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Running away

585 views 11 replies 10 participants last post by  azjen43 
#1 ·
Hi! Once again, I'm looking for suggestions for dealing with my spirited almost 3 YO DD.

This weekend we were in Target trying on new shoes, and when I asked her to walk to the end of the aisle to see how they feel on her feet, and as soon as she got to the corner, she turned and ran away. By the time I got to the corner, I could just see her turning into another aisle and laughing while I chased.... Then..... she was gone....... I looked up and down every aisle for about a minute and then picked up the customer service phone to get some help. Long story short, a Target employee found her in the toy aisle within a minute or two and brought her up to the front of the store where she greeted me with a smile and then was really really mad when I wouldn't buy her the toy she was holding. When I told her that running away from me in the store is not OK, that it's dangerous (She knows this, we have been through this before) she just said well, I wanted to get a toy. By then she was hysterical because I wouldn't buy her the toy. We left the store. That was Sunday.

OK, so today I get this email from the daycare:

I wanted to touch base with you about Maggie. She had a rough day today. In library today. she ran away from the teachers. Ms. Jade had to run after her for quite awhile because Maggie thought it was funny and kept running. This was concerning for the teachers as well as myselt. Our job is to keep Maggie safe. We were very concerned she would run out of the building.

I'm kind of at my wit's end.... I know I will be able to count on getting some good suggestions here for dealing with this behavior. Thanks in advance.
 
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#2 ·
When a child runs and an adult chases the chasing initiates the game.
The only way to stop the game is to not initiate chase.
I would have calmly followed the direction my child went (but trying to avoid making eye contact, which also is interpreted as the cue to run) and perhaps picked up the phone first.
At the school, the teacher could have avoided this also by putting herself between your dd and the door and just waited calmly until your dd got close enough or gave up.
I find that usually, if I dont give chase, my kids dont go anywhere.
(I do have friends whose kids will run anyway)
And if my kids start runnign away and look over their shoulder, and I am not following , or I look the other way (I will sometimes turn my back) they will stop. Hang out where they are for a minute to make sure I am not going to play, and then come back.
(I learned about not chasing from TCC, this is one thing that really changed things for me, as one of my kids was a huge bolter and I had 3 toddlers)
Good Luck
JOline
 
#3 ·
I agree with the above post.

You handled it well. Don't make it a game, just calmly get her, reinforce the lesson (do not buy the toy, which you obviously did not).

The school email confuses me. It is their job to keep her safe. What are they asking you to do? It isn't really your job to give them some kind of...assurance...your child won't run away from them. At 2 years old, they should expect it and then be glad if she stays put!! I can see them wanting to inform you "Your dd ran away today and we had a bit of a scare. Next time, we will do x to make sure it doesn't happen again". I can even see them asking you if there is a specific approach that works at home. But they seem to imply they don't know how to handle this and I should think they would. It is very age appropriate behavior.
 
#4 ·
First off, I would not fret too much about the daycare. 3 yos run away sometimes, that is a fact. You cannot control your dd's mind. There is never a guarentee that a child will not run no matter how well disciplined they are. It is thier job to be aware of normal child behavior and be ready to chase if it comes to it.

On the store issue, is this something that happens often? Perhaps you could play chase games right before going to the store and explain how fun it is but that it is dangerous in a store or parking lot. It might just be her way of making a boring situation playful or finding a way to engage with you when you are guarenteed to play back. My temperment is such that I have a hard time with these sorts of behaviors so I try to avoid the situation. We stick to smaller stores where I do not have to worry that she will get lost, run out the door, or be abducted. When going to the inevitable larger store, I try and always have a chat with dd in the car about what sort of behavior fits the situation. We do not have much of a running problem, but we do have a wanting to press all of the credit card button problems. I lay it all out. That I will allow her to press the buttons that need pressing but that we need to stop when it starts to mess up the transaction. Remarkably, it seems to help a lot.
 
#7 ·
[

The school email confuses me. It is their job to keep her safe. What are they asking you to do? It isn't really your job to give them some kind of...assurance...your child won't run away from them. At 2 years old, they should expect it and then be glad if she stays put!! I can see them wanting to inform you "Your dd ran away today and we had a bit of a scare. Next time, we will do x to make sure it doesn't happen again". I can even see them asking you if there is a specific approach that works at home. But they seem to imply they don't know how to handle this and I should think they would. It is very age appropriate behavior.[/QUOTE]

I didn't quote the entire email. They did ask me to talk to Maggie and reinforce that this behavior is not OK. We have had some issues with this one particular teacher not being able to deal with some of her more challenging behaviors... and also with some behaviors that we don't feel are inappropriate at all. (ie breastfeeding the baby dolls!)

This daycare is part of my employee benefits and most of the time it's a good place for her....

Thanks for your response!
 
#8 ·
for me the not chasing thing wouldnt work as oscar never looks back to check he just goes and keeps going if he goes out my sight i have had it i cant find him

now what i do is sling the baby and put him in the pushchair or leave him home, it is just too dangerous otherwise

i am sure he will grow out of it eventually i have just learned that he is not capable of staying with me yet
 
#9 ·
My daughter loves to play chase, and I always expect that she'll run away any chance she gets, so I make sure to stay close by her, and try to give her lots of opportunities to play when it's safe and convenient for me.

I've been experimenting lately with just standing and waiting for her to come back (when we're in a safe situation); so far it works eventually, but I definitely wouldn't count on it near a parking lot or in a big store, etc.

It seems the thrill of the chase is pretty irresistable, so my strategy at this point is to avoid creating opportunites to run unless I want to play.

At the day care, high locks on the doors should prevent the kids from getting out on their own, since any child could sneak out to explore without being obviously chased. It is their job to keep Maggie safe. Her behavior is age appropriate, and they should be prepared for it.

It sounds like they would appreciate some help trying to prevent the chase game at school, and I do think there is some value in talking to your child about when is a good time to play chase, and when it's not helpful. And try to give her lots of time to play when it is okay. And you could recommend to the teachers that they not engage in the game, or do it as calmly as possible so it's not as much fun for her.
 
#10 ·
Hi,
My 3 year old DS just engaged in this running away behavior repeatedly in the Denver Intl Airport 2 days ago. I have to admit it really freaked me out. Totally! I was just recovering from the flu, exhausted and travelling alone with DS to get back home. I totally mishandled the situation and chased him every time and just hung onto his sweatshirt. And I got REALLY angry! He laughed and thought I was being very funny--even though i was furious. Looking back on it, I would have handled it differently, of course, and I learned a lot from the poster who said don't give chase. Being in such a huge public place with such limited internal resources was very challenging for me. I was so upset and frustrated. Does anyone have any other ideas for how to handle such a situation in a place like an airport?
Thanks!
Ambika-Ma
 
#11 ·
I talk a lot with my kids about using "shopping manners". We talk about what's expected of us when we have good shopping manners; staying together, talking quietly instead of shouting, staying in the cart, etc. (The subject matter is generally related to whatever aspect of shopping didn't work so well last time.) Usually, I bring the subject up as we're pulling into the parking lot and it seems to be the right time to keep them aware of it, without nagging about it after we're in the store and getting overstimulated by the lights and toys and color everywhere. If I wait until we're in the store, I can kiss it goodbye.

After rereading my post, I realized it sounded a little snooty. The reason I've had the chance to evaluate and work on this behavior ad nauseum is because my oldest has autism and running away without looking back was his status quo for several years. Once I found an approach that kept his attention long enough to keep him with me, I want to shout it from the rooftops. Plus I couldn't bear the thought of his impressionable little sister thinking it was okay to run away and watching the two of them disappear in opposite directions. He can finally be trusted not to vanish while I'm unbuckling the baby from her carseat. Maturity is so beautiful!

HTH a little,

Denise, mom to a 7,4 and 1yo
 
#12 ·
Thanks for all the good ideas. last couple of days have been better. I'm using the sling again, which she only likes when she's very tired, but tolerates most of the time. We also bought the doggie backpack with the "tail" (leash) She loves it! So we've been doing that and it has worked for the most opart, however, today, cleaning up our table at the neighborhood deli, I turned around for, I swear, less than a second, and she was at the door, heading right out to the parking lot! I lost it. When I caught her, I swatted her right on the butt. It shocked and horrified her and me too. We had a long talk about safety and about how frightened I was that she would run out into the street and be hurt.... I apologised to her for hitting and left it at that....So now feeling shitty for not being able to keep her safe AND for hitting her. I don't know if that's progress or not. Two steps forward and one back, I guess.
 
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