help me stop yelling - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 203 Old 10-12-2007, 03:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mumm View Post
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When I've even asked my 5 year old "What can I do to help you listen so that we can all be safe in this space?' His reply is "Get up close and yell really loud!, then I listen."

This is hard work we are doing.
sorry.....

Mom to Ds1 (8 1/2) Ds2 (6) Dd (2 1/2)!!!!
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#122 of 203 Old 10-12-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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To the op, I've been there, done that, and occasionally still do. I am also an only child and the sibling dynamics completely throw me through a loop. I've been in therapy since June and I feel that I am 100 times better. I had to let go of the "shoulds" in my life and let go of my expectations for myself and my family. My therapist told me think about how I want my family to look like. What is important to us as a family and not what is important to other people. It's hard living in mainstream world when you have different ideas of what matters. I started getting "what matters" all jumbled up in my head. I didn't know what way was up. Anyway, this probably doesn't pertain to you, but sometimes letting go of some things that may not really matter will help you relax a little.
The other thing she said was that I have panic attacks when my child misbehaves because I don't know how to handle it. Fear moves into anger and then I yell. I need more tools in my toolbox so I don't have panic attacks.
Lastly, listen to Sledg. She has always made complete sense to me and her posts have always been helpful.
It is a journey and an evolution.
Love yourself, take a deep breath, you are a good mom and learn to know that.
Good luck!
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#123 of 203 Old 10-12-2007, 10:54 PM
 
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Ok, now I feel like a dork. I didn't realize the op was in 12/05!! Anyway, hopefully my post will speak to someone
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#124 of 203 Old 10-13-2007, 04:21 PM
 
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This is a wonderful thread, no matter how old it is!

Liz~A wife and homeschooling mother to two gifts from God!
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#125 of 203 Old 10-13-2007, 04:25 PM
 
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I have just seen your post. i did NOT read all the replies, so i don't know if this was suggested. it is a book

screamfree parenting. even if you're NOT a screaming kind of parent but wish you were more calm, etc all the time when responding to your children, it's a GREAT book. I borrowed it from the library lately and plan on reading it again it has that much 'good' stuff in it.

of course, each reader's view may vary, but thought i'd put it out htere. it was not hard to read in 2 minute spurts (pee time, lol). and keep up with the thoughts in it.
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#126 of 203 Old 10-14-2007, 06:10 PM
 
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I yell way too much I've tried Flylady and it didn't work for me. I also read two or three of the books suggested in the past. I know I have needs that are not met, but being a single mom I think makes it more difficult. I think one of the biggest of issues would be the house a mess and me being the only one picking up. My oldest still has accidents at night and will take his clothes off and leave them on the floor and his bed/blankets wet. He'll then make meals and leave a mess in the kitchen and where ever else he eats. He's 11 and I feel like he's old enough to pick up his own messes and help a little more. I've tried to tell him how upsetting it is for me..even the other day I was so stressed because while he was at school a lady came over for my landlord and wanted to come in and look at all the windows in my house to possibly change some of them and I say to her that my house is a mess and I just can't let her in right then and there. She says, "I know, I've had my house a little messy sometimes" LOL she had no IDEA! She agreed to give me 45mins..and it was such a stressful 45 min! My son had apparently had food in the living room the night before and there was dishes, lemon halves,sharp knife, raisins (that it looks like one of the younger ones dumped) all over the floor. My son had peed his bed and left it and as I picked up the room found peed on clothes about grr...The cat pooped on a towel in the bathroom that my son had left on the floor(apparently the food is bothering her) and I noticed after i stepped on it trying to go to the bathroom..but I'm going on and not meaning to take over this post
Anyway I'm looking into Meditation(got a book and cd set from a garage sale). Anyone have any luck with meditation helping with anger and yelling?

RayRay~

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#127 of 203 Old 10-14-2007, 09:27 PM
 
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I think meditation can be really helpful...even if just to stop myself from acting and just focusing on my breath for a few seconds. I think I often yell when I don't make the effort to filter myself...when I'm on autopilot. Meditation also doesn't have to be such a hard thing...you can just stop where you are and take deep breaths, focusing on your breath. This can slow you down and give you a little reset to come back to the situation with a little more reserves.
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#128 of 203 Old 10-17-2007, 04:17 PM
 
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I think that being conscious of the fact that you are yelling and that it disturbs you is a start. Bc you want to change. I believe some people don't even know what their dynamic is with their children. It is something we ingrain into our psyche for whatever reason, and we have to become aware of it...then treat it. Like trying some of these wonderful pieces of advice. I am desparately trying to be more gentle and calm and not yell. I felt as though I was doing well with not yelling...and then ds all of a sudden changed over night and has started hitting his 9 month old brother, and being defiant with me. So, I in turn re-act (that is the problem). But, I just see ds hitting my other ds and it burns me. Everyday, I have to take deep breaths. And pray.
good thread, necessary thread.
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#129 of 203 Old 10-17-2007, 05:45 PM
 
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I've been learning a lot from this thread.
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#130 of 203 Old 10-24-2007, 03:10 AM
 
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I've enjoyed reading this thread. I checked out Cheri Huber. As soon as I can, I will order the self-hatred book as it was written especially for me, dontcha know?

I've done a lot of work on myself since my first daughter was born 7 1/2 years ago. I started out a sloppy Buddhist. I discovered GD, then TCS, then NVC, then Scott Noelle, and all the rest. Now I'm UU Buddhist who practices a bit better, but still not consistently well. I do okay with the girls, I think. I get cranky only when I'm tired and/or over-stimulated.

But here I am back in the two year-old phase -- and it's kicking my butt again. I know ALL about why two year-olds do what they do. I have all the intellectual understanding I need. I see my patterns, recognize when I'm getting tense, etc. But it just ain't helpin' much. This is total irrationality and it triggers me like nothing else. I grew up in a very unpredictable household, and I recognize that this irrationality triggers my need for things to be predictable -- and my fear that they won't be.

I do not want to freak out on my 2 year-old. And I especially don't want to teach my 7 1/2 year old that mamas freak out on their 2 year-olds!

Some of it has to do with a currently stressful living situation, but I still need to find the calm within.

Some things that got me going yesterday (going but not freaking -- yet):

The 2 year-old wanted to sit next to us on the couch. So I moved the cushions so she could. This made her freak out for several minutes. Then she calmed down, but when she tried to sit next to me she started to freak again as if there wasn't enough room for her. I couldn't see the problem, though I realize there was one for her.

She asked me to cut her food (used the word "cut") then, when I did, freaked out because I cut her food.

Now I can't think of the myriad of other examples (to prove that it does pass quickly). But, basically, all stuff like that where she asks for something then freaks out when I give it to her. Or I don't give her the right bowl or the right cup. I remember it all from when the 7 1/2 year-old was 2. Same stuff.

I want so much to not let it get to me. None of it affects me personally, does it? It doesn't hurt me physically. So why can't I just let it go?

Bedtime is getting rough too. I so do not want her to associate bedtime with bad feelings. She didn't sleep for two years. Now I just have to lay with her and she'll sleep all night. But the laying with her is getting longer and longer. I never had this problem of urgency before (like I have to go wash the dishes or whatever). But right now I can't stand the chatting and the moving around for half an hour.

Sigh. Any words of wisdom for "being with" this stage?
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#131 of 203 Old 10-24-2007, 11:57 AM
 
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A few things help me be with this stage. One is to remember that nothing is permanent. So maybe she's freaking out now that I cut her food, but she will stop freaking out. (And so maybe she did want me to cut her food, but that desire was impermanent so now she doesn't want it cut. )

Another is to find the humor. This is so important. And it's hard to do sometimes.

Another is to really imagine things from my child's point of view. So maybe I don't know why she's freaking out about sitting next to me on the couch and that's frustrating. Imagine what it's like for her to feel so strongly about something and not be able to communicate it in a way that others understand, and to not be able to resolve the problem because of that. Really imagining things from their point of view, really trying to put myself in their shoes and understand what's going on in them, helps me stay calm, helps me respond compassionately. Takes me out of myself and what I'm annoyed about, helps us connect. And usually, it helps me see a solution.

It helps to get in touch with what I'm needing. If I feel annoyed b/c it's taking so long for my child to settle at bedtime while I lay with her (btdt), it helps to become aware of why. Maybe I'm needing some quiet time alone to recharge (usually). Maybe I'm worried she won't get enough sleep and she'll be cranky the next day (which is rough on everyone). This helps because I'm then separating what I'm feeling from what my kid is doing, which helps me think about how to meet my needs and helps me see more clearly what's going on for my kid and help her. Usually the end result is that I feel less annoyed, more hopeful, more creative, more calm, more able to just roll with it.

And it really helps to look into that little face and remember that they won't always be little like this. It does pass, and there is so much to enjoy about this time of their lives. One day they won't want to be cuddled to sleep anymore. And I'll miss that. It helps to look into that little face and realize how little they are. Even with my 8 year old, it helps to look into her face and realize that she has only been living on this planet for 8 short years. She's so young. There is so much she still doesn't understand, doesn't know, isn't proficient at. It just helps me make sure my expectations are reasonable. And it gives me warm fuzzies.

It also helps to focus on my children as people and on our relationship, more than on the behavior.

Sometimes, when I can't let things go, it's just that I want things to be easy. I'm tense or stressed, and I just wish I could cut the freakin' food the right way the first time and have a quiet meal because I'm needing a little easing of my stress. Sometimes I can't let it go because I think somehow being able to control things will alleviate my fears, it's so easy to respond to stress by seeking control. There are so many reasons why things get to me and I have trouble letting them go. But usually once I get in touch with what it is that's preventing me from letting go, I'm able to let go. So sometimes, it helps just to pause and listen-not just to my child but to the thoughts whizzing around in my brain (we have so many that we're barely aware of-they're so automatic).
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#132 of 203 Old 10-24-2007, 02:28 PM
 
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I was, of course, hoping you would respond, Sledg.

Before I comment, I'd like to say that after I wrote it all down here (which, of course, helped) I sat down and meditated more deeply on the situation.

The first thing I came up with is that I need to improve my diet. I don't eat processed foods, thank goodness, but I do consume way too much coffee and sugar right now. I got hooked on coffee this summer while visiting my mom. And I eat sugar when I haven't made lunch for myself. I have far less patience when I'm jittery from caffeine -- not too mention it's just bad for me. So today instead of replenishing my coffee stash, I bought some special green tea for myself (I don't like my husband's).

Then I tried to think about where I was just weeks ago when I was wishing dd2 would stay 2 forever! That got me back into the right mindset.

I also spent time reading some articles by Cheri Huber.

So today was very good.

For bedtime, I have generalized anxiety about doing it the right way. If I let her stay up an extra half hour so that's she's actually tired when she comes to bed won't it screw up the whole routine I've worked hard at maintaining (I am not a routine person)? And if I don't get her to sleep won't my dh start to say that I need to let her CIO? He might, but I can deal with that when it comes up. And if I don't get her to sleep won't I miss out on precious time with my dh, who has been at home 1 week out of the last 5?

One thing that has worked, but which is veeerrry hard to do, is practice silence when I'm with her in bed. Everyone should try this! No sshhhh, no "get to sleep" no "NOW." Just silence. It's so hard.

It's funny, Sledg, because most of the time I do see her as a baby who is having trouble falling asleep -- and how would I like to be told to get to sleep when I'm having trouble? But knowing that and, yet, separating that from my own need to get to bed or be with my husband isn't easy.

So far what helps a lot is thinking of my 7 1/2 year old hearing mama put her 2 year-old to sleep.

Thanks for the thoughts!

Quote:
And so maybe she did want me to cut her food, but that desire was impermanent so now she doesn't want it cut. )
Love that! Briggs calls it "me homework" when Twos pull stuff like that. I need to pull out that book and see what she says about how to respond to it.
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#133 of 203 Old 10-24-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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For bedtime, I have generalized anxiety about doing it the right way. If I let her stay up an extra half hour so that's she's actually tired when she comes to bed won't it screw up the whole routine I've worked hard at maintaining (I am not a routine person)? And if I don't get her to sleep won't my dh start to say that I need to let her CIO? He might, but I can deal with that when it comes up. And if I don't get her to sleep won't I miss out on precious time with my dh, who has been at home 1 week out of the last 5?
Yup, been through a lot of that kind of anxiety myself.

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One thing that has worked, but which is veeerrry hard to do, is practice silence when I'm with her in bed. Everyone should try this! No sshhhh, no "get to sleep" no "NOW." Just silence. It's so hard.
It is hard, but once you do it for awhile it becomes a very pleasant activity. Just laying there, enjoying. Of course, it's easier for me to enjoy now b/c no one *needs* me there until they fall asleep.

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It's funny, Sledg, because most of the time I do see her as a baby who is having trouble falling asleep -- and how would I like to be told to get to sleep when I'm having trouble? But knowing that and, yet, separating that from my own need to get to bed or be with my husband isn't easy.
So true that it isn't easy. I face this every single day. Not with bedtime, but with other things. It's hard to see my kid's needs and see them as just kids having a hard time, and separate that from my needs--and find ways to take care of us both without freaking out. It is hard work.

And you know, coffee is so tasty (and so good at perking up a sleepy mom) but so bad for my mood. I definitely have a problem with that.

Glad you had a good day.
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#134 of 203 Old 10-25-2007, 02:02 AM
 
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Sometimes I can't let it go because I think somehow being able to control things will alleviate my fears, it's so easy to respond to stress by seeking control.
I'm going to write this down because you hit the nail on the head. This is what I have been doing. I'm getting much better at stopping and listening but not for the past week and a half. Sometimes when I do stop and listen, however, I still end up trying to seek control. And unfortunately when I have fears I respond with anger. Working on that, too. Apparently I need to stop and listen longer
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#135 of 203 Old 10-25-2007, 03:07 AM
 
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Well, I made it through with only one shhh! I feel so good when I can do this, mostly because my dd1 can fall asleep without the noise of frustration. But the baby fell asleep at 10 (as opposed to by 9 of the past months) and woke up at 8:30. Dd1's on vacation, so it's fine for now.

I mentioned Dorothy Corkille Briggs yesterday. I think I'm just going to have to re-read, for the third or fourth time, the whole book.

I'm also ordering Cheri Huber's book on parenting.

Oh, and green tea all the way, baby! I woke up dreaming of coffee, though.
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#136 of 203 Old 10-25-2007, 03:22 AM
 
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Gosh, I just saw an excellent film - in German - on ways to stop yelling at your kids. I don't know if I'm too late to jump into this discussion though and end up repeating the tips. Also, I'd just be listing them from my head. I need to see it again and take some good notes. But here's a basic run down:

Make contact with your child - you need to be visible for your child and make eye contact with your child. If necessary, stop what you are doing (cooking, for instance) and go to your child. Your body language is very important to children in conveying your meaning.

Be calm - waving your arms about and going off in a tirade makes kids nervous and they will just wait until your tantrum is over without listening to a word you say.

Keep your words short and precise - no long discussions about why they need to clean up the bedroom. Again, kids just turn off. Also make yourself clean. If your child asks for candy, don't respond with "but you know that's bad for your teeth!" Your child wants a direct yes or no to his/her question.

No means no - only say it once. Repeating it over and over takes the seriousness out of it and makes kids think the issue might be debatable. If you're likely to give in, then it's better to say yes directly. Otherwise your credibility is sunk when you say no over and over only to give in in the end.

Use "I-Messages" instead of "You-Messages" - tell your child you're angry/upset about their behavior instead of sending them the message that they are bad people.

Be careful making requests - asking your child to do something may seem like a request that can be denied "Can you take out the trash, please" could very well be met with a "no, I'm busy right now". Rephrase requests to "I need you to . . . " to get the message across that you need their cooperation and are not just desirous of their company.

There may be more, but that's all that I can think of at the moment.

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#137 of 203 Old 10-27-2007, 01:48 PM
 
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Subbing to help me remember to go back and read through the whole thread.
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#138 of 203 Old 11-21-2007, 11:16 AM
 
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Bumping. It is that time of year.


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#139 of 203 Old 11-21-2007, 11:18 PM
 
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i get the wicked, psychotic, hormonal mom title today. at least i came back this afternoon.
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#140 of 203 Old 11-22-2007, 06:34 PM
 
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They should provide a smiley for that in the mood section, because I'm sure you wouldn't be alone in using it.

What's going on?

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#141 of 203 Old 11-29-2007, 02:31 PM
 
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Has anybody implemented the advice from the video that I posted on the previous page (post 136 I think) and if so, how's it going? I've noticed incredible improvement for us. It has really made a big difference being in the same room and making eye contact when asking dd to do something. I sure hope this helps some of you other moms!

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#142 of 203 Old 12-18-2007, 11:14 PM
 
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Bumping, wisdom from sledg.


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#143 of 203 Old 12-19-2007, 10:59 AM
 
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: Mama to ds (5) and dd (3) and .
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#144 of 203 Old 12-19-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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Thanks so much, Sledg, for the wise words. It made me feel a new sense of peace just reading them. That's what's so amazing about this place and why I'm so grateful for it.

Wendy ~ mom to VeeGee (6/05), who has PRS, Apraxia, SPD, VPI, a G-Tube, 14q duplication, and is a delightful little pistol! I'm an English professor and a writer.
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#145 of 203 Old 12-20-2007, 04:30 PM
 
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I just re-read this post:

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Originally Posted by UUMom View Post
It's one reason I am always posting about connecting --having fun together and joking around. Closeness and connectedness comes first, and then the team work can follow. It's hard to get people to work together when they don't feel like they are part of a team, or if they are always feeling upset about things.

When I play Scrabble, or watch a movie, or share some hummus (we both love it) with my 16 yr old, for instance, we are together in a way that's simply pleasant and not about whether he can take the car whenever he wats...lol. Relationships have to have a pleasure factor, not only be about arguing and guidance. We can chat about interesting things, politics, books we've read, movies we hate or love etc without having to hash something out all the time. Later, when I need him, I think he responds better because we already have a relationship history, iykwim. He's emotionally intense, so he needs that connection.
This is something I tend to forget, particularly when I'm really feeling stressed about anything, but it makes a HUGE world of difference-in how I feel, in my being able to *not* yell, in my kids' willingness to listen to me and help out/cooperate, in my kids' moods, in how the kids get along with each other.

So. HAVE FUN!!!! Parenting should also be FUN sometimes, probably can be more often than we sometimes think. We can have FUN with our kids. We can just relax and TAKE PLEASURE IN EACH OTHER'S COMPANY sometimes-even if we're behind on the laundry, or we feel like we must go shopping right this instant or we'll starve for lack of food in the fridge, or the house has managed to get so messy it looks like a bomb hit, or whatever it is that's stressing us out. We can still joke, we can still slow down and enjoy a conversation, we can *make the fun happen, we can make the time and opportunity to enjoy each other.* And doing so will pay off so, so enormously.
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#146 of 203 Old 01-01-2008, 01:16 PM
 
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Old thread but really good stuff . . . Bump
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#147 of 203 Old 01-01-2008, 01:57 PM
 
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Sledg, thank you for the reminder to have fun! I have been having a lot less fun and a lot more frustration lately. I'm getting ready to go play a game with my kids and have some fun.
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#148 of 203 Old 01-02-2008, 01:55 AM
 
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Subbing to this thread. Such wonderful, wise women here at mdc!!

Marilyn, wife to DH 09/02 and mama to my boys, DS1 11/06 and DS2 02/09, and a new one on the way in 06/12!

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#149 of 203 Old 01-02-2008, 11:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sledg View Post
I just re-read this post:


This is something I tend to forget, particularly when I'm really feeling stressed about anything, but it makes a HUGE world of difference-in how I feel, in my being able to *not* yell, in my kids' willingness to listen to me and help out/cooperate, in my kids' moods, in how the kids get along with each other.

So. HAVE FUN!!!! Parenting should also be FUN sometimes, probably can be more often than we sometimes think. We can have FUN with our kids. We can just relax and TAKE PLEASURE IN EACH OTHER'S COMPANY sometimes-even if we're behind on the laundry, or we feel like we must go shopping right this instant or we'll starve for lack of food in the fridge, or the house has managed to get so messy it looks like a bomb hit, or whatever it is that's stressing us out. We can still joke, we can still slow down and enjoy a conversation, we can *make the fun happen, we can make the time and opportunity to enjoy each other.* And doing so will pay off so, so enormously.

Wow, that was a while ago! The 16 yr old I was talking about them is going to be 19 next week! We weathered the teen years...one year to go! lol He's the one who introduced me to Steve Colbert's work recently, and has me wanting cable. lol
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#150 of 203 Old 01-03-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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Thanks pp for all the support and btdt words of wisdom. Will continue to take the positive energy from this thread and try to use it when that moment rears its head.
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