Lately I have been struggling a lot with my kids. I have a 2.5 DS, who is objectively is more difficult due to being 2, being stuck at about 90% potty-trained for months, and the fact that I am home with him all the time. But it is my 5 YO DD is causing me the most stress. She was difficult as a toddler but even at age 5 continues to hit, scream, throw things, and have tantrums and meltdowns on a daily basis. She has also started being really rude, namecalling, and pretending to shoot us when she is angry. DS is starting to mimic these behaviors. The problem seems to be a lack of respect for others and inability to express her anger appropriately. I feel like she is so unlikeable so much of the time and it crushes me to have these thoughts about a child of mine. I find myself wondering if I really have unconditional love for her, because a lot of the time I don't feel it. I don't know how to get to unconditional love. I try to hide this from the kids but I'm sure they can sense it, and I'm sure it just fuels the behavior. DS is very similar to how DD was at the same age. I am dreading when he turns 3 and moves out of the "baby" stage. When both kids are together things are really, really difficult. If I am not within arm's reach of them things get totally out of hand very quickly, and I am exhausted. It is impossible to be within arm's reach of them and still go to the bathroom, do meals, bedtime, get anything done, etc. Someone is unhappy or in conflict at least 90% of the time, I'd say. Mealtimes and bedtimes are awful. DD is in preschool until 2:45 every day, so it isn't even like I am around her all the time. DD does fine at preschool, but she does take violin (her idea) and is really rude and uncooperative with her very patient violin teacher (who actually claims she is pretty well-behaved for a 5-year-old). When it is just me and her things are much more OK, I actually often enjoy myself when it is just me and her and it's not bedtime/mealtime/grocery store, etc. Unfortunately we don't get much time together.
DH and I have taken the kids to a psychologist so we could learn how to deal with them, and she said they are normal but spirited. We have had a number of sessions and have started doing special time with the kids, but have not seen any results yet. We are continuing to see her because I don't know what else to do. I think she is going to have us do time-outs and consequences for the kids, even though I emphasized I would like to work on preventative strategies. My ideal would be gentle/positive discipline but to be honest I'm not really doing that right now because I don't know how to handle so many situations. I have done some consequences and threats (which do "work" a bit), and sometimes have even put my daughter in her room, because I do not know what else to do to keep me and my son safe. I have a lot of trouble staying calm. My DD especially infuriates me. I yell sometimes, and DH does a lot of yelling (although in general he tends to be a very permissive parent), even though we know that shouldn't be happening. We just feel stretched so thin. DS isn't STTN and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in over 5 years. I am thinking maybe even time-outs would be better than what we're doing now, but then I read how bad punishment is for kids and all the negatives of time out and I get scared that will just damage our relationship even more. I am the kind of person who feels much better when I know I'm doing the right thing, even when it's hard, and I think part of the reason I'm so upset is because I don't know what the right thing to do is with my kids. If I believe the gentle discipline books, she is acting disrespectful because her needs are not getting met and/or she is feeling disrespecting and witnessing it between me and DH, and punishing her won't help her feel any better about herself. Anyway, I have trouble implementing any discipline because there are 2 of my kids and I can only deal with one at a time... the other is off getting into trouble while I'm dealing with one.
I am regretting having kids, or at least having 2 of them. I am not the happiest, most patient person, and DH and I fight a lot. I'm sure that most of our kids' behavior problems are our fault. I feel like I made a huge mistake because I brought these beautiful, innocent people into the world and now I'm screwing them up. The fact that DH and I can't stand to be around both of them most of the time is secondary to my guilt and fear over raising kids who don't appear to be turning into respectful people. I read books and websites but get confused because there is so much contradicting advice about what to do and am so overwhelmed I'm not really sure what to do and what to work on first (including work DH and I need to do on ourselves). There is so much I can't figure out how to implement with two kids, either. Just finding some time to do "special time" with them was really difficult.
DH and I are both depressed, I think, due to struggling with this for so long now. DH works a lot and is also addicted to video games, our marriage is on the rocks. We both thought as a SAHM I would be able to do most of the chores and since DS got mobile I barely touch them, so a lot is falling on DH that he didn't expect. We have a cleaning lady and lawn service and still struggle with chores. When the kids were littler, all this was more understandable because I assumed they would just grow out of these behaviors but now that DD is 5 and she is still so difficult I am just so scared. The psychologist says she won't grow out of these behaviors unless we handle them correctly, which I assume she is going to teach us to do in our sessions. I guess I wish I could have faith that they will work and not damage my relationship with my children even more. I am trying to wrap my head around being OK with time-out and logical consequences. I have thought about going back to work and putting the kids in day care but that's really not what I want and I'm not even sure that would be the best for them. I want to have a more loving, enjoyable relationship with them and have them with me while they are small.
Didn't someone here once post (maybe not in this forum) that they couldn't stand the years between 1 and 7? I am looking for a nugget, something to hold on to that lets me know there is a chance things will be OK in the end. Something to tell myself when things get so hard, like they do so many, many times a day. The thought of screwing up my children and/or not liking them for the rest of my life just devastates me.
DH and I have taken the kids to a psychologist so we could learn how to deal with them, and she said they are normal but spirited. We have had a number of sessions and have started doing special time with the kids, but have not seen any results yet. We are continuing to see her because I don't know what else to do. I think she is going to have us do time-outs and consequences for the kids, even though I emphasized I would like to work on preventative strategies. My ideal would be gentle/positive discipline but to be honest I'm not really doing that right now because I don't know how to handle so many situations. I have done some consequences and threats (which do "work" a bit), and sometimes have even put my daughter in her room, because I do not know what else to do to keep me and my son safe. I have a lot of trouble staying calm. My DD especially infuriates me. I yell sometimes, and DH does a lot of yelling (although in general he tends to be a very permissive parent), even though we know that shouldn't be happening. We just feel stretched so thin. DS isn't STTN and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row in over 5 years. I am thinking maybe even time-outs would be better than what we're doing now, but then I read how bad punishment is for kids and all the negatives of time out and I get scared that will just damage our relationship even more. I am the kind of person who feels much better when I know I'm doing the right thing, even when it's hard, and I think part of the reason I'm so upset is because I don't know what the right thing to do is with my kids. If I believe the gentle discipline books, she is acting disrespectful because her needs are not getting met and/or she is feeling disrespecting and witnessing it between me and DH, and punishing her won't help her feel any better about herself. Anyway, I have trouble implementing any discipline because there are 2 of my kids and I can only deal with one at a time... the other is off getting into trouble while I'm dealing with one.
I am regretting having kids, or at least having 2 of them. I am not the happiest, most patient person, and DH and I fight a lot. I'm sure that most of our kids' behavior problems are our fault. I feel like I made a huge mistake because I brought these beautiful, innocent people into the world and now I'm screwing them up. The fact that DH and I can't stand to be around both of them most of the time is secondary to my guilt and fear over raising kids who don't appear to be turning into respectful people. I read books and websites but get confused because there is so much contradicting advice about what to do and am so overwhelmed I'm not really sure what to do and what to work on first (including work DH and I need to do on ourselves). There is so much I can't figure out how to implement with two kids, either. Just finding some time to do "special time" with them was really difficult.
DH and I are both depressed, I think, due to struggling with this for so long now. DH works a lot and is also addicted to video games, our marriage is on the rocks. We both thought as a SAHM I would be able to do most of the chores and since DS got mobile I barely touch them, so a lot is falling on DH that he didn't expect. We have a cleaning lady and lawn service and still struggle with chores. When the kids were littler, all this was more understandable because I assumed they would just grow out of these behaviors but now that DD is 5 and she is still so difficult I am just so scared. The psychologist says she won't grow out of these behaviors unless we handle them correctly, which I assume she is going to teach us to do in our sessions. I guess I wish I could have faith that they will work and not damage my relationship with my children even more. I am trying to wrap my head around being OK with time-out and logical consequences. I have thought about going back to work and putting the kids in day care but that's really not what I want and I'm not even sure that would be the best for them. I want to have a more loving, enjoyable relationship with them and have them with me while they are small.
Didn't someone here once post (maybe not in this forum) that they couldn't stand the years between 1 and 7? I am looking for a nugget, something to hold on to that lets me know there is a chance things will be OK in the end. Something to tell myself when things get so hard, like they do so many, many times a day. The thought of screwing up my children and/or not liking them for the rest of my life just devastates me.