I hurt my child, and I don't want to anymore. - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 09:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
Rojoferguson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 4
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I posted this attached to another thread, but I'm also making a new one. A little piece of the internet that says, "Yes, I hurt my child. It's wrong, and I don't want to anymore" because I've searched, and it is really hard to find that. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression from my less than ideal childhood, and I do not want it to be passed on to my son. He's 28 months. Early on, I was so afraid. I'd tell myself, I have to change -now- before he remembers (like I do) the bad things. I don't want him to have memories like that. I came to the realization that I was lying to myself. They don't have to remember it for it to hurt them for the rest of their lives. I'm going to change. I've realized that I feel like a failure in so many ways as a spouse and SAHM, but the house is just going to have to be dirty until I can fix my parenting first. I found Orange Rhino a couple weeks ago. It's great. But I need another site, one for not hurting. I'm very committed to the philosophy of no spanking, hitting, etc., "We are a non-violent household" ...but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, a self-help site that says, "I hurt my child, and I don't want to anymore", so I'm putting this out there. I'm too rough. Sometimes, when I do manage to stop myself from yelling, THAT'S when it can get bad. Instead of yelling out loud, I yell with my actions instead. It's like the reverse of "Use your words!". When I don't use my words, I revert to using force. Today is June 1st. Change starts today, for real. And part of that is being honest, and reaching out.

Rojoferguson is offline  
#2 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 09:52 AM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
A big heaping huge amount of love and hugs to you for making this change, for both you and your son!

joy.gif

Welcome to Mothering! We have had other moms post similar threads in the past and hopefully some will chime in and talk to you about how they made a change for the better in this way. And hopefully we can all keep up on your progress if you'll pop in regularly for support.
mamazee is offline  
#3 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 03:00 PM
 
Lazurii's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Near Portland, Oregon
Posts: 810
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

hug.gif

 

I've been there.  The childhood, the good intentions, the anxiety, the everything.  I started Zoloft two weeks ago because doing it myself wasn't working.  I've already felt a huge improvement and The Hubby agrees.  I have much more patience.  I'm glad that it seems I've found a way to change this generational family abuse.  I wish you well on your journey.


SAHM to DS BuggaBoo blahblah.gif  12/07, and DD Doozer energy.gif03/10.  Sharing life with The Hubby since 01/05.

Lazurii is offline  
#4 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 03:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
Rojoferguson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 4
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I haven't considered medication yet because I'm still nursing. I don't take cold medicine, but I do eat fast food once in awhile, and sweets all the time. Crazy how our brain works, right? I see that there are a lot of moms on here that have had similar struggles, and start taking medication. I took Zoloft back in the day, as a teenager/young adult. My anxiety and depression was so much worse then. After I got married, I felt I had a handle on it, and stopped. I do have panic attacks sometimes, but things are so much better than they were that I hadn't considered medication again. I will keep it in mind.

Thanks for sharing what's worked for you, Lazurii. It must be really nice to be able to share that feeling of "it's getting better" with your husband. 
 

Rojoferguson is offline  
#5 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 07:22 PM
 
Carson's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Chicago
Posts: 856
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi, I struggle with what you are feeling too. (((Hugs))). Though I've never touched my child, I have just lashed out verbally. Interesting that we are on opposite sides of the same issue, like if you're raised in an angry household you just learn to react with some form of anger.

I got a lot from the orange rhino site, mainly avoiding the triggers has helped immensely. After I have gotten angry, I take an honest step back and see what caused it. I'm trying too. And wish you well.

Carson, living life with my 3 boys: DH, DS Dec '09 blahblah.gif  and newbie DS Sept'12baby.gif

always two in my heartbeat.gif 

 

 

Carson is offline  
#6 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 10:02 PM
 
OrmEmbar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 424
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 13 Post(s)

I had to come to the humble realization that sometimes I just need a break.  I watched myself start to turn into my mother - trying to do it all only own and morphing into that scary mom that I never wanted to be.  Luckily, I have a couple friends and an in-law that I can call up and say "I'm about to lose it, can you come over and be with my kids (or take them with you) so I can get out for a half hour?"  

 

That first phone call and admission was really hard, but being able to take a "time out" for my own sanity while knowing my children were cared for shifted a whole lot of things.  Gave me space to figure out what my needs were and time to take other steps.

OrmEmbar is online now  
#7 of 10 Old 06-01-2013, 10:47 PM
 
Jennyanydots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've been there, too, years ago as a 21 year old mother of a two year old and a newborn. I had very little patience with DD1, and the year after her sister was born was rough. I spanked, I yelled, I lost my temper. I hurt my kid and I felt tremendous guilt all the time. It took facing it without denial and being ready to commit to personal change. I didn't talk to anyone about it or medicate, I just took a hard, honest look at myself and was appalled. So I changed. I didn't want to be the kind of mother my mother was.

I haven't always been a model parent, but I left that angry, abusive temperament in the past. It is absolutely possible, and your post sounds like you're at that turning point. Good luck and congratulations. And ((((big hugs))))!

chicken3.gif mama to two teens and two tots partners.gif madly in love with DP guitar.gif

Jennyanydots is offline  
#8 of 10 Old 06-06-2013, 11:47 AM
 
kblackstone444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 3,837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

It take a big person to be able to admit that you've done wrong and are willing to work to make it right.  You may have made mistakes in the past, but it speaks volumes that you want to change for the best for your son.  I wish you the best.


I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
kblackstone444 is offline  
#9 of 10 Old 06-28-2013, 10:35 AM
 
EllasMommy10's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 79
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good for you! And thank you for being honest. I am sure there are many mothers out there reading your words and seeing themselves, although they will never speak up. I have lost my temper too. I believe in gentle discipline with all of my heart, but all it would take is me feeling bad and exhausted (dealing with systemic candida, leaky gut, and tons of food allergies), and one little thing would just set me off. My patience is so much better now that I am healing and addressing my health problems. But every day it was a conscious effort to not be my mother. But every day it got easier. It really did. I never want my daughter to feel the way I did growing up and that has been my biggest motivator. When I feel myself getting to that point where I will yell at her or sometimes I have even swatted:(, I am conscious enough of it to mentally take a step back and put it all in perspective and see just how little and innocent and precious my 3 year old is. "Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline" has some wonderful ideas and perspectives. It helped me tremendously. If you read any book to help you, I recommend that one. I also saw a quote on Pinterest that made me cry and made me think of how I don't want to pass on my childhood to my daughter: "Before we act (against our children), it is important to ask where our emotions are coming from and what we might be placing on others that was never theirs to carry." Good luck, mama! You CAN change. It will be such a conscious thing at first and then one day you will wake up and realize you can't remember the last time you lost your temper. It is such a liberating feeling. smile.gif
EllasMommy10 is offline  
#10 of 10 Old 06-28-2013, 07:10 PM
 
McGucks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: among the wildflowers
Posts: 1,245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just checked out the Orange Rhino site...will visit that again!

Raising a very active, very passionate, and very physical child is one of the top couple hardest things I have ever done. I have an older child and do not remember ever being this tempted to yell, spank, etc. It makes me feel horrible every day, but I am committed to improving.

Thanks for starting this thread and to everyone for contributing.

 sleepytime.gif I got tired of my signature, but I still love my children and husband and miss my little brotherkid.gif

McGucks is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off