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#181 of 203 Old 01-10-2011, 05:05 PM
 
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dealing with the same issues with my kids.  recently took a quiz for adult adhd and i think thats why im so thin skinned with my kids...

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#182 of 203 Old 01-10-2011, 05:10 PM
 
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dealing with the same issues of blowing up for no reason irritated easy ...............recently took quiz for adult adhd and would recomened some of you doing the same who always seem to be yelling and upset

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#183 of 203 Old 01-10-2011, 06:34 PM
 
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Well, until recently, I was a HUGE yeller.  I was trying all sorts of punishments left and right to regain some sense of control over my kids.  I *finally* *finally* FINALLY realized I cannot control the words that come out of their mouths, the voice tone they are using, the fact that they keep asking over and over or whining or fighting with each other or any of that garbage.

 

I CAN control a LOT of other "stuff" in their lives.  I AM doing something if I ask them to take it out of my presence right now.  I can take whatever I think is causing a big part of the problem out of the scenario...like the TV goes off if it is on a children's show and I want them to do something.  They don't get it back until it's done.  (I only use that one if it's their behavior that is causing the problem and I need to address that.)

 

I canNOT give up responsibility for getting my child to school on time.  That's part of choosing to send my child to school, following their rules.  If he just HAPPENS to miss the morning recess because he messed around all morning instead of doing what I asked him to do to help him get ready....that is entirely HIS problem. 

 

I DO NOT have to get him somewhere HE wants to be if HIS behavior is stopping me from doing what I need to do for the family, or disrupting our peace.  I do not HAVE TO do that for ANY of them.  That's a good enough reason not to do it right there.  He can learn that that behavior does not get him what he wants in this family, this house, this lifetime, and I'd rather have my kids learn that while they are still in kindergarten then when they're my age....realizing that they themselves were a spoiled brat only child whose parents gave them whatever they wanted....except for anything that really MATTERED, like a listening ear, some attention when THEY needed it, even just plain out dealing with the details of life like laundry, food, etc without making them feel like their mom is doing this out of some obligation rather than the love it should be.  I know it CAN feel like a total obligation to need to get food on the table, clothes on the backs, all that stuff....but the minute I started realizing that some things in my household could be other people's problems and NOT MINE...........WOW!

 

It is NOT mean to not make a special effort to rush out the door to get him to the recess he enjoys before school if he's just plain being a pain to deal with that morning.  Or to NOT take the library book to school because he didn't help me remember to get it in his backpack and I forgot it because I was dealing with behavior.  Or any of those other little details that NOT doing or even thinking about doing for any of my kids...puts the energy I would have spent doing that back where I truly NEED it.


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#184 of 203 Old 01-16-2011, 03:42 PM
 
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I know that there are folks out there who get their kids to help, but I'm not one of them, at least not most of the time. I wonder if it's just a symptom of the madness of our times -- kids have so many things to distract them from work like TV, computer, etc. Sigh.



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#185 of 203 Old 01-16-2011, 04:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by miffyme View Post

dealing with the same issues with my kids.  recently took a quiz for adult adhd and i think thats why im so thin skinned with my kids...


Interesting, because I was diagnosed with that years ago, and now ds has a possible diagnosis as well. And I am also always losing my patience. Wow.


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#186 of 203 Old 01-18-2011, 10:53 AM
 
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I know that there are folks out there who get their kids to help, but I'm not one of them, at least not most of the time. I wonder if it's just a symptom of the madness of our times -- kids have so many things to distract them from work like TV, computer, etc. Sigh.

 

 

I don't understand comments like this.  To me it is simple:  kids help because you expect it of them.  It is not an option.  Sure, there are lots of things to distract them.  But the things you listed--TV, computer, etc...--are <i>privileges</i>, not rights.  Shut the crap off:  no computer, no TV, no ipod, etc... until they pick up their room/put away the dishes/vacuum/insert chore here. 

 

They are the kids.  You are the parent.  Like it or not, part of your job is to make them to things they don't want to.  To attempt to blame it on a "symptom of the madness of our times" is nothing but a cop-out. 

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#187 of 203 Old 01-18-2011, 01:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Pookietooth View Post
Interesting, because I was diagnosed with that years ago, and now ds has a possible diagnosis as well. And I am also always losing my patience. Wow.
Quote:
Originally Posted by miffyme View Post

dealing with the same issues with my kids.  recently took a quiz for adult adhd and i think thats why im so thin skinned with my kids...


 


ADHD could definitely be a factor.  Since I have become aware of my ADHD and started treating it, the yelling has decreased in our house.

 

I also find it interesting that the OP (5 years ago!) has a child with ADHD.  My psychologist told me that if mom has it, there is a 70-90% chance that one or more of her kids will have it.  It makes it hard to parent in the way that your brain & heart knows are right when ADHD is involved.

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#188 of 203 Old 01-19-2011, 04:35 AM
 
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Thank you for posting this.  I am grateful to know that I am not alone in this.   hug2.gif


 Yoga loving momma to DD Eden Raine 8/04 , DS Brett Edwin 2/08 , DS Brantley Albert 12/12 and wife for more than a decade to Jason .
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#189 of 203 Old 01-20-2011, 08:04 PM
 
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this may sound crazy, but...if i need something done (like cleaning up the toys, etc) because it's driving ME nuts, then i do it- even though of course i didn't make the mess.  sometimes they pitch in, sometimes not.  it has helped me a lot to let go of 'they should do this or that because i want them to'.  i am actually a lot happier without those thoughts (see: the work by byron katie) even though i am cleaning up more.  i don't want my children helping because they have to, when they see me enjoying doing things like cleaning up, it makes it seem less 'chorelike' and they do chip in more than if i directed them to do things.  but then it's up to them!

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#190 of 203 Old 01-21-2011, 11:37 AM
 
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 this may sound crazy, but...if i need something done (like cleaning up the toys, etc) because it's driving ME nuts, then i do it- even though of course i didn't make the mess.  sometimes they pitch in, sometimes not.  it has helped me a lot to let go of 'they should do this or that because i want them to'.  i am actually a lot happier without those thoughts (see: the work by byron katie) even though i am cleaning up more.  i don't want my children helping because they have to, when they see me enjoying doing things like cleaning up, it makes it seem less 'chorelike' and they do chip in more than if i directed them to do things.  but then it's up to them! 

 

 

With all due respect, I could not possibly disagree more.

 

I make a concerted effort to STOP myself from picking up their toys and make sure that THEY do it.  It takes infinitely longer than if I'd just do it myself, but I feel it's an important lesson teach:  I was not put on this earth to act as their personal maid.  It sets a bad precedent for me clean up after them now.  Now is the time to teach them to pick up after themselves:  they are at the age when they DO think it's fun to help.  That window passes quickly.  I want to harness that enthusiasm NOW, so they grow up knowing that helping is what we do, not because it is always fun, but because we are members of a household--not guests at a hotel.

 

The reality is that no one likes to clean up and it IS a chore...but it's a chore that needs to be done.  If one can make a mess, one can clean it up.   It's not that "they should [...] because I want them to."   It's that they should...period.  In the same way I have to put away my sewing machine when I'm done with it, they need to put away their train when they're done with it. 

 

I don't care if they help because they WANT to or because they HAVE to, but they WILL help. 

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#191 of 203 Old 01-26-2012, 07:15 PM
 
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I know this is an older post….I agree with oldfashiongirl... I disagree with cleaning your kids things and hoping they will pitch in. You aren't teaching your kids anything by doing everything for them. Yes, it may be easier for you to clean up their toys but they can't just go through life having everything done for them. They need to learn to take responsibility and deal with the consequences of decision making. They decided to make a mess with their toys; they need to take the responsibility of cleaning it up. No one will get anywhere in life having everything done for them… just my opinion. I’ve been dealing with this problem of yelling hence why I’m on here. I got some great insight from you all. Thank you =)

 

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#192 of 203 Old 01-27-2012, 07:36 PM
 
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OK, rusteve and Oldfashioned girl, how do you make your kids clean up without yelling at them? Do you punish them if they don't? Yell at them? Mine rarely help when I ask them to.


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#193 of 203 Old 01-28-2012, 05:22 AM
 
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#194 of 203 Old 01-28-2012, 06:15 AM
 
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#195 of 203 Old 01-28-2012, 03:48 PM
 
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I stand by my post of a year ago!  If I want a mess cleaned up, I may ask for the kids to help, but if they're involved with something else or don't want to help, I do it myself.  I am the one who wants it clean, not them.  If my husband wanted to clean out the garage and I thought it was fine, I'd be mad if he insisted I help instead of doing whatever I had planned.   

 

My back story on this is that growing up, we had chores, things we had to do etc.  My mom and dad were the type to say 'I am not going to do all this for everyone' etc.  Now I dread cleaning up, it always seems like a big task/burden. I like it when a job is done, but I don't like starting. 

 

My MIL always did things herself, she liked things neat and organized and she did things happily. she didn't make her kids chip in.  All three of her kids tend toward neatness and the 2 girls are super organized and clean.  So to me, it seems modeling a positive attuitude and showing chores to be an enjoyable thing ends up with better long term results.  In the short term, things are more peaceful because I'm not annoyed that I'm doing 'other people's jobs'.  I do what I want done and my kids do what they want done. Everyone is happier. 

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#196 of 203 Old 01-29-2012, 09:17 PM
 
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Chitowntracy, that sounds an awful lot like punishment to me -- you didn't do this task, so therefore I will not do this task for you, sort of a tit for tat. After all, the parent does actually have to feed the child, legally, so you can't really threaten to take that away. 

I agree with the last post -- modeling works better than threats, punishment etc.


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#197 of 203 Old 01-30-2012, 04:03 AM
 
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#198 of 203 Old 01-30-2012, 05:11 AM
 
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subbing so I don't forget to finish reading this thread... very much needed.


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#199 of 203 Old 01-30-2012, 06:32 AM
 
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 I have never been part of a online community where people seem to be so much more concerned with "being right" or being argumentative than appreciative of the time someone spent replying. 

 

I couldn't agree with you more.  I haven't been a regular on this board for years because I find the women on here to be incredibly judgmental.  It's difficult to offer a suggestion when I know the odds are high that someone is going to jump down my throat for being a bad mother. 

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#200 of 203 Old 01-30-2012, 06:40 AM
 
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OK, rusteve and Oldfashioned girl, how do you make your kids clean up without yelling at them? Do you punish them if they don't? Yell at them? Mine rarely help when I ask them to.


I may be the wrong person to ask, as my kids are only 4 and 5, so I suppose a lot could change between now and the teenage years.  That said, I've never really had a problem getting them to help; I've expected it of them since they were quite young.  They've always been expected to clean up after themselves.  Even a two year old is more than capable of putting away his toys.  Early on, obviously, it requires help and direction.  Yes, of course, even now, it would often be easier to just do it myself.  But I truly feel I'd be failing as a mother if I just did it for them. 

 

I could probably count on one hand the number of times the kids have refused to help.  By and large, they pick up pretty cheerfully.  It's simply understood:  if you can make a mess, you can clean it up.  The times when they have refused, I've made them stand in the corner until they're ready to help.  The situation usually rectifies itself pretty quickly. 

 

 

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#201 of 203 Old 01-31-2012, 12:49 PM
 
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Sorry that my reply was short -- I was running out the door and didn't have time to complete the thought. What I meant was that when someone says that the child says they don't have to clean up, and therefore the parent doesn't have to make the child dinner, that that didn't seem like a consequence, since it's an empty threat -- the parent is going to cook a meal for the family and the child will probably eat it. 

I am sorry you felt judged, I was simply offering my opinion about what is defined as consequences as opposed to traditional punishments. Withholding food or other necessities is totally different from refusing to help clean up, unless the parent is physically unable to clean up themselves (or in the case of a teen, if the teen is able to fix their own meals). Your later example does make a lot more sense and in fact I say things like that all the time -- if you help me with X Y and Z I will have time to play this game with you. That doesn't always work though.

Here is some more about natural consequences:

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/naturalconsequences.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/rue_kream2.html

http://www.naturalchild.org/marshall_rosenberg/protective_use_of_force.html

 

I think if you choose to use punishments, call them that. I'm not saying you're wrong for doing what you do, I just want it to be clear to others who might be interested in the techniques you present that they are punishment/reward-based, although they don't involve physical force or yelling.

I think the OP was asking for things to help her deal with not getting her needs met, and you were offering your ideas, as were so many others. We are all on our own time, so I appreciate that. 

Hope you all have a nice day.


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#202 of 203 Old 03-22-2013, 05:49 PM
 
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Ok, first of all, breathe. Second, realize that the little people living with you are children. They live, learn, and do based upon the example we, as patents, set. Thirdly, if you are not a single parent, your spouse should be picking up the slack in the housekeeping department. After all, we are not meant to have children so they can be our "maids". Yes, children do need discipline and structure. No one debates that, but....you must recognize that you are here for them, not the other way around. If you chose this path, embrace it and suck it up! Beyond keeping their grades up and making their beds, your children owe you nothing!
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#203 of 203 Old 04-04-2013, 06:53 PM
 
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Ok, first of all, breathe. Second, realize that the little people living with you are children. They live, learn, and do based upon the example we, as patents, set. Thirdly, if you are not a single parent, your spouse should be picking up the slack in the housekeeping department. After all, we are not meant to have children so they can be our "maids". Yes, children do need discipline and structure. No one debates that, but....you must recognize that you are here for them, not the other way around. If you chose this path, embrace it and suck it up! Beyond keeping their grades up and making their beds, your children owe you nothing!

great post i agree with most of what you said with the exception of the importance of "good grades" which is just my opinion on that subject:P But i would like to say that it is more difficult being a single parent.. breathing helps and the awareness that our children are little people who are not our maids, who deserve the same amount of respect as adults if not more:)


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