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Old 09-11-2014, 06:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Not the right time

My DD, 5, goes off with my in-laws (they live about 7 miles away) on Thursdays from 9-3, Fridays for a sleepover and she usually stays till Saturdays around 3, and then Tuesdays 1-4. This has been our routine for about a year.

This morning they had to take her a little early because of some appointments. I wake up DD early so we won't be rushing to get her out the door, and we cuddle, read books, talk, eat breakfast, all very sweet.

Then when it's time to get in the car she clings to me and says she doesn't want to go.

"I go on Fridays and I don't want to go on Thursdays. It's too close."

I've been reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... and so I mentally thrash around wildly for the skills that would help me here.

"It sounds like you're sad to leave right now. You want to stay and play with your friends. Do you maybe also want to spend time with your grandparents?"

"No. I just want to stay here. I'm not going." Clings harder.

Well, I acknowledged she was sad...but what can I really say? She's going with her grandparents. I know that, they know that. We're all just waiting for her to get in the car.

Oh yeah, the fantasy thing.

"I wish you could stay here and go with them at the same time. I wish I could make more than one of you so one could stay with me all day, one could go to school, one could go with Grandma, and one could play. Would that be cool?"

"Maybe."

"Should I make more than one of me? Then I could go to work, hang out with you, spend time with Papa..."

"Yeah. But I'm not going."

And so, because they have to leave, I give up, open the car door, and uncling my daughter as gently as I can, and buckle her in.

And of course she's screaming and I'm cursing myself and judging myself for not being quicker on my feet and understanding how I could have diffused the situation so she left feeling loved and taken care of instead of shoved off and unheard.

Then, sad and upset, I do about the worst thing I could, and go inside and turn my inward bad feelings on my husband, complaining that I don't feel like he's taking any part in attempting to help learn skills and tools to help us in these kinds of situations. I do want him to be reading this book and doing the exercises with me and talking about it, but what I really want this moment is some comfort, some acknowledgement of me own feelings and how this was a hard send-off, and now I'm having a terrible time getting what I want on top of everything.

Clearly I can't be an effective dispenser of good comfort and feelings acknowledgement if I'm not able to ask for it and receive it myself. So now there's me judging myself all over the place about how things are my fault and judging myself for not letting go of the judgment and just accepting that I'm doing my best.

And underneath it all - I'd really like some sound perspective about what to do when it's the moment to do something else and you don't have the TIME to give your child to talk it out. Obviously I cannot be the first person to go through this.

HALP AND THANKS
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Old 09-11-2014, 10:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Erlaine View Post
Clearly I can't be an effective dispenser of good comfort and feelings acknowledgement if I'm not able to ask for it and receive it myself. So now there's me judging myself all over the place about how things are my fault and judging myself for not letting go of the judgment and just accepting that I'm doing my best.

And underneath it all - I'd really like some sound perspective about what to do when it's the moment to do something else and you don't have the TIME to give your child to talk it out. Obviously I cannot be the first person to go through this.
Oh honey. I so identify with your self-awareness here, with trying to want not to try to be perfect...

Sometimes you have to say no to your child, and it sucks. You acknowledged her feelings, but you can't make her not have them. In fact it's good that she didn't shut herself down to please you. You want to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, not talk so kids will shut up and just do what you want no matter what! Sometimes that might mean dealing with her feelings.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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Old 09-14-2014, 11:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Erlaine View Post
My DD, 5, goes off with my in-laws (they live about 7 miles away) on Thursdays from 9-3, Fridays for a sleepover and she usually stays till Saturdays around 3, and then Tuesdays 1-4. This has been our routine for about a year.

This morning they had to take her a little early because of some appointments. I wake up DD early so we won't be rushing to get her out the door, and we cuddle, read books, talk, eat breakfast, all very sweet.

Then when it's time to get in the car she clings to me and says she doesn't want to go.

"I go on Fridays and I don't want to go on Thursdays. It's too close."

I've been reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... and so I mentally thrash around wildly for the skills that would help me here.

"It sounds like you're sad to leave right now. You want to stay and play with your friends. Do you maybe also want to spend time with your grandparents?"

"No. I just want to stay here. I'm not going." Clings harder.

Well, I acknowledged she was sad...but what can I really say? She's going with her grandparents. I know that, they know that. We're all just waiting for her to get in the car.

Oh yeah, the fantasy thing.

"I wish you could stay here and go with them at the same time. I wish I could make more than one of you so one could stay with me all day, one could go to school, one could go with Grandma, and one could play. Would that be cool?"

"Maybe."

"Should I make more than one of me? Then I could go to work, hang out with you, spend time with Papa..."

"Yeah. But I'm not going."

And so, because they have to leave, I give up, open the car door, and uncling my daughter as gently as I can, and buckle her in.

And of course she's screaming and I'm cursing myself and judging myself for not being quicker on my feet and understanding how I could have diffused the situation so she left feeling loved and taken care of instead of shoved off and unheard.

Then, sad and upset, I do about the worst thing I could, and go inside and turn my inward bad feelings on my husband, complaining that I don't feel like he's taking any part in attempting to help learn skills and tools to help us in these kinds of situations. I do want him to be reading this book and doing the exercises with me and talking about it, but what I really want this moment is some comfort, some acknowledgement of me own feelings and how this was a hard send-off, and now I'm having a terrible time getting what I want on top of everything.

Clearly I can't be an effective dispenser of good comfort and feelings acknowledgement if I'm not able to ask for it and receive it myself. So now there's me judging myself all over the place about how things are my fault and judging myself for not letting go of the judgment and just accepting that I'm doing my best.

And underneath it all - I'd really like some sound perspective about what to do when it's the moment to do something else and you don't have the TIME to give your child to talk it out. Obviously I cannot be the first person to go through this.

HALP AND THANKS
I think you can be honest with her - sometimes there isn't time to discuss feelings and you can't always make things instantly palatable no matter what you say. The fact that you're trying will have a lasting impression on her even if she's sad in the moment about going to grandparents.

I would say something like "DD, I can see that you're sad about going over to grandparents. Right now I have to go to work (or whatever), but later tonight let's talk about how we can make things better for you." One time my DD freaked out about going to her grandparents, and it turned out she was afraid of a rocking chair they had. They put it away and everything was fine. (She was younger than your DD at the time, but maybe there is something simple that could be changed to make her happier.)

-Ecstatic mommy to amazing DD, 2/07 :
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Old 09-24-2014, 02:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Erlaine View Post
My DD, 5, goes off with my in-laws (they live about 7 miles away) on Thursdays from 9-3, Fridays for a sleepover and she usually stays till Saturdays around 3, and then Tuesdays 1-4. This has been our routine for about a year.

This morning they had to take her a little early because of some appointments. I wake up DD early so we won't be rushing to get her out the door, and we cuddle, read books, talk, eat breakfast, all very sweet.

Then when it's time to get in the car she clings to me and says she doesn't want to go.

"I go on Fridays and I don't want to go on Thursdays. It's too close."

I've been reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... and so I mentally thrash around wildly for the skills that would help me here.

"It sounds like you're sad to leave right now. You want to stay and play with your friends. Do you maybe also want to spend time with your grandparents?"

"No. I just want to stay here. I'm not going." Clings harder.

Well, I acknowledged she was sad...but what can I really say? She's going with her grandparents. I know that, they know that. We're all just waiting for her to get in the car.

Oh yeah, the fantasy thing.

"I wish you could stay here and go with them at the same time. I wish I could make more than one of you so one could stay with me all day, one could go to school, one could go with Grandma, and one could play. Would that be cool?"

"Maybe."

"Should I make more than one of me? Then I could go to work, hang out with you, spend time with Papa..."

"Yeah. But I'm not going."

And so, because they have to leave, I give up, open the car door, and uncling my daughter as gently as I can, and buckle her in.

And of course she's screaming and I'm cursing myself and judging myself for not being quicker on my feet and understanding how I could have diffused the situation so she left feeling loved and taken care of instead of shoved off and unheard.

Then, sad and upset, I do about the worst thing I could, and go inside and turn my inward bad feelings on my husband, complaining that I don't feel like he's taking any part in attempting to help learn skills and tools to help us in these kinds of situations. I do want him to be reading this book and doing the exercises with me and talking about it, but what I really want this moment is some comfort, some acknowledgement of me own feelings and how this was a hard send-off, and now I'm having a terrible time getting what I want on top of everything.

Clearly I can't be an effective dispenser of good comfort and feelings acknowledgement if I'm not able to ask for it and receive it myself. So now there's me judging myself all over the place about how things are my fault and judging myself for not letting go of the judgment and just accepting that I'm doing my best.

And underneath it all - I'd really like some sound perspective about what to do when it's the moment to do something else and you don't have the TIME to give your child to talk it out. Obviously I cannot be the first person to go through this.

HALP AND THANKS
IMO, you have two very significant issues there, no, 3 issues.
The first one is that you are trying out new skills with your child and it takes a while to get the hang of them.
Next is the unsatisfactory relationship with your DH which may require some counseling to unravel.
Last but not least is that you are NEEDY [but what I really want this moment is some comfort, some acknowledgement of me own feelings and how this was a hard send-off, and now I'm having a terrible time getting what I want on top of everything] and you may need to work on building up your own self esteem and self respect so you will not be so unhappy when things don't work out or you husband does not back you up.
Once you repair your own self esteem and boost your self worth, it will be easier to naturally put the new skills you are learning into place and ask your husband for the things you want in the marriage or in any other situation where you want to express your needs and desires. It has to come from good self respect and confidence!
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Old 09-29-2014, 01:49 AM
 
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good,you want in the marriage or in any other situation where you want to express your needs and desires. It has to come from good self respect and confidence!

Last edited by meguessdo; 09-29-2014 at 01:49 AM.
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