disrespect and disobedience - big time - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 08-04-2013, 01:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

you know, it's an ongoing problem in this house, with at least two kids with adhd and an adhd father.

 

DD1 (7 years) is becoming more and more disrespectful and disobedient. I just got extremely aware of it, because one of her friends came for a sleepover, and she was just SHOCKED about the way DD is talking to me. She would say things like: You cannot speak to your MOTHER like that! or You can't say THAT!

 

And she is not even like a little obedient angel.

 

I am so sad. And angry. I feel like I cannot reach my little girl anymore. She is saying things like "f*ck you" or "*shole" towards me or her siblings regularly.

 

I am wondering if it would help to cancel any activities and sleepovers and playdates to make her spend time only with me (and her siblings). Not meant as a punishment, but as a regrouping/back to family thing.

 

What do you think?

 

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#2 of 8 Old 08-04-2013, 05:01 PM
 
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If my dk talked to me like that, they would surely have no sleepovers or playdates.

 

Personally, I'm not raising my dk to be obedient, but being respectful is very important to me.
 


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#3 of 8 Old 08-05-2013, 04:42 PM
 
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I'm looking at the disrespect problem from the outside view point, and that makes me question, if the cancelling playdates etc., might rather harm the friends than improve the family relationships. My DD (5) has a two friends, whose parents had disrespect trouble with their children and tried to solve them by making DD leave from a playdate. One time I actually had to pick up DD earlier. I asked repeatedly, if DD had missbehaved, too, but the host mother assured that she hadn't. Because of the disrespect problem, it is also much harder to get a new playdate, even though the girl is DD's best friend. So practically DD was punished for something, she hadn't done. And I haven't heart that the friend's behavior got any better.
Another time, with another friend having to leave was just the threat hanging over the playdate. I was around this time, since the mother is a close friend of mine. And so I could observe how my daughter constantly reminded her playmate to be quiet. Thus, a five year old was put in a parent/discipline ensurer position for her friend at a playdate. I didn't really like that dynamic. Tow weeks later, when I asked about a playdate, that friend was actually grounded and not allowed to see anyone. I guess, the threat of kicking out friends wasn't all that effective either.
What I do, when my children call me names or try to threaten me, is mostly asking them: "Would you like, if I did that to you?" That works most of the time. When simply asking that question doesn't work that well, I tell them very clearly, that I don't like their behavior and refuse whatever they asked for. In severe cases, e.g. one time DD climbed a chair to pull my hair, I impose time-out. So far, this strategy has worked very well.
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#4 of 8 Old 08-06-2013, 04:57 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minalas View Post

I'm looking at the disrespect problem from the outside view point, and that makes me question, if the cancelling playdates etc., might rather harm the friends than improve the family relationships. My DD (5) has a two friends, whose parents had disrespect trouble with their children and tried to solve them by making DD leave from a playdate. One time I actually had to pick up DD earlier. I asked repeatedly, if DD had missbehaved, too, but the host mother assured that she hadn't. Because of the disrespect problem, it is also much harder to get a new playdate, even though the girl is DD's best friend. So practically DD was punished for something, she hadn't done. And I haven't heart that the friend's behavior got any better.
Another time, with another friend having to leave was just the threat hanging over the playdate. I was around this time, since the mother is a close friend of mine. And so I could observe how my daughter constantly reminded her playmate to be quiet. Thus, a five year old was put in a parent/discipline ensurer position for her friend at a playdate. I didn't really like that dynamic. Tow weeks later, when I asked about a playdate, that friend was actually grounded and not allowed to see anyone. I guess, the threat of kicking out friends wasn't all that effective either.
What I do, when my children call me names or try to threaten me, is mostly asking them: "Would you like, if I did that to you?" That works most of the time. When simply asking that question doesn't work that well, I tell them very clearly, that I don't like their behavior and refuse whatever they asked for. In severe cases, e.g. one time DD climbed a chair to pull my hair, I impose time-out. So far, this strategy has worked very well.

I can see that calling a parent to send a friend home in the middle of a playdate could feel like punishment to the friends.  But, I don't think I would take that into consideration for cancelling future playdates or not scheduling new ones.  If a child is having difficulty behaving or being respectful to the point where the friend is saying stuff to them about it, that could be make it hard for them to keep friendships also.  It could be a turnoff to other kids. And if they go home and tell their parents about what went on, it could turn off the other parents as well.  It might be beneficial to take a "break" from playdates and get a handle on the behavior and respect.

 

My 9yo daughter has a friend who has some issues with self-control and behavior.  The girl doesn't really have any other friends so is constantly looking for playdates with my dd.  I've seen my daughter doing the same as your daughter - having to remind her friend about being more careful with toys (she's pretty rough with them and dd usually wants to put certain things away before her friend comes to our house) and also respecting physical boundaries as the girl is a big hugger/cuddler and constantly is trying to hug or pet and not letting go quickly.  When we give her rides, my daughter reminds me to lock the window controls and make sure the child-safety locks are on the rear doors, because her friend will constantly be putting down the windows otherwise and threatening to open the doors while we're driving.  My daughter has talked to me about her friendship more than once.  She does still really like the girl and she was one of her first friends when she started kindergarten.  But, she also finds their time together to be pretty stressful and doesn't want to schedule play time with her as often as she used to because of this.

 

I'm actually on the fence about how much of this I should discuss with her mother, who is actually a friend of mine.  I know she is actually overwhelmed with her daughter's behavioral and academic issues and I don't want to make things worse.

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#5 of 8 Old 08-06-2013, 07:11 PM
 
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Trinity having ADHD - this makes things way worse. remember its not your dd who is saying those words ADHD is saying it. 

 

its a very complicated issue that i cant reply to using my experience. if that makes sense. 

 

here's a documentary on youtube for you. Living with ADHD. hopefully this will give you some more insight. 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpX7RQtw4Ac&sns=em


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#6 of 8 Old 08-07-2013, 09:00 AM
 
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As a family member of multiple people with ADHD, be careful you do not use ADHD as an excuse.  It seriously affects people, but the best solution is learning control, which your daughter will need to work on.  7 years old is hardly a time to expect perfect behavior (my brother is 27 and still has outbursts), but you and your daughter cannot let ADHD take power.  

 

Not aware of your school situation, but if you are underneath a school district, see about behavioral programs.  I believe in medication as needed, but behavioral awareness works so much better.

 

I also have to ask, what is your current response to her behavior?


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#7 of 8 Old 08-18-2013, 03:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi, 

@pt33333: Thank you for your insight of "the other side". It is a bit of an eye opener! 

We really need to work on it. Our occupational therapist says it has a lot to do with summer time and lost routines, and that it should get better soon. Otherwise we should look into medication ...

 

@backroads: I don't really know how to react. I tell her quite frankly that I don't like her behaviour, and that it hurts me, but I guess that is not really enough. I read "Transforming the difficult child" and did not really like the approach, but now I feel I don't have that many options... I always thougt that I need to find another way of teaching her behaviour control, but I don't get anywhere with this approach, so maybe it's time for a try. 

 

Meemee, thanks for the link, I'll watch it! 


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#8 of 8 Old 08-18-2013, 06:41 AM
 
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@Triniity, I'm glad I didn't offend you with my response. I was a little worried about that. My daughter is still very good friends with the girl I mentioned. She has a lot of learning issues in addition to the behavior issues. Her mom is a good friend of mine, too. She wishes she had started working on these issues earlier. (The girls are almost 10 now). Routine is a big part of their solution, too.

I see a difference in my kids, too, during the summer. The first couple weeks I thought I was being nice allowing them to sleep in real late like they wanted and giving them a couple weeks of no routine. We got back to a routine real quick after I noticed the behavior.

Good luck with everything!
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