Time-ins with raging child? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 39 Old 09-24-2013, 05:05 AM
 
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How far did you get in The Explosive Child? That's the book that worked for us.

When the tension/whining starts take a moment and ask your child what they need.
Give them a hug and try to slow things down, ask the child tell you what's wrong.

The hug, plus the focused attention usually works here. And sometimes when they talk, you do find out that they are stressed or sad about other things.

It is very hard, especially with other kids, to take that one moment in the beginning to slow things down, but I realized doing so saved us all from a 30 minute screaming jag. Try to make it your focus for a week, and see if it works?

I also really focused on the fact that my goal was to teach DD how to handle her emotions, not how to behave. That hugging and talking to her, when she was winding up into rudeness, was better parenting for her than a time out. She wasn't learning the hard work of how to control and express herself in time out.

My dd had bad tantrums from 3-6. Time outs just don't work for some personalities. I was surprized how quickly the above technique worked, and now, she is 8, and when she's upset she will just come to me for a hug, even a quick one, and she's better equipped to deal with her problem,

Food dyes and sugar are bad stuff, I'm not strict about it, but I don't buy it for home. And exercise is huge. DD is playing soccer and skateboarding and dancing now, and she's much more mellow.

Tantrums are really exhausting, so hang in there.
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#32 of 39 Old 09-24-2013, 08:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes- that preemptive prevention is great, but is so hard with a toddler in tow. Of course DS's neediest times are right when toddler DS needs milk or something. Like right this minute, dd (2) is tantruming b/c she wants me to nurse her on the couch, but if I do that, DS will rage about me leaving him alone in the room where he is getting dressed. He is afraid to be in any room alone. DD's tantrum is a bit more tolerable than DS's... For now. Sigh.
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#33 of 39 Old 09-25-2013, 02:04 AM
 
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I think you need to get some professional help. Talk to your pediatrician. Be there for his tantrums but do not allow him to use them to get his own way. He needs to learn more appropriate ways to request rather than demand what he wants. When he is not raging both parents need to sit down with him and let him know angry tantrums are not appropriate to get what he wants. Sometimes he needs to wait while you nurse the baby etc. Ask him to help you solve this problem. Have him make some suggestions about how he can learn to wait a little while. He also needs to make some reparation when he tantrums and your time is spent dealing with the tantrum rather than what you need to do. Talk to him about what he can do to make amends. eg help you fold the washing or set the table.

Have some special activities/toys he can only access when you are nursing the baby etc. PIck something he is really interested in.

take care. It is not easy.

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#34 of 39 Old 09-25-2013, 10:53 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ferbocco View Post
 

Yeah, I use to think also that we should work on tantrums BEFORE they appear, like "if you give your child a "proper" parenting, this shouldn't happen so often, right?"

 

WRONG!!

 

Kids have loooots of frustrations daily, of course the parenting type helps A LOT, by teaching how to deal with those feelings and all, but it doesn't prevent your child from having this behavior sometimes.

 

I think the main problem is that we are still thinking that "OUR" kids will be like an automatic machine that responses to what WE do, or teach. But that is wrong, they are independent beings (yes, very dependent, but I mean they are a different person), they are not our "results". We still think it is about us ("if they have this I have done something wrong", or "if they don't behave like that I have certainly done something right"), and I really think it isn't. The moment we can really detach from that thought, I think is when we can really start to helpe them without guilt, anger or pride (when they behave "exactly as I want to").

Thank you! I agree 100%. I was a Psych major in college, I had done a lot of day care, I studied Child Development and I had collected all kinds of "I'll do this and this won't happen." and "I'll never say this and then I won't have to deal with this issue with my children when I have them...." and I had my first kid and ALL that rainbow and sunshine stuff got blown out the window. Children are more than just what they "hear" or "see" and parenting is a lot more than "protecting" children from NORMAL everyday events and phrases. Unless you raise them in a bubble, and that won't guarantee you won't get a rage-er.

 

I just wanted to add to your post one of my favorite sayings, "I was a perfect parent once.... then I had kids." :rotflmao  It always seems so simple when you are on the outside, childless, and looking in and perhaps judging what other parents have "done wrong and I'd NEVER do that so my children will behave properly and be happy all the time." As your post illustrated, it just isn't reality.

 

To the OP:

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand why your 2 year old is so clingy during the tantrums, she's scared to death. Who wouldn't be? I found, with my oldest (a rage-er) that my concentrating on the little one, who wasn't tantruming even if we had to leave the immediate area to be somewhat helpful. Then giving attention when the rage-er was only being calm and rational. In other words. "You don't get attention by screaming and yelling and throwing things." It DOESN'T work the first time, it takes time, and often it takes professional help. There's more to it than that, but I'd definitely seek some professional help. I wish I had blamed diet and environment LESS and spent more time on treatment for my child who acted like this..... I wasted a lot of time on things that didn't work at all. Mileage may vary.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, Mama. :Hug I've been there, I'm still there even with diet changes, AP parenting and professional help (although the one I'm talking about is an adult and the rage subsided with therapy and medication, only to return with a vengeance when she went off the meds, quit therapy and decided to "cure" herself with a diet I can't agree with. But, I'll say no more about that except that.... the diet isn't working, and by her accounts she's 100% gluten free, dairy free, dye free, preservative free, for over 2 years but also medication free and therapy free and the rage goes on..... it sucks..., badly......)  I am sorry you are going through this, but we found only professional help along with a loving home environment was helpful. Once she left those behind, it was up for grabs.


Attachment Parenting: The radical notion that children are human. bfinfant.gif
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#35 of 39 Old 09-25-2013, 01:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MaggieLC View Post
 

Thank you! I agree 100%. I was a Psych major in college, I had done a lot of day care, I studied Child Development and I had collected all kinds of "I'll do this and this won't happen." and "I'll never say this and then I won't have to deal with this issue with my children when I have them...." and I had my first kid and ALL that rainbow and sunshine stuff got blown out the window.

 

hahaha very funny, it reminded of myself too, I am a psychologist so I know exactly what do you mean :)

 

I just wanted to add to your post one of my favorite sayings, "I was a perfect parent once.... then I had kids." :rotflmao  It always seems so simple when you are on the outside, childless, and looking in and perhaps judging what other parents have "done wrong and I'd NEVER do that so my children will behave properly and be happy all the time." As your post illustrated, it just isn't reality.

 

ohhh yes! when we have kids... all the things we thought were so sorted out, come back and bite us haha

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#36 of 39 Old 09-25-2013, 01:56 PM
 
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My son has been raging for the past twenty minutes. I had to put him outside and lock the doors for everyone's safety. When he's calm, he's welcome to come in.
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#37 of 39 Old 09-26-2013, 01:48 PM
 
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What does exactly he does when he is like that? Is it really dangerous for others? What about himself, isn't dangerous for hiim to be alone?

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#38 of 39 Old 09-26-2013, 06:04 PM
 
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Major rage. Throwing things at people, walls, doors (we have several bashed in interior doors,) hitting, punching, etc. Right now, I have a goose egg on my forehead. I had a rock thrown at the back of my head on the weekend. A few weeks ago, he threw a remote at my mouth and one of my front teeth got damaged. Yes, it can be very dangerous for both myself and DD. When DS is raging, he really needs to be away from us but he won't do it voluntarily. He doesn't ever do anything to himself or with other people. So, yes, it is better for him to be outside and away from DD and I. For his protection, as well as ours.

75% of the time, DS is a gentle, and happy, kid. When his rages are over, they're over. For him, it's like they never happened. I wish I could say the same for DD and I. I love him more than anything, but I'm so scared for him.
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#39 of 39 Old 09-27-2013, 04:23 AM
 
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Dear mom, it is really  hard when they go into that state... I have a 4 1/2 year old who is giving us some of those moments too....  It started mostly when I've got pregnant (few times before that she had some tiny tantrum), and since we have moved two times that also didn't help because she found herself in a situation of so many changes, no control over them, and lots of feelings to deal with (fear, anger, frustration, sadness).

 

So what we have been trying at home are these things:

 

1. Put in context: not focusing just on the apparent motive of the rage (ran out of favorite cookies, etc), but trying to see the big picture and find out what is really going on. For example, this week one morning before going to school she had a major tantrum apparently because she couldn't zip her coat. I think with small kids, until 2 or so, that by itself can be a reason for tantrum (with other feelings they have been going trough the day), but when they are a bit older usually it is because of something else. After almost half an hour of yelling and throwing things, she calmed down and we both realized the real reason was that she had asked me to play with her for a moment before breakfast, and as we were going to start that her 1 year old sister woke up and I had to go get her. Right after that was the coat thing, but it was really about not being able to be with me alone for a while.

 

2. Safety: we NEVER let her throw things or hurt people (or herself). She doesn't like being held (when she was little yes, she felt contained by hugging but now she really doesn't like to be touched when in the middle of a tantrum), so I let her move as long as she doesn't break things or hurt people. When she starts that, I hold her tight, talk softly but firmly that I cannot let her break things or hurt people. She really doesn't like it but I really don't give her an option, when she is so violent. Than in a few seconds I tell her I will let her go, but if she repeats the same behavior I will hold her again. So this repeats lots of times, holding and letting go, until she slows down a bit and then she really asks for a hug or more proximity. But the clear message is that it is ok to fell those things, and I will be there with her, but It is not ok to hurt things or people. Every time she keeps on raging and breaking things, but every time I stop her.

 

I remember a very dear friend, which works with kids, told us about the importance of not being afraid of our children, and not giving them the power to hurt us. She told us a situation very similar to yours, kid got really mad and parents would hide in the bathroom until it stopped. But the kid felt really alone, and more angry, and worst of all: he felt "I am really a total monster, even my parents have to hide away so I don't hurt them". So he had no hope of ever controlling himself because their parents couldn't do it also, and he was very afraid of himself too, because he saw the fear reaction in the family.

 

3. Give her a way out. Sometimes she is finishing her tantrum but she doesn't know quite well how to stop it. Sometimes she asks for a glass of water, sometimes she asks for a massage, but sometimes she is like waiting for a way out. In that moment I use some distraction, like "well, I think the storm has passed", or something to make her laugh. After a few laughs, when I fell she is back to her normal and prepared to talk, I put in words what I think happened "you wanted to play with me and in that moment your sister woke up, I imagine you felt very angry about that", or something like that, so she starts learning how to put into words too. Than I say that I will not let her hurt anyone, just the same way I don't let anyone hurt her,  and that is way I hold her in some moments.

 

Well, that is the way we are trying to deal with it and I must say she has been changing recently, she keeps having tantrums but immediately after she can put into words herself sometimes what is really bothering her, or she asks for help to deal with it another way (she can kick a pillow, or draw something, or something like that).

 

Usually my 1 year old is with us the whole time, which is a problem because it increases the jealousy of the older one, and the little one gets scared of the screaming and throwing things. But since I don't have another option, I try to talk to both of them in the end, telling each other what happened, like "I know you are scared with all this noise, your sister was upset because of something and she is learning how to deal with it, we will help her", and to the big one " your little sister gets scared when she sees you like that, maybe we can try to release our anger in another way?", so they both listen how we see the tantrum from the outside and that it can be gradually changed.

 

 I think it is very important that the house is a safe place for everyone to be, and you really have to protect yourself, other kids, and the raging kid himself, otherwise I imagine his feelings of abandon and rage will increase....

 

Hope we all can see our kids as happy as they can be!

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