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#1 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Are there any parents here who do consent based parenting? Where you try to find a solution to everyone's need based on a win-win, not a compromise, not enforcing your own boundaries? I really want to talk with moms who this works for.

I have just got back from a Home educators festival where a lot of the children are 'unschooled'. I am unsure of peoples parenting styles, but it seemed that a lot left their kids to it (whereas consent based parenting is about being very involved with your children and offering your opinions on things that your child is free to take up/reject).

Here is what I saw at this festival:
-Toddlers to young children - 6yrs left to their own devices, allowed to wander off anywhere without parents knowing where they were (1, 800 people at this festival).
-Teens left to it, to say Hi to parents at the begining of the day and that was it. Parents didn't know where they were or even where they were sleeping.
-Angry teens, dressed in back, dyed hair seemed to be the norm.
-Every night getting drunk, getting stoned, throwing up, taking hallucinagenic drugs, making loads of noise. (Last night I heard a girl screaming how 'it will be all your fault when I kill myself'- I have no idea where her parents were).

Is this where TCS/consent based parenting sends your child?

I ask because it is something I want to do more and more, but this makes me unsure, seeing these children behave like this. Other things that shock me I have heard of: allowing your 5yr old, and 9 yr old watch a horror/murder movie (18 rated) and then them having nighmares about it, with the 5 yr old now fainting at the sight of blood on anyone.

I am so confused now which way to go with this whole parenting thing. How do I know which way is right?

Amanda treehugger.gif , UK Mum, married to airline pilot Davesurf.gif . Mum to Emily blahblah.gif (20), Jasmine  dust.gif(11) and Theo fencing.gif(7):

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#2 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 07:20 PM
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Here's the way I look at things...

I don't ever take just ONE thing and make it my complete philosophy on anything, so I refuse to do that with parenting!! Even being a christian, while I choose to believe the Bible as my *main* source for spiritual guidence etc...I still really get a lot from the teachings of Buddha, and from jewish mysticism, and from the koran etc and so on... (not wanting to veer off into religion, just using an example)...

That is the same as I approach parenting (or most things)... I feel one gets into trouble when they take ONE thing and base their ENTIRE WHOLE philosophy to EVERYTHING in it... like I call myself an *ap* parent, because I subscribe to almost everything that is ap...but I might not do *everything*...like say my baby doesn't care to be in a sling? Does it make me less ap? I don't think so...

Or I consider myself to be very into NFL... we eat whole foods, use almost all organic, natural products, recycle, are very concious of conserving energy and resources...but we will also probably use disposable diapers for a short while (due to several reasons)...does that *automatically* disqualify me from the nfl club? I would hope not...

Anyway, about TCS... I LOVE the concept of that, for most things. I LOVE the concept of unschooling and taking children seriously, and things of that nature and I plan to employ a lot of the philosophies and methods and all that--so I will probably say "I practice tcs" because it will most closely match what I identify with and how I parent.. but I, like you, am not too cool with allowing say, an 8 year old to watch a bloody, gory, violent film because I "don't want to stifle their desires due to my own hang-ups" or whatever---

So in conclusion...don't worry about labels... yeah, we all put labels on eachother and on ourselves and even I am guilty of this, because as I said, I will place a familiar label on myself based on things I most closely resemble or identify with, but that doesn't mean I follow every single guideline set to the tee..set in stone... you have to modify based on what works for you, your child, your family, your conscience...etc...

As far as the conference thing you were talking about... I dunno, as I wasn't there, but it doesn't sound a lot like TCS to me...kind of like it doesn't sound very *christian* to me when people like, bomb abortion clinics (just to be painfully clear I DO NOT AT ALL CONDONE THAT IN ANY WAY!!!) ....it is taking a label and manipulating it for your own agenda---thus giving the name...a bad name... know what I mean???

Good luck to you and take care!
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#3 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 07:38 PM
 
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Last I knew the concept of TCS had basically been banned from MDC (though there was a tribe at one point).

 

 

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#4 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 07:43 PM
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Didn't know that...

Why would it be banned I wonder? It employs a lot of GD and unschooling *concepts*...

See though, I don't see TCS as just allowing kids to wantonly do whatever they want, whenever they want all the time whether it be detremental to their safety (emotionally or physically)... to people who hold that outlook of it, I imagine it *might* be banned here...

*shrugs* I was just responding to a post..
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#5 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 07:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
Didn't know that...

Why would it be banned I wonder? It employs a lot of GD and unschooling *concepts*...

See though, I don't see TCS as just allowing kids to wantonly do whatever they want, whenever they want all the time whether it be detremental to their safety (emotionally or physically)... to people who hold that outlook of it, I imagine it *might* be banned here...

*shrugs* I was just responding to a post..
I am NOT trying to shut this conversation down AT ALL. Please proceed, I would, in fact, love to discuss TCS.

I just faintly remember constant fighting over the matter and it was basically put on hold. For all I know it is fair game again. I just wanted to warn people that the thread *may* be shut down.

 

 

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#6 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 08:01 PM
 
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Toddlers wandering off with the parents having no idea where they were?
Woah.
I really love the concept of TCS (why would it be banned?) but I don't see it having anything to do with not supervising children.
The Goth thing is just a trend now, and I don't think it signifies anything in and of itself.
Teens openly doing drugs like that is quite odd, though.
At a parenting convention?
Weird....
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#7 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 08:04 PM
 
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Dear Mand, I agree with the other posts, that labels are often misleading. It sounds like you might be needing to find like-minded parents and that this festival didn't meet that need. I too have a strong need to meet other parents who take their children seriously, but who also give their children their opinions, guidance and care. Sometimes, it is hard to find a perfect match. I've just made a ton of effort to meet people in our city and have made some wonderful connections. It takes so much work to meet new people! But, since it is so important to me to meet people who relish in parenting, it is worth the time.

As far as whether that festival was a good example of TCS style, I don't believe that it is, based on the examples you gave. What you saw sounds more like what TCS calls laissez-faire parenting--not TCS--leaving the child to do whatever without providing guidance, advice and input) Do you know about the TCS website and e-mail list? The website is
http://takingchildrenseriously.com/

I'm so glad to hear about other parents wanting to take their children seriously!

Mom to My Little Kumquat born 1/21/01, My Little Plum born 12/28/10

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#8 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 08:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mand
Are there any parents here who do consent based parenting? Where you try to find a solution to everyone's need based on a win-win, not a compromise, not enforcing your own boundaries? I really want to talk with moms who this works for.
This would be my family pretty much, only I will say that for us compromise isn't a bad thing.

Quote:
I have just got back from a Home educators festival where a lot of the children are 'unschooled'. I am unsure of peoples parenting styles, but it seemed that a lot left their kids to it (whereas consent based parenting is about being very involved with your children and offering your opinions on things that your child is free to take up/reject).
My family totally unschools Often we just "leave our kids to it" too it if I am understanding you correctly. We let them be, and do pretty much their own thing in general. We are very involved with them in the larger day to day sense though.

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Here is what I saw at this festival:
-Toddlers to young children - 6yrs left to their own devices, allowed to wander off anywhere without parents knowing where they were (1, 800 people at this festival).
-Teens left to it, to say Hi to parents at the begining of the day and that was it. Parents didn't know where they were or even where they were sleeping.
-Angry teens, dressed in back, dyed hair seemed to be the norm.
-Every night getting drunk, getting stoned, throwing up, taking hallucinagenic drugs, making loads of noise. (Last night I heard a girl screaming how 'it will be all your fault when I kill myself'- I have no idea where her parents were).
I guess something that pops to mind is that all kinds of people homeschool and unschool. Many different parenting types chose not to put their kids in school. There will be people who are very controlling/strict with their kids, people who are not, and tons of kinds in the middle and beyond. We cannot know what is going on in each family or individuals life based on just superficial observation. (Not trying to say that is what you are doing, just sharing my .02)

I'm not sure about the rest except to say that some people are really comfortable with their kids wandering more than others? For the record my kids have hair dyed a variety of colors whenever they choose to, and my son prefers to wear black. These things just aren't an issue to some. Perhaps many of the people knew each other and had a sense of security about their kids being without them?


Quote:
Is this where TCS/consent based parenting sends your child?
Because it's so individual and circumstances vary widely, I wouldn't say it sends them either there or elsewhere always. TCS can go any number of ways just like anything else can really.

Quote:
I ask because it is something I want to do more and more, but this makes me unsure, seeing these children behave like this. Other things that shock me I have heard of: allowing your 5yr old, and 9 yr old watch a horror/murder movie (18 rated) and then them having nighmares about it, with the 5 yr old now fainting at the sight of blood on anyone.
My children at the ages of 5 and 9 would have been totally free to watch a murder-horror movie if that is what they would have wanted to do. We offered guidance, opinions, and any help they might need with any of that but the end decision would have been there own to make. If, after watching such a movie, my 9 year old had nightmares I would have comforted her and discussed what may have lead to them (though IMO nightmares happen with or without scary movies). If my 5 yr old was terrified of blood I would talk a bit about how we all have blood and that it's a very good thing. Maybe we'd investigate the subject of blood further, and maybe he'd be wanting to put off scary movies until a later date. There would be a variety of options.

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I am so confused now which way to go with this whole parenting thing. How do I know which way is right?
Perhaps there will be more than one "right" way for your family? I would just take it slow and do what feels right for you & your children. Learn, read, experiment. Bottom line here is that TCS doesn't mean not being involved with your kids...I tend to see it as the opposite being very involved but not controlling. I hope this helped you a bit. We've been really busy today and I am a little

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#9 of 69 Old 05-21-2005, 09:55 PM
 
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Like you said, you don't know anything about those families.

Take it easy and follow your heart.
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#10 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 01:42 AM
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If you're doing this in the right way for your family then you aren't going to run into these types of issues. Obviously, these families have made choices with which they feel comfortable -- or, at least, they believe they feel comfortable with. Based on the win-win concept your family won't run into these situations because it could never be a win scenario for you. Make sense?

Also, I truly sense, from experience, that when you do this right from the beginning, lots of behavior issues just never come up.

Oh, and TCS is not banned here. There were issues, about three or more years ago, with TCS posters making every single GD thread a discussion about TCS. So Cynthia created threads designated to the topic. Just check the GD archives.
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#11 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 01:48 AM
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#12 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 02:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by PM
Oh, and TCS is not banned here. There were issues, about three or more years ago, with TCS posters making every single GD thread a discussion about TCS. So Cynthia created threads designated to the topic. Just check the GD archives.
Thanks!

 

 

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#13 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 09:41 AM
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when you do this right from the beginning, lots of behavior issues just never come up.
I'd like to change that to: "issues just never come up" or they are perceived in completely different ways by a TCS parent than by an authoritarian parent, for example. TCS is not just a method, it is a way of thinking. And it's a huge leap for most people. Few parents who come from the standpoint of "I need to prevent my child from becoming an unruly teenager" or "my child does this to manipulate me" or "I want my child to be this or that" or "society won't accept my child" will succeed with TCS.
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#14 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 05:00 PM
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I don't think children under 6 wandering off my themselves with hundreds of people is good parenting or TCS parenting. OTOH, my 12 year old often dresses in balck and dyes her hair, and at an event like this, it wouldn't be unsuaul for her to say good-bye in the morning and for me not to see her for 24 hours. We would touch base via cell phone, though, and I would be able to get in touch with her that way. We've had events at our farm where I didn't know where she ending up sleeping...

I know kids raised in much the same way who are much older than Rain, 19 or 20, and I've never seen any drugs or alcohol at their get-togethers (mostly NBSTCers, btw), although I know that some of them have used at times. They probably occasionally have screaming fighst with their parents, too... but none of it seems to be the norm.

If my kid said she wanted to watch a movie that I thought would scare her, I would try to give her the information she needed to make a good decicion. I would research the movie, and give her an idea of what kind of scnes she might see (I did this before Rain watched American History X recently). I might try to find some more mild movies from the same genre and rent them first, and I'd definitely try to do this at home rather than in the theater, so we could pause or fast forward. I might also watch it first, so that I could warn her when a bad part was coming up.

Rain has watched a lot of movies with her hands poised two inches from her eyes, ready to cover, and my job was to tell her when that part was over.

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#15 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 06:31 PM
 
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NBSTCers,
What does this acronym stand for?
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#16 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 06:42 PM
 
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Hi ladies, I'm a newbie. What does TCS stand for? I blush at my own ignorance!

Cheers!
April - mama to the awesome Kai - b.12/30/03 a.9/2/04
waiting for a referral for a baby girl
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#17 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 08:08 PM
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TCS is Taking Children Seriously: http://www.takingchildrenseriously.com

NBTSC is Not Back to School Camp, a camp for unschooled teens: www.nbtsc.org

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#18 of 69 Old 05-22-2005, 08:12 PM
 
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TCS is "taking children seriously"
NCP is "non coercive parenting"
NBSTC is a total mystery to me
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#19 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 08:52 AM
 
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When my oldest was my only, and a toddler, TCS really shook up my ideas about parenting in a good way I was challenged to really stretch my ideas about respecting children, to a whole new level.

It was amazing how many things could be worked out through consensus even with a small child. Now, all these years later and bigger family, it is my first choice for problem-solving, even when it takes a LOT longer, makes us late, tires us out. I think it's essential to use consensus as a family tool whenever possible, because it strengthens our connection so much more than using parental power.

That said, we are not just one or two people. We are 5 busy, sometimes moody, sometimes ill, sometimes pregnant, sometimes tantrumy, allergic or otherwise inflexible people whose needs compete on a daily basis. We've found that everyone has a better overall sense of emotional safety when some limits are set. I hesitate to say this because I hear the "kids like boundaries" rationale used for so many absurd rules and rigid schedules. It will suffice to say that we use our parental power when not using it has consistently and steadily made a child MORE unhappy.

Is it possible that sticking with noncoersion would have eventually worked out? hey, maybe. We weren't willing to endure the unhappiness and suffering of our kids long enough to see.

anyway, I think the TCS ideas are very worth exploring.
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#20 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 11:21 AM
 
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I know it would likely go against TCS philosophy for me to say that you can "take what works and leave the rest", like LLL. I mean, you can't *really* take children seriously while still trying to control them in some ways. But- my point, if I have one , is that for me, going into TCS one step at a time has been better than forging ahead fully as soon as I realized it seemed like way to go to me.

I have 5, 3 and 1 year olds, I was introduced to TCS here over a year ago now. There were some things I was already pretty TCS about, like food, clothes, etc. Others I struggle with- like unlimited TV. I figure doing what I can manage and trying to work more and more TCS into our lives is good. It surely wouldn't be perfect from a hard-core TCS POV, but- it keeps me on the right track, where I fear trying to go all the way right away with TCS would've scared off my husband and quite possibly driven me insane starting from where I was (I can see how it would be much easier with one child who is very young to adopt this philosophy fully and immediately).

So- my advice- work on questioning your "rules", work on respecting your child, and give yourself a break on finding the "perfect" way of doing things, most of us, IMO, grow into these things.

PS- what you saw with toddlers off without their parents doesn't seem a bit TCS to me either, that just seems neglectful, which, unfortunately, some neglectful parents use the TCS lable to justify what they do, IMO TCS is a lot more work, not the neglect you saw.

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#21 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 03:10 PM
 
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So while we're on the topic of TCS, at what age can you start letting them make their own decisions? I know if it were up to my daughter she'd be under the sink drinking poison and falling down several flights of stairs. The only rules we have at home right now are safety related - basically things that can't be avoided by babyproofing.
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#22 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 03:39 PM
 
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This is all new to me and intriguing. I'll be reading up on this right away. But though I like the child-centered point of view, I am getting the impression that it is too "lax". The description of the festival makes me shudder. I don't really believe that children or anybody has to try everything. For instance, I never used drugs and I am perfectly happy. I've never tried S & M, etc. The idea that a young child is allowed to watch a scary movie seems irresponsible to me. Just cause it exists doesn't mean it should be experienced. Isn't that the parents' job to decipher?

I'm probably missing something, but I felt compelled to give my response. But as I said, I don't know much about this philosophy, so sorry if I'm misconstruing it.
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#23 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 04:33 PM
 
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it would probably help to start out by reading from those links someone pasted in up in the thread somewhere - then you'd understand the TCS a little better. Toddlers running loose in public is NOT in line with the tcs philosophy, I think.
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#24 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 04:39 PM
 
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I have really liked reading about TCS, though I know I'm not a TCSer because I do coerce her in some ways. But reading about it has changed my outlook in a good way. My daughter is a full member of our family, as important as my husband and I are, and her wants and needs are just as important as ours. I didn't look at it that way before; I thought of her as on a different level and kind of along for the ride. An example of how it's changed my perspective: we went to the mall to ride on the carousel. She wanted to ride on the carousel *and* have a cookie. My initial reaction was that she should have to choose between the carousel and the cookie. Then (thanks to reading about TCS) I thought again. Both were inexpensive and I had money for them. If it were me and I wanted two inexpensive things, I'd get both. I'm positive my husband would as well. So why would I make her choose between the two other than to exert my power and deny her one or the other? She got both and nothing bad happened as a result.

I think it's worth reading about but I don't find myself to be able to allow her to control every aspect of her life, and I don't always find mutually acceptable solutions when problems come up, although I do try.
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#25 of 69 Old 05-23-2005, 07:12 PM
 
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I found TCS very interesting. It really resounds with me on a lot of levels. However, I do think that when it comes to safety issues, if no consensus can be reached, I would be comfortable with coercion to enforce my viewpoint and keep my child safe. But as a whole, I really would rather do things the TCS way. Also, I am unsure of how it applies to very young toddlers who don't have the verbal skills for the kind of conflict negotiation that TCS calls for.
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#26 of 69 Old 05-24-2005, 02:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamasadie
... I am unsure of how it applies to very young toddlers who don't have the verbal skills for the kind of conflict negotiation that TCS calls for.
Mamasadie, from what I understand of TCS (I don't practice it, but I am influenced by it) the parent has to be really creative and patient by offering solutions (that are okay with the parents) until the non-verbal toddler chooses one that is agreeable to them also. Really, kind of like the checklist you go through with a baby -- hungry? wet? cold? hot? tired? needs comfort? more stimulation? less stimulation? etc.

For example, a toddler resisting their seatbelt could lead to offering a toy to play with while in the seat, letting the child help with the straps, offering food or a sippy cup to have while in the car seat, singing some special songs, or postponing the trip. Or probably lots of other creative things I haven't thought of!
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#27 of 69 Old 05-24-2005, 10:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Bleu
Mamasadie, from what I understand of TCS (I don't practice it, but I am influenced by it) the parent has to be really creative and patient by offering solutions (that are okay with the parents) until the non-verbal toddler chooses one that is agreeable to them also. Really, kind of like the checklist you go through with a baby -- hungry? wet? cold? hot? tired? needs comfort? more stimulation? less stimulation? etc.

For example, a toddler resisting their seatbelt could lead to offering a toy to play with while in the seat, letting the child help with the straps, offering food or a sippy cup to have while in the car seat, singing some special songs, or postponing the trip. Or probably lots of other creative things I haven't thought of!
Noy trying to pick, but this is TCS? I thought this is just trying to get through the day with a toddler with the least amount of aggrevation for all! :LOL

I do this and I am drawn to TCS, although I haven't read any more than what I have found at MDC, so maybe that is what it is, but I wouldn't know how else to deal with a toddler w/o a lot of crying if you don't do things this way!! (As my toddler stands next to me crying because she wants me to get off the computer, so I guess I will )
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#28 of 69 Old 05-24-2005, 01:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonshine
Noy trying to pick, but this is TCS? I thought this is just trying to get through the day with a toddler with the least amount of aggrevation for all! :LOL

I do this and I am drawn to TCS, although I haven't read any more than what I have found at MDC, so maybe that is what it is, but I wouldn't know how else to deal with a toddler w/o a lot of crying if you don't do things this way!! (As my toddler stands next to me crying because she wants me to get off the computer, so I guess I will )

I think it is. It is exactly what i personally could never do because I would have been absolutely misearable and thus so would have my kids if I had gone through these machinations (which they were in my personal view.)

My kids rearely cried though about this stuff. I "did it" by projecting a "this is what has to be done, sorry" attitude. My "sorry" was real in that I tried to project true sympathy, but it wasn't going to change anything and we were not going to spend alot of time on the whole thing.

For me TCS just wasn't in keeping with my personal view of children and their development nor my personal style and attitude to life.

I think that if you are drawn to it, and you are happy doing it, it can be a wonderful thing for most children. However I have seen some kids a little at loose ends with this style of parenting. I was lucky in that my style of parenting seemed to fit my children well, in that like me they don't find rules and some authority to be a big problem.
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#29 of 69 Old 05-24-2005, 02:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by moonshine
Noy trying to pick, but this is TCS? I thought this is just trying to get through the day with a toddler with the least amount of aggrevation for all! :LOL
See, that's exactly what TCS means to me-- trying to get through your days with the least amount of aggravation for all.

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I do this and I am drawn to TCS, although I haven't read any more than what I have found at MDC, so maybe that is what it is, but I wouldn't know how else to deal with a toddler w/o a lot of crying if you don't do things this way!! (As my toddler stands next to me crying because she wants me to get off the computer, so I guess I will )
The idea behind TCS, for me, is that you eliminate arbitrary and unnecessary rules in order to minimize conflict. Some rules are necessary; carseats, for example, are non-negotiable in my family. A lot of people think that TCS means no rules at all; nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, everyone must operate according to certain rules in order to participate in society. Do you walk up to strangers and punch them in the nose because they are wearing the same t-shirt that you are? Of course not; because there's a rule against behaving that way. The point of TCS is not to eliminate all rules, but to impart to children the rules that they'll actually need when they're dealing with other people. They need to know that it's not considered reasonable to stand on a table in the middle of the food court at the mall and dance in your underwear. They need to know that if they throw things at waiters, the waiters won't want to serve them. They need to know that if they stay up until 1 am, they might have a hard time waking up to get to their dance class at 7, and they might be tired and not give their best performance. There are loads of rules that we as adults take for granted in this world, and those are the things our children need to learn.

We eliminate unnecessary rules. We don't censor television, but we don't sit our two year old son down in front of violent movies. He let us know, in no uncertain terms, that he couldn't handle it and didn't want to when he was 13 months old (maybe less?). We prevent BooBah from eating things which are poisonous, but if she wants to take a bite out of a sheet of paper we don't argue with her about it. If BeanBean wants to walk, rather than be in a stroller, we hold his hand in parking lots and anywhere that he could go too far out of sight. If he can't hold hands, we talk about it. I tell him that I have to keep him safe because I love him, and he can either walk with us or ride in the stroller; he usually elects to hold onto the stroller unless he's tired.

There are many many things you can do to minimize conflict, even with nonverbal children. In fact, I would say that the "rules" of attachment parenting in the early days are absolutely TCS; what could be more TCS than allowing your child to nurse when they ask for it, instead of waiting until a schedule says it's time? If your baby needs to be cuddled to sleep at night, and you sleep with them, that's AP and TCS; if your baby needs space to sleep well and you put them in a crib, that's also AP and TCS.

As to the conference-- I'm in agreement with many of the previous posters. That sounds much more like lassaiz-faire parenting to me than TCS, because one key element of TCS is missing. When you are Taking Children Seriously, you have to take yourself seriously as well. TCS is about treating your children as though they are equal to you, not as though they are above you.

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#30 of 69 Old 05-24-2005, 06:24 PM
 
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I can see the parallels and similarities between AP and TCS in many ways, in the sense that the needs (if not the wants) of the child must be respected and the parents have a responsibility to find out what they are and do everything they can to meet them.

But the whole thing about non-negotiable rules is still a bit confusing to me. I thought the whole point of TCS is that are *no* non-negotiables. That you can only persuade a child to sit in a carseat, not make it an absolute rule, KWIM? I know a lot of anarchist sites are big on TCS as a parenting philosophy, and they certainly don't support the idea of any necessary rules. That is why I have never been 100% about TCS. IMO, there are things like carseats, etc. that I have no problem being 'coercive' about. I would certainly try to make it comfortable for my child, and respect and validate their feelings about not wanting to sit there, or perhaps find alternate transportation if possible, but in the end, if we have to ride in a car and leave right then, I am just going to make it happen. Am I misunderstanding them?
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