"Oh, what a good girl you are!!" - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 05-07-2005, 12:50 AM
 
Angierae's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 799
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifetapestry
But genuine expressions of praise or statements of personal characteristics, in an otherwise healthy parent/child relationship, are likely to be facilitators of interests in learning and other life experiences.
I agree with you. I think, a healthy parent/child relationship has the greatest impact on a child. But I don't feel the statement "good girl"
ever falls into the category of praise you are describing. To me, it is almost always lazy praise. I strongly believe in the value of carefully chosen words. I want my child to really know what I am thinking. Telling her she is "good" or "smart" or "pretty" isn't deep enough for me. When I am impressed and exclaim, "Wow, you are so smart," I try to follow up with an explaination: "You matched those pictures very well." Or, "You look very pretty. I like how I can see your smile when your hair is in a ponytail." "Good" is definitely the hardest label for me to elaborate on. It means nothing specific to her. I'd rather just explain, "It made your friend happy when you shared your toys."

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifetapestry
I think that in order for him to develop his own internal sense of what's good or not, he needs my input about what I think. It is an enormous task to help children figure out what is socially acceptable or not, or what is "nice" behavior or not. This also helps them understand how they are treated themselves-- at a party not long ago, I was walking to the bathroom when the little girl who lived there (she's the same age as my 3.5 old son) told me she was going to the bathroom. I told her that she could go first if she wanted, and she did. Then she asked me if it was "nice" to let someone use the bathroom first. She was trying to figure out what that meant socially. There is nothing wrong, IMO, in helping children undertsand the social meaning of their actions.
I agree with this as well, but I would argue that your action teaches her more about social kindness than your words. Your action showed consideration for her needs in the face of your own. That is a complex social interchage. She likely felt happy about it and realized your action was "nice." I don't think there is any harm in affirming that it was "nice," but I think her asking you that question shows that she doesn't need verbal input about what is socially acceptable. She internally understood the social meaning of your action by the way it made her feel. I can't imagine calling dd a "good girl" could ever really help develop her own internal sense of what is good. But that's just me!

Angie, mama to Anna '01, Mia '04, and Leif '08 and angel1.gif '03  angel1.gif'07 angel1.gif'12.Expecting someone new in 7/13! pos.gif

 h20homebirth.gif familybed2.gif bftoddler.gif homeschool.gif  novaxnocirc.gif

 

 

 

 

Angierae is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-07-2005, 05:46 AM
 
sagira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: The Florida Keys
Posts: 1,307
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really dislike "Good boy" and those clearly "you are what you do" messages our music teacher has been sending ds. It really grates on me. However, at the same time..

I've told dh not to use it and he doesn't. Well, maybe he slips 1% of the time, but I know he tries very hard and is doing really well (hmm.. good dh! :LOL )

So.. my point is, I take responsibility for what to say to my child (we usually do "yay!" which he's been using a lot with himself ) and I know that as his mother I am a big influence. Since father is on board as well we're pretty certain it's not going to be a problem and as he gets older we can always explain how some people feel the need to say those things because they're pleased and lack other things to say.

I wouldn't stress about it too much. Like another mama in another thread said, sometimes we think too much. Let's enjoy our children and do our best.

We can't control what other people say or do (I don't think we would want to either, we're into gentle discipline -- hehe ), but hey, we matter the most to our children and what we say or do has the biggest impact on them than even Grandpa or Grandma.

Cheers,
sagira is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 10:28 AM
 
orangefoot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Oxfordshire UK
Posts: 3,051
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I mentioned my MIL before - part of what bugs me about her is her shallowness in some respects. She talks in 'nice' and 'lovely' and 'ooh' and doesn't engage with anything seriously. She makes much of the lengths she goes to to keep everyone 'happy' but does this by never committing herself to anything or anyone which is incredibly frusrating. This is obviously a judgement on my part but I think it is an example of what we are discussing which I feel is 'niceness' over substance.

She has told me that I would look 'nicer' and 'prettier' if I grew my hair (I have an elfin crop) She ignores that fact that I am contented, settled, loving, happy, beautiful and sexy to my husband and that looking 'nice or pretty' don't figure in the way I see myself. My many other skills and attributes are way more meaningful than these superficial labels. I would like to be remembered for more than being nice.

Incidentally how do we feel about being described as a 'good person' now that we are grown-ups?
orangefoot is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 01:54 PM
 
NoraB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifetapestry
I'd suggest to you that the problem was not with the label, but with other dynamics in your family. My parents bragged openly about how "smart" I was and they always let me know that they were impressed with me. It gave me confidence to approach my schoolwork in a positive way, and gave me encouragement when I didn't do as well as I liked. I have an amazing zest for learning (I have a Ph.D. and a law degree, and a very fulfilling and challenging career that I have created on my own). At the same time, my parents taught me that being smart is not the be-all-or-end-all, and that I also needed to work hard, to help other people, and to be a good person. They didn't cluck with disappointment if I didn't get all A's and they told me to study what I was interested in.
I'm very sure that my family dynamics played into the situation, but I don't think the labeling is inconsequential either. I don't think that positive labeling is always going to lead to the scenario I suggested, especially if the parents make it clear that they think the child is smart even in "failure" and do not tie "smartness" to grades and such. However, I do think that labeling can still be risky. We have to ask ourselves where the urge to label is coming from and whether or not it is an unconsious attempt to mold the child into what we think s/he should be.

Quote:
I think that "no praise" can backfire if there isn't an otherwise accepting and encouraging parental relationship. I think you can avoid praise and end up with a child who thinks they never did anything worthy of praise. I think you can avoid labeling your child with positive characteristics and end up with a child who is insecure about who they are and whether you accept them.
I didn't mean to imply that I would never praise or that all praise is bad. I am just trying to get beyond empty, knee jerk phrases like, "Good girl!" "Good job!" "You're so smart!" and make the praise specific ("You climbed that really high ladder to the big slide all by yourself!" "You figured out the puzzle!"). I want to give my DC more information than just a verbal pat on the back. To me, hearing the same phrase over and over in different situations makes the phrase lose much of its pleasing ability. Additionally, I want DD motivated to do things b/c of the internal pleasure it gives her (intrinsic motivation) rather than to please or be rewarded by others (extrinsic motivation). Believe me, I do show my pleasure in her, couldn't deny it if I tried (b/c I think she's the most beautiful and amazing child on the planet :LOL ), and that expression of pleasure does spring spontaneously from a genuine place. However, I've just learned to replace my old knee-jerk expressions w/ words that show more attention to the actually situation and that also highlight DD's own acheivement for herself.

In the end, I must say that we are rather blessed to even be debating issues of praise. It means (IMO) that we've generally gotten beyond the major parenting issues that take up much of the time of other parents. It seeems to me that we must be more certain of our parenting philosophies than the general public if we have the mental energy to devote to "the little things." I think that bodes well for the future of all our children, whether we choose to praise or not.
NoraB is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 02:08 PM
 
aira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: missing the Grandmother Lodge
Posts: 2,959
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Very interesting thoughts....

How would any of you handle having a stanger say "Good Boy" in the terribly condescending tone??

What if it were your boss, or something? Someone you couldn't be snarky with? (My fave way of handling stuff! )

It actually happened to DS last night at an aikido seminar. After the class (in which I did not participate but played with DS on the side), a senior to me told DS something like "Thank you for being such a good boy during the class and not bothering us while we trained." I wanted to punch his lights out, but truely CAN'T. Hell, even DH can't knock this guy out - he's WAY senior. :

Not that that's the right way to handle it, but my point is in asking what would you do to someone you're required to show respect, who disrespects your child? I can't just let it go because of the message my silence would send DS...

What do you mamas think?
aira is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 02:54 PM
 
momnloveit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: South Utah County
Posts: 428
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I get annoyed with myself when I find these words coming out of my mouth. I don't like to be labeled, either. It can put a lot of pressure on you. I still feel it sometimes. When I hear "you're such a good mom" it makes me feel really good. But then when I'm having a really horrible day, I think "what if they saw me now?" I'd rather hear "You handled that situation beautifully" Then if I was having a rough day, it would be about how I was handling things, not about me and my worth as a mother. I'm never very good at writing how I feel, so I hope you get the point.
My latest development is "big girl!" It is so stupid, yet I hear myself saying it a lot. I'd take quite the offense if someone said that to me! lol.
having someone say that you're always a certain way can be tough. You feel like you're not allowed to be human.
momnloveit is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 03:15 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: raising the revolution
Posts: 4,315
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are so scared that we will do this with our daughter because we do it with our cat ALL the time :

Obviously, the cat isn't damaged by it...but she is well...a CAT.....

it is a hard habit to get out of because we will stroke our kitty and in the sweet baby voice tell her what a *good girl* she is and my husband and I have already had discussions that we absolutely CAN NOT do this with our daughter (not that we would do it in the same way obviously, but you know what I mean)

We know all the reasons NOT to, and agree with all of them...here's to praying and hoping that we can break the cycle we created with our cat :LOL

My mom STILL does that with me and I HATE it..and I am nearly 28!!!!!!! Like she went with me to the laundry mat the other day to help me out (because I am bursting at 37 weeks!) and I folded her quilt for her and she was like "good girl, thanks"

OMG ...

If it weren't so crazy, it would have been funny...or the other way around maybe... :LOL
captain crunchy is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 03:28 PM
 
famousmockngbrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: home
Posts: 6,671
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Slightly OT, but DS is potty training so I have been praising his ability to put pee in the potty lately. The other day I was on the toilet (sorry if TMI) and DS came up to me, patted me on the back and said with much enthusiasm, "Mommy, you're such a good pee-er!" :LOL Thanks, DS.

Sometimes, when DS and I are just hanging out and I'm really enjoying being with him, I will tell him he is a great kid and I love being his Mommy. No strings attached. I think that's the key - unconditional acceptance. I don't like the idea of a child's worth being dictated by how they behave or what they do, and I think that's the message that is indirectly sent when we express approval of a child's actions by telling them that they are a "good" or "bad" child, in totality. Their actions may be good or bad, but *they* are always inherently good and valuable and loved.
famousmockngbrd is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 03:33 PM
 
famousmockngbrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: home
Posts: 6,671
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by aira
...what would you do to someone you're required to show respect, who disrespects your child? I can't just let it go because of the message my silence would send DS...

What do you mamas think?
Well, in this case I *would* actually say nothing. Hearing a relative stranger call him a "good boy" is not going to do any harm to your DS. I understand cringing a little over it - I would too - but it was meant as a compliment and I'd take it that way.

Now, on the other hand, if someone was disrespecting my DS by pushing him out of the way or telling him to shut up or something, I'd have PLENTY to say about it.
famousmockngbrd is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 03:35 PM
 
NoraB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When strangers tell DD "good girl," I try to respond w/ something more specific. I can't think of any examples off the top of my head, but I do it in much the same way you might respond back to a toddler when they use a gramatically incorrect sentence (toddler: " I want she stay here!!!" me: "Oh. You really want her to stay with you."). You're not overtly correcting the child, but reflecting the correct way of speaking in normal converstation. KWIM?

When it comes to family, I take the same tack unless it proves not to work...then I consider the worth of having a conversation about it. So far, I've approached the situation by opening the discussion on how I'm trying to change said behaviour in myself. I say that I've been doing some reading and am trying to find alternative ways to encourage rather than saying "good girl," etc. It seems to be a pretty effective and nonconfrontational way of dealing w/ the sitaution.

The newest one I'm tackling (in myself as well as others) is the "don't" phrases. Don't climb the furniture. Don't spill the milk. Don't, don't, don't. I'm working really hard on saying what to do insead (for some reason, this wasn't a problem before the last few months). Next I'll have to tackle the way that other family members tell DD "don't."

Or what about "be careful!" and "don't hurt yourself!" I don't like those either. Especially, "You'll fall!" Talk about self-fufilling prophecies! So far, I've come up w/ "Keep your balance!" "Climb as far as you feel steady, then come back down." I'm a bit stumped for variety though.
NoraB is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 05:40 PM
 
girlndocs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: discreet, my @ss
Posts: 4,131
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Heh.

My mom did a lot of things wrong, but one thing she did right was somehow not have heart attacks as I climbed every tree I saw

Her perennial favorite thing to yell? "Watch where you put your hands and feet!"
girlndocs is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 06:23 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Slightly OT, but DS is potty training so I have been praising his ability to put pee in the potty lately. The other day I was on the toilet (sorry if TMI) and DS came up to me, patted me on the back and said with much enthusiasm, "Mommy, you're such a good pee-er!" :LOL Thanks, DS.

Sometimes, when DS and I are just hanging out and I'm really enjoying being with him, I will tell him he is a great kid and I love being his Mommy. No strings attached. I think that's the key - unconditional acceptance. I don't like the idea of a child's worth being dictated by how they behave or what they do, and I think that's the message that is indirectly sent when we express approval of a child's actions by telling them that they are a "good" or "bad" child, in totality. Their actions may be good or bad, but *they* are always inherently good and valuable and loved.
I got the potty applause once and realized how silly I was to be applauding my son when he did his business. It was pretty funny and eye opening seeing my son sitting on the side of the tub clapping away for me.
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 06:34 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
NoraB, your post struck a nerve with me. I have two sisters. My mom always told me I was pretty but I didn't believe her because my older sister got a lot of attention from guys for looking sexy and my younger sister got a lot of attention from everyone for being so cute and pretty. So I took the smart tack. I wanted to be recognized for being smart. I was always memorizing things and spouting them back and reading things and remembering my way around places. I was the family guide when we would go on vacations even when I was only 10. My mom always told me I was smart too. I love my mom and really like the way she raised us. I don't feel she put pressure on me to be smart or that she made me feel not beautiful, it was actually more my perception of the way people responded to my siblings that prompted my actions. But I do remember that when I started dating, I would feel sad when a guy called me beautiful. Or when people would compliment me on my looks, I would feel very awkward. I mean, how could I say thank you for the compliment when my looks are not my doing? Anyway, I've always had strange feelings inside when people told me I was smart or beautiful. I just feel like they are so insincere most of the time.
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 06:38 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Now, on the other hand, if someone was disrespecting my DS by pushing him out of the way or telling him to shut up or something, I'd have PLENTY to say about it.
What DO you say to that? It actually happened to me!
We were at the first day of dance class a couple of weeks ago and my son got upset and came to me crying. The woman in front of us tried to loudly shush him and then she turned around and said CUT IT OUT!. Everyone in the room heard her and she was glaring at my son when she said it. I was flabbergasted. I said EXCUSE ME? and she wouldn't even turn around. In fact, she took a few steps over so she was standing in front of me and blocking my view. I was seated on the floor nursing my baby. I thought of a lot of things to say to her but nothing that I would be proud of saying in a room full of preschoolers. So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 07:21 PM
 
aira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: missing the Grandmother Lodge
Posts: 2,959
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
kavamamakava, what a *&%$ she is! I'm sorry for your DS, you, and the nursling. Geez!

I think I'd give her the same treatment. Like:

Your disdain for children is making everyone here uncomfortable. See, everyone is looking at you.

How does it feel to have everyone here see you shaming a 4 year old for not having impulse contol, when you clearly don't either?

Do you treat your own children so poorly too?

I can come up with lots to say about something that egregious!

Hugs to you!
aira is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 08:18 PM
 
kavamamakava's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle
Posts: 4,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really wish I would have thought of some of those comments. Heh.
I hope she doesn't come back. But if she does, I need to have something to say to her. haha
kavamamakava is offline  
Old 05-07-2005, 10:20 PM
 
aira's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: missing the Grandmother Lodge
Posts: 2,959
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Feel free to use those if you like them...

I like to prepare for such things too, beacuse I never know when I'll freeze inthe moment. Rehearsal is great!
aira is offline  
Old 05-08-2005, 01:57 AM
 
famousmockngbrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: home
Posts: 6,671
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Kavamamakava, I only said I'd have plenty to say, I didn't say any of it would be particularly snappy.

I'd like to claim I'd come up with some great remark but in actuality I'd probably say something like, "I'm sorry, are we bothering you?" in a really sarcastic voice.

I wish I could claim to be gentle with everyone but when strangers are rude to me or someone I love, my first instinct is still to give them major attitude.
famousmockngbrd is offline  
Old 05-08-2005, 11:36 AM
 
IncaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
hm...i'm still really struggling to see why "good girl" or "good boy" is so evil. i mean...does telling your child that they are good mean that you only value them when they are good? i really don't see that. i think it's a stretch, personally...when i say "good job" or "good boy" i mean that right then he did something really well and i want to acknowledge it. or sometimes he wasn't doing a darn thing but he's still a good boy/good person so i'm telling him. i tell him he's good all the time...he's never heard me say he's "bad" or "not good", so why would he assume that he's only good when he does good things? or that i don't value him when he's not good? i've never identified those times for him. maybe i'm not explaining myself well, but i'm just really struggling to see how our kids would take a negative message away from that statement. if it's a more complex sentence like "put your toys away like a good boy" i can see how an older child could interpret that as "if i don't put them away, i'm not a good boy"...i guess i don't say "good boy" when he's doing something that's polite or disciplined or whatever...and almost never when i've directly asked him to do something...so it doesn't carry that connotation with it in my head when i'm saying it. i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts.

i don't know...maybe i should re-read the thread.
IncaMama is offline  
Old 05-08-2005, 11:50 AM
 
lifetapestry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Ankle Deep In Paradise
Posts: 1,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kavamamakava
So I just told her she was extremely rude and had no right to speak to my child, or anyone, like she just did.
It continued after the class, but I still would like to have had a better response than that. It was almost 2 weeks ago and I'm still angry about it. She wasn't at the last class and neither was her kid. But she might be there next week. I hope not.
I think you did fine. I'm a lawyer, so I like to invoke legal language if I'm trying to intimidate someone. This past winter we were at McDonald's (yeah, so kick me off mdc) because Noah loves their playground (and their french fries and chicken selects). He was also at a stage (he has some mild/moderate SIDS issues that he had to wear shoes (his high top hiking boots) all the time indoors; he didn't like the feeling of just socks. So I do not insist that he remove his shoes, as the rules at McDonald state. I wipe down his shoes everyday, so I tend to think they're at least as clean as some kids' dirty bare feet (also against the "rules").

So one Dad (who kept using that annoying counting thing to get his kids to behave) starts yammering to me about how he has to take his shoes off. I say "I hear you. He's fine with his shoes on." Then he goes to get the manager, who obviously tells him to lay off. He continues to yammer at me until I say, "If you speak to me again, I will report you to the manager for harassment." Instant shut up.

Really, I think that the only way to deal with bullies is to bully them back. They are usually the kind of people who cower at the mention of authority, so I invoke it whenever possible, after other hints or rationales haven't worked. I either point to some written document or "rule" that validates my perspective, or I tell them to stop speaking to me or I will report them for harassment. Or both.

That's what legal harassment is, by the way. If you have told someone to stop talking (writing/emailing) and they continue to do it, that's harassment. No one has to listen to someone for any reason, no matter what the content is that they are communicating, even if you're breaking the rules. Well, okay, you probably can't report someone for harassment if they keep telling you to stop beating them after you've told them to shut up. Otherwise, you're in the clear.

So the only thing that I would have done in your shoes is to tell the bully (what an obnoxious thing to do and say, by the way) that if she speaks to you or your child again, you will report her to the management for harassment. I'd probably do it if I saw her again at the class, rather than wait for her to say something again. Prevention and all that-- plus, she should know that her behavior was way over the top-- I'm rather hot headed anyway, but I felt my blood boil just reading your story.

Karla
lifetapestry is offline  
Old 05-08-2005, 11:59 AM
 
lifetapestry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Ankle Deep In Paradise
Posts: 1,933
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by michelemiller
i typically say things like "you're such a good kid" just randomly when my heart is overflowing...not usually tied to actual acts. .
FWIW, this is pretty much how I exclusively use "good"-- as I agree that saying "good" in response to specific behavior IS lazy. That I think is right-- that it is better to say "thank you" for cooperation and to make a specific observation or compliment for "good" behavior.

Sometimes I think that in a lot of these threads, people are getting all worked up over semantics. I think that showing unconditional love to your kids is not as much what you say to them (or don't say), but in all the small ways you *show* them that you love them, no matter what. As the trite saying goes, talk is cheap. Actions are what counts.

Context matters too. I am very confident that my son knows that I'll love him and be there for him, no matter what, even though I tell him that he's a good kid. In the context of our relationship, it's just natural and I can see that magical positive electrical feeling thing that runs between us when I say it.

Karla
lifetapestry is offline  
Old 05-08-2005, 12:03 PM
 
IncaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 4,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
YES, exactly...you said it so much better than i did. LOL
IncaMama is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 01:21 PM
 
macleand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go bulistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?
macleand is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 01:23 PM
 
macleand's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Is anyone still reading this post?

My inlaws watch my 2.5 year old two days a week with an over night during the summers. The rest of the time I'm a stay at home mom.

Every time summer rolls around it's bitter sweet. I love that they want to be a part of her life and I appreciate some "me" time but they are just insane people and they don't listen to a thing I say.

First it was them clapping and saying "yeah Jayden!" when she was 6 months. Not just a little. But hundreds of times a day the whole time. If she blinked they would go ballistic forever like a parade hit town. Then I would get her back and she would cry and whine if I didn't do the same for every little thing she did.

I explained to them that she now was more interested in praise than actually doing anything for the sake of doing it. They would "yes me" but it didn't stop. They still do it at 2 1/2 and even catch themselves doing it in front of me.

Then they started potty training her evern though I told them that I was waiting till she was closer to three whenever she initiated it. They said OK and then "oops she found her potty"! I told them to put it away. They did but then started reading her potty books. I got angry with them. They played stupid.

Now they've started with the "good girl, she's such a good girl, good girl Jayden, don't you want to be a good girl, be a good girl Jayden, don't be a bad girl"!!! And I 'm talking all at once they will say all that... over and over. I've told them not to. And why and given them articles and on and on. Then they say back to me after weeks of telling them and them "yessing" me... "but it helps her not to do certaing things". I want to scream. They aren't the brightest bulbs and they don't listen or read anything I've given them.

Now I'm thinking of limiting the time they spend with her but I really hate to do that. I know how much they love her and she loves them. And I want them to know her and for her to have a close relationship with extended family.

But now when I tell her she can't do something she looks hurt and says that she's a good girl. Or if we have to leave someplace that she wants to stay. "No. I'm a good girl!" This morning I walked into her room and she demanded that I call her "a good girl"... she screamed it over and over.

I have no idea what to say to her about it. I tell her that she's not good or bad. That she's Jayden and Jayden's a girl and I love her no matter what. I've said that there's no such thing... that she's jayden... a human... a person.

I don't want her to think that I don't think she's good... I don't want her to think about it at all! A couple of weeks ago she was happy and had such high self esteem. And now the in-laws are home and she needs me to tell her that she's good.

It's enough that they've taught her to say "excuse me poops cucks" every time she passes gas. Which haven't said too much about. If I said something every time they bugged me I would never stop talking. Yes... I'm venting right now!

I try to think of it as Jayden getting a taste of different people, different personalities and different ways of being. But when I see them messing with her self esteem I just want to roar like a mother lion.

What do I say to my daughter when she insists that she's called a good girl?

Anybody?
macleand is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 02:35 PM
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by aira
What if it were your boss, or something? Someone you couldn't be snarky with? (My fave way of handling stuff! )
"All kids are good kids"

I know that still has the "good" in it, but I think it gets the message across. I say that when people comment on how good ds is. "All toddlers are good in their own ways." or something like that. It seems less confrontational than saying that I don't like to hear "good boy."
You could maybe even add that your ds was quiet for the lesson, and that you can see that the instructor was appreciative of that. Something that shows ds what the teacher meant, while taking the judgement out of it.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 02:42 PM
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by loved
: Someone please help me explain to my husband and others why saying "Good girl!" to my daughter is so not cool.
Tell them that YOU think she's always good. That you don't want her to think that your approval of HER is dependent on her actions. I'm sure your family wants to convey that they love her no matter what! They just don't see "good girl" as being conditional.

You can also tell them that "good girl" doesn't give dd any information about what they appreciated. Ask them to be specific, if they must give out their value judgements. (Maybe don't say it that way. That sounds a bit confrontational lol).

Also, one thing that strikes me, is that when you praise a child for doing something social, like sharing or being helpful, it sends the message that you are surprised that dc was social. That sharing was unexpected, and it seems uncharacteristic of dc. I told my grandma that, to try to get her to stop saying "good boy". So she started saying "Good show! I KNEW you'd help me throw the trash away." lol. sigh. hehehe

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off