What do you do when they don't want to eat their dinner? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 267 Old 01-06-2005, 10:26 PM
 
UnschoolnMa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Trying to release my cows..Join Me!
Posts: 14,840
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I do nothing. My children are free to eat or not eat what and whenever they want. (Well, aside from poisonous or dangerous things of course. At their ages now that is not a concern lol) If I make something they don't want to eat they do not have to eat it. When they were young I just tried to make something they wished to eat, or I would offer them an easy alternative (cereal, yogurt, fruit, crackers, sandwich, etc) I absolutely do not understand people who refuse their children a choice in what to eat. Every single person (adult) I know likes to have that option and I will never be able to understand why people do not extend that same freedom to their children.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
peace.gif  Embrace the learning that is happening within the things that are actually happening!    
UnschoolnMa is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#62 of 267 Old 01-06-2005, 10:47 PM
 
Britishmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 4,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Something I am always mindful of is that it is probably wrong to give ourselves much, if any, credit - or blame - for whether our children are adventurous eaters or not.

For example, a good friend of mine has two sons, two years apart. Both were raised with the same diet, the same parenting attitude towards meals and food (not an extreme parenting attitude in any way at all, either). One always was, and still at age 20 is, extremely adventurous, will try just about anything. The other always was fussy, and is only just, at 18, overcoming this. But it is not an issue for either of them, because their parents never made it an issue.

Whether they eat adventurously or not had nothing to do with the parenting . The fact, however, that they both have a healthy attitude to food has a great deal to do with the parenting.

So, we should not, imo, get sidetracked by believing that our child turned out the way he did because of what we did - in terms of what they eat. Their attitude, however, towards food as an object for power or for comfort or control, is in our hands.

JMO.

But having witnessed this, I have endeavoured to make food an absolute non-issue in our home. I offer healthy foods. I discuss what I am going to cook with my children, even my two year old. They give input. I don't worry if they eat pasta every day. (They asked for macn'cheese for their Christmas dinner, but I did serve it up on nice dishes, for a treat :LOL ) I keep cooked pasta in the fridge and will happily mix it with a little cheese in the microwave and be what Americans call a 'short order cook' if that's what they want to eat. I don't bother to put food in front of them that I know they don't want. They tell me what they fancy for most meals, and I tell them what I fancy. We make decisions together. Our diet can be repetitive - but dh and I are also happy to live on pasta - we just vary the sauces a little more than the kids.

Food is just no biggie in our house.

Edited to add that when I think about it, one of the things that most excited me about leaving home was having control over what I ate and when. Wow, what freedom! Nobody to insist that I liked things that I didnt like, or to control me through food. I don't want my children to have to leave home to feel that sort of freedom and autonomy.
Britishmum is offline  
#63 of 267 Old 01-06-2005, 10:57 PM
 
farmer mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: within my harvest
Posts: 1,386
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can see both sides, but I am unclear on what is the major difference is between children having a choice from the 5 things on the table (one of which is something the child always enjoys) and having a choice from the 10 items (may be more, but I know I don't have more than 10 snack items around) in the fridge. It seems like the child still has the power of choice in both situations, although I can see how the child has a broader range of choices if they can get whatever is in the house. In my home we always have oatmeal made when we wake up (thanks to my lovely dh), then my kids usually request what they want for their second breakfast, then they help themselves to whatever snacks they want (fruit and vegs, nut butters, etc), I usually put lunch on the table and they graze, they eat more snacks of their choice, and for dinner we all sit down, say a blessing, and the kids eat from what is on the table, however much or little they choose. If they aren't hungry I put it in the fridge for them to pick at later. It has never been a battle; it has never even come up because this is the way it has always been. They have always had several things on the table that they like so it has never occured to them to ask to have something else. We are truely on a limited budget so I can buy all this %100 organic, free range food, and it truely is a budget issue for me to make something else, because that something else would be coming out of their snack food for the week. About the kids only eating potatoes and tomatoes one day, salmon the next, and salad and a roll on the third; I have always been told to look at nutrition over the week, so it seems like the child is doing just fine.
farmer mama is offline  
#64 of 267 Old 01-06-2005, 11:03 PM
 
mountain mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Great White eh?
Posts: 3,158
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Great Post Farmer Mama. Thats how it is at our house too. We eat 100% organic as well and therefore on a very strict budget. I simply cannot open the fridge to dd. If I did she would eat all the goatcheese first and then the almond butter second :LOL

But if I plan and have choices for her beyond the most immediate she thrives due to variety. I do say that I offer choices not whatever she wants. We just cannot afford that. :LOL
mountain mom is offline  
#65 of 267 Old 01-06-2005, 11:07 PM
 
Bearsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 4,628
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We have issues with this in our house. I used to marvel at people who would tell me that all their kids ate was macncheese or pizza or plain pasta with butter. Now, I completely get it.

DS is almost 3. He does not like most things that I prepare. He really likes mac and cheese. I usually end up making him this if I know he won't eat my stir fry or soup or whatever. I'm a bit happier knowing that he ate something, rather than nothing. Even if it's mac. I try to introduce new things, but he's really in a no experimenting phase. If I don't feel like making him something separate, I'll give him a yogurt or cottage cheese and fruit.

It's a dilemma, it really is.
Bearsmama is offline  
#66 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 12:22 AM
 
FullCream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 72
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to support maya on this.

DD is involved in meal planning. We talk about what we'd like to eat during the week before I do the grocery shopping. I plan meals based on what the whole family likes (and respect true dislikes. A prime example here is that DH iis pathologically afraid of bananas, so I never serve ANYTHING with bananas iin it as part of a family meal) and there are always SOME things in each meal that I know DD enjoys. She gets to choose what she'll eat from each meal (I usually serve at least three vegies, a carb and some protein in each meal. She may choose to eat only two of the vegies and the protein, or the carb and one of the vegies etc).

We always have fruit available (and crackers and dip and usually homemade muffins etc we also make smoothies and frozen yoghurt bars and sandwiches of different kinds for snacks). Breakfast is hard because DH and I eat cereal and we've yet to find a cereal that DD likes (she often has crackers and cheese or ham, occasionally a muffin, sometimes fruit crumble with yoghurt - but it would be so much easier if she'd eat cereal :LOL ). Lunch varies, but there's always some level of choice. If she hasn't eaten much lunch, she eats a bigger snack or dinner. It's not really a big deal. She's certainly not going hungry.

DD cooks with me quite often. We talk about what kinds of foods our bodies need. We eat meals together almost without exception (including DS). I'll do the same with DS (in fact he loves to stand on a step while I'm cooking and eat little bits of whatever I'm preparing ). DD had a few dislikes but wasn't at all fussy until after she started school. It frustrates me that she will no longer eat anything with spinach in it when I know that she actually LIKES the taste (the power of suggestion is strong!), but I still cook things with spinach. She can choose to eat them or not.

DD is tall, healthy, active and slim. Some days she eats like a horse. Other days she's just not that hungry. Over a week she eats a wide variety of foods. She's less picky than any of her classmates. And apparently she tells her friends that I'm a great cook .

We'll see how this approach works with DS. At the moment he'll eat almost anything - including books :LOL - and is especially fond of all kinds of fruit (the only one he's not liked is papaya). Oh, and he LOVES cheese. He eats the same as we're eating unless it's highly spicy or contains nuts or other possibly allergenic foods.
FullCream is offline  
#67 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 12:40 AM
 
PuppyFluffer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 9,029
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I never thought this topic would stretch 4 pages long!

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
PuppyFluffer is offline  
#68 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 01:07 AM
Dar
 
Dar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 11,249
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by maya43
Have you read Ellyn Satter's research? It show by having foods on the table that form one's choices one becomes over time more accepting (and actually develop a taste for) many foods that one would not, if one felt one could always hide behind grabbing some known 'safe" food. Even if that food is healthy, it does not allow for developing a taste for many foods.
But you've said there's always something in each meal that each kid likes - isn't that a "safe" food?

I see it as a control thing, too. If you've chosen a protein, a starch, and a veggie, and your child doesn't like the protein, how does adding a jar of peanut butter and some crackers change the equation, except to ensure that your child has a way to get some protein? If you have the type of child who tends towards low blood sugar meltdowns, not providing a source of protein your child will eat is pretty self-defeating...

As far as Ellyn Satter, on her webpage there's no research at all about how her philosophies work with real children. She's a dietician with opinions about how other people should do things, a self-proclaimed "expert". There are lots of "experts" out there telling us how to parent. I think Mothering.Commers are especially unlikely to do things on the advice of a so-called "expert" - they like to do their own thinking!

Dar

 
fambedsingle1.gifSingle mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler earth.gif


  

Dar is offline  
#69 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 01:07 AM
 
maya44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama
Being told that you cannot have anything other than what is served is just not respectful of a child.

we will just have to agree to disagree.
maya44 is offline  
#70 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 01:46 AM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 6,852
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 19 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar
But you've said there's always something in each meal that each kid likes - isn't that a "safe" food?...

As far as Ellyn Satter, on her webpage there's no research at all about how her philosophies work with real children. She's a dietician with opinions about how other people should do things, a self-proclaimed "expert". There are lots of "experts" out there telling us how to parent. I think Mothering.Commers are especially unlikely to do things on the advice of a so-called "expert" - they like to do their own thinking!
The last time this came up I went to the Satter website and downloaded out some of her pamphlets. She doesn't seem to me in those pamphlets to say that you shouldn't provide a safe food, just that you shouldn't cook a separate meal. So Maya is actually following what she says.

I think one thing that the folks who are saying "no separate dinner" and the ones who are saying "give them what they ask for" have in common is, we all think that you should not fight children over what they eat. Whether you provide only one meal and say, "eat what you want of this" or you say, "Okay honey, I have more stuff in the kitchen for you to make a sandwich" --you aren't freaking out about whether your child eats the dinner you planned.

If you have a fridge and containers and can chill the food to stop it from going bad, it won't go to waste. Someone in your family will eat it.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is online now  
#71 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 02:52 AM
 
farmer mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: within my harvest
Posts: 1,386
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a great post captain. I completely agree that it seems like the consensus is that food should not be a battleground and that kids need to have control and choices in what and how much they eat. I think that letting them have that autonomy can be achived by letting them choose whatever they want that is in the house (which is great that it works for you) or by choosing from what is put out for them. All of the moms with the eat from what is on the table camp seem to be respectful, gentle mamas, and are making meals that the kids have input into or things that they know the child enjoys. No one is forcing anyone to eat or letting them starve. We are still allowing our kids to have control over their meals, and I assume (and tell me if I am assuming too much) that all moms exercise some level of control over their kids eating based on their budget, dietary and nutritional concerns, moral and ethical reasons, where they shop, the culture they live in, etc. Again, in my home it is a non-issue, but if all my kids were eating in one meal was a starchy food, I wouldn't care, because I would know that they had plenty of fruit, veggies and protein-rich foods during the day when they snack. Anyhow, I think all mamas are here from a desire to parent gently and with respect, and trying to learn from each other.
farmer mama is offline  
#72 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 03:18 AM
 
maya44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar
As far as Ellyn Satter, on her webpage there's no research at all about how her philosophies work with real children. She's a dietician with opinions about how other people should do things, a self-proclaimed "expert". There are lots of "experts" out there telling us how to parent. I think Mothering.Commers are especially unlikely to do things on the advice of a so-called "expert" - they like to do their own thinking!

Dar
Try her books. There are appendixes with loads of research studies.
maya44 is offline  
#73 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 03:56 AM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaroni
THere are some great points on this thread and I've really learned a lot (and gotten support for what I'm doing here).

I have 3 kids 4 and under and it just isn't feasible to make something different for everyone. I respect thier food choices but I also respect my sanity and my own need to sit down for 5 minutes and eat. The kids are always able to have toast, or cereal or something similar that is very simple. For anyone else with multiple little ones, do you know what I mean? dinner time is absolutely crazy as it is! But I agree with the other poster that said, if one wants to be a short order cook, more power to ya!

One question I have. . .many mamas have siad that if their child says they don't like something, then the mama believes 100% what the child said. I understand this from a respect standpoint, but what about the child who says I don't like it to a food they have never even tried? I tell dd it's fine if she doesn't like something, but she must at least try something before she can know that.

I could go on but it's dinner time and as I said I've got 3 little ones here!

great thread, though
I'm about where you're at
When my daughter sees me start to cook she wants to eat immediately. So I'm generally cooking under pressure and going as fast as I possibly can to get the food on the table while she is into everything and being very impatient and my son is trying to stir things and help. I've tried setting them up in their rooms with books or train sets or putting a movie on but they love to be involved with making dinner.
By the time the plates are on the table and everyone is sitting down, I'm exhausted and starving! I'm not going to hop up for everyone and get this or that. If they can't find anything on their plate worth eating, they can go play until I'm done with dinner and then come find me again and we'll talk about something else to eat. They usually eat something at dinner though. I also include things in the meal that I know they will eat.
kavamamakava is offline  
#74 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 12:38 PM
 
heartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with Irishmommy
Posts: 5,986
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
farmermama wrote:

Quote:
can see both sides, but I am unclear on what is the major difference is between children having a choice from the 5 things on the table (one of which is something the child always enjoys) and having a choice from the 10 items (may be more, but I know I don't have more than 10 snack items around) in the fridge.
I think it's easier to see the difference if you apply it to yourself.

In your own home, you have access to what foods are there, whenever you want them. You may have certain times you prefer to eat, and you may restrict yourself, but it's completely your choice to make.

In a guest's home, you would restrict yourself to what was on the table.

You don't have to live like a guest in your own home to learn the difference, and neither do children.

I still have not seen any reason why a child cannot have the freedom to fix alternatives if they don't want the main meal at home. They will learn the difference between home and eating out by experiencing it. Just as they learn all the other differences between company manners, and being yourself at home.

And I also think it's curious to view conscious food choices as negative.

What if your child grows up to do better on low carb foods? Low fat? Raw foods? Vegetarian? Macrobiotic? Vegan?

Are they right or wrong to think about what foods work for them, and find ways to thoughtfully apply it when outside the home?

I fail to see how being a "good eater" means eating whatever someone sticks on your plate, without complaint? Isn't good eating making wise choices that make you feel well, and healthy? Isn't this what the entire natural foods industry is teaching people? *NOT* to reach for the cheeseburger or fries served to them regularly in society, but to make wiser choices?

I realize the response will be "But I don't serve my child fatty fried foods", and that IS great, and awesome, and you should be proud of that. However, it is still the choice you made. Your kids have to learn why you make healthy choices, what a healthy choice is, and how to make it for themselves. To do that, they need the freedom to say "No, I don't want that" and then be able to create a healthy alternative. If they don't have that freedom, the message is simply "Eat whatever is on the table".

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
heartmama is offline  
#75 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 12:41 PM
 
mountain mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Great White eh?
Posts: 3,158
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I totally get where you are coming from Heartmama.

When dd was concieved I was a vegan, turned veg during the preg and then over the last three years I have introduced fish and bone broth soups and now meat for dd.

My point is that my restrictions on my diet should not be hers. She is not me. I want her to have the variety and then choose what avenue she will walk with food. It is an impowering way to raise her. It fits with Ap.
mountain mom is offline  
#76 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 01:04 PM
 
Britishmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 4,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
"Your kids have to learn why you make healthy choices, what a healthy choice is, and how to make it for themselves. To do that, they need the freedom to say "No, I don't want that" and then be able to create a healthy alternative. If they don't have that freedom, the message is simply "Eat whatever is on the table"."

ITA
Britishmum is offline  
#77 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 03:40 PM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,570
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
As far as Ellyn Satter, on her webpage there's no research at all about how her philosophies work with real children. She's a dietician with opinions about how other people should do things, a self-proclaimed "expert". There are lots of "experts" out there telling us how to parent. I think Mothering.Commers are especially unlikely to do things on the advice of a so-called "expert" - they like to do their own thinking!
Why would anyone want to read a "study" that said they were raising their kids all wrong, when they know they are doing it right? Just because there are studies doesn't mean anything - there are "studies" that "prove" homebirth doubles the risk of newborn death and that c-sections are the safest way of delivery for all babies. I don't care who did these studies and what their credentials are; I'm not convinced.

I'm the expert on my family. A self-proclaimed one, true, but at least my proclimation is right.

I'm going to feed my children the way they want to be fed, not the way someone who has never even met them thinks they ought to eat.
Greaseball is offline  
#78 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 03:45 PM
 
mirlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: next to the snoring bear
Posts: 3,216
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Greaseball

I'm the expert on my family. A self-proclaimed one, true, but at least my proclimation is right.

I'm going to feed my children the way they want to be fed, not the way someone who has never even met them thinks they ought to eat.
mirlee is offline  
#79 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 04:30 PM
 
isisjade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Posts: 171
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just curious, for those who follow the Ellyn Satter philosophy in terms of being responsible for providing the what, when and where and the child deciding how much or whether to eat, what do you do in terms of breastfeeding? I thought her book Child of Mine was interesting, but for instance, if I serve my 2-year-old meals, and he chooses not to eat (just about all the time, unless the foods happen to be one of the few he is comfortable with--he has not tried a new food in, I would say, the past 9 months), but instead nurses, the advice doesn't really work. I know she discourages nursing on demand after a year, which I don't agree with, but then it seems I am in a quandry in terms of him being hungry enough to try new foods. Any thoughts? (I may have answered my own question in that the philosophy does not seem to gel with on-demand nursing for toddlers...sorry if this is a confusing post!)
isisjade is offline  
#80 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 07:04 PM
 
Evan&Anna's_Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: So. CA
Posts: 4,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am facinated by how much passion food debates create on this website. This is certainly not the frist multi-page thread about how to handle meal/food refusal. But on to the question.

First, each family is different and kids are different. Here is what has worked (well, I think) at our house. Maybe it might provide some ideas for others. Not that it's very different from what others have already said.

Either my DH or myself cooks dinner. We have an almost 2 YO and a 5 YO. Its very important for us to have a family dinner each night, and we all start with the same things on our plates. If either child decided they don't want something, regardless of why or what, they can get an alternative item. Even my 22 mo. old can open the fridge and get cheese or yogurt (to replace a protein) or a piece of fruit from the bowl (to replace a veggie). There are lots of reasons that I don't want to be a short-order cook, not the least of which is that I want to enjoy my dinner while it is hot too. Its one of the few "self care" items that I have made a priority.

If they are simply not hungry, then they can go back to playing until others are finished, as long as they have sat down with us and said grace.

Dessert is a separate "meal" and is not contingent on eating dinner. For us, this eliminates the "ice cream is better than peas" issue because they aren't connected to each other at all.

We have always cooked an enormous variety of food at our house and our kids are pretty good about trying stuff. And they love lots of things that other children don't--the more expensive the better it seems. When they say "I don't like it" and mean "I haven't tried it but it looks funny", that's OK. Maybe next time it will look more familiar and they will go on to try it. I think it probably helped that they see interesting, different food from the time they started solids. My sons favorite veggie as a young toddler was artichokes, and boy were people stunned when they saw him eat one! I've never cooked special for the kids. When they were just starting solids (well, after the one-at-time period), I would just grind up the veggie of the day, so I think they don't expect it.

We don't, however, allow "fits of temper" at any time, and at the table is no exception. I think demanding a different food, throwing a tantrum, or whatever, around food is an issue about that behaviour, not about food per se, and should be dealt with the same way you would deal with them at any other time.

Anyway, that's mealtime at our house, for what its worth.


I think its important for us to respect our children, but it is a two-way street. So, I respect their "I'm full", "I don't like it" or whatever. But they need to respect "Mommy is eating her dinner and you need to do it yourself" as well.
Evan&Anna's_Mom is offline  
#81 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 07:16 PM
 
moondiapers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Lakeport, California
Posts: 5,912
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I make dinner and they either eat it or don't.

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
moondiapers is offline  
#82 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 08:34 PM
 
LoveBeads's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,549
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom
I think its important for us to respect our children, but it is a two-way street. So, I respect their "I'm full", "I don't like it" or whatever. But they need to respect "Mommy is eating her dinner and you need to do it yourself" as well.
Very, very, very well said
LoveBeads is offline  
#83 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 08:53 PM
 
mommymushbrain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Van Buren, Arkansas
Posts: 199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I try to incorporate something everyone likes during a meal, along with other things some like and some don't.

I don't force anyone to take any bites... My reasoning is if they see other enjoying said food, they have a good chance of trying it themselves, on their own time and on accord.

A story of my own... I refused to eat pork for the longest time - ANY pork. When I got married, my husband LOVED to eat pork. I would prepare meals for him with his said pork products... within three years of our marriage, I was eating pork again. No one forced me. I figure the same will occur with my children.
mommymushbrain is offline  
#84 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 09:00 PM
 
heartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with Irishmommy
Posts: 5,986
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
EvanandAnna'smom wrote:

Quote:
Either my DH or myself cooks dinner. We have an almost 2 YO and a 5 YO. Its very important for us to have a family dinner each night, and we all start with the same things on our plates. If either child decided they don't want something, regardless of why or what, they can get an alternative item. Even my 22 mo. old can open the fridge and get cheese or yogurt (to replace a protein) or a piece of fruit from the bowl (to replace a veggie). There are lots of reasons that I don't want to be a short-order cook, not the least of which is that I want to enjoy my dinner while it is hot too. Its one of the few "self care" items that I have made a priority.
That is such a great approach. It seems like the best of everything. You can make a good meal and sit down to it, and the kids have the choice of what they eat.

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
heartmama is offline  
#85 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 09:06 PM
 
musingmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 420
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Britishmum

Food is just no biggie in our house.

Edited to add that when I think about it, one of the things that most excited me about leaving home was having control over what I ate and when. Wow, what freedom! Nobody to insist that I liked things that I didnt like, or to control me through food. I don't want my children to have to leave home to feel that sort of freedom and autonomy.
I also went through a huge freedom with food and cooking once I left home. My stepmom was a totaly neat freak - control freak with the kitchen and cooking utensils, and really the whole house. even though I began to be interested in cooking and trying new foods other than the boring bland "meat and potatos" my stepmom served, I absolutely did not feel comfortable making and cooking my food in "her " kitchen. I remember several times, there was an issue and complaining to my DAD because I had the nerve to forget to clean a LEMON SEED out of the sinks drain when I fixed an iced tea. amother time, When I got home from school my Dad informs me that I should never say I'm hungry or starving, becasue that is rude to my step-mom because she might feel "pressure".....

I could go on with examples of this such kind of thing, but you get the idea!
when I bacame a vegetarian at 14 yrs old, they thought I was crazy and told me it was just a phase (17 yrs later, now- still a vegetarian with veg. dh and ds -thats what works for us ) SM then eventually decided she is obligated to make me something different on the side in place of meat, so she doesnt even ask me what I'd like or to go to the grocery store with her to make the choices, she just buys me what she thinks- frozen "tv dinner" type veggie lasagna, and frozen haddoock fish fillets (I ate some fish the first year or so), and other bland food repeated..... SO, of course I began eating out a lot, and eating at my best friends house- where the parents didn't have all those food and control issues- they even let us cook dinner -----what a pleasant experience it was to have fun with food and then enjoy eating it together! to not have to live up to expectations.... but I always had to give SM notice of a day or more, if I was not going to be eating dinner at home a ny particular night, I couldn't just call and say i was held up with something and couldnt make it home for the 5 pm sharp dinner time. Now, that I am a mother, I just do not get all the pressure put around eating they created for me. They made food very unpleasant. And how I knew in no uncertain cicumstance that I was not the one in control.
I therefore made it a point to not have control be an issue concerning food for me or for my son. He is 18 mo.s and nursing pretty frequently on cue so if he doesnt eat a lot of solids that day, I know he is getting all the nutrition he needs from me. I do not agree with scheduled and regimented bf... I do not think that that shows much respect for the child. If ds suddenly nurses cosntantly, I look into other areas of his life an try to understand where that need for comfort is coming from.... like a developmental phase that he is working with, teething, or sickness, then I can better understand the need to take things a little slower and hang out with him as he needs to nurse, put other things on the back burner for the tiem being. I use that time to rest and think....
I try to offer him healthy foods, he goes into the refrigerator or cabinets to choose his food when he is hungry. I heat something up in the toaster oven for a few minutes for him if desired. I don't burden myself with thinking that I am or should control and when he eats. How do you know when a person is hungry if they are saying they are not? If food is always available, dc will help themselves when they need it.
Kids are all too often reminded how they are powerless in many ways. Food should not be about power. I agree with some pp.s that everyone has different tastes, like my ds loves thai and mexican, likes all kinds of foods. He never liked pureed foods, so he was a little late on eating solids compared to other dc, but i didnt worry or force him to eat, or try to put pressure on him- I knew there would come the right time. It was only after we offered him what we ate- fresh, foods with lots of different spices, .. He just didnt want to be fed like a baby.
We all enjoy cooking, recipes from all around the world, different spices. Ds also loves all kinds of foods, but does go through normal toddler pickiness, but when I do not make it an issue, he starts eating a varied diet again. It helps if I let him help, do things like fill the salad bowls with lettuce and veggies, drop something in a pot, etc. He is very eager to cook, so somtimes its hard for him to undderstand that hec an't touch the stuff on the stove.
I will try to never make his diet something to be controled, dissected, and judged. I offer healthy foods in small servings he can eat. We are on a tight budget, so whatver leftovers there may be, somone will eat it for sure. I've just always made more than we eat mostly so we can have leftovers for lunches.
Eating is about much more than vitamins, carbs, and proteins.

homeschooling mama to 8 yr old biggrinbounce.gif with a new little one(5-5-2011) babyf.gif...  h20homebirth.gif

musingmama is offline  
#86 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 09:41 PM
 
Britishmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 4,195
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Musingmama, I had a wry smile when I read this:

"I couldn't just call and say i was held up with something and couldnt make it home for the 5 pm sharp dinner time."

Ours was 6pm sharp, but I could have written the rest of your post.

Because the 'family dinner time' was such a control issue in my childhood, I strive to make sure that there is no control attached to food now for my children. As a child, I so envied friends who were allowed control over food and their bodies. I wasnt forced to eat things, but we werent even allowed to dish up our own food. I recall for years trying to persuade my mother to put the bowls out and let people dish up what they wanted, and as a result even as an adult now I struggle when food is dished up for me.

I think we also need to distinguish between a child 'pitching a fit' to get an alternative food, and a child making a polite, rational choice to eat something other than what his/her mother might want him to eat at that precise moment. If my children pitch a fit about anything, that is dealt with separately to the issue on hand. They may or may not get what they want - if the fit is because they want to play with a kitchen knife, then no, they wont get what they want. If the fit is because they want a sandwich, then once we've worked through appropriate ways of expressing themselves, they will probably get a sandwich. Although actually, they don't pitch a fit about food, because they know that I am not going to be confrontational about it.

As I said, it's just a non-issue for us. We talk about what is healthy and what tastes good, but I don't praise anyone for eating, nor do I comment if they don't eat.
Britishmum is offline  
#87 of 267 Old 01-07-2005, 09:56 PM
 
musingmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 420
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Britishmum

As a child, I so envied friends who were allowed control over food and their bodies. I wasnt forced to eat things, but we werent even allowed to dish up our own food. I recall for years trying to persuade my mother to put the bowls out and let people dish up what they wanted, and as a result even as an adult now I struggle when food is dished up for me.

.
wow! I never realized, I do that too- I always like to put the food on my plate.... weird-
yeah, I have many stories about the food eating control at my dad and stepmom's house!
It was good to escape and really enjoy food!

homeschooling mama to 8 yr old biggrinbounce.gif with a new little one(5-5-2011) babyf.gif...  h20homebirth.gif

musingmama is offline  
#88 of 267 Old 01-08-2005, 01:29 PM
 
chickadee79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 426
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So, I just finished reading all these posts. One things that I still have a question about is what do you do when dh and my opinions differ on mealtime? dh is of the "you eat what is put in front of you" mindset, but I would rather make the kids a pb&j if they don't want to eat what I have made for dinner.

Typically I make meals I know the kids like, or have ingredients the kids like, so there usually isn't a problem, but there are times that I try a new recipe. I can understand dh, because there have been a couple times one of the kids said "I don't like this" dh said "try it" and they liked it, it just didn't LOOK good to them, kwim?

I think with how dh and I differ it does have to do with how it was in our homes growing up. My mom would make pb&j if we didn't eat what was on the table. I do remember her encouraging us to finish eating, and I do remember dessert was only for those who ate dinner.

With dh, his family couldn't afford to have that option of making something else for dinner if he didn't like what was on the table. At least that is how I understand it was.

So, I'm not entirely sure where that leaves things. It happens rarely, and I'm ok with a sandwich, but dh isn't.....I do encourage the kids to at least try something before refusing, especially if it is something new, but dh says they must eat it, and if not, they're not allowed anything else until breakfast. I know it has to do with mealtimes when he was younger, but things aren't THAT tight for us.

I don't want to start some big argument with dh or anything, but after reading all these posts, I don't want to force the kids to eat, no one forces me to eat. I'd like the kids to be open to trying new things, but hate the problems/arguments that go along with dinnertime sometimes.

so, next time, do I override dh(not something I want to do,esp in front of kids...united front type thing), but I don't want to keep forcing kids to eat either. any middle ground?
chickadee79 is offline  
#89 of 267 Old 01-08-2005, 03:12 PM
 
maya44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,493
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wanted to say though that I am as stated "your choices are what's on the table". That is where they are: in bowls on the table. You don't have to put anything you don't want on your plate. You don't have to eat something just because you put it on your plate. Its all up to you.
maya44 is offline  
#90 of 267 Old 01-08-2005, 03:57 PM
 
Greaseball's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Eugene, OR
Posts: 8,570
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
About kids not knowing if they like something until they try it...

Sometimes you can tell by the smell that you will not like something. I have never eaten a hot dog, but I tell everyone I don't like them anyway. They smell so bad I know I could not like one. I don't need to take a bite to know this.
Greaseball is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off