it's official.. Gentle Discipline is not possible with my child :( - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 12:05 PM
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Not mine. The book's. But I like your version.

I've spent way too much time on this thread today! But I am avoiding the MIL. So you all understand, right? This is so much more interesting! And less painful.
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#122 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 02:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Dragonfly
Not for me either. For those who would use it, though, the thing I'd change in that scenario is to eliminate the word "but." People - especially children - generally hear "yes, but" phrases as no.... it's not validating, IMO; it's dismissive. "Yes, I hear you, but what you want doesn't really matter." Ever since taking a mediation class (which was pretty much all about communicating with others), I've tried mightily to eliminate "yes, but" phrases from my vocabulary. On the occasions when I've slipped, I can see ds physically turn off to our communication when it comes out of my mouth. Interesting.
I agree with this and it's something I have to watch a LOT. Things just come out of my mouth and I stop and say, "Why did Mamma say that? That was wrong, what Mamma should have said is _____." or "Hmmm... No. I shouldn't have said it that way. Mamma needs to think of a better way to say it, huh."
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#123 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 02:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Fianna
Now, if anyone has any great suggestions for the most appropriate way to deal with a 5-yr-old who has just started kindergarten and who comes home after a long day and has had so much stimulation that she is hyper, argumentative, and prone to strong mood swings? This is a brand new area for us and I want to handle it the best way I can. I wasn't very good about it yesterday and had to do some apologizing for my short temper. I asked her to come up with some ideas to help her decompress in the afternoons and we will write some of them down this afternoon when I pick her up from school. But if anyone has BTDT and has some great suggestions, I'm all ears!
Sorry to get T but I had to respond to this. I was this child growing up. School just tweaked me all out and when i got home I was grumpy and defiant. And by defiant I mean, my care giver or parent would offer me a snack or a treat and I would snap at them or throw a fit. What I remember liking after school, was walking home or to a sitter's house, and then being alone for a bit. IMPOSSIBLE at a sitter's house, but a little easier for an only child at home. The walk home would help me space out and still be moving my body, and then I could just mess around with toys or books or art stuff or whatever when I was by myself. I would space out to the TV at the sitter's but at home I wasn't allowed, so I had to do better stuff.

I don't presume to give advice from any other experience than my own on this one, but maybe it can help. I dunno. Incidenatlly, early in high school I chose to take independant studies, (for reasons other than getting worked up at school) and I really enjoyed it. I don't know if it's related to my elementary school issues, but in any case, I'm better at self teaching and learning I think. Of course I absolutely loved college. Okay, now I'm getting so far off topic I'm actually ashamed.
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#124 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 02:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by veganmamma
I don't presume to give advice from any other experience than my own on this one, but maybe it can help.
LMB, sorry I hijacked your thread!

VM, that was actually my suggestion to Julia this morning. I told her that maybe coming home and chilling out with a PBS or Animal Planet show for a little while would make her feel better. Or if she just wanted some quiet time to play by herself, I would make sure to keep her little sister occupied for awhile. I was that same way too as a child, so I totally understand being just undone after a long day. Plus for the first time in her life she is having to navigate complicated social situations ("I'm afraid my best friend might like her other friends better than me!" and "The boy at my table ripped my picture but I didn't want to tell my teacher."). I'm exhausted just thinking about her day, so I really want home to be her haven. But I can't have her coming home every day and reducing her sister to tears over and over. I'm sure we'll work it out, though. Thanks for the suggestions!
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#125 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 02:59 PM
 
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Fianna~ have you asked your dd what she thinks will help her chill out? Maybe she has some ideas too.
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#126 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by veganmamma
Fianna~ have you asked your dd what she thinks will help her chill out? Maybe she has some ideas too.
Yes, last night as we lay in bed and talked I did ask her to think about what would help her to relax after a long school day. Of course her first suggestion was to get an ice cream cone after school everyday! Smart kid!
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#127 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:05 PM
 
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Oh, and I also told her that I would try REALLY hard not to pummel her with questions about her day as soon as I picked her up. As much as I am dying to hear about what happened as school, I don't want her to feel pressured to talk about it, so our new agreement is that she can talk about her day anytime she wants and I'll listen. Otherwise when we sit down for dinner or when we are lying in bed at night relaxing I can ask specific questions, but again if she doesn't want to talk about it, she can say so. I'll really try hard to honor this agreement, unless I see some weird changes in her behavior that make me think something has happened at school that she needs to tell me about.Then I may pry a bit more. This will really be a test of my will power!
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#128 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:27 PM
 
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This thread is great! I haven't read it all, but I like that there are some different perspectives presented. My dd is 23 months old, and has been just this week starteding to have several major tantrums in a day, and I am working on how to handle her in general and with the tanrums. I have my own anger issues to complicate things, but until today I held up pretty good. This thread's a keeper - I'm getting dh to print it off so I can go through it and highlight stuff.
Here's one touchy thing: temper tantrums when I say "no more milkies, mommy's sore" and take her off the breast. I really feel this is unfair to her, but as my milk all but dried up, I can't nurse her as much as she wants/needs, and I feel so bad about this. I hug and cuddle her, but I know what she really wants, and I think it may be seriously damaging that I am holding out on something so precious for her. Sorry if this is a hijack...
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#129 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:36 PM
 
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Wow! What a thread! I think you have gotten some great ideas. I have just a few things to add:

On the hair issue, I agree w/Darshani that a shorter style is probably the way to go for now. My hair tangled easily when I was young, but I liked the way it looked long, and so did my father. I didn't resist having it combed out, but I was very sensitive about the discomfort and would make a big fuss, and it took a LONG time EVERY day. One morning, my mom was combing my hair, and I was wailing and carrying on, when suddenly she walked out of the room. A few minutes later (I'm sure she had paused to collect herself and not shriek at me!) she came back and set the Sears catalog in front of me, open to the little girls' section. She said firmly, "Find a picture of a girl who has hair NO LONGER THAN HER CHIN that looks the way you would like your hair to look. After preschool today, I am going to give you a new haircut." While I was at school, she called my dad at work so he wouldn't be devastated by the change. We took Before and After photos and saved my long hair in a special box. While one could argue that my mom "forced" me to change my haircut, I didn't FEEL forced; I felt that I had been suddenly presented w/the exciting opportunity to choose a whole new look for myself! Maybe you can do something like this for Valentina.

On the food issue, I'd make sure there's always one food on the table that you know she will eat, and not stress over what or how much she eats. It will balance out. For ice cream, explain that she can have a small bowl now and another small bowl later, or a large bowl now and no more until tomorrow. (This will be more effective if you actually have different sizes of bowls, rather than putting different amounts in the same size bowl.) If you and her dad stick to the same rule yourselves, that will help a lot.

Keep a blank tape in the VCR. If she needs your attention while your show is on, hit Record and turn off the screen. Don't get mad at her for having feelings at inconvenient times--just watch the show later. Ah, technology!

Something that MIGHT help during tantrums is to supply lots of words that express what she's feeling: "You feel furious! You feel horrible! You are at the end of your rope!" Some kids really go for this--esp. if you learn some funny-sounding synonyms from a thesaurus --and start using the words themselves, maybe even instead of screaming and kicking.

Good luck!

Mama to a boy EnviroKid treehugger.gif 9 years old and a new little girl EnviroBaby baby.gif!

I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more. computergeek2.gif

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#130 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:37 PM
 
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Fianna, would you consider your daughter an introvert? From what you are describing, she sounds like one. If that's the case, she probably really does need to just be left alone to recharge after school. It sounds like you are negotiating ways to do that with her already, which is great. I think you're right in resisting your urge to pelt her with questions about her day right when you pick her up. Personally, I'd consider giving her some space from her sister after she got home to be reasonable as well.

I'm a pretty strong introvert, and after hours of being in social situations I can get downright desperate for everyone to stop talking to me and go away. It sounds like you are doing a great job of recognizing and honoring her needs.
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#131 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:38 PM
 
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OK, so, I was in the bathroom reading one of the many parenting books I have strewn around in there - :LOL yes, I do most of my parenting research in the bathroom and happened to open the book (Playful Parenting) to the following page. I felt the guidance of some unseen cosmic hand, lol and thought you all might enjoy reading the following:

*ahem*

What is the family's usual reaction or response to the tantrum? Most families have a habit of either caving in to tantrums or of never budging an inch, not wanting to reward what they see as negative behavior. Ironically, both of these responses generally lead to children having more tantrums instead of ending them.

In the first instance - that of caving in - the problem may not be the tantrum but our habit of saying no because it is more convenient. And when children start to whine and fuss, we suddenly find it more convenient to say yes. The lesson to the child here is that our no doesn't mean much, and the result is more tantrums, because she believes she can get her way. e firm and don't cave in if your no was well thought out and you still stand by it, and try not to say no if you aren't willing to stand by it just because of a tantrum.

On the other hand, tantrums may help us realize that we don't have a very good reason for saying no. But we may feel stuck; we don't want to give in to the tantrum. We need to be willing to change our minds if our no was unreasonable. Our children can tell the difference between caving in to their screaming versus reconsidering our position based on thinking about it some more. If we never budge once we've made a pronouncement, we aren't really being consistent. We're just refusing to consider points of view that differ from our own, refusing to acknowledge that we were wrong or hasty in our decision. Those are hardly the behaviors we want to model for our children.

*end*

Cool, eh? As to the "she took it from me" kind of tantrum, that I have no advice for. I SUCK at mediating toddler disputes. The one thing I have in my toolbox for these situations is telling them we'll take turns. I say, "It's Max's turn now, you can have a turn in a minute." Then in a minute I say "Ok Max, it's Cole's turn now." Usually the toy will be handed over with no resistance. For some reason toddlers take well to the idea of "turns". (It's important to tell the kid who is waiting that it will be their turn in a minute.) If the toy is not handed over, I will admit I *gently* pry it from the kid's hands and give it to the other one. This is probably not the best way to handle it but it works OK. I should add, I only use this method if distraction doesn't work first (i.e. finding another toy for one of the kids to play with.) I should also add I learned this method from a IRL friend who uses it with her 2 kids, I didn't think of it myself!
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#132 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:48 PM
 
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On the other hand, tantrums may help us realize that we don't have a very good reason for saying no. But we may feel stuck; we don't want to give in to the tantrum. We need to be willing to change our minds if our no was unreasonable. Our children can tell the difference between caving in to their screaming versus reconsidering our position based on thinking about it some more. If we never budge once we've made a pronouncement, we aren't really being consistent. We're just refusing to consider points of view that differ from our own, refusing to acknowledge that we were wrong or hasty in our decision. Those are hardly the behaviors we want to model for our children.

*end*



This is great! Exactly what I think, but so nicely put! Yay for bathroom breaks!
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#133 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 03:53 PM
 
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famousmockngbrd, isn't that an awesome book?! Thanks for finding that quote.

Sylith, Julia is definitely an introvert, as am I. Actually Julia was diagnosed with selective mutism at age 3. She only talked to me, dh, and my mom for the first 3/5 yrs of her life. She started talking to my dad and sister, both of whom she sees weekly, at around her 4th birthday. So to say she is shy is a vast understatement. So going to school is a huge issue for her. But she loves it, thank goodness! Dh and I were actually letting her go on a "we'll see" basis, meaning if she reverted back to being a mute and was miserable for more than a week, we would seriously have considered pulling her out and homeschooling her. We are so proud of her for talking at school and making friends.
Thanks for the compliments!
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#134 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
***Here's how I would handle it if I were you or your DD were mine. I'd simply say, "You have two choices: You can go outside looking nice, or you can stay home. You choose." Then I'd let her choose.
To me that is not a choice at all. It is very thinly veiled punishment. I agree with (was is veganmamma) who said it is a choice between doing something and not, and losing love for it. A choice would be, why don't you choose what to wear out of these outfits (or, even better, just let them choose what to wear. Having you kid look "nice" is almost always all about the paren't need to appear a certain way to others, and very rarely about the kid.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
**The other thing I would say is offer her a choice. Either you allow me to brush your hair or you stay home. You choose.
Again, this is not a choice at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
**Either you pick up your things from the floor, or I will put them away at the top of the closet for one day. You choose.
Nope not a choice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
**Either you eat what is served to you or you will be hungry. You choose.
again, not a choice.

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Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire
*****The other thing you can do is offer her a choice of WHEN to do something. Do you want to pick up your toys first, or do you want to clear the table first? (Either choice should be acceptable to you). Do you want to lay out your clothes for tomorrow or go to bed?
These do seem to be real choices.

I think a kid can tell the difference.
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#135 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Fianna
famousmockngbrd, isn't that an awesome book?! Thanks for finding that quote.
OK, went to Amazon. There are two. which is it:

Playful Parenting: Turning the Dilemma of Discipline into Fun and Games by Denise Chapman Weston, Mark S. Weston http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846

or

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...books&n=507846
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#136 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:25 PM
 
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It's the one by Lawrence J. Cohen. I haven't read the other one.
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#137 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:27 PM
 
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It's the one by Lawrence J. Cohen. I haven't read the other one.
thanks
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#138 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:29 PM
 
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Sure - BTW I totally agree with what you said about real choices vs. non-choices.
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#139 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by ParisMaman
What's with the hair thing? Why do they need to wear it up?

Sincerely curious.

Really.

Truly.

Honestly.

UM, when they eat and get food in their hair and it sticks to their face and they try to get it off and they cry because it hurts....When it is hot out and they get sweaty and sticky and uncomfortable.......When their bangs are long and you want to keep it out of their eyes because it bugs the crap out of them, but if you come at them with scissors they totally go off the deepend and freak out.

That is what is with the hair thing. Honestly.

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#140 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 04:52 PM
 
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Ah bummer I don't have time to read everything right now and get caught up!

But I'd like to respond to some follow up questions the OP posed.

Punishment and/or bribes - don't use them here.

Tantrums - a few things. I have 3 children of various ages and we've been through it all. Including one child with breath-holding syndrome (very frightening...they become very upset and pass out and it is not something they can control) I am all for being as proactive as possible in regards to tantrums. I think it's best to try to avoid these situations. Usually this can be done by checking a few things and trying to stay as aware as possible. Hungry/thirsty, tired, overstimulated are the first things I try to think about. Are they overly frustrated? Having a difficult time communicating, etc? Have I been eating well, giving enough attention? Or have I been stressed and/or busy? Children are very good at absorbing their environment. When a tantrum occurs deal with it the best way possible. If the child does not want you to hug them or whatever then there are lots of other very good suggestions that have been offered up. I do think it's important to then take a look at what was going on before and around the tantrum though....hopefully then it may be possible to not repeat the same process.

One of my children had major tantrum problems due to allergies. She had horrible problems with food allergies and environmental allergies. It was also a situation where things would build. So maybe this tree blooming wouldn't be too terrible for her but that paired with the pollution count rising would send her over the edge.

I agree that it's very important to validate ones feelings. It's also very important to remember that we are all human and make mistakes. I think it's really important to let our children see this and for us to be willing to let them know that we made a mistake. Part of our wanting children to be responsible and take responsibility for their actions is that we want them to be able to say - I messed up. They learn to do this by watching others.

Modeling the behavior you wish from others is the best way to have them learn. If you do not want your child to eat junk...then don't be eating junk. If you do not think TV is a good idea then don't be watching it. It's as simple as that. I don't expect things from my children that I wouldn't do. Children learn from what they see...and it's what they see over and over again.
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#141 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 06:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by embens
UM, when they eat and get food in their hair and it sticks to their face and they try to get it off and they cry because it hurts....When it is hot out and they get sweaty and sticky and uncomfortable.......When their bangs are long and you want to keep it out of their eyes because it bugs the crap out of them, but if you come at them with scissors they totally go off the deepend and freak out.

That is what is with the hair thing. Honestly.
Don't forget ParisMaman in also a mom. She even has a dd. Of course many folks here have osns with long hair, as would I if I had a son. My point is, obviously she hasn't had the experience you have with her own child. Possibly because she wiped her child's face before the hair stuck on, or her dd didn't get bothered by hot sweatiness or for whatever reason. I just think your post was kinda snarky to someone who also has a child but doesn't see why hair is made into an issue when it obviously wasn't in their household.
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#142 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 09:18 PM
 
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Yes, I have a dd with hair in her face all the time. And we live in a tropical climate--so pretty sweaty here. Her face; her hair. Whatever. Just a good excuse to stroke her beautiful face and tuck those stubborn stray clumps behind her ear

VM--that is the second time (that I noticed) in this thread that you mentioned you would not cut a son's hair. Now I am curious...could I ask why? Thank you!
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#143 of 260 Old 08-05-2004, 11:50 PM
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On that quotation about the ice cream. The full quotation was something like "Ice cream would taste so good to you right now, but..."

I agree that the but doesn't need to be there. Just want to give what the full sentence looked like.

Hair issue: can't the hair be put up in a loose ponytail? Like no combing it into a perfect one? I guess I'm thinking of certain people I've seen that literally spend at least 30 minutes making the perfect ponytail with 3000 barettes and all these frou-frou thingies.

And, yes, my dd has long hair that currently has honey and some other gook in it. And I sent her to Russian camp that way this morning.

Embens I am sorry if you took my "honestly" as insincere. It was sincere. You made some good points.
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#144 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 02:28 PM
 
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Because DP is still working on some sexism issues and it would drive him bloody insane! :LOL
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#145 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 05:20 PM
 
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you should give dd a buzz cut!
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#146 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 05:47 PM
 
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HI I haven't read everything so forgive me if I repeat. I wanted to comment on the screaming until she gets what she wants. I have never allowed screaming and tantrums to flap my resolve. Seriously I do not care how loud my child is in the store. As a general rule people have been supportive and helped me get my stuffout to my car while I toted my screaming toddler. She wants something and she is entitled to want it. She is mad that she didn't get it and she entitlted to that. But what she is not entitled to is havingher every little whim fulfilled. We do not buy candy at the store unless it is on our list (an occaisionally it is) and no amount of screaming of cryidng is going to change that. Also for something where I might have answered yes or changed my mind in thepresence of a compelling reason the minute the argue, pout, whine or display rudeness my answer is a firmly rooted no. My children do not think I am a meanie. It has never crossed thier mind. I can take my children into a toy store to explore without having to worry about tantrums when we leave empoty handed because for the last 8 years I have never once given in. they don't bother anymore. They each recieve a few dollars and can spend it however they choose within reason (no ciggarettes or porn but everything else I am open to). it has really helped when the begging starts because all I need to say is "did you bring your money?" They know we ware on a tight budget and if I need a cop out for something my usual line is "we can't afford that" . Consistantly sticky with your first answer (whatever it was) will reduce the whining and tantrums. Same with threats. If you say "If you do xxx you will recieve yyyyyy" follow through. gaurd your tounge and don't say it unless you mean it. iT is fine to decide some battles aren't worth fighting but don't be tempted to engage unless you are willing to follow through. Pick one or two things, work onthem be consistant and once those are handled move on.

hair - we have a brush it or cut it policy. Also we use special tangle spray and lots of conditioner. It is the knots my children hate, not so much a time thing. My oldest chooses to keep hers very short. It kills me but it is her hair and her choice. My second chooses to keep her long and occaisionally needs to see the scissors come out before she decided it worth it to brush it. I for one will not allow y children to walk around looking neglected and unkept. I know it is a little hting but being tidy in appearance is a big deal to me because i was neglected as a child and I hated never looking like someone cared. So my children have to be neat when we go out. If they choose to have short hair that is thier business.

food - LET IT GO! My children are served meals. If they choose to eat them great. if they don't they may put them in the fridge. They are not allowed to eat after bedtime and if they leave iton the table it gets thrownin the garbage. Sometimes, often the don't eat super but they usually have a very good breakfast and luch and sometimes a snack. They are not ndernurished, under fed or underweight. I am not a short order cook and they do not live off of one or two foods. It all works out in the end.

everything else youjust have to decide if it is important and why. what behavior are your truely seeking to change. It is an outward annoying sort of thing or an inward attitude that needs a nudge in the right direction? Once you have established that then you can decide what to do about it. Never make any descision in the heat of the moment. it doesn't work. When you have aplan you can responmd calmly and matter of factly.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#147 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 05:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by veganmamma
Because DP is still working on some sexism issues and it would drive him bloody insane! :LOL

That's all? I thought I maybe something cultural or religious. But that is a good enough reason for me! :LOL
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#148 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 06:32 PM
 
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Gosh, how did I miss this fantastic thread?! I"m only halfway through reading it, but have to get going, so wanted to just give my "props" to the wonderful ladies here in the GD forum!!!


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The best way to teach good eating habits is by modeling good eating behavior. When I realized my dd wanted to eat french fries, I stopped ordering them for myself. When I realized my dd wanted to eat ice cream for breakfast, I quit eating it for breakfast. When I realized she was wondering what the heck a soda was and why people were always drinking them, I stopped drinking them myself.



Quote:
The issue here is that you are dealing with the things that you have created. You have taught your daughter to do these things. It's not about GD, it's not about your daughters personality, it's about what you have taught her to do....GD is not about a child doing whatever he/she wants, whenever they want, and however they want. It's about loving your child enough to guide them in a gentle manner. It's about loving them enough to parent them.
I don't know where you came from, lady (I'm guessing the diapering board?) but I have just LOVED reading your posts here. Excellent, excellent advice!


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one thing bugs me: letting them scream and not giving in to what they want is cio. HULLOOOOO...? aren't there other ways to reason with your child?
I can sympathize with and comfort my DD during a tantrum without giving her the thing she is tantruming over. So I don't think of it as mean or neglectful. I don't know how others treat screaming/crying but it's something that evokes sympathy and empathy from me. I know how hard it is to not get something we really want (don't we all, whether it's a promotion or an ice cream for breakfast?) and I try to be comforting to DD and validate her feelings. That's the "gentle" part. The "discipline" part is sticking to the decision that caused her to tantrum in the first place.

As said so well by so many others...

Quote:
are they crying because they are sad or frustrated or angry? Well, again, give them what they need - in this case, hugs, understanding, a soft shoulder. Don't give them the candy bar they are screaming for, but do give them sympathy for the feelings they are experiencing.
Quote:
I think a false dichotomy has been set up. The choices are not "Give in to screaming" or "Ignore screaming child completely." Responding to a tantrum does not have to mean giving the child the exact thing he or she wanted.

More words of wisdom:

Quote:
The problem is that you have gotten into an ADVERSARIAL relationship with your child...You try to threaten and control her and she tries to threaten and control you. No surprises there--modeling really works!...So STOP. Just stop. It takes TWO people to engage in a power struggle. If you step out of it, the struggle ends.
I so TOTALLY agree with this. I was a "strong willed child" and I can very well remember the feelings of power struggle that raged within me when my power was taken away from me in situations that were unfair, illogical, or unreasonable to me. It turned me into a child obsessed with independence until the day I moved out of the house. I swore I would not start that with my DD. I know she has it in her to be like I was as a child, but when you don't start the struggle and you are always consistent, there isn't one.


Quote:
The thing is, most kids who have a rich environment and aren't seeking to binge on TV, won't watch it all day--at least not for long.
I loved this part of your post b/c I struggle with the TV being on alot and worrying that this is bad for DD. But she is so active at home, so many things she plays with and works on while looking up from time to time at the show. And she never gets upset if we have to go out and she needs to turn the TV off...that reassures me that we haven't created an addict.


Quote:
So we worked with DS - when he wanted something we would put it on a list (yes, I carried it around with me and would actually write it down) Just this step alone helped termendously! I couldn't believe it - just validating his desire helped him remain calm about not getting the item.
This is so cool, graceoc...and I too have found, and it still surprises me, lol...that when I simply validate what DD wants things go so much better. So when she is whining that she wants to play on the computer and I have to say no because the computer is busy doing something DH-work related...instead of just saying "no" I mirror what she is asking for. I say "you want to play on the computer" and she nods, and then I say "we can't play on the computer right now" and explain why. amazingly, it really seems to help alot when she knows that at least she was heard and acknowledged.


Quote:
what do you think I should do when Valentina is screaming and crying and if I approach her, she will try kicking me? I would love to find a more gentle alternative than screaming back "please stop" and hugs will NOT WORK. I have tried comforting her DURING a tantrum, but it only makes it worse.
Talk gently to her and tell her that you are sorry she is so upset, that you are going to give her some room but you will be right there when she needs you, then stay close by but go about your business, keep an eye on her, and as soon as she is open to it, comfort her and talk about her FEELINGS. This has NOTHING to do with whatever it was she tantrumed about, and it will help her identify her feelings, understand them, process them, recognize them as valid (important for self-esteem), and then eventually you can help her find more appropriate ways to express those emotions (though I think most children just grow out of it as they become more sophisticated in their communication skills.

teapot2.GIF Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)  ribbonjigsaw.gif blogging.jpg homeschool.gif

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#149 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 08:21 PM
 
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I guess I don't considerit CIO. Tantrums are something children in an effort to convince someone to give them what they want. Or they do it out of frustration which I understand and sypathize with, I occaisionally throw a tantrum out of frustration or they are just trying to embarrass you into getting them what they want (they learn fast - don't think that every tantrum is just an outpouring of unbridaled emotion. many are just an attempt to get the parent to give in. This is obvious when yoiu give in and the tantrum ends suddenly and everything is good again. ) An aware parent will be able to dissern why the child is craying/throwing a fit and be able to go from there. I handle those emotions the same way I handle all others that weren't brought on by trying to get what they want.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#150 of 260 Old 08-06-2004, 08:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Piglet68

I don't know where you came from, lady (I'm guessing the diapering board?) but I have just LOVED reading your posts here. Excellent, excellent advice!
OT -

Awww thanks 16+ years of parenting with Mothering Magazine helps a bit But yah I started over at the Diapering Board when I was desperately seeking some new cds and then sortof wandered around since. It took me awhile to figure out how to do the sub thing. I would post on things and then totally forget about following up later! And I STILL forget to do it.

I really appreciate your saying this though. I enjoy reading your posts
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