my a-ha parenting moment - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 04-10-2013, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
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Someone here at mothering recently suggested the ahaparenting website and I signed up for the newsletter. I find that the more often I'm exposed to gentle solutions the better I am at (at least attempting) practicing it at home. Today's newsletter had the following paragraph:
3. Screaming
This is also known as the parental tantrum. It is never an effective tactic in enforcing your expectations, except to the degree that is scares your child into immediate compliance. When we do this in adult relationships, it erodes the relationship. When we do it with our kids, it also erodes the relationship--so kids act out even more. It also scares the child, so it adds an overlay of tangled-up feelings that the child will then end up "acting out" by misbehaving. If screaming worked, we would not have to repeat it. Screaming is a symptom that you've slipped onto the low road of parenting, into fight or flight, and you're seeing your child as the enemy. Our child is never the enemy, no matter how ugly he's acting. He's a very young human with an immature brain who is signalling that he needs our help.

It was that "parental tantrum" that caught my eye. It really resonated with me. Will I stop screaming? I think it will take awhile, but I also think that quote will really help. Hope it helps someone else too.
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Loving mama to A (8/5/2010) R (1/3/2015) and DSD (16).
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#2 of 9 Old 05-19-2013, 09:53 PM
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I love it when I have parent a ha moments........

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#3 of 9 Old 05-23-2013, 10:09 AM
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Thanks for posting the quote.

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#4 of 9 Old 05-23-2013, 12:58 PM
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Yes, thank you!  Screaming is definately the issue that I need to work on the most. 

Maria blahblah.gif, wife to A malesling.GIF, mama to DS M 8/09 2whistle.gif and DS L 6/12 biggrinbounce.gif


Everything will be ok in the end.  If it's not ok, then it's not the end - Paolo Coelho  

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#5 of 9 Old 05-24-2013, 11:58 AM
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   I do a lot of "raising my voice" or using "the daddy voice" as we used to call it when I was little. Where the parent has to alter their voice just to get the child's attention. My 4 year old son uses selective hearing- in other words he tunes my voice out as if he does not hear me or my instructions at all-lol.  Did they have any suggestions? My husband told me to bend down and get in his face so he has to see and hear me, but when I tried that he refused to look at me. They must think if they don't hear you they don't have to do what you say. I tell him I will put him in time out for not listening- but it does not seem to help much. Time out bothered him more when he was smaller. I haven't tried taking away toys yet.

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#6 of 9 Old 05-24-2013, 01:18 PM
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My 4yo son does the same thing with ignoring me, so does my 7 yo! winky.gif  I can say "Please put away your backpack" and get nothing...then if I raise my voice, and say "Hey - I told you to put away your backpack!" he starts with the temper tantrum.


Instead, what I do is stop myself after the first ignore, go up to him and make physical contact (gently, of course) while smiling patiently and explain what we need to do and why.  I smile, take him by the hand, and say something like:


 "Honey, remember we still need to put away your backpack...we can't leave it on the floor, silly, or Daddy will trip on it when he gets home!"


The key for getting my kids to listen and comply is that they don't feel threatened into it by an authority figure, and instead feel like you're addressing them person-to-person.  I have my moments of "parental tantrums", and I've been trying REALLY hard to be more patient and gentle...I've found that with consistency on my part, they respond much better and the ignoring has gotten less frequent.


In our house, time-outs are reserved for instances of kicking-screaming melt-downs or physically hurting someone, and other misbehavior we try to address with more of a love & logic style, natural consequences, etc.  Overuse of time-out seems to backfire for us, so does taking away toys, that never seems to work! LOL 


To the OP: Thanks for posting this, I will share with DH - it would be a great way to help him understand! thumb.gif

Mostly WAH mama with DS1, 9yo DS2, 6yo DD1, 4yoDD2, 9mos & my awesome DH And surprise - another bun in the oven!
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#7 of 9 Old 05-25-2013, 02:58 PM
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just had a parent tantrum today.

It was a a little while a didn't have one.

I really felt bad.

the amazing thing is how fast my son forgives me when I say I am sorry....I should learn from him!


I guess parent tantrum are unavoidable. we are human, and it will happen.

as long as it doesn't happen too often, and we ask forgiveness, then we just model what is normal human behavior when we ''loose it''.

screaming shouldn't be a discipline tool. (because it is not!).

it is just a pressure release thing that we use less as we mature, because we can handle more and more pressure. But there is always a pressure limit.

kids scream more often, they need more frequent pressure release. they have lower pressure release limit. they have less control in their lives.

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#8 of 9 Old 05-26-2013, 04:44 PM
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Oooh that's a great quote - thank you! (And for passing on the knowledge about this other newsletter...sounds just like what I need right now!)

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#9 of 9 Old 05-27-2013, 10:03 AM
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I think there's a difference between speaking in a "I mean business" tone and freaking out and starting to yell. I think it is okay to say firmly "Logan, you need to put away your backpack so nobody trips over it", or whatever, and that is different than yelling. I definitely get the "parental tantrum" thing. When I yell it is not about my daughter. She is just being a kid. It is about me. I don't do it much, but I have a lot of residual anger from childhood that I am trying to learn. 

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