how would you handle this? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 7Likes
 
Thread Tools
Old 07-06-2014, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 807
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
how would you handle this?

My son and I are in an elevator with his best friend and his best friend's mom after a long day. My son is very tired and has already acted out a few times today. He is four years old.

My son tries to hold hands with his best friend and is rebuked. The friend does not want to hold hands. So then my son hits his friend.

What would you do?
marsupial-mom is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 07-06-2014, 06:53 PM
 
Asiago's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,804
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
I would pick your son up and hug him, his friend just really hurt his feelings (unintentionally). Then I would explain that you understand his sadness and anger but we don't hit others and it can cause injury.
For what it's worth, my heart broke when my son has tried to hold hands, four years old also, or hug his friends and was cast off. That sweetness and innocence is really special and it's hard to watch that happen.
Don't worry there will be another play date, things will go better.
Asiago is online now  
Old 07-07-2014, 03:01 AM
 
katelove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,894
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 32 Post(s)
I agree with Asiago, although I generally respond in a shocked tone first: "Oh, DD! Hitting is not ok!" I would probably also ask him if there was anything he wanted to say to his friend (ie "sorry"). I usually ask my DD if she wants me to say sorry for her in that case, and she always says yes. So then I say "DD isn't ready to say sorry yet but I'm very sorry she hit you. Are you ok?"
katelove is online now  
Old 07-07-2014, 08:23 AM
 
One_Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4,668
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 35 Post(s)
I would see if the friend was ok and point out how sad he'd made his friend by hitting. If hitting is normal for him I'd remember to include the topic of friends no wanting to be. touched in play next time we are playing together and I'd have a small talk about what to do instead next time at a better time. I'd also pick him up and keep him out of reach of his friend so he doesn't lash out again and we'd get a snack and water before going home asap since he's obviously not coping well with company and shopping.
One_Girl is offline  
Old 07-09-2014, 06:38 AM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,677
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 121 Post(s)
Yep, I would probably go the super shocked and concerned route (especially if this is unusual behavior). I think I would make a pretty big deal of it - not in a shame/blame way but in a "Oh, my goodness, you must be VERY tired/stressed/hurt if you hit your friend." I would hold my DC and ask the other parent to check in on her child. I would let my DC hear and see us checking in on the friend too but, again, not in a shame/blame way but in a group checking in that everyone is ok from this big challenging thing that happened.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
Old 07-09-2014, 05:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
marsupial-mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 807
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)
OK well that all sounds good. That's basically what I did. I pulled him to me and held his hands so he couldn't hit again. I knelt down and said something like "No, we don't hit. Would you like to say you're sorry?" to which he said "no" and so I apologized for him and asked his friend if it hurt. Then I rephrased it, "when you hit your friend that hurt your friend." Later in the car I asked why he hit and that's when I learned he tried to hold hands with his friend (I hadn't seen it earlier) which made sense because my son is very easily angered when he's rejected. I just asked here because I don't always trust my instincts. Other parents rarely react the way I do and that makes me wonder if I'm doing it "right."
marsupial-mom is offline  
Old 07-14-2014, 06:48 AM
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 383
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 128 Post(s)
You say he is easily angered when he is rejected. So I assume it's a ongoing pattern. If it were me, and if it had been going on more than a week or two, I would assume what I have been doing to address it is not working (and might even be counter-productive) and I would change what I was doing. I the specific instance in the elevator, I would get between the kids. I might say nothing to my kid, or, at most, I would say "no hitting". I would not act shocked or get emotional toward my kid. I might express some concern toward the other kid.

Good that you asked about the incident later and got some clarification about what was going on. I might ask him if he can think of some alternatives to hitting in that situation.
tadamsmar is offline  
Old 07-16-2014, 11:50 AM
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 615
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 68 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by tadamsmar View Post
I might ask him if he can think of some alternatives to hitting in that situation.
^ Yes. Also perhaps helping him to discern among types of rejection. Such as when you ask him to join you at the dining table, help with chores, (etc) and he rejects you. That the friend can reject certain behavior at certain times and it doesn't mean rejection of him.

Something I did with my daughter was to help her "turn around" her experiences so that she could value them as learning experiences. I would often use anecdotes such as "Once I was shopping and I saw someone push my cart aside when I was down the aisle looking for oranges! At first I thought 'Hey, don't mess with my cart' but then I realized I was blocking the whole aisle!" (Laughing) "Thank goodness I saw him, because from now on I know I will be more careful of leaving my cart all around the place so I don't cause a real traffic jam!" Or "so-and-so snapped at me last time we were together, but I think we were both tired and I was asking too many questions. Next time I plan to have a shorter visit and spend more time listening."

This helped her know that she wasn't alone in her behavior and that it was just a natural process to receive feedback and adjust behavior accordingly.
pumabearclan is offline  
Old 09-24-2014, 02:13 AM
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 28
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by marsupial-mom View Post
My son and I are in an elevator with his best friend and his best friend's mom after a long day. My son is very tired and has already acted out a few times today. He is four years old.

My son tries to hold hands with his best friend and is rebuked. The friend does not want to hold hands. So then my son hits his friend.

What would you do?
After I apologized for my son, I'd get into parenting classes ASAP or see a therapist to help me CORRECT my very inadequate parenting which has FAILED to socialize my son better.
jr37 is offline  
Old 09-24-2014, 05:46 AM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,677
Mentioned: 6 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 121 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jr37 View Post
After I apologized for my son, I'd get into parenting classes ASAP or see a therapist to help me CORRECT my very inadequate parenting which has FAILED to socialize my son better.
Hum...

Of course you are entitled to your opinion but I don't think the OP's child sounds like an inadequately socialized child (if there even is such a thing at such a young age). In addition to having read a lot of parenting books, I also spend a lot of time with a huge variety of kids of this age. Lashing out physically is developmental and not a sign that a child's parent needs therapy. Rather, it is a sign that this child probably needs a tweek in daily routines and supports and some increased supervision.

I can offer you some child development links if you'd like.

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
Old 09-25-2014, 08:15 AM
 
MeltCandy88's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
This is achallenging situation and there are a lot of good suggestions here. One more thing, today I read about a nice idea to use a hoola hoop to illustrate your LO the notion of a personal space.
MeltCandy88 is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off