Questions for non-coercive mamas - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-18-2007, 02:52 AM
 
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I think if you accept that no one else can make us feel anything, it is incorrect to say or imply that "because you did/didn't do X mommy is disappointed." It would be more accurate to instead say something like "when you don't help me, I feel disappointed because I was hoping to finish quickly so I could start dinner (or because I was looking forward to helping you organize your room or whatever the reason you had that expectation)" Then you could add "because I didn't have help I need some help from you to chop the onions if I'm going to get dinner on time" - or whatever. THat way you take responsibility for your own feelings/expectations and instead let the child in on your thought/feeling process. But it's important to draw a clear line between why you feel this way and their actions.
This makes much more sense to me, and doesn't sound as nearly verbally coercive as what my dad does with us. :

What is the name of the book (and author)? I'm going to check it out, it sounds interesting.

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If you're view the kid as needing saving from "the world," then you might be more focused on exerting control over "the world"/NOT her.

Like if I had superhuman strength in the truck scenario, I'd rather block the truck than have to shove someone out of the way. But, I can't so I gotta move the body.
And here's the thing. I don't have control over the world, and I likely never will (though I do have twisted fantasies of it every now and then ). How I would love for my daughter to remain unscathed while I take care of all the "big ouches" with the twitch of my nose, but that will never happen. All I can do is protect her until she of an age and ability to look out for herself, all while I communicate and model safety and good health.

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But, it just gets me out of that "it's for your own good" kind of mentality that can get kind of muddy and more coercive.
I've never liked this train of thought. It seems controlling, and is a manipulative way for parents to absolve themselves from any responsibility in how they raise and shape their kids. When your child comes to you in 20 years with social issues and reflects upon how they were treated as a child, the "it was for your own good" is an under handed way of saying "I did it for you, so are you going to blame *me* for how you turned out"? I am dealing with this very thing in my adult life, and it's what motivates me to be as fair, objective, neutral, and non-coercive as possible. But I think protecting children from themselves, and being manipulative and controlling in the name of "doing it for their own good" are completely different. At least based on my life experiences. Keeping my daughter away from the road IS for her own good. Forcing her to eat iron-rich nutritious spinach at dinner even though she's in tears is NOT for her own good. One is protection, the other is just controlling.

But I do strive for harmony in my house, and that happens when everyone is happy, when everyone has their needs met, and when everyone feels equally acknowledged (me, hubby, and baby... and three dogs and a cat : ).

However, I still don't identify with consensual living because in our house, at some point or another someone has to make a compromise and humbly live with it.

I don't know, maybe I'm missing the bigger picture. I'm going to check out that book and I'll get back to you.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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Old 07-18-2007, 09:19 AM
 
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Please explain how a 16 month is able to conclude that playing with a ball near a road is dangerous, and that if they don't *want* to be hit by a car, that they should move away from the road. Because everything I've read has indicated that at 16 months they are not developmentally "there" yet. :
Actually, I'm pretty sure I just said they're not. We're clearly having some sort of miscommunication here.
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Old 07-18-2007, 12:55 PM
 
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And here's the thing. I don't have control over the world, and I likely never will (though I do have twisted fantasies of it every now and then ). How I would love for my daughter to remain unscathed while I take care of all the "big ouches" with the twitch of my nose, but that will never happen. All I can do is protect her until she of an age and ability to look out for herself, all while I communicate and model safety and good health.
I think most of what we discuss in this forum is how to change "the world" and not the kid. Except we call it our "environment."

Most mainstream discipline does focus more on the kid. Advising things like saying, "NO!" loudly as they go for the outlet, swatting their hands away, putting them in a time out, etc.

We seem to focus more on moving the furniture to make it safer, "honoring the impulse" in another safe way, distracting with something more inviting, etc.

So I think that most of us are already kind of in that mindset.

Finding agreeable solutions seems to work better by taking the focus off of seeking to change/control the person and focusing on the situation or our expectations/responses.

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Keeping my daughter away from the road IS for her own good. Forcing her to eat iron-rich nutritious spinach at dinner even though she's in tears is NOT for her own good. One is protection, the other is just controlling.
I'm not sure everyone with agree with you about the spinach (I do, obviously). But, I think lots of (most?) parents would equate those two examples. And that the means would justify the ends.

And not that they would take any pleasure from forcing the kid to eat the spinach while crying, but that it would be something they HAVE to do b/c its necessary for the child's well-being. I bet you could post that scenario on any one of a hundred parenting boards and get near unanimous support for "doing what you had to do," and kudos for "being a good and responsible parent who has their child's best interest at heart."

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I don't know, maybe I'm missing the bigger picture. I'm going to check out that book and I'll get back to you.
Maybe it just doesn't jive with your philosophies. Or maybe it just takes a huge shift in perception and you're still absorbing it. I'll tell you, it's not easy for those of us who do want to do it all the time to make that shift--esp. early on. Anyway, I'm appreciating the discussing so thanks!
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Old 07-18-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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I often wonder about the irritation in my voice. It's real and it's how I truly feel sometimes...irritating beyond belief. But it comes out a little barky and I don't want him to feel like he is 'irritating'. I often just say that I'm tired and cranky and I'm sorry that I've been short or whatever.

I think letting kids on how they are impacting our feelings is good but also tricky at times. It's very hard to rise above it all and clearly say "I'm beginning to feel irritated. I need a break." I'm usually pretty pissed by the time I need to say this.

This thread is getting my mind reeling...it's good, though!
I find this is getting a lot easier as my kid gets older and we continue to have these "problem-solving" dialogues. Many times it's MY behavior we're revisiting in a calm moment. And trying to discuss it in the same way we'd talk about what was happening in the kid door blocking scenario or some such. It helps me a lot.
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Old 07-18-2007, 01:57 PM
 
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I think most of what we discuss in this forum is how to change "the world" and not the kid. Except we call it our "environment."
Who said anything about "changing" the kid?

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We seem to focus more on moving the furniture to make it safer, "honoring the impulse" in another safe way, distracting with something more inviting, etc.

So I think that most of us are already kind of in that mindset.

Finding agreeable solutions seems to work better by taking the focus off of seeking to change/control the person and focusing on the situation or our expectations/responses.
All this is just common sense to me...

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I bet you could post that scenario on any one of a hundred parenting boards and get near unanimous support for "doing what you had to do," and kudos for "being a good and responsible parent who has their child's best interest at heart."
And that's why I'm at MDC.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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Old 07-18-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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No, I know....I'm just trying to flush out how a "saving the kid from the truck" vs. "saving the kid from herself" mindest might play out or impact our process...
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Old 07-18-2007, 02:19 PM
 
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What is the name of the book (and author)? I'm going to check it out, it sounds interesting.
The book is Non-Violent Communication by Marsall Rosenberg. It's not a parenting book, per se, but is about all our communication with others. Someone here on the forum suggested it and it's very interesting!
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Old 07-18-2007, 02:34 PM
 
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The book is Non-Violent Communication by Marsall Rosenberg. It's not a parenting book, per se, but is about all our communication with others. Someone here on the forum suggested it and it's very interesting!
peace,
robyn
Thanx, I'm going to check it out!

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Old 07-19-2007, 02:14 AM
 
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I'm so glad to see this thread has continued.

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I think toddlers can be parented in such a way that they will grow up into children who want to do right, but they are not born that way. They have to learn to be that way. And, hopefully, many or maybe most, do actually want to do right from their soul. But not right away. They have to go through the development and ARRIVE at that point, they don't begin at that point.
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I think maybe you're conflating "doing RIGHT" and "doing POLITE." Does that make sense?

People with Aspergers aren't trying to do "wrong" when they don't kind of "get" or consider people around them. They just don't get the personal interactions that most folks consider polite.

I think toddlers are the same--just impolite.
Actually no, I'm talking about the idea that a child wants to do the right thing from the get-go.

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I think an important part of Gentle Discipline is assuming your child wants to make the right choices, and therefore doesn't need protection from themselves, just good information and guidance.
This is the part that I don't understand. I don't think a toddler can make "right choices" because they have not developed to the point of knowing what a right choice actually is. They are still actively exploring their world and learning how it works. This assumption makes much more sense (to me) after they're older and have some life's experience and also have developed a more full conscience. Toddlers just aren't there yet.

So how does GD and non-coercion (both of which I admire and aspire to practice) reconcile with child development?
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Old 07-19-2007, 02:30 AM
 
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So how does GD and non-coercion (both of which I admire and aspire to practice) reconcile with child development?
Good question! And I'm guessing that depending on where you are in the spectrum of GD, the answer varies.

Today, my 14 month old wanted to be out of the Ergo but we were ready to head home. I actually thought about it in the moment because I was coercing him to be in the Ergo. I was exhausted and needed to get home and my older son was already off on his bike. It was time to go...I couldn't reason it out with the babe, we just had to get going. I could have held him in my arms and carried the Ergo, but it was too far to do that the whole way. In this case, it didn't feel great because he wasn't ready but I felt there weren't other options that I was ok with. Anyway, he was fine a couple of seconds later and that's why I think I feel a little differently about all of this with the younger ones.

Now, last night my older son (4 1/2) and I walked to pick up take-out. He wanted a drink from the store across the street and I just wanted to get home. But it wasn't an unreasonable request and I often have a craving for something in particular and I just get it. He has to ask me first, so it didn't seem right to say no. So off we went to the other store and it very much felt like the right decision even though I would have much preferred to just go home.

I dunno...I think child development does play a big role in all of this. But I think you can be gentle with a baby without it looking the way it does with older children. Does that make any sense??
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Old 07-19-2007, 03:45 AM
 
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I dunno...I think child development does play a big role in all of this. But I think you can be gentle with a baby without it looking the way it does with older children. Does that make any sense??
Yep, totally.

I had a similar situation today with the ergo, only it was raining and she didn't want to ride on the front (too hot, too tight, etc). If I flipped her onto my back she would have gotten soaked and I was worried about poking her in the eye with the umbrella. So, she road in the front, but not long after we started walking home she was fine, despite being "coerced" into it.

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Old 07-19-2007, 10:36 AM
 
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This is the part that I don't understand. I don't think a toddler can make "right choices" because they have not developed to the point of knowing what a right choice actually is. They are still actively exploring their world and learning how it works. This assumption makes much more sense (to me) after they're older and have some life's experience and also have developed a more full conscience. Toddlers just aren't there yet.
I see what you're saying. Maybe instead of "right choices" it would be more useful to think of "benign intent." ??

If they had all the information, do you think they would make "right choices" (choices that were in line with social/cultural mores, were generally compassionate, were not intended to deliberately hurt others)?

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So how does GD and non-coercion (both of which I admire and aspire to practice) reconcile with child development?
Child development according to whom?

I mean that article someone posted a bit ago about how 6 month olds lie and manipulate? That could be categorized as "child development." But who is to say what one person sees as manipulating another won't see as getting needs met? Which version is right? And really, will we EVER know for sure what's going on behind the motives of a 6 mo. old or a toddler? I dunno...hard to imagine.

Besides the fact, child development specialists and doctors have thought some pretty wacky stuff over the years. Like how babies in the 40s shouldn't be touched and needed o.j. at 2 weeks and a nice summer tan. : And more recently: Crying strengthens their lungs, extended nursing is tantamount to molestation, and the whole kit-and-kaboodle of behaviorism as law.

There are many conflicting opinions out there about who kids are and what they need. Personally, I'm going with what helps me see and treat my kids in the best possible way. Believing that my 6 mo. is jerking me around for kicks or that my toddler truly wants to do the malevelant thing is not getting me closer to trusting them, building a harmonious relationship with them, or having peaceful interactions during our days. It just casts a dark cloud of suspicion over our relationships, which isn't what I want.
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Old 07-19-2007, 02:43 PM
 
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I've just found this board and just finished reading this very enlightening thread, and a couple of questions have been swirling around:

First, how do you teach your child to deal with things they will encounter in the larger world that *are* coercive by nature ("the act of compelling by force of authority") - such as laws, taxes, school rules, etc.?

Second, what have been your best ideas for teaching your child manners and the basic ideas of etiquette and proper behavior when in public or a guest in other homes? We have a nephew who is 4, and he is very disruptive in family gatherings. Others in the family feel it's because his parents don't tell him "no" when it needs to be said. My husband swears that we will have a better-behaved child than that. I am guessing that "well-behaved" is an expression that conjures up images of coercive discipline — but I confess, I don't want my son (who is still an infant) to be <em>that</em> child, the one who is constantly tearing through a guest's house, throwing himself against shelves that contain valuable antiques, pulling lamp cords on and off and on and off with no signs of stopping, banging a loud toy against the church pew while a wedding is in progress, etc.

I'd love to hear how you approach the concept of behavior in public, or if "well-behaved" is even a goal of non-coercive parenting. I think, after reading this thread, that I fall more on the non-coercive end of the spectrum, so this question is one I've been struggling with anyway. This question seems so neanderthal compared to the enlightened approaches I've been reading here; perhaps I should spend more time on this board to get more ideas. But if you have any, I'd appreciate them!
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Old 07-19-2007, 03:20 PM
 
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First, how do you teach your child to deal with things they will encounter in the larger world that *are* coercive by nature ("the act of compelling by force of authority") - such as laws, taxes, school rules, etc.?
Dialogue. Plus, some of this children absorb just from being in their environment. It's the parent's job to help them process what they've absorbed.

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Second, what have been your best ideas for teaching your child manners and the basic ideas of etiquette and proper behavior when in public or a guest in other homes?
Modeling and dialogue. Even before you think they can understand. Also, with the little ones especially, hands-on (gentle) intervention when necessary with accompanying dialogue. Being a parent is a very hands-on task.

Well-behaved isn't necessarily a goal because well-behaved usually means silent and still. My goal is for my child to learn how to be a functional member of society, to be able to read a situation and understand what he needs to do to be a healthy part of it. My goal is also for him to know how to advocate for himself and to understand his own mind.
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Old 07-19-2007, 03:44 PM
 
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I am trying to raise my children this way, but I feel like I am failing at my goal. I know I am a good parent and that I am doing a good job, but I am not at the place that some of you are. Anyway, here is a question: my son needs ot be on a special diet, but he often asks for foods that he is not supposed to have. He is almost three. I don't know a non-coercive way to deal with this. I try to give him as many food options as I can. It's difficult, because we recently found out that he has serious negative reactions to some of his favorite foods, and he is a picky eater anyway.

My other challenge is that I get irritates when my almost-3yo treats his 8mo brother roughly, and then I tend to tell him what he can and can't do.

I sometimes feel like I need a noncoercive mentor to help guide me on a daily basis! Lol.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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Old 07-19-2007, 03:52 PM
 
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Second, what have been your best ideas for teaching your child manners and the basic ideas of etiquette and proper behavior when in public or a guest in other homes? We have a nephew who is 4, and he is very disruptive in family gatherings. Others in the family feel it's because his parents don't tell him "no" when it needs to be said. My husband swears that we will have a better-behaved child than that. I am guessing that "well-behaved" is an expression that conjures up images of coercive discipline — but I confess, I don't want my son (who is still an infant) to be <em>that</em> child, the one who is constantly tearing through a guest's house, throwing himself against shelves that contain valuable antiques, pulling lamp cords on and off and on and off with no signs of stopping, banging a loud toy against the church pew while a wedding is in progress, etc.
Well I'm not really an official non-coercive parent (though I aspire to be!) I think that this is a common misunderstanding of how to handle situations like this. I think that if you really are in tune with your child you will be able to predict how he might handle situations like these....if he has a history of getting "stimulated" by crowd, if he has trouble sitting still and at attention, etc. Really, the key is prevention if possible and removal from the situation if not.

My DD has a sensory integration disorder and I just know that certain things will set her "off" and she will appear to everyone as "that child" LOL SO I do what I can to head her off (bring a toy/book, come late/leave early, take her outside often for breaks, making sure she has gotten her "ya-yas" out, etc) - and if I can't then we leave the situation. Occassionally I make mistakes in knowing what will set her off and I can't leave a situation easily. So she is the disruptive one. Other times she surprises the heck out of me with what she can tolerate...

It sounds like these parents simply aren't in tune with their son OR they simply don't care to intervene (leave, distract, whatever) when his behavior affects others. I don't think it has anything to do with punishing.

And I think that almost everyone has probably had a time or two where their child qualifies as "that child" LOL It's all in your perception. If you've only seen this little boy in loud, crowded or stimulating environments, you may be judging him to harshly....

anyway, that's jmo

hth
peace,
robyn
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Old 07-19-2007, 04:54 PM
 
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First, how do you teach your child to deal with things they will encounter in the larger world that *are* coercive by nature ("the act of compelling by force of authority") - such as laws, taxes, school rules, etc.?
This is where I'd like furhter ellucidation, too. True coercion is forceful, authoritarian. I have seen reference here to parenting practices that are not forceful, not authoritarian... as coercive, so I sense there's a generalization happening with that word, somewhat. Just as in the phrase Attachment Parenting; there are folks that like to sling that phrase around, and assume because they're practicing things like baby-wearing and cloth-diapering and nursing exclusively that they are APing like the champs, with little regard to the quality of that attachment, or security of the bond.

So for the hard and fast Non-Coercive parents, how do you define coercion? I remember our counselor describing coercion to us when referring to covert hostility and abusive behavior. A partner barring the way when the other partner wants to leave during a conflict is considered coercion. When my child desires something that isn't hers, or wants me to stop what I may be doing so that I can get something for her, and I don't want to stop what I'm doing or go get the something, is she then coercing me if she pitches a fit? I'm pretty into mutual agreeability and consensual living, so far, so I try to exemplify that... kwim?

Just curious as to how some of you who are vigilant in being non-coercive will respond.

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Second, what have been your best ideas for teaching your child manners and the basic ideas of etiquette and proper behavior when in public or a guest in other homes?
<snip>
I'd love to hear how you approach the concept of behavior in public, or if "well-behaved" is even a goal of non-coercive parenting.
Personally, in our family, in our community, 'well-behaved' is a standard that is aspired to by everyone, not just children. And we approach this by teaching a universal value system... virtues such as patience, respect, tolerance, generosity, understanding, steadfastness, etc, are taught early on, and openly. I don't shy away from those words with Prenna, in fact, I use them and model regularly so that she can be familiar with the verbage and therefore begin to understand the concepts. Our community hosts Virtues Classes for children of all faiths, denominations, ideaologies and walks of life. We try to teach that in order to progress to a peaceful and unified society, it's incumbant upon all in that society to learn to live in an honorable, respectful, compassionate manner. What does that look like IRL? Example: In a restaurant, if dd is being disruptive by yelling and jumping up and down in the booth, I might lean over, put my arm around her and ask if I can talk to her for a moment. Then when she stops and looks at me and is ready to hear me, I might quietly say something like, "Is jumping up and down and yelling a way to respect other pople eating? Would you please use restaurant manners, here? Maybe after we're done, we'll go find a good place for jumping and yelling. What do you think?"

She'll be 3 in Nov. and she seems to respond really well to this approach...

When there are instances where dd is being "that kid" I feel strongly that this happens when she has lost control of herself due to any number of a wide range of stimulii... over-tired, over-stimulated (luckily she's not too sensitive), hungry, embarassed, whatev. And that means I'm not or I wasn't tuned into her enough to read her cues before her behavior became an issue, it means I am not or was not doing my job to be there for her, to help her process, or whatever. So I step up my availability, my awareness.

I will 1st see if there is a way to adjust things; take her for a walk outside away from the people, feed her, offer her a beverage, etc. Then if those options don't pan out, I will offer additionaly options, and possibly step in gently if need be. I openly refer to manners and respect, in private and in public. If dd is being "rude" to another person, kid or adult, I will admonish her gently with something like, "Prenna, those words hurt. Will you please use nice words?" If the behavior continues, I may step up a notch and say something like, "Prenna. I hear you/see you being rude to ____. That is not respectful, and ____ doesn't like it. I hope you will respect ____. Your choice now is to walk away and have a break, or find a way to be respectful, so that you may continue playing here. What would you like to do?"

I try to offer her oppotunities to reason out the consequences of her actions by availing her to as much input as possible.

Make sense?

Am I coercive? Dunno...
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Old 07-19-2007, 10:44 PM
 
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Our community hosts Virtues Classes for children of all faiths, denominations, ideaologies and walks of life. We try to teach that in order to progress to a peaceful and unified society, it's incumbant upon all in that society to learn to live in an honorable, respectful, compassionate manner.
That's really cool!

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Example: In a restaurant, if dd is being disruptive by yelling and jumping up and down in the booth, I might lean over, put my arm around her and ask if I can talk to her for a moment. Then when she stops and looks at me and is ready to hear me, I might quietly say something like, "Is jumping up and down and yelling a way to respect other pople eating? Would you please use restaurant manners, here? Maybe after we're done, we'll go find a good place for jumping and yelling. What do you think?"

She'll be 3 in Nov. and she seems to respond really well to this approach...
This makes sense to me. I was wondering if removing a child from a situation in which he/she is being disruptive is considered coercive ... I imagine it probably depends on the manner in which it's done.
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Old 07-20-2007, 12:03 AM
 
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Child development according to whom?

I mean that article someone posted a bit ago about how 6 month olds lie and manipulate? That could be categorized as "child development." But who is to say what one person sees as manipulating another won't see as getting needs met? Which version is right? And really, will we EVER know for sure what's going on behind the motives of a 6 mo. old or a toddler? I dunno...hard to imagine.

Besides the fact, child development specialists and doctors have thought some pretty wacky stuff over the years. Like how babies in the 40s shouldn't be touched and needed o.j. at 2 weeks and a nice summer tan. : And more recently: Crying strengthens their lungs, extended nursing is tantamount to molestation, and the whole kit-and-kaboodle of behaviorism as law.
I've seen, as an example of hard core consensual parenting, the example of "if your child was going to jump off the garage..." and at least one response (might have been quoted from another site?) was "I would explain to him the consequences of jumping, that he might be badly injured, etc, but then if he still wanted to jump, that would be his decision..."

The thing about some of the "if you explain it to them you can come to an answer agreeable to everyone." is that -- small children do not always percieve the world the same way adults do. Repeated studies have affirmed what I have seen in my personal experience -- children have a lot of magical thinking until well into elementary school. That child in the above example might listen to his father explain that if he jumps from the garage, gravity will kick in and he will likely break both his legs. But he's probably also thinking, "Well, Dad knows about gravity, but I am wearing my Magic Flying Cape today, so I don't need to worry."

My kid thought Thomas the Tank Engine was *real* until last year. He still may, from the way he hedges his bets when he talks about things. *Real*. The same kid, earlier this month, after visiting a gorgeous spot with a sign someone had put up reading "Piglets Corner," compared the spot with the map in the frontispiece of Winnie the Pooh and told me, in all seriousness, that he knew Pooh's house must be "right over there." There's only so far rationalizing and explaining your grownup perceptions will go, sometimes.

savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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Old 07-20-2007, 12:12 AM
 
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I've seen, as an example of hard core consensual parenting, the example of "if your child was going to jump off the garage..." and at least one response (might have been quoted from another site?) was "I would explain to him the consequences of jumping, that he might be badly injured, etc, but then if he still wanted to jump, that would be his decision..."

The thing about some of the "if you explain it to them you can come to an answer agreeable to everyone." is that -- small children do not always percieve the world the same way adults do. Repeated studies have affirmed what I have seen in my personal experience -- children have a lot of magical thinking until well into elementary school. That child in the above example might listen to his father explain that if he jumps from the garage, gravity will kick in and he will likely break both his legs. But he's probably also thinking, "Well, Dad knows about gravity, but I am wearing my Magic Flying Cape today, so I don't need to worry."
I think most of us, despite our beliefs about development would NOT let the child jump off the roof.

I would try to find something which might be more agreeable--can't even think how I would deal with that one right now, but if it came up I would come up with something I guess.

I certainly wouldn't expect a small child to understand gravity and broken legs and just move from there.

Really, if after explaining all that and the child still wanted to jump I'd be pretty sure that he did NOT understand.
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Old 07-20-2007, 05:20 PM
 
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Child development according to whom?

I mean that article someone posted a bit ago about how 6 month olds lie and manipulate? That could be categorized as "child development." But who is to say what one person sees as manipulating another won't see as getting needs met? Which version is right? And really, will we EVER know for sure what's going on behind the motives of a 6 mo. old or a toddler? I dunno...hard to imagine.

Besides the fact, child development specialists and doctors have thought some pretty wacky stuff over the years. Like how babies in the 40s shouldn't be touched and needed o.j. at 2 weeks and a nice summer tan. : And more recently: Crying strengthens their lungs, extended nursing is tantamount to molestation, and the whole kit-and-kaboodle of behaviorism as law.

I'm just gonna throw this out there -- "attachment" parenting and attachment theory come directly from child development specialists and doctors, too.
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Old 07-20-2007, 06:42 PM
 
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I'm just gonna throw this out there -- "attachment" parenting and attachment theory come directly from child development specialists and doctors, too.
Yes, that's why I said this:

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There are many conflicting opinions out there about who kids are and what they need. Personally, I'm going with what helps me see and treat my kids in the best possible way.
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Old 07-21-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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I'm not even sure what the OP posed as the original question and I'm too lazy to go back and look ....

But I've noticed that when I engage in problem-solving, the whole situation becomes much easier. My tendency often is to engage in the power struggle but when I don't and I just ask questions or brainstorm with my ds, the whole issue deflates and becomes less stressful. Often we never come up with a solution, but the process of thinking about how we can solve whatever it might be seems to illustrate quite clearly to my ds in a way that he can digest that there may not be a way for him to get what he wants.

I thought to share this because I've always been under the impression that non-coercive approach is more labor intensive...but in my recent experience it has proven to be quite the opposite.
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