Child behaves differently for different parents? Help! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 01-09-2014, 06:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey I'd love some advice/ideas/your experiences as they relate. We have two daighters... 2.5trs and 2.5 months. We've been using consistently as "time in" type approach to correcting behavior/attitude once we got past the redirect phase. We'll sit our daughter in a chair/somewhere quiet and talk with her about what she was doing/what we expect/what's going on with her/ect. And for me it has worked beautifully. She'll get it, apologize as appropriate or calm down enough to use her words to tell me what's upsetting her, and we'll move on with life. And I've noticed that hunger or tiredness usually triggered crazy behavior. And now with baby sister it's occasionally a need for attention although she's getting good at saying "will u play with me?" "Can u put Julie down?" Ect.

My husband had been doing the same but doesn't always get the same results. Often she'll get more upset and lately will lash out as she gets more upset by kicking/hitting/biting. There had been one or two times a long time ago that Molly tried that with me and I would give her space to flail and reassure her/ask her to take a deep breath and calm down then discussed being kind/not hitting/ect. And she doesn't do that for me anymore. Ever. BUT patience is not my husbands strong point, plus he has a bit of the I'm the daddy don't question me mentality Abd so her fit fires him up. And he'll be harsh with her or put up his hands in defeat and walk away. In the past week though he's decided that when shes lashing out and hitting at him in her upset state that it clearly warrants a spanking. For blatant defiance is what he says. He did spank her last Sunday at church (in the family bathroom) during such a fit but when I'm around he tends to get mad at me for not allowing him the freedom to parent her the way she needs it.

advice? Has anyone experienced a child acting differently for dad than mom? Is it a phase? Is it related to personality of us parents? How would you approach differing philosophies on discipline? I'm not anti-spanking completely but I do think these situations he wants (and has) spangled in are better handled with love and compassion helping her work through her big emotions. Thank you!!
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#2 of 6 Old 01-11-2014, 09:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#3 of 6 Old 01-12-2014, 06:33 AM
 
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My kids always behaved differently for dh and me. Which is a good thing, if you know how to use it to your advantage. For example both dk stopped napping around 2 for me, they always wanted to play or nurse when I tried to put them down for their nap. But they would always nap for dh.

 

I would suggest that you do some reading to clarify your position on spanking. My favourite book is "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso. She basically says that we need to cherish kids for what they are, not for how they behave, that they don't need to perform in a certain way to be worthy of love. Also, that we need to adjust our expectations according to their age, and to strive to give our kids the gift of inner discipline.

 

Your 2.5 year old behaves like a toddler. Your dh doesn't behave like an adult though.

 

If it were me, I would make sure dh is NOT to hit her. Then I would let them resolve their differences. I'm sure your dh will find a way of handling his daughter (which doesn't involve violence) which might not be the same as yours.


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#4 of 6 Old 01-12-2014, 09:27 AM
 
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My ex was too wishy washy and wordy with dd and he'd get frustrated when it didn't work then talk about wanting to spank. We agreed that I'd take over when he was frustrated. Changing time in to time out if she attempts violence may also work better for him and it is gentler than spanking. When she lashes out physically I think it is a good idea to let her have the space she clearly wants and talking when she is calm.
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#5 of 6 Old 01-12-2014, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all for the tips and ideas. Transylvania _mom I like your perspective about different being good! That's helpful for me to keep in mind Abd I agree we both bring different things to the table so to speak. Thanks for the book recommendation I'll look into it.
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#6 of 6 Old 01-16-2014, 12:26 PM
 
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Do you both have the same expectations of behavior? I'm wondering if you're les bothered by behaviors that bother your husband. Does he have reasonable age appropriate expectations?
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