"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 151 Old 06-05-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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Here's a request: I can't get the book before I go on a week long river trip with my son. And I would like something to affirm and or give me direction while we are on this trip. So, what is the one thought/phrase from the book which helped you most?

Thanks in advance
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#122 of 151 Old 06-05-2005, 09:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OOOOh, so many to choose from, but I don't want to overwhelm you. This little tidbit gets me through the day:

Focus on the child NOT the behavior. Behavior is language. Knowing our kids well helps us decode the message. Meet the need, the behavior falls away. OTOH, too much focus on the behavior can perpetuate it rather than relieve it and still, the need often times, continues to go unmet... a viscious *and exhausting!* cycle!

Em

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#123 of 151 Old 06-06-2005, 07:33 PM
 
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I also recently saw this book in my library and read through it. It IS good. It reminded me of another book I liked and had just read called The Five Love Languages of Children.
I love books that are based on principles, not just those 'do it this way' books. Although, 'his' interpretation of some things I don't completely trust him on of course, but the whole unconditional love principle is wonderful for us all to think about and work on.
It bugs me sometimes when I see others raving about Love and Logic and other books where they are told the exact thing to do in any given situation. It totally takes away our own instincts.
My favorite parenting book is still Hold On To Your Kids, though.
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#124 of 151 Old 06-06-2005, 09:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tweetybirds2
My favorite parenting book is still Hold On To Your Kids, though.
:
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#125 of 151 Old 06-08-2005, 11:20 AM
 
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Searching for ideas. DH is gone for a few days and 3 YO DS has been HORRIBLE. I know that he misses daddy and is confused about why he is gone. Since he has no real concept of time, daddy's return, though marked on the calendar, does not mean much.

I am trying so hard to be UP. DH took my book, so I don't have all my strategies at hand. What do I do when DS is deliberately trying to harm or interfere with his 5 month-old sister. He tries to be as loud as possible when I try to get her to sleep. He pesters her while we nurse. I know it is all for attention and wanting my love, but sometimes, he needs to just chill out and wait for a minute or two. I am starting to snap. Thank god, DH comes home tomorrow.
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#126 of 151 Old 06-08-2005, 12:00 PM
 
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I am trying so hard to be UP. DH took my book, so I don't have all my strategies at hand. What do I do when DS is deliberately trying to harm or interfere with his 5 month-old sister. He tries to be as loud as possible when I try to get her to sleep. He pesters her while we nurse. I know it is all for attention and wanting my love, but sometimes, he needs to just chill out and wait for a minute or two.
Do you cuddle ds while BF DD on a sofa or read a book to DS while he sits on the floor next to you? Have you tried stuff like that?

I don't have ideas about the sleeping, yet :LOL
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#127 of 151 Old 06-08-2005, 10:58 PM
 
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I have tried that, but it does not always work. Eventually, he will growl or yell or something just as she is going to sleep. As soon as she is asleep, he gets to do something fun with mommy. I have read, play-doh'ed, swung, played in the kiddie pool like crazy since DH left. He just seems hell-bent on being intentionally defiant.

Example: This morning, the first thing he did (the three of us were in bed together) was start fake snoring. Me: Good morning, baby pie. I am happy to see you. How are ya? He smiled, then started the fake snore again. Me: DD is still sleeping, let's not snore right now. What do you want for breakfast? The fake snore got louder. Me: DS, I need you to stop that before you wake your sister. Followed by fake snore at max volume. The rest of the day was just like that.
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#128 of 151 Old 06-10-2005, 09:55 AM
 
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Ahhh, I see....Sounds like that ds is stressing because of dh not around.

This may not help directly might help somehow indirectly....Sorry.
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#129 of 151 Old 06-15-2005, 10:02 AM
 
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Dd1 really wanted to wake dd2 when she was sleeping especially around that age. After much discussion, it turned out that she was afraid her sister would die in her sleep. She was doing the same things we were doing, checking on the sleeping baby. Only she didn't know how to do it "with her eyes only." Dp talked her through watching the baby's chest go up and down with each breath to see dd2 was alive.

It worked!
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#130 of 151 Old 06-28-2005, 11:00 PM
 
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Also just subscribing...
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#131 of 151 Old 08-09-2005, 11:51 PM
 
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I've been reading this wonderful book and was thrilled to find this thread. I loved the discussion going on here and it seemed to end rather abruptly. Has it continued on another thread? If so, could someone direct me?
If not, anyone else want to keep talking?

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#132 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 02:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KateSt.
I've been reading this wonderful book and was thrilled to find this thread. I loved the discussion going on here and it seemed to end rather abruptly. Has it continued on another thread? If so, could someone direct me?
If not, anyone else want to keep talking?

I think most of the discussion moved over to the yahoo group:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnconditionalParenting/

Loon , dh , dd , and twins ds1 dd2 **Thoughts become things. - Mike Dooley**
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#133 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 04:37 PM
 
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I have a hard time with any yahoo group, this one was really hard to follow so I unsubscribed. I would love to see a tribe started here for UP if anyone else is interested...

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#134 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 04:52 PM
 
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Pigpen, I also had a hard time with the yahoo group--simply because of the format of yahoo's message boards. So I'd be interested in starting one here. My dd is still very little, so I don't predict being able to contribute concrete stuff yet (although I would lurk), but I'm all for talking about the book.
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#135 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 06:38 PM
 
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Hey mamas, thanks for responding. I, too, have a difficult time with yahoo's format so I'd love to re-strike up the conversation here if others are interested.
Hunnybunnymummy -- my ds is still very young too, so I don't have to worry about actual discipline yet either. I can definitely see some of my patterns that need to be changed, however. Now that I'm aware of it, I can't believe how much I give my almost 6 month old "good job!"s. Dh does it too, and like other women mentioned earlier, I don't know if I can convince him to read this book. He already thinks I'm "out there" on so many levels already. :LOL

So, should we start a new thread or keep this one going?

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#136 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 06:57 PM
 
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KateSt and HunnyBunnyMummy, I have to say I'm a bit jealous that your kids are still babies...I wish I had this book when my first was a baby. I always considered myself a gentle discipliarian but that's simply b/c we didn't spank. It's been a long road to get where we are now, and we're not anywhere near where I'd like to be! I really need to discuss this philosophy with others to help keep myself in check...I say we start a tribe and link to it here...unless that's against the rules. I'll look into it.

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#137 of 151 Old 08-10-2005, 10:00 PM
 
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I'll start a new thread in "Finding Your Tribe" when I get a chance later, unless someone else can first. I'll link to it here...

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#138 of 151 Old 08-11-2005, 06:17 PM
 
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Oh geez, I want to play, too, but the kids just woke up....

I just read the book on this vacation and LOVED it. Appropriate timing, too.
ANd, the kicker...dh is reading it now & sees complete validation for his parenting. hehe I hate to admit he's right.


I'll be back...

Okay, clue me in but why are folks moving over to yahoo? Certainly, this isn't controversial here?
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#139 of 151 Old 08-11-2005, 06:43 PM
 
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I can't really tell you why the yahoo group was started, but I am yahoo group challenged so I just couldn't get the format. I just started a tribe here for all UP interested folks...here's the link http://www.mothering.com/discussions...18#post3604318

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#140 of 151 Old 08-11-2005, 07:42 PM
 
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Great! I'm heading over...

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#141 of 151 Old 08-11-2005, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm all over getting this conversation going again. Regardless of the Yahoo thread, I think this is an important book to discuss here at MDC.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pigpen
I wish I had this book when my first was a baby.
Pigpen, this is my ONLY regret about this wonderful book: that it wasn't published in 2001! Oh, and the fact that I don't actually OWN a copy yet. I've been fortunate enough to have had the library's copy of couple of times and I believe I've read it cover to cover at least twice and then some. It's in my top three of parenting books!

The best,
Em

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#142 of 151 Old 08-12-2005, 11:20 AM
 
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:LOL My kids are 2 & 4 and I'm so bummed, too! I told dh the first half of the book describes me and the 2nd half saves me. I hope my 4 year old can recover.

I feel like I fall in his middle category. First he gives the popular, negative, reaction. Then, he says, "Wellllll, now some folks think xxxx is a better alternative BUT.... " and he shows why it's still negative. Pseudo choices are a great example of this.

I bought the book for vacation and was bummed to pay the $ but I am very happy that we have it as a resource to keep and to share.
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#143 of 151 Old 08-12-2005, 11:34 AM
 
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I just finished it and I love it.

I think it will help me better articulate what dh and are doing. So many times I have said I don't do 'outcome based' parenting.

IMO, this is a very important book.
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#144 of 151 Old 08-12-2005, 12:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UUMom
I think it will help me better articulate what dh and are doing. So many times I have said I don't do 'outcome based' parenting.
I like that...I love how clearly he makes the point in the book that most parents hope their children grow up to be independent, happy adults but the way they parent (punishment, shame, authoritative) will most likely end up raising them to be something entirely different. So many people care about the immediate results. Compliance = good parenting. Instead of thinking long term. This is exactly where I was for a long time.

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#145 of 151 Old 08-13-2005, 10:24 AM
 
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I started reading this months ago, then put it aside because of a book club obligation, and other "must read" recommendations. Now that I'm back to it, I wish I hadn't put it down!!

I think this is my all-time-favorite parenting book.

Quote:
I think it will help me better articulate what dh and are doing.
Yeah--there's nothing wrong with parenting by gut feelings, but it's nice to read something from someone who's thought it through on an intellectual level and tie it all in together.

Single Mom to 3 (12, 17 & 21)  luxlove.gif and dog2.gif.

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#146 of 151 Old 08-25-2005, 10:32 AM
 
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Bump.



Came across the "tribe" in FYT and it linked to here.



Am finally reading "Easy to Love ..." by B. Bailey cover to cover (had taken it out of the library some time back and just sort of read it on the fly, a page here and a page there ... now bought myself a copy and started with page 1) and am so fired up about it, it's in my head all day ... and now you've piqued my interest to read "Unconditional Parenting" ... first parenting book I've been inspired to get in a while just from a thread.

So little time, so many pages. :LOL

So a bump.

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#147 of 151 Old 08-25-2005, 10:45 AM
 
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Me! Me, too! I just started reading this book and will have to -gulp- plow through this whole, long thread. Hoping that there will be some useful, concrete ideas for translating this (so far) fairly philosophical text into actionable ideas for parenting a toddler.
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#148 of 151 Old 08-25-2005, 10:58 AM
 
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Sorry, but what is the title? I may be blind, but can't seem to find it
Nevermind it's the title! OK rugh morning here
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#149 of 151 Old 08-25-2005, 03:38 PM
 
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:

: mom to one 12-year-old waterborn ball of fire :
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#150 of 151 Old 01-16-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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bumping since I'm late to the discussion
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