I don't know what to do. I keep trying, yet nothing works. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 11-13-2013, 12:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really do not know where to start. I resent myself, resent my daughter yet my heart bleeds for her, resent everything. I am tired. I am totally spent. I have tried and tried and tried to make things better, but it just never works.

 

I try to show love and empathy to my kids and to myself. I have read a lot about how to listen to children and talk to them, connect and all that. I try to be patient even when I am so stressed. When I lose it, I try to explain that no one's perfect and I am sorry, but I do not always have the energy or headspace to say sorry and to comfort. I am a person and life doesn't stop! There is always so much to do. I resent myself for not being patient enough and I resent one of my kids for sulking about every little thing.

 

If she doesn't complete her homework, it is my fault. No matter how understanding and supportive I am, if I yell at her once, I hear her crying quietly in bed. I am weary of it. I have no more energy to deal with this. She complains and complains and complains and I keep blaming myself.

 

I blame myself because I fell into depression 4years ago and she suffered the most. I feel suicidal all the time, but I cannot bear to follow through, because I do not want her feeling she wasn't worth living for or thinking it is her fault. I am struggling so much and I know, but I am trying too. When she sulks or lashes out, I blame myself because my depression affected her self-esteem terribly.

 

The problem now is I do not see a way out. I'd need to be perfect/good enough for a long time before she begins to feel secure again and her self-esteem can be healthy again, but I am too unhappy still and too easily affected by her sadness. One sulky face from her and everything comes back up-guilt and then fear and then anger. I feel her sadness comes from her insecurity due to my depression. I cannot separate it. It may sound simple or silly, but I really cannot.

 

I have been in therapy for several months now, but still stuck. I am tired.

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#2 of 12 Old 11-13-2013, 12:48 PM
 
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It sounds as though the two of you are feeding off each others' moods.  She's blaming herself, you are blaming yourself.  So hard to even know where to begin.

 

I don't know that I have advice.  I do know that, for you, don't think that because you lose it once that you have to start from scratch.  At some point, you have to accept what is in the realm of normal, and stop dwelling on blaming yourself.  (Then you blame yourself and feel guilty about that too..... ack!....where to begin!)

 

I'm not sure how the homework is fitting into this, but it can be so hard to have the kids gone all day, then have to be the homework police when you finally have time together.  I'm sure that doesn't help.

 

Anyway, hugs, mama.  I'm afraid I didn't say anything that you might not have heard already.


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#3 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 05:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, Sweetsilver. I really appreciate you taking the time to say something to me. Your words helped, believe it or not, because you empathised with my situation. It helped to hear someone else understand what it is like. Thank you so much. What you said about feedng off each other's moods is so true.

 

I don't feel much optimism yet, because it has been back and forth for 4years now, but I do see that I need a reminder: something to help me remember that I do not always have to start from scratch whenever I make a mistake and to remember to be the big person. I bought myself a little handband/bracelet to be my reminder for now. However long this works for, it is a step for now. I cannot give up on her. She deserves better.

 

Thank you for helping.

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#4 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 07:16 AM
 
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Hi Sarah, 

I have a very high energy little lady in my house as well. She is cute and funny and loveable and - INTENSE. 

She needs so much of me, so much attention and love and is always afraid of not getting it. For example, if one of her siblings hurts themselves, she starts crying, because she is afraid of me not having enough "me" for everybody. 

 

It is exhausting. It really is. 

I do believe that you are an incredible Mom, not just "giving up" on her, but looking for ways how to deal with it, giving her what she needs. That is so great. 

 

I have read "Transforming the difficult child" and the techniques really helped. It is about discipline, but the first couple of chapters are more about how to get the positive energy in this energy black holes :) And it really help tremedously. 

 

Send you lots of energy. It is so important that you keep your energy depots up! 

 

Love!


Trin with DH , DD(7) dust.gif and DS(5) jumpers.gif,  DD(2) energy.gifdog2.gifbelly.gif(due 5/14)

I am not regularly online at the moment due to the above ...

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#5 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 01:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you, Trinity. I am quite amazed - not trying to be condescending at all- at the insight you both have. I'd spoken to a couple of people here about this and they just say, "it is fine". It is but it isn't. It is hard, very hard for me. I also see now that the isolation isn't helping at all- new country, new school, new everything. I feel sorry for my children. I wish I had moved and settled before having them.

 

My daughter used to do that too, but I could never understand why or rather, I thought it was her level of empathy. She'd cry when someone else gets hurt. Now she can be quite mean and would either laugh at them or ask them what the big deal is.

 

I have looked at the book you mentioned on Amazon and I think I am going to get myself a copy and hide it, because the title will get me a sulky face again lol because she will know I'm reading it because of her, but I never want her to think she is difficult- I have to admit that I have told her this before. Not proud of it at all.

 

Bracelet helped today. Whenever I felt anger rising, I tried very hard to look at it or say, 'bracelet, bracelet' in my head. Forced me to take time of and to remember my goal. I don't feel any positivity yet or stronger, but this will have to do for now, until I get a break for/from myself.

 

I really appreciate the support from you two. Thank you.

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#6 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 01:19 PM
 
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I've never done this, but I'm intrigued by the idea.  I read once about a mom placing a shared diary on her daughter's bed as a way of starting a conversation.  She was able to write in her calm moments, and she placed the book on the bed.  Her daughter would write her thoughts and responses in it and left it for her mother, who was able to read and respond without being reactionary and overly emotional.  It allowed them to have this conversation alone and away from the emotionally charged atmosphere that sparked whenever they spoke together face to face.  I'd love to do this with my own daughter, though I'm not sure how useful it would be.  

 

But I liked the idea, so I thought I'd share.


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#7 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've never done this, but I'm intrigued by the idea.  I read once about a mom placing a shared diary on her daughter's bed as a way of starting a conversation.  She was able to write in her calm moments, and she placed the book on the bed.  Her daughter would write her thoughts and responses in it and left it for her mother, who was able to read and respond without being reactionary and overly emotional.  It allowed them to have this conversation alone and away from the emotionally charged atmosphere that sparked whenever they spoke together face to face.  I'd love to do this with my own daughter, though I'm not sure how useful it would be.  

 

But I liked the idea, so I thought I'd share.


Sounds really good to me. I will definitely like to try it. I have two 'diaries' where I write to both kids already, but they do not know about them yet. I just thought I'd give them their diaries when they are older or leaving home or something, but this sounds even better. I like it, because sometimes, I judge and try to fix her when she talks to me. I want her to know that she is loved and that I am trying to be a better mum, but now finally, I see that I need fixing first as a person before I can be a better mum. I project way too much with her in particular, so this sounds good.

 

Thank you for sharing it.

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#8 of 12 Old 11-14-2013, 08:44 PM
 
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I have a very willful and sometimes difficult child, too. Something that I continually remind myself of is that he will not be this way forever... someday he will be an adult, and if I've done my job correctly, he'll be a wise and happy adult. The other day my son said "I'm annoying!" because he heard me say that once in a moment of frustration and I felt like crying. It's a hard road. But if we love, love above all else, everything will be alright. If we hold them close and they know how much we truly value them, that goes a long way. I've noticed that my reactions to him vary so much on my own mood. If I'm taking care of myself, taking time to myself, feel like I have something else going on other than "motherhood" I'm so much more thoughtful and relaxed with him. If at all possible, mama, take some self care moments when you can. And know that you're not alone. 


Jean, feminist mama raising three boys: W (7), E (5) and L (2.15.13)

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#9 of 12 Old 11-15-2013, 10:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for sharing too.

 

I have had a difficult day today. I haven't yelled at her or anything like that. I just feel so stuck and unhappy. I have a therapy 'assessment' thing coming up in a few days. I hope that I am able to get some relevant support with that soon.

 

I am reading your words and trying to remember them as the days pass and they are helping. Today has just been one of those days where I get so low, but cannot say that talking here hasn't helped.

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#10 of 12 Old 01-08-2014, 02:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to come on here and say thank you again to everyone, especially to those who took time to reach out to me. It really helped me, more than I can explain. Thank you so much and Happy New Year to you.

 

:blowkiss

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#11 of 12 Old 01-16-2014, 12:30 PM
 
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How are things going for you, OP?
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#12 of 12 Old 01-26-2014, 12:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How are things going for you, OP?


Hi!

 

I'm doing better and daughter is too. Thank you for your help. I hope you all are great too.

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