We were posting at the same time so I didn't see this...
Originally Posted by captain optimism
But to me, this is basically the same thing is worrying that you are rewarding bad behavior if you give a kid a hug to end a tantrum.
I think it really depends on intent. I have definitely done things that on the outside seemed "wrong" or insensitive but they were things that I felt my kid needed in the moment. Both of my kids, for instance, went through a phase where they needed to cry for a release. Sometimes they would "use me" to get there. They would ask for increasingly more ridiculous things until I eventually said "no", at which point they would let go and cry. In a situation like this, I am giving my child what they need - and are really telling me in the best way they can what they need.
When my younger child puts her mouth on me - she is telling me that she needs some strong physical interaction. She doesn't need to bite but she needs some nice snuggles and 100% attention. I don't need to tell her not to bite but I DO need to hear what she is asking for.
When she asks for the third time to go to the kitchen -- I don't need to tell her that she's bored. (I think that's too complex for her anyway). I need to find something more interesting for her to do.
If Tadasmar is saying that we need to address our kid's reasons for their actions over using our words to repeat what has undoubtedly been said many times already, I totally agree - this is a good suggestion for a kid who has been told time and again about something but still has trouble.
I have no doubt that there are kids who really thrive on lots of discussion. I think my kids were more physical. I haven't looked at your link yet but I will. My kids both have STRONG verbal skills and we talk all day but in terms of direction, being physical (showing, moving, doing with) was always the stronger message for them.
*When verbal instruction worked well (and this resonates with something Tadismar was saying) is in the evenings. I do sometimes revisit challenges (and positive things!) in the night before bed - free from emotion and stress.
Off to read the rest of the thread... and back much later today.