Hmph! Guess we're not using diapers anymore. - Advice needed!! - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 123 Old 02-02-2006, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by MissRubyandKen
Soundhunter I'm not sure if the point of your post was to imply that negotiating with a child is dangerous to them and just as likely to lead to victimization? Or if you feel both negotiation and coercion are null and void to the argument?
Actually, my main point is, though not said outright, that pedophiles often approach children very kindly and playfully, and will "groom" children for molestation, and will find out what it would take to access them, in many cases, with the child "allowing" it to happen (often because they want to play with that person too, or want to read stories under the covers, or want to build a tent, etc, with this person). I don't think there is a single parenting style that can completely protect children, though as previously mentioned, the mother or father being with the child at all times is a better bet, if neither parent are molesters (this is the approach we have with Emma, until she is old enough to be safer, in our opinions) I don't think that children parented non coercively with a focus on negotiation to meet each others needs is any more protected than a child whose mother prevents diaper rashes by forcing a diaper change, but while also expressing care for the child's feelings during the process. As mentioned previously by other posters, intent is everything, and ultimately, it's not the sex acts themselves that give small children inklings that the molestation might be wrong, it's the odd vibes given by the intent of the molester, even if they seem realy playful and fun. (older kids know better, about the sex part, of course) I have no doubts, that Emma knows on whatever level a 2 yr old is capable of knowing, even when she is frustrated with me, that I am not using her for my own personal gratification. I think if someone was trying to do that to her, she is too young to be able to protect herself no matter how she's been parented, but that she would have a creepy feeling, somewhere in her belly, that something was wrong here, in a much different kind of way. That's the whole thing with the protecting the gift book, those belly feelings, that deep internal instinct, that something is wrong. That is a much different deal, then having strict parents who are also loving and while not always accomodating, do care and consider the feelings of their children. I don't have ay doubts that children have those belly feelings, and do know the difference, on some internal level.
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#122 of 123 Old 02-02-2006, 04:21 PM
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Too, I think it's incorrect to think that allowing a child to refuse basic hygiene will somehow provide him with the skills needed to rebuff sexual abuse. Or else the contrary: that loved, attended to children are more vulnerable to abuse.

As described above, the methods used by abusers are many and are complex. If an abuser has access to your child and given enough time, likely he will be able to ultimately succeed. Some abusers put months and years into establishing a trust relationship with the child which they can then exploit. In such cases, the parents are usually duped as well. To protect our kids we really have to maintain a high index of suspicion, and take measure such that the opportunities just don't arise.
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#123 of 123 Old 02-02-2006, 05:32 PM
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allowing a child to refuse basic hygiene
I'm not sure where anyone said this would be acceptable to them. Rather search for a way to have basic hygiene consent worthy for the child. Who advocated for a child refusing basic hygiene AND not getting basic hygiene? Of course a child showing distress and discomfort AND refusing basic hygiene would be a situation which might take a lot of energy to make those things consent worthy. A little energy or alot, worth it IMO.


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