are always the same and I don't even like to use that term, I don't see it as a punishment but maybe thats what it is.. I send him to his room when I'm angry with him so of course I was angry he broke one of his previous xmas gifts, I yelled about it and sent him to his room. As to why he was angry in the first place and slammed it down, I cannot remember. It could be he had done something ELSE and was angry I had sent him to his room for THAT, didn't want to go, and so grabbed the toy and slammed it down. He's done things like that before where one thing escalates into another and another and 5 minutes in his room turns into a half hr all because he doesn't just go in the first place when he's asked, I don't know what else to do about it all, and end up adding 5 minutes for each one... I do try to have compassion and figure out why he's acting up in the first place but sometimes I just want to get it to stop, I'll tell him to "stop" (2 or 3 times) he doesn't listen, so then he gets sent to his room.

 

As far as the lecturing.. it does bother me that DH talks to him the entire time but it is not in a stern voice he does not sound angry about it and he does not yell. Honestly he is one big walking contradiction that I'm still trying to figure out. I have heard DH use "look at me" before (only a few times) and it made me uncomfortable myself.

 

The person who said this, has it right "essentially negative reinforcement. He withdraws positive attention until the child does what he wants, which is to sit still for a six-minute reprimand. The fact that he's had to do this more than one time says to me that this is not working for them."

 

 What he's doing to our DS is essentially a mini version of what he's been doing to me for the past 3-4 years except its taken me until about 6 month ago to figure it out. I thought he was getting alzheimers or something. Some days I still think there has to be a medical explanation. I have a hard time accepting that someone can make a conscious choice to treat their spouse the way he's treated me. I fight depression every day and have been trying to figure out what to do about it all. He doesn't think he has a problem, when I figured out what was going on (essentially that he was passive aggressive and emotionally abusive to me) I was estatic I finally had some answers and we could make progress now we knew what the problem was. I presented him with articles that described him to a T which he refused to look at, he immediately stated it was me who was being abusive to him. He actually sees himself as the victim, has an excuse for everything, and blames me for the way he treats me.  I have a post on the abuse forum and its going to take me a while to sort things out. It becomes so overwhelming when I Try to think about and sort out that I end up just putting the whole issue away for a few weeks and the weeks turn into months, and years.. I'm trying not to change the topic of the thread away from the child discipline issue..

 

I don't think theres danger of me becoming more strict just to be on the same page as my husband. He's already proven himself to be emotionally abusive to me so I no longer trust him. I honestly don't know if we will stay or split. Some days I feel one way, other days another way. Our son knows we have different ways to deal with the same thing I think he's ok with that. I do tend to try to compensate for dh and be more permissive than I'd otherwise be in some situations.  My son sometimes talks to me in ways he would never talk to DH and DH interprets this to mean that I am the bad/unsuccessful parent and he is the good/successful parent (because his methods must be working, as our son is so respectful around "him" and when he's around "me" his behavior changes)  I see it as the opposite. I think our son feels most comfortable to be himself around me, he knows I love him unconditionally and thus, doesn't always have to walk on eggshells (I have to do this with DH myself) he does test his limits with me because he knows he can get away with more, but part of the problem is I think he's so controlled around DH he just lets it all out with me at the first opportunity.  


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
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#66 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 04:01 PM
 
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I haven't been on in a while so I missed all the deleted posts but will try to come back now and then when I have more specific examples of things maybe someone can offer advice on how to deal with... One example of "misbehavior" that comes to mind would be throwing one of his toys down and breaking it, in a fit of anger.

 

For example he had a perplexus ball for a year or two and we've always been careful not to drop it (it was a replacement for one that was defective) and one day in anger he slams it to the floor on purpose as if it were a basketball and of course it shatters open, and we put it in the garbage... my "punishments" are always the same and I don't even like to use that term, I don't see it as a punishment but maybe thats what it is.. I send him to his room when I'm angry with him so of course I was angry he broke one of his previous xmas gifts, I yelled about it and sent him to his room. As to why he was angry in the first place and slammed it down, I cannot remember. It could be he had done something ELSE and was angry I had sent him to his room for THAT, didn't want to go, and so grabbed the toy and slammed it down. He's done things like that before where one thing escalates into another and another and 5 minutes in his room turns into a half hr all because he doesn't just go in the first place when he's asked, I don't know what else to do about it all, and end up adding 5 minutes for each one... I do try to have compassion and figure out why he's acting up in the first place but sometimes I just want to get it to stop, I'll tell him to "stop" (2 or 3 times) he doesn't listen, so then he gets sent to his room.

 

I also hate when ds slams things, although he has never broken anything... but it annoys me to no end.

What I would do in the situation you mentioned... I would probably yell and tell him how upset I was, although I try my best not to yell...

But after cooling down, I would probably admit that it was his toy - his own possession - and as annoying as it is to see him disrespecting gifts, I would make him clean up the mess and leave it at that. The consequence is that he doesn't have a toy to play with.

If it were someone else's toy, or my own things, I would ask him to pay out of his allowance. Once ds scribbled on a newly painted wall, and he had to repaint part of it himself (under dh's supervision). He also had to pay for the painting supplies out of his own allowance. He never drew on walls again.

 

 

Not saying this is the best or the only way of dealing with things.


Ds 9 and dd 5
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#67 of 73 Old 12-08-2013, 09:08 PM
 
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Of course the difficult marriage and the difficulties with parenting are connected. I'm sorry about the whole thing. You deserve better. 

 

In the meantime, I don't think it makes sense to send your child to his room any time his father would. I think you can do the other kind of time outs--the kind where you actually take a cuddle break or just stop and chill out. It's OK for you, as the mom, to ask the kid for a time out for yourself. I used to do that when my kid was littler and I got overwhelmed. 

 

If he gets mad enough to break his toy, he's already feeling bad about the toy.  It's enough punishment to clean it up. I'm sad for you guys that you got him this thing he liked and he broke it. It's probably feeling a little too symbolic right now. 

 

If I were in your shoes, I would get my favorite children's book and invite the kid onto the couch and read it to him. Or even favorite adult book. Just sit there for a while and chill out, morning and evening. Or make a family tradition of having a glass of water (or some special beverage--add ice cubes, whatever seems special) at a certain time every day. Just break the tension and regroup for a short time every day. Rituals are important. They give you a way to treat him with care, and they don't reward bad behavior. he's not going to be this little and cute for very long, and you shouldn't have to miss out on that. One of the things my son used to say at that age that I liked a lot was, "This is very peaceful." 

 

The way I solved my biggest conflict with my son when he was six was this. His father went on a business trip. We'd had about two years of arguing about getting dressed every morning. He would demand that I come into the bedroom and pester him (!) or refuse to button his own clothing, or whatever. On Monday of the week we were alone, I said, "I wonder how long it will take you to get dressed if you time you on the kitchen timer. I'll record your results all week and we can see." When his dad got back, he demanded that he make a spreadsheet for him, and use a timer with more precision, so it wasn't only something he did with me. It was amazing! We did it all through first grade. (Six minutes was his record.)  It made us so happy. I love how much he loves spreadsheets, even though I don't like them! It's cool how we can reach our kids through the ways they are different from us, not only the ways they are the same.

 

 

I would be shocked if you could get this marriage back on track. Your parenting relationship, though, you can fix. You know that you are on the same team with your son. 


Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#68 of 73 Old 12-09-2013, 07:26 AM
 
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When I was with my ex husband, who I have mentioned is identical to yours, and I do mean everything, from parenting style to communication to age to his father being a preacher, my daughter began acting strangely. At first when she was three it was breaking her toys and raging a bit here and there. Then she became very attached to me, and didn't want to be with him at all. His punishments for my daughter were the same as those for your son. My husband was pretty obsessive about her behavior. She got in trouble if she colored outside the lines because it meant she wasn't doing her best, for example.
Well, our son was born, and ex DH was paranoid about DS being spoiled, etc. He was into cry it out, not holding him too much, and me not sleeping with baby in the bed for even five minutes. When I got upset about these things, he physically would prevent me from seeing the baby. He would block the door and not let me out of our room. And anytime my daughter had a bad dream, which was often, and she would come to my room crying, I was supossed to send her back to her room. Not go with her. If I did, I would be in trouble with my husband.
My daughter, who I had been a single mom to up until then, had always been sweet, smart, eager to learn and even obey. Not anymore. We caught her breaking things, slamming our sons fingers in a dresser drawer, hitting baby DS in the head with a vase, and finally choking the cat to unconsciousness.
All this is just to give you an idea of the extent of the control exercised over us all. Eventually, I started refusing to not sleep with DS at times. He would physically jerk him out of my arms and take him to his room. If my son cried in his room, EX DH would stand in the door and push me back into our room. Finally I backed up and got physical with my husband. I was fighting, everyday, to parent as it seemed right to me, and it took that moment with the cops to finally set us free. My children, who werefive and almost a two when it was all over, had watched this man say horrible things to me and them, had seen me beaten and they had been, too. I wondered if DD would ever be the same.
My children, now that he is gone, are incredibly sweet and well behaved. DD wouldn't even think about hurting a living creature. She never hurts her brother. Its like she woke up from a dream. If I ask her about the strange things she used to do, she doesn't know why she did them and makes her cry to remember.
My point is, a child exposed to this attitude very likely has a lot of repressed anger issues. Keep that in mind.
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#69 of 73 Old 12-09-2013, 07:48 AM
 
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And oh yes, everything was always my fault and he was always the victim. I forgot to mention this... my ex DH had been married previously. He did tell me, in the beginning, that he had two daughters, oldest had aspergers, youngest had behavioral problems. Neither ever wanted to see their dad, ever. He made his ex wife out to be just terrible, and the reason for their split. Toward the end of our marriage, I met them all. His child with aspergers can function wonderfully without her dad. When he's around, she rocks and becomes quiet, and stutters. The youngest refuses to even speak to him. She says he sexually abused her. And the ex wife? He threatened her with a gun to her head one night, and she took the kids, teens by then, to a bedroom and then they all snuck out the window and ran from him. That's what really happened. They are all wonderful, nice people, once they're away from him. I might also add that I was on prozac for depression when I was with him. I have no depression issues now at all, and am no longer on prozac.
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#70 of 73 Old 12-09-2013, 11:31 AM
 
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I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I've had an incredibly busy year with working so not a lot of free time to get online for advice. (and a very depressing year as well so I never did bring myself back for an update) I did read all the replies several times and they helped a lot although I think I was in denial about some of it because it hadn't yet escalated to be obvious until our anniversary. At the time I posted I was also unaware that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I posted question about our son but we also have major problems in our own relationship as I learned this summer he is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive to me for 3 or 4 years.

 I'm in the middle of trying to figure out what to do about that and its very difficult.  There has not been more instances of the "Who's house is this" remark that I'm aware of. Even though I had not confronted him of this.  Yes, I was afraid of him, as it turns out in retrospect... But at the time I did not think I was, I thought that was silly I knew he wouldn't hit me or anything so I planned to confront him indirectly by just suggesting we watch dvd together.. However when my parenting dvd arrived, he refused to watch it with me and was very defensive. So defensive we had a little fight or argument about it which had me depressed for hours and I think I couldn't sleep half the night and I realized THATS why I do not confront him about things that bother me. I lose sleep afterwards, get a headache, lose hours of work (I work from home)... it is so emotionally draining... I'm not afraid physically but I pay the price emotionally so I tended to avoid him most of this year. I'm starting to understand our relationship dynamics I just don't know how to get it to stop and I'm not convinced we would all be better off without each other yet (when I confront him with how he is treating me is abusive, as the things he's  doing to me are listed on websites emotional abuse, he immediately states that what I'm doing to HIM is abusive I won't go into it here but I'm trying to get help elsewhere)

 When he first refused to watch the dvd with me I found this baffling. Its not like he was familiar with it, he only knew the title. We used to always watch stuff together.  It was the Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting dvd.  So I end up watching it alone and enjoyed it.  I do think our brief discussion about it did something and he tried not to be so strict after that as I did sense a change after that.. Or maybe its my imagination. He said life is all about rewards and punishments, if he doesn't show up for work, he gets fired. If he does, he gets a paycheck. He had a point and it was almost like he won the argument as I really didn't have any good comebacks but it still didn't feel right to me.

He was very angry that I challenged him on something to do with parenting, he is always like this, he will be very upset if I don't like his way of doing things...

  What he's done this year and I'm a bit sad that when I read my original post I remember how hearing "obey" and "punishment" used to bother me so much, yes I remember those days I guess they are over.. Unfortunately I've heard them so often this year its become normal for us and I don't even cringe anymore.  I feel defeated but I've been too emotionally drained trying to figure out whats going on in my own life & relationship and bringing myself out of depression that I've been too distracted to put any energy into figuring out better parenting techniques than stressing obedience & punishments..  I managed to talk dh into signing up for a local parenting class (he thinks its me the worse parent, so he was happy to go for me, I think) but we only went to the 1st one. He did not wish to continue after that as he did not like the instructor methods (she gave childish stickers for class participation) and although I planned to continue on my own, I end up missing next few weeks due to other events going on, and they require you to "make up" every class you miss so I decided to just stop (it was at least 12 session I think) and maybe try again next spring when they had it next. They did give us each a book with everything they go over, so I'm hoping to read it this winter even if I don't go back I have the book..

Anyway this is what dh does now if our son does something he does not like, whether its not do something he's asked to do timely enough or if he talks back or anything dh deems fit for a punishment which is usually because he didn't listen to something he was told to do, he says he "owes him 6 minutes" (because he's 6 yrs old now, I think he got that idea from watching nanny show) it used to be 5 minutes.. so until he does his 6 minutes (he must sit on his bed and do nothing and think about what he done and his dad talks to him during this time to be sure  he understands why he is being punished and didn't forget what he did) then my husband will not play with him or do any fun stuff with him until that 6 min. is done.

 Its up to my son when he does his minutes.. it can be that day or the next week but he doesn't get to do any fun stuff with his dad until then.  Sometimes he gets multiple times in one day, today he got 3 of them greensad.gif Some days he gets none. He does them one at a time though, and usually on different days... not 2 back to back... I am not sure what to think of it all, thats not how I was raised, and my husband does seem to be adapting his approach and trying to better himself as a father (he used to make him sit right then against his will trying to hold him or make him stay on the bed, now he no longer does that, and its up to DS when he is ready to and this seems to be working much better) but he does seem to get a lot of them sometimes (I don't think a week goes by without at least a few) and I just wanted to get some input on this.  What does everyone else do when their kid misbehaves or doesn't do something parent has asked them to do? How does everyone else handle it? Is there a better way?

 I personally don't do the 6 min, I just send him to his room and I'm somewhat flexible about it, he can sometimes come out early for good behavior.. I also don't go with him, he doesn't have to sit on the bed he can play if he wants to. But the time varies from 5min-30min depending on how cooperative he is at going on his own, because I do not physically make him go but just tell him to, sometimes he doesn't listen right away but for the most part I think he's pretty good about it all. When he comes out I try to remind him why he went in the first place so he doesn't forget, because he does play in there, so I know he is not thinking about it the entire time, which is ok with me.

Again, thank you to all who responded. There are some very wise women here, you have been very experienced and I appreciate the input, even now in retrospect it is still helpful to me as I try to untangle myself from the mess I am in.
I want to tell you that I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time and I'm also sorry that conversations between me and others took your thread into such a different direction! I did not mean to be rude or insensitive! When my child does something like not talking nice or "misbehaves" I send her to her room and I try to make it five minutes but I'm not real set in stone for how long! I don't do it as a punishment so to say but I notice when she is removed from whatever's going on for a moment she comes out happier. Sometimes she just needs a break. I don't always send her to her room though only if it's a repeated behavior. I try to evaluate the situation first bc if she is tired or hungry she will start acting out! So I try to take that into consideration. When she does get sent to her room I always ask her do you know why you were sent to your room? And she answers, or I say this is why mama sent you to your room..... This is why you can't do this...... I try to make sure she knows the reason behind not doing it. But also when I send her to her room I will say you need to go in your room because you should not be.........so she knows ahead of time why she is getting sent. I also ask her why she did whatever it was bc I want to know what she is feeling! I hug and kiss her and tell her I love her when she comes out from her room. Oh and also I usually just let her come out whenever she asks so she's probably in there for only a couple minutes ! I used to not let her play but now I do bc I have been learning as I go! Anyway I'm sure others will not agree with my tactics but this is what I do! Also sorry if you already said this and I missed it but would your husband be willing to go to marriage counseling?

DH 31; Me 30; DD 5; DS 1; Baby boy due Dec 17th

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#71 of 73 Old 12-20-2013, 08:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My point is, a child exposed to this attitude very likely has a lot of repressed anger issues. Keep that in mind.

 

This is one of my fears, as I believe my husband has repressed anger issues, probably stemming from childhood. He thinks he comes from a normal wonderful family and I think he is trying to parent in the way he was raised because thats all he knows and he feels it is best.. Its almost like he was glorifying punishments a few times.. he asked my son a few times what he thought his punishment should be... trying to let him play a role in that as if it were some wonderful thing that is only done by someone who loves him.

 

We haven't talked about how he was raised and if I try to find out now I probably won't get the truth. I don't think he'd tell me anything that I might find fault with. But however he was raised, I know I definitely want to do the opposite. The last thing I want is to raise someone that grows up to be like my husband who has never learned how to express their anger properly and ends up destroying their marriage. I even touched on that once in conversation and he quickly turned the tables around and suggested that our marital problems were from the way I was raised because I had not received punishments.

 

Your X sounds violent, not like my husband although they may share similarities, mine is only covertly aggressive; similarly controlling but was not quite as paranoid about spoiling although he did want me to do the Ferber method (cry it out) which I tried part of one night in desperation but quickly ruled it out, I knew it was wrong for us.  He told me that night if I didn't do it, then I was on my own with any sleep issues and he wouldn't help me.. He'd never helped me anyway at night so there wasn't any difference on my end. But I never asked for any help at night from him or any advice, because he made it clear he would not help me because we disagreed... that was my punishment for not agreeing with him. The last thing I wanted to do anyway was leave DS with someone who thought cry-it-out was a great thing, so I was totally ok with his "consequence" of not following through with the Ferber method!  Now if he would have insisted he be the one to parent at night, I would have had a problem with that. lol

 

This was when DS well under a year old, maybe 6 months or so.. and he continued to wake up frequently at night for over 3 years (He sleeps great now! :)) So I just parented on my own at night for all those years and continue to do so even now, just as a single parent would. My husband never woke up in middle of night to help with anything, not ever from the time he was born, nor did he even wake up early to watch him in morning so I could sleep in. He basically wanted to "punish me" by sleep depriving me I think, and I was definitely sleep deprived for years. He got several days a week off from work he got to sleep in as much as he wanted and I never got any. (After the age of 3 I finally got a break when DS visit relative occasionally)

 

I think my husband is paranoid about him growing up to be a wild, rebellious teen someone "out of control" who doesn't listen or respect authority so this is where his fear is coming from and why he's trying so hard to correct now.   I think its ridiculous of course, as I was nowhere near a wild teen and was not controlled at all.  So I think theres probably a correlation and he'll probably get the thing he fears, by doing what he's doing.  

 

I'm getting a bit off track... I appreciate the latest suggestions, all very good and gave me a lot to think about.. yes it was his own toy (I enjoyed it too, and so did his cousin when he visited) but that was a good point. Not long after that, he got mad  about something else, and ripped up his lego booklet. He didn't care about it since he already knew how to build it. But I like to take care of things and like to keep the booklets and boxes nice. But at least it wasn't a real book, so I wasn't too upset to be honest but I didn't want him to think it was ok to destroy things... I then thought of a good idea (input?) and we put about 5 pieces of paper in his room for the next time he's angry he can get one or two and rip it up into as many pieces as he wants.  One did end up ripped up at some point but I can't remember if he was actually angry about something, or just playing and enjoying the mess.

 

We don't have scheduled times but we read almost every day.. One thing I found early on was when I tried to use "rewards" after he read to me, he suddenly hated reading if there was no rewards. (he's been reading since 3) He loves when I read to him, but doesn't love so much when I ask him to read to me, even if we take turns on pages. Its just not so much fun for him, he acts like its "work". A year or two ago I had a little box of prizes he could pick after each story and from that point I think I spoiled his love of reading although we still read together but I don't know if its ever been the same. I'm almost sorry I did that but I admit I'm thinking of doing it again to bring back some excitement for him. He's well advanced for his age though, he's only in K and is almost on 2nd grade readers so no worries there.

 

Ok I might try the cuddle break idea instead of sending to room.. if I remember to! I like the idea, I just don't want him to feel he has to do bad things in order to cuddle, if he ends up liking the cuddle break a little too much. I definitely don't punish him for things I think his father would. I don't even like to send him to his room but I just don't know what else to do when what he's doing is upsetting me and I want him to know it is wrong and I ask him to stop 3 or 4 times and he doesn't listen.  I'm just very grateful he actually goes (because there is no door on his room) ...although he definitely dawdles on the way!  ..And what if what he's doing is making super loud noises close to my ear and doesn't stop when I ask him to so I send him to his room, and now that changes to a cuddle?  Oh dear, will that get the noise to stop?  lol


"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
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#72 of 73 Old 12-21-2013, 03:15 PM
 
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Ok I might try the cuddle break idea instead of sending to room.. if I remember to! I like the idea, I just don't want him to feel he has to do bad things in order to cuddle, if he ends up liking the cuddle break a little too much. I definitely don't punish him for things I think his father would. I don't even like to send him to his room but I just don't know what else to do when what he's doing is upsetting me and I want him to know it is wrong and I ask him to stop 3 or 4 times and he doesn't listen.  I'm just very grateful he actually goes (because there is no door on his room) ...although he definitely dawdles on the way!  ..And what if what he's doing is making super loud noises close to my ear and doesn't stop when I ask him to so I send him to his room, and now that changes to a cuddle?  Oh dear, will that get the noise to stop?  lol

No, I don't mean do a reward instead of a punishment. That would be crazy! Just take a pre-emptive break when you think he needs one, or do cuddling regularly, not in response to good or bad behavior. 

 

Rewards and punishments are terrible. They stop you from doing what the child needs when he needs it, because you'll mess up your system. 

 

I'm sure you're doing OK, actually, and don't need people to give you advice--just to affirm that you're doing a good job. You did all the nighttime parenting! You're a trooper. 

 

You know yourself. What do you think you should do? What can we, random nice ladies on the internet, do to support you? What can your real-life friends and relatives do? 


Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#73 of 73 Old 12-21-2013, 10:36 PM
 
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I think it may help to look for what is causing the behavior rather than focusing attention on stopping it by sending your son to his room, especially if it is a daily thing. Does he need to go on a walk, play with other kids, listen to a story, ride a bike, do some art, play with different sensory materials, drink or eat, etc... Stopping a problem is only a first step in the moment that you are being driven up the wall, finding the cause is the long term solution.

It may help to focus your energy on deciding what you can change for you and your son to be happy with the assumption that your husband won't change. A counselor may be able to help you sort through that if it seems like both divorce and a home life without feeling hopeless and worried for your son are both impossible.
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