Short tempered GD tribe? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 85 Old 08-30-2005, 09:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer
I attended a women's relationship workshop many years ago and have remembered a quote ever since. "You don't know what you don't know." Meaning that you only know what you were raised with. If you were not brought up in a loving family, it is hard to put yourself in a relationship that is loving. She was speaking of the patterns of dysfunction women get into when picking relationship partners....but it is true for raising our children.

I think the first thing to realize is that many of us don't have the skills. Maybe that would empower some women to stop beating themselves up for their yelling and other non-GD ways of interacting with their children. I think feeling depressed about a behavior in some ways serves to keep you stuck there because you feel so bad about yourself it is hard to get the energy to learn to be better becasue somewhere in your mind, you just think that you suck.
Great point, thank you.
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#62 of 85 Old 08-30-2005, 10:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Sheena
OMG, did I just type that? Except for the part about your childhood ({{{hugs}}}) I could have said that word for word.

Honestly, I am equally sick of feeling guilty as I am of the behavior that gets me to that point.
Count me in on this tribe too...that is my cycle to a tee! I'll keep checking in for strategies to keep my cool and not be the "mean Mommy" that i think of myself as soemtimes.
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#63 of 85 Old 08-30-2005, 10:33 PM
 
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I agree. It's easy to berate myself for shouting (once, but still...) at my 7 month old for being cranky and loud, but hard to forgive myself. Also hard to stop myself when in the moment. I seem to revert to the 'familiar' which is what my mom did (though I KNOW it didn't work LOL) when I'm short tempered (usually pms or menstruating). Anyone else?

Mama to B and O , wife to J and me to me! :
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#64 of 85 Old 08-30-2005, 11:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm aware that my trigger times are nap/bedtime when I'm wanting some time to myself and DD isn't getting to sleep as fast as I want. Trying to work out w/DH a way for him to do most of the putting down for sleep. Also have started charting my menstrual cycle just so I know when PMS is about to strike (another triggery time). And I try and keep hydrated and my blood sugar even and empty my bladder when I need to (I know that sounds so basic but I swear just doing these things has helped balance my mood).
This is really crucial for me. If I am hungry or dehydrated I am a million times more likely to snap. My PMS has been WAAAAY out of control lately, so bad I have considered seeing a DO about it.

I think one thing that is hard to understand or accept if you are a short fused person is that it can be hard to want to control yourself once you are in the heat of the moment. That sounds odd, probably, but a lot of times when I am angry I have to force myself to want to stop. Does that make sense?

Thank you, whomever brought up Karma. I, too, am a huge believer in Karma... that might just be a breakthrough idea for me.

Amy: Certified Professional Midwife and mom to Max (11) and Stella (6).
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#65 of 85 Old 08-30-2005, 11:49 PM
 
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I haven't read the whole thread but count me in!
Just last week I swatted my daughter. I felt horrible and she immediately reminded me, "we don't hit people"
It was building for weeks after the birth of my son. I was losing my temper and feeling exasperated for minor things. I became too controlling than boom I swatted her for repeatedly spitting at me.
It was my rock bottom so to speak. I broke out my Dr. SEars book and reread it. While it didn't give me the specifics I wanted it did renew my energy to buckle down and focus on being gentle again.
My husband also works 2 jobs and is rarely home and whe he is he can't reallly be much help b/c he can't feed the baby and DD does not want him to pout her to bed or do any of the required child rearing stuff. She does adore him and loves to play with him but she needs me for the work stuff.
Anyway, Ive been revamping our day to day stuff so I don't get so stressed.
The big thing is bedtime...Now after PJs, tooth brushing and stories I leave her room and she is allowed to play on her bed and can call me when she is drowsy and ready to be quiet and sleep. This gives me time to finish around the house as she doesn't nap during the day and trying to clean is difficult and causes me guilt for not keeping the place clean and more guilt for wanting to clean when I should be playing with her or whatever.
Anyway...Thanks for posting this thread I really needed it. I am going back now to read the rest of the posts.

The first rule of homeschooling: water the plants! :
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#66 of 85 Old 08-31-2005, 12:50 AM
 
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I also grew up in a yelling/spanking household and I can be a short fused person as well. I'm trying sooo hard to be gentle with my boys, but my oldest throw's me over the edge everytime. He's the one whose running around causing chaos (teasing his brother or laughing soo loud when doing things that upset others). I feel myself becoming distanced with him because at the end of the night I just want him to go to sleep it's like I just can't deal with him anymore :
My sister and my nephew also live with us and things are soo stressful...working on not being soo stressed and reading up on GD too. Playful parenting will be my next book. Right now I'm reading,"Unconditional Parenting". Its nice to have support on this issue.


RayRay

Life Learning Momma to DS17, DS16,DS9jumpers.gifas well a dog, a cat, two birds...ttc babygirl.gif homeschool.gifnamaste.gif
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#67 of 85 Old 08-31-2005, 12:59 AM
 
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I TOTALLY lose it sometimes when for some reason or another they won't nap. Meaning, I feel like I want to yell, or I get snappy.

I think even before kids, I reaaaally just craved peace and quiet.Sometimes now, when they sleep, I just sit there, like a zombie:LOLSoaking in the quiet....I love to knit or read, or excersise and find that it really helps me get centered so when they wake up I too am refreshed. Thankfully I USUALLY get them to nap at the same time.

Due with number 5 in August. We do all that crunchy stuff.
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#68 of 85 Old 08-31-2005, 10:12 AM
 
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Oh dear!!!! I am subscribing to this thread...

I have the worst temper and always have. It's horrible. I'm very ashamed, but I feel like I can't stop it. (Excuses, excuses) I wasn't raised this way. In fact, my mom visited for 4 days last month & I was - jealous? - I can't describe it - at how patient and loving she was to my son. I want & need to be like that.

BUT - I am truly working on it. I hate that I do it. This thread has already given me some great ideas.

Thanks!

Laura
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#69 of 85 Old 09-01-2005, 11:39 PM
 
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I am another mama with a very short temper. My parents both had extremely short fuses as well, and I think their parents may have been even worse. I remember one time when I was 16 or 17 my dad was yelling at me and suddenly he just attacked me. I ran to the corner of my room and crouched down in a ball, my mom ran between us as he reached around her and lashed out at my head. That type of thing wasn't the norm, but both of them were guilty of it occasionally. I know, and knew then, that they didn't feel good about treating me this way, but I think sometimes they simply couldn't control themselves, or just didn't work hard enough at it. I always try to remember how I felt when my dad did that to me when I am on the edge of doing or saying something awful.

For me, CONTROL is my most difficult issue. I had none of it as a child and as a result I am a huge control freak. Feeling like I have no control over ds is a big trigger for me. I have just started reading Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and it has helped me so much with this. It goes into detail about why controlling children is a really undesirable thing. It has released me from feeling like I must always have control over my son. It also has reminded me that instead of getting caught up in the moment, I must step back and remember what my ultimate goals for my children are. Are the things I'm saying and doing a reflection of those goals?

Quote:
I think one thing that is hard to understand or accept if you are a short fused person is that it can be hard to want to control yourself once you are in the heat of the moment. That sounds odd, probably, but a lot of times when I am angry I have to force myself to want to stop. Does that make sense?
Yes, absolutely. Once I get to a certain point it is so difficult to make myself back down. So I try to start talking myself down before my temper starts to sizzle. But that's not always easy either, and there are times when my temper catches me by surprise.

Quote:
Frame a picture of your child when they were a tiny baby. Put it in a very visible place (or put one in every room). Look at it when you are getting frustrated or angry with them. Remember how helpless and innocent they were then. Look back at your kid and find that innocence in them again. This works great for partners too. Find a picture of your partner when they were babies. Because unless your partner is truly evil, most day to day mishaps in relationships are worked thru better when you can see the innocence in your mate.
Great idea, I'm going to do this.

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#70 of 85 Old 09-02-2005, 11:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by roseselene
me too.....a little short on patience sometimes. I yell way more than I want to. I've really been trying to work on it. Sometimes. the kids make you so crazy though. Sometimes I wonder how anyone keeps their cool.

I was just thinking after me and dh both just yelles at 2.9 ds to get down from the railing on patio how all the mom's do it and keep their cool. after it happened i could see how we scared him and I went to talk to him andhe sobbed in my arms. his little heart was beating so fast i felt like such an ass...... yes it was a dangerous place but we should have got off our butts and gentley taken him down. this week i have had such a short fuse and been so over tired (baby7 month ds very active been crawling since 6 months) i have not been the best i can be and I have a great kid. it is just a nasty ugly cycle that starts, i just totaly broke down and then turned on MDC.

I am reading unconditional parenting and loving it but I have not reached the solutions yet. i feel like i either say "i do not want you to do that" or yell(less often), or talk him down till he is so parent deaf. Tonight i thought maybe i will just say yes to everything unless he is harming himself or others. a little experiment if you will .I am also goingt to post this on my fridge form Kohn's book:

be reflective
reconsider your request
keep you eye on long term goals
RESPECT!
be authentic
talk less, ask more (love this one)
keep their ages in mind
attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts
don't stick to you no's in unnececessarily.
don't be rigid (old school)
don't be in a hurry (of course not they grow up fast enough)

I hope Mr. Kohn does'nt mind , it is a compliment

good luck mama's thanks for the support
Amy
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#71 of 85 Old 09-02-2005, 11:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by PuppyFluffer
I'd like to make the point that you can't easily do what you don't know.


Walk out of the room and take a breath.

Frame a picture of your child when they were a tiny baby. Put it in a very visible place (or put one in every room). Look at it when you are getting frustrated or angry with them. Remember how helpless and innocent they were then. Look back at your kid and find that innocence in them again. This works great for partners too. Find a picture of your partner when they were babies. Because unless your partner is truly evil, most day to day mishaps in relationships are worked thru better when you can see the innocence in your mate.

Scoop your child up and walk outside. The change of environment really works to cool kids off. Distract with birds in trees, pretty colored cars going by flowers, the wind....

Find time to be alone. Don't house clean when your child takes a nap. Take a nap with them! Brew some nice tea and read a magazine. Do something you love, if only for a few moments. It really is important to give back to yourself because if your batteries are not recharged, then you can't give to your family in the best way.
Love these ideas
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#72 of 85 Old 09-03-2005, 12:00 AM
 
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Thanks for this thread :

Lisa: Homeschooling Mum of ds, 8 and dd, 6
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#73 of 85 Old 09-03-2005, 01:23 AM
 
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Originally Posted by hipumpkins
I haven't read the whole thread but count me in!

The big thing is bedtime...Now after PJs, tooth brushing and stories I leave her room and she is allowed to play on her bed and can call me when she is drowsy and ready to be quiet and sleep. This gives me time to finish around the house as she doesn't nap during the day and trying to clean is difficult and causes me guilt for not keeping the place clean and more guilt for wanting to clean when I should be playing with her or whatever.
Anyway...Thanks for posting this thread I really needed it. I am going back now to read the rest of the posts.

count me in as well have mot read whole thread but a lot is hitting home. bedtime is the worst for us 7 months ds goes down then in most nights when i almost have 2.9 ds asleep my baby wakes up and only wants mama and toddler inly wants mama. my toddler drags out the bedtime routine and i love to lay with him but we wre in this terrible cycle. how so you know when your toddler is ready to put themself to bed ? I feel pulled apart they both need me then i bring toddler in with the babe and he is loud plays with babe won't settle and i get grumpy. i am trying really hard to be reasonable and positive but iam also tired and need some time w/DH . I also NEED exercise hiked today on in jogger one in bak-pak . love the am yoga idea while they paly or eat etc... i need yoga back in my life in ! gettin to a class is my goal once a week, why is it sooooo hard ? any sleep suggestions?

thanks
tia wife to DH since 1998, artist, activist , SAHM to 12/11/02 intact ds Diego , 1/23/05 intact ds Niko, co sleeping natural family living
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#74 of 85 Old 09-05-2005, 12:23 AM
 
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Here.
Today I spanked my son (31 mos) in anger for the first time. Often I've said "I'm gonna spank you! Spank spank!" and he thinks it's so funny and it's a great punishment because we both think it's funny. But today I was so irritated because he dumped out his HUGE thing of legos all over the living room and refused to clean them up, he wouldn't pick up even a single one.
Time-outs do NOT work for us at all so I don't even try anymore, and so today I lost it and said "Clean up your legos or I am going to really spank you hard!" He said okay and laid down with his butt up and I spanked him really hard and the whole time he was laughing so hard!!! I thought I must have overestimated the force I used but I looked and his butt was bright red- :
I just can't believe I hit my son so hard, and I especially can't believe it didn't "work". He just laughed at me and continued to refuse to put his legos up, so I told him "fine, I'll put them up and then we'll give them to some kid who can clean them up when they're done playing" and cleaned them up and put them by the door. THAT made him really upset so I told him he could have them back if he'd clean his room.
I am just sooooo sick of feeling like my kid is a brat- he yells, whines, doesn't do a single thing when asked, and is in general just unpleasant much of the time. I do not have the patience to deal with him nicely but yelling is not getting us anywhere.
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#75 of 85 Old 09-05-2005, 10:22 AM
 
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this week was not good. not good at all. turns out that i was pms-ing, so that was part of it. the hurricane devastation is twisting me too- reminiscent of post 9-11 stress & anxiety. i upped my lexapro (i've been taking 1/2 a pill for a while but this week i'm back up to a whole one) & that helped too. I had a full-out yelling day on thursday. dd & i were just *at* each other all day.

the really weird thing is i'm suddenly thinking of ttc #2 what is that all about??? 1/2 the time i think i shouldn't have more than 1 b/c i'm already like a pressure cooker so often. then again, dd wouldn't have to bear the brunt of my stress if there was another one. ugh, i don't know what i think.

some strategies that work for me/us:

my new year's resolution was to learn to meditate b/c i'm so hyper & restless this cd has been really helpful. if anyone has other guided meditation sources, please share.

after watching desperate housewives : dh & i came up with a safety word. telling him i was feeling overwhelmed wasn't getting through to him. now i say "boise" :LOL (if you saw the episode of them discussing bondage & s&m, it was pretty funny). using a set word works on his end to realize i'm not feeling rational or in control.

using her nap time to be completely unproductive. i've recently caught up on my reruns of the final season of buffy. i surf the net. i read. i lay around. i don't clean- it can wait.

that's all i can think of for now. thanks again for this thread!!
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#76 of 85 Old 09-05-2005, 04:28 PM
 
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subscribing
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#77 of 85 Old 09-07-2005, 12:41 AM
 
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to everyone on this thread including myself and our dfamilies!

I'm really getting a lot out of this thread (I hope I can remember to do some of it). Also, it just feels good to know I'm not alone in my struggles.

I like the suggestion of being "unproductive" during nap times.

Another thing I thought of that seems to help somewhat is when I'm nursing DD to sleep, I consciously let go of plans I have for when she falls asleep, I try to just relax deeply and follow my breath and her breath. Because when I'm not planning the next thing, I'm less anxious if she's not going to sleep "when I want." Does that make sense?
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#78 of 85 Old 09-07-2005, 12:59 AM
 
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[QUOTE=hottmama]Here.
Today I spanked my son (31 mos) in anger for the first time. Often I've said "I'm gonna spank you! Spank spank!" and he thinks it's so funny and it's a great punishment because we both think it's funny. But today I was so irritated because he dumped out his HUGE thing of legos all over the living room and refused to clean them up, he wouldn't pick up even a single one.
Time-outs do NOT work for us at all so I don't even try anymore, and so today I lost it and said "Clean up your legos or I am going to really spank you hard!" He said okay and laid down with his butt up and I spanked him really hard and the whole time he was laughing so hard!!! I thought I must have overestimated the force I used but I looked and his butt was bright red- :


I have not spanked but I do sometimes yell and I hate myself after it truly is useless. I read you "lego story " and I am sorry but I :LOL was LOL. You should re read it . Your DS is very smart ! Who cares if he dumps the legos out on the floor that is what there for , right mom ? I know it is a mess and you will be involved in the clean up but at least it wasn't a cup of grape juice on white carpet , haha. I am trying not to be so rigid and let him play how he wnats to w/ his toys as long as it is not unsafe. Yes there are some other rules, but i will not bore you. My DS 2.9 year brought a shoe full of tiny pea gravel in and dumped it on the floor today , probably cuz i was nursing his brother. I was just about to loose it instead i counted to five took out the broom swept them in to a pile and gave him a bowl to put the rocks in . He refused for awhile I just kept loving saying we need to pick them up so no one slips and I will help you.Within 5 min the rocks were back in the yard. sorry why i am going on and on . I guess my point is I am trying to just slow down and not make everything such a big deal . It seems to be helping
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#79 of 85 Old 09-07-2005, 11:07 AM
 
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Me too. raised in a horrid home with abuse of every kind, my purpose in life is to break the cycle with my own child. But I yell, more than I should. I told her to tell me "Don't yell at me mommy" and that helps, but it's not her responsibility to control my emotions, it's mine. The one thing I have found that helps diffuse us both is a big hug. When she is freaking out and I am on the edge of losing it (I feel my blood starting to boil) I get on my knees and ask her for a hug. She stops freaking out and so do I.

I read the most excellent book - it's called "She's Gonna Blow - real help for moms dealing with anger." Although written from a Christian perspective, it is full of humor and insight and help for every mom. There was a story in there of this woman who was exhausted and wanted to nap and her 2 YO DD kept getting out of bed and she just lost it. She violentyl picked her DD up and threw her across the room to her bed, where she missed the bed and hit the wall. This woman realized what was happening -she was abusing her child. I cried for an hour after reading this because I did something similar to my DD. She REFUSED to put on her shirt OR let me help her do it and we had to get out of the house. Tempers started to flare - hers and mine - and so without even thinking I grabbed my DD and slammed her on the floor - I saw the look of terror in her eyes - she was afraid of me in the moment. I still feel terrible about that and it was over a year ago. I have not touched her again. If only I had the hug technique back then...

So I try to avoid situations where i know I am short fused - trying to rush out of the house - we start earlier now. When I am tired I simply tell her mommy needs some time out OK? It's great that she is now old enough to understand.

I am pregnant now and it actually scares the crap out of me - being a mom to 2.
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#80 of 85 Old 09-08-2005, 06:32 AM
 
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YES, I have a short fuse!

I don't always yell, but lemme tell you, I get "annoyed" too often. This means yelling without being loud. I found it fascinating (and not in a good way) to note my reactions today. For example, DD and I were playing. All of a sudden, she swung her stuffed animals and almost hit the baby with them. She didn't try to hit the baby on purpose, but my tone changed IMMEDIATELY. I immediately started in on her with the guilt and the OMG attitude.

I woke up tonight with this realization . . .I don't let my daughter make too many mistakes without guilt. I have become increasingly aware that this was exactly how I was raised-- controlled and manipulated by guilt. Sadly, my mom doesn't even realize it. Just the other day she was telling my sister how terrible it is to use guilt and how it has such lasting effects. Yet, she uses this tactic regularly.

Guilt. Such an ugly thing.

 2/02, 4/05, 2/07, 11/09, and EDD 12/25/11 wave.gif

 

 

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#81 of 85 Old 09-08-2005, 06:43 AM
 
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Just wanted to pop in with one thing that has been helping me lately - I've been adjusting my expectations. I had a friend who would always say, "It's all about expectations." Well, it's so true, and it's helping me reduce my overall stress, which makes it easier for me to stay calm.

We're having a fence put in, but we never know when the contractor will be here working on it. It was driving me crazy, but I've let it go. I don't expect him to come. That way if he doesn't, I don't freak out, and if he does, then I'm happy.

DD had sort of a rough day yesterday, so I prepared myself to let DH worry about dinner, let the laundry go, etc. and give her my full attention when we got home if she needed it. It made it much more fun to sit and read to her knowing that I this was what I had decided to do and that it was OK that the other things weren't being done.

Don't know if this will help anyone else, but I'm finding it to be a good technique for my general mental health!

Katherine, mama to Emma Kate (7) and Griffin (3)

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#82 of 85 Old 09-09-2005, 11:08 PM
 
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Thanks for having this thread. I can deal really calmly,using all my "tools" and then I just lose it at other times. Growing up my mother "YELLED" and I remeber thinking it was as bad as hitting me. I thought I wuld NEVER yell like I do at times. Before children I was very calm, easy going, etc.
Man, some days are better than others,but when your 3 year old yells when he is upset at you and sounds just like you, WOW....
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#83 of 85 Old 09-12-2005, 02:53 PM
 
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moved myself to new thread.
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#84 of 85 Old 09-13-2005, 10:58 PM
 
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I feel your pain (mommy of 1, 19 month boy) Its very hard for me sometimes to not lose it. I dont want to yell or spank..... I have found sometimes I just let him scream and have his fits. I leave the room while this is going on. He gets it out of his system and I stay close enough he doesnt hurt himself and Im not there to watch the ugly fit I do a lot of praying. Because God really is the only one who really knows what you are going though! This is a great outlet Im glad I found you guys!
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#85 of 85 Old 09-14-2005, 01:38 AM
 
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I've been dealing with this a lot lately and it comforts me immensely to see that other moms who strive to be "gentle" deal with it too. I definitely am impatient and short-fused as a person sometimes. I yell when I get stressed out, when it's too noisy or I feel not listened to and consequently disrespected. That's a hot button for me, but duh, little kids are gonna do that stuff, so I'm learning to not take it personally and catch my anger before it grows too much and to discipline more calmly.
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