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#61 of 80 Old 09-08-2005, 08:57 PM
 
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I am the mama of three small children and it is a world of difference than when I had one child. Their personalities are all so different and I am being pulled in so many directions at once. That's all I want to say.
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#62 of 80 Old 09-08-2005, 09:26 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
I wasn't trying to upset the op and I am sorry if I did. I just put in my opinion (isn't that what this board is for, DIFFERING as well as similar opinions on certain things, or are we all meant to agree 100% of the time?) that I didn't feel that situation fell under GD...that is my personal opinion. I think using words like "dissapointed" are very manipulative and celebrating that you shamed your child into near tears, promising to try not to dissapoint you again (essentially)... is not GD...sorry, I stand by that. Many of you have said "no she is celebrating that her child learned a lesson,not that she was upset" -- but that to me, is exactly what she was celebrating at the bottom of it-- that her daughter got upset for dissapointing her...because we won't really know if she "learned the lesson" until she never runs down a ramp again will we?

You just don't get it, do you?

This mama is not rejoicing in the fact that her child "learned a lesson"-
She stated, clear as day, that she was proud of herself for holding her temper.
Yes, this is a discussion board, and, yes, opinions are shared, but yours was shared in a rather judgemental way, both in this post as well as your previous one. How would you feel if someone posted on your threads explaining everything you did wrong, and why they disagree with you?
The OP wasn't asking for your blessing on her actions. She's not going to get bracelets made that say WWCCD? Perhaps we could just rejoice with her, or keep your "opinion" (which in this case just seems like another word for "judgement") to yourself?

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#63 of 80 Old 09-08-2005, 09:42 PM
 
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#64 of 80 Old 09-08-2005, 10:20 PM
 
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I remember when I had only one small child. It was so easy to see other parents and pass judgments on the way they delt with their children. I really thought I knew all. I had a degree in early childhood education, I had worked with many children, and I was going to do it all right, all the time!

Then my one baby grew up and started walking and talking, and then I had another baby, and by older child was now running and sceaming...life became much less clear cut, and I became much less judgmental, and life with one child started to feel like a vacation. I'm sure moms of 3, 4,5 and more children could say the same thing about having only 2.

Children are hard, parenting can be darn near impossible many days.

I too would rejoice if I was able to keep my calm when I really wanted to loose it.
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#65 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 12:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scrappingmom
APmom98.... as a mother of soon to be 10(human children )

You have 10 kids?

~Nay

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#66 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 09:01 AM
 
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I really appreciate learning about GD from more experienced mothers, or even from mothers who are experiencing something similar with their own children. The rest is just Monday-morning quarterbacking.
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#67 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 10:31 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AbigailsMomSarah
I remember when I had only one small child. It was so easy to see other parents and pass judgments on the way they delt with their children. I really thought I knew all. I had a degree in early childhood education, I had worked with many children, and I was going to do it all right, all the time!

Then my one baby grew up and started walking and talking, and then I had another baby, and by older child was now running and sceaming...life became much less clear cut, and I became much less judgmental, and life with one child started to feel like a vacation. I'm sure moms of 3, 4,5 and more children could say the same thing about having only 2.

Children are hard, parenting can be darn near impossible many days.

I too would rejoice if I was able to keep my calm when I really wanted to loose it.
This is expressed so well, AbigailsmomSarah. I honestly considered myself an expert when I had one twenty month old daughter. :LOL My judgement of others knew no bounds, though I tried to have the decency not to express it. I now have only two daughters, and my parenting mentors are mamas with three or more kids of boys and girls.
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#68 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 11:49 AM
 
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APMom - i'm proud of your ability to calm yourself, ignore some instincts i think most of us have, express yourself in a calm manner, and get through to your 3yo!! it could have escalated into something much louder/more stressful/less productive. you did it!! it'll only get better and better from here!! examine your OWN heart about the words you use. if you feel that it gets the message across that YOU are trying to send, use them. if it doesn't, don't. only YOU can own that decision.

and about the other snarky stuff:

i have to wonder...at what point do we cease to be normal, fallable mothers/parents and just become automotons who don't allow ourselves to feel or *god forbid* express raw emotions around our children? i'm all for examining my own behavior...i'm an introspective person. but i'll be danged if i'm gonna pick apart every single sentence that i ever utter to my child and censor myself to the point where i'm barely alive. sometimes it seems like many threads on here are about nitpicking and setting up ridiculous expectations for normal moms who are LIVING LIFE while raising children as well.

i agree that experience changes us. my son is 2.5 and boy am i humbled. it's one thing to live a life of conviction and principles, which i believe most of us do. it's quite another to be inflexible in those convictions and unwavering in its application to our own and others' lives. we are all going to mess up, we are all going to disappoint ourselves, we are all going to have moments that could have been handled better. the victories occur when we are able to escape those moments. it's not as valuable to me to never fail as it is to fail and improve oneself. to recognize our own faults and our own counterproductive instincts and work actively to prevent the pitfalls we recognizein our own lives. APMom was in a tight spot. Her nerves were frayed and her kids were being challenging for whatever reason. We've all been there, and we all will be there again. I don't find it valuable to proclaim her decisions as counter to our very varied interpretations of GD or even just good parenting in general. Rather, can we not all reflect on how this could be us and how we can use APMom as an example of collecting oneself and making positive decisions about our behavior? Can we not see her success as relative to her own experience? She avoided a pitfall that she has identified in her OWN life. Even if you disagree with her ultimate strategy, can you not see it as an improvement over what COULD have happened? The poor decisions we have ALL made in our own lives?

again, success is not about never failing. it's about recognizing those failures and learning from them. by that definition, no matter WHAT you feel about the words she chose, APMom's is a story of success.
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#69 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 11:49 AM
 
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i was pretty excited for the OP !
and in a way i can see what captain crunchy is saying too, we don't want to manipulate our kids but i'm not entirely convinced it applies to the OP.

i have said to my kids that "i am disappointed in your behaviour" and i'm not too sure what i think about it. one the one hand, owning my own feelings by using I statements is more a reflection of me, and less of them, and secondly, when my kids are doing things they have been repeatedly asked NOT to (for whatever reason, safety, we're in a hurry, it's hurting someone etc etc) - and we're talking 5 times in the last 5 minutes to stop - then yes, i feel disappointed that they aren't listening.

i think it's good to express our feelings in a constructive way, we need to teach our kids it's okay to have feelings that are not all positive and that we can share them in a way that doesn't have to 'hurt' another person, and kids do need to realize that their action does impact other people and sometimes, it does impact others in a negative manner.

and you know, we are all human, i know i don't live up to the ideals of GD by any means even though i do my best. it was a lot easier when it was myself and my dd, now with 4 kids and a husband who works out of town 7 out of 12 days (which means an exhausted mama), you gotta celebrate the small successes because they are important and they inspire you to keep trying and have hope.

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#70 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 12:51 PM
 
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#71 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 01:25 PM
 
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Here is my take on the sentence the OP used...

"If you run down that ramp I will be disappointed in you"...manipulation..you are using your emotions to try to get a result..manipulating the situation

"I am disappointed in you" said after she ran down the ramp...an expression of how you feel but not manipulation, after all there is nothing to be gained...manipulation requires you are trying to get something by your actions.

The child understood and felt bad for her actions...I think that's good...people who don't understand how their actions affect others have a disadvantage. Mama expressed her emotions calmly and child expressed her emotions, they discussed it, the felt better after it and a lesson was learned by both...maybe the child will run down the ramp again, maybe she won't, doesn't matter..it was still a good lesson.

I think it was a good thing AP Mama..wtg!
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#72 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 01:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inezyv
This is expressed so well, AbigailsmomSarah. I honestly considered myself an expert when I had one twenty month old daughter. :LOL My judgement of others knew no bounds, though I tried to have the decency not to express it.
:

It is so easy to judge when you haven't been there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleMiller
i have to wonder...at what point do we cease to be normal, fallable mothers/parents and just become automotons who don't allow ourselves to feel or *god forbid* express raw emotions around our children? i'm all for examining my own behavior...i'm an introspective person. but i'll be danged if i'm gonna pick apart every single sentence that i ever utter to my child and censor myself to the point where i'm barely alive. sometimes it seems like many threads on here are about nitpicking and setting up
: You know what, a long time ago I saw a thread here where a mother was saying that she refused to ever get upset or be affected by her daughter's behavior. She said that her daughter was screaming at her to "Get mad at me!" and to get angry and she would just smile and refuse to get upset. She got a lot of praise for it but honestly it really freaked me out. This girl is crying out for her mother to show some *real* emotion. She's specifically telling her mother this and she still gets totally fake behavior. This is not normal. Children deserve to see us real and raw. While I completely see the benefit of us needing to keep our tempers in check and work to be gentle I think there is an extreme of being totally fake and untrue to our emotions that can actually damage our children.

Quote:
Originally Posted by allgirls
"I am disappointed in you" said after she ran down the ramp...an expression of how you feel but not manipulation, after all there is nothing to be gained...manipulation requires you are trying to get something by your actions.
I think actually she said "I'm dissapointed that you didn't listen to me." I do think that's a lot different. Dissapointed in the action rather than the person.
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#73 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 02:37 PM
 
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APmom98: Isn't it funny that one little post can spark so much thinking, tons of discussion and the presentation of so many pov? : :LOL
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#74 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 02:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jacksmama
APmom98: Isn't it funny that one little post can spark so much thinking, tons of discussion and the presentation of so many pov? : :LOL
yet another way that hers is a story of success.
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#75 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 04:56 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaAllNatural
:

I think actually she said "I'm dissapointed that you didn't listen to me." I do think that's a lot different. Dissapointed in the action rather than the person.
yep...that's right...and that is different than disappointed in you...guess I read that too fast.
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#76 of 80 Old 09-09-2005, 07:14 PM
 
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i only have one babe right now, but have had this same situation when my 3 stepkids were young! i think you did a great job

did anyone else notice the part where she's starting to drive out of the parking space, but STOPS, pulls back in, gets out of her seat, and GOES to her daughter? that to me is the heart of AP. it doesn't matter to me which GD technique, of the many out there, the OP used. it matters to me that she and her daughter are so closely attached that she simply could not drive off when her daughter was crying.

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#77 of 80 Old 09-10-2005, 09:08 AM
 
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***Brilliant***

[QUOTE=michelemiller]
i have to wonder...at what point do we cease to be normal, fallable mothers/parents and just become automotons who don't allow ourselves to feel or *god forbid* express raw emotions around our children? i'm all for examining my own behavior...i'm an introspective person. but i'll be danged if i'm gonna pick apart every single sentence that i ever utter to my child and censor myself to the point where i'm barely alive. sometimes it seems like many threads on here are about nitpicking and setting up ridiculous expectations for normal moms who are LIVING LIFE while raising children as well.

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#78 of 80 Old 09-12-2005, 03:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by APMom98
We use phrases like "Where are our listening ears today?" and make a big game out of looking in our mouths, under our feet, in our tummy, to find our ears when we're not listening...After we find our listening ears, we put them on our head, really tightly, then repeat the request. They do it to me, if I'm distracted (reading posts on MDC, for example ) And I don't respond quickly, they'll say "Mommy, are you wearing your listening ears?" "No, honey, I wasn't....let's see if I can find them...oh here they are, I forgot them under my left foot.....okay, they are on now, I'm sorry, could you please repeat yourself?" It's our way of making sure that we're being heard in a lighthearted manner.
I love this! I tried it with my dd this weekend and it was so great!!!!!!!
When she was ignoring me (its much more fun to dump out 50lbs of dog food) I said "Sydney, are you wearing your listening ears?" She puts her little hands up to her ears, twists the air a bit then says "okay, now Im listening" So when I said "its time to pick up the dog food" we scooped it up together.

Thanks for sharing this!!!!
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#79 of 80 Old 09-12-2005, 09:01 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charmarty
I am wondering when this pissing contest is going to stop captain crunchy? It's getting really old.


THAT is why I hate coming to this forum. Because of the, your not GD enough BS. I am as gentle as I know how to be. Do I make mistakes? You bet! Don't you?But you can bet, that no matter what mistakes I do or don't make, they are all done with the 100% respect and love of my daughters'. That GD enough for you?
I just came from a seperate thread after responding much the same way you have here. I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks for voicing your opinion. It has occured to me that as AP parents we feel we should praise the good, and gently find a way to discipline the undesirable, but we certainally don't follow these guidelines when we address one another. Shouldn't we RESPECT & LOVINGLY SUPPORT all of earth's creatures who make an effort to conciously give 100% in every way they know how. EVOLVE DAMNIT!!!!!
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#80 of 80 Old 09-12-2005, 09:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaOui
I am the mama of three small children and it is a world of difference than when I had one child. Their personalities are all so different and I am being pulled in so many directions at once. That's all I want to say.
I remember having my perfect 4yr old,a nd newborn daughters and watching in horror as other mothers franticly yelled, spanked, and pulled their hair out trying to manage 3 or more children. Now that I ma expecting my 4th babe, and have met the challanges of the 3 little personalities of my own children I think back, and laugh. It is SOOOO very different meeting the needs of 3 very different little spirits now 8,4, & 2. I strive to practice GENTLE LOVING discipline, or redirection for them when I am at my witts end, but sometimes fall short of my own expectations. In the end I ma sure of one thing we are family A REAL FAMILY of diverse ideas, needs, and passions. They are learning so much by living this life with one another,a nd I thank GOD, or what ever for lending me this opportunity to DO MY BEST, and learn so much from souls so young.
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