Modified time-out (I think) - is this GD or not? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 131 Old 05-15-2006, 11:21 PM
 
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I don't know if this was addressed specifically, since I only had time to read the first 3 pages of this (very interesting and helpful) thread, but I wanted to say something re: rabbits as pets.

IMO and IME bunnies are really not very good household pets and especially not for small children. They are really not happy being caged but they tend to wreak havoc (chewing through wires and such) when allowed to roam through the house. They are INCREDIBLY sensitive, fragile animals compared to dogs or cats. Lights bother them, loud noises bother them, toddlers terrify them I am sure. A toddler could also really hurt a rabbit (picking them up by the ears, etc.). It really seems like a lose-lose for both the toddler and the bunny to have one as a pet before the child is old enough to be a mature bunny caretaker. I speak from experience - my parents got my sister a bunny when she was little and it had a pretty sad (and scared) life, spending most of its time in a cage or being too-roughly handled by my sister and her friends, who thought that the bunny could be handled similarly to a cat. The poor thing would be so traumatized by being picked up and carried around that its little heart would about beat out of its chest. And my sister was 10 years old when she got the rabbit - still not mature enough to take care of such a needy, sensitive animal, although she did her best. Plus we did not have an outdoor space for the bunny to run. I would never have a rabbit and a toddler in the same household after learning more about them. There are rabbit rescues you can contact if you are interested in getting rid of the bunny. It just does not seem like the best situation and likely will continue to be a source of frustration for you, your DD and the rabbit.

JMO of course! I know they are so cute and cuddly, but they are deceptively difficult housepets. A kitten is actually much easier to deal with.
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#122 of 131 Old 05-16-2006, 03:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Yooper
OTOH, I can totally understand hot-button issues. Spills are not a biggie for me. But sleep is. My worst parenting moments have always involved sleep. I have had to FORCE myself to be calm when my mind was screaming.
Ditto here. It's like a Jekyl/Hyde thing sometimes, and I always end up feeling like crap about it when I am so HOT inside and just want to scream, "GO TO !&@^$!#! SLEEP, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED!!" - and some nights I do "scream" that repeatedly, inside my head . Some nights it takes every ounce of my normally "Zen" self to keep it under control in the sleep arena sometimes. Cosleeping has been a sanity saver for me.

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Originally Posted by Yooper
It sound slike a lot of what you are discussing here are hot button issues. Hearing everyone say that it is no big deal for them is probably frustrating.
Yooper, I think this is a great observation, really.



Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
I think part of my (very complex, it seems ) problem is that whenever I don't put my needs on hold for hers, and she tantrums or gets sad as a result, I feel guilty. And then I feel angry that I "have to" feel guilty about giving my agenda precedence over hers. Which then contributes to my feeling like I will lose my temper with her, which is why I gravitate toward solutions like the sofa thing.

If that makes any freaking sense at all to anyone but me.
Actually, this makes a LOT of sense to me...and ties in with Yooper's "hot button" idea above...

I have really gotten a lot out of this discussion and some other recent ones, I can't tell you all how much I am enjoying the board recently.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#123 of 131 Old 05-16-2006, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Now that this thread seems to be winding down, I just want to say a big THANK YOU to all the mamas who have helped out.

The straightforward critique and empathy for my struggling have been really helpful, and truly over the past few days I feel like this thread has revolutionized how I see my toddler's behaviour. I still don't have it all figured out, and this morning I found myself losing patience when she jumped in the puddles on the driveway and soaked her shoes. But I'm definitely seeing this stuff as being about impulse control, and not about her intentionally creating conflict, which is how I was seeing it before. And that shift in perspective is really lowering my stress and opening my mind to new possibilities for dealing with this stuff.

Anyway, thanks for the support and help. I really, really appreciate it! And so does my kid, I can tell.
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#124 of 131 Old 05-16-2006, 08:30 PM
 
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little flip flops can be your best friend... trust me, LOL! We have a few pairs of them and dd practically lives in hers because otherwise her shoes would always be wet or muddy.

I am glad you are finding your days a tiny bit less stressful.
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#125 of 131 Old 05-16-2006, 08:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Flipflops, yeah. The silly thing is we have flip-flops (that I bought after my last thread bemoaning her constant sandal removal ). Plus we have several pairs of really good shoes passed down from friends. I just was in a hurry and didn't want to go back in the house to grab them. She jumped in the small puddles, and I reminded her patiently and went to get her. Before I got there she got to the edge of the big puddle, and I called her name in an angry voice.

She stopped short of the big puddle, and I said, "Good for you, blahblah," but the stupid thing is her shoes were already soaked from the smaller puddles, and I had to go back in and get the other shoes. I could have been a little more chill about it, kwim? It's not like the puddle-jumping isn't predictable by now.

I think I'm not going to be one of the more zen-patient GD mamas. I'm a little high strung. But at least I'm not thinking she jumped in the puddles deliberately, and feeling like I have a "right" to feel angry, which was not a good road.
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#126 of 131 Old 05-16-2006, 08:53 PM
 
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ah i don't think there is such thing as a perfect zen-patient GD mama. We all have our issues... like someone else said before. For us its definately night time... I get very frustrated when she doesnt go to bed til 1 or 2 am cause thats my time, LOL. Or last night dd2 was screaming bloody murder for hours and I could not figure out why... i swear the neighbors probably think we were letting her CIO or something. So we all have our own things and the thing is we know it and we always work on it

I missed the post about the shoes before.... I have a dd who hates shoes. She takes them off and leaves them anytime she is sitting somewhere... hates hates hates to wear them. I know it sounds ridiculous but we have at least 3 pairs of flip flops just because of this lol. one for the car, one for the house and one for the diaper bag (just in case). So when I can I try to get her shoes on before we leave the house.. but if not or if she forgets she at least has back ups LOL. I can't complain too much tho cause I know how it feels, I hate shoes
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#127 of 131 Old 05-17-2006, 11:40 AM
 
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About the shoes thing....whenever my DD does something along those lines, I stop and think: what's the worst possible outcome? If it's not loss of life or limb, or destruction of expensive property, I let it go (unless of course we're on our way to a wedding or something and she has to stay clean/dry...but that's what extra outfits are for, too).

In this case, wet shoes. And what's the worst possible consequence of that? Well, she could whine that her shoes are wet. Or the shoes COULD be ruined (but most likely are not - stuff some newspaper in them when we get home and they'll be fine). The whining would be annoying, but a great place to point out that they're wet because she jumped in the puddles.

She's totally not out to "get you"...she's just exploring stuff. I honestly don't think I realized that my parents had wants and needs too until I went off to college!

If you've never read Playful Parenting, it's an eye opener and so worth the read.

this has been a great thread and I'm glad it's helped!

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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#128 of 131 Old 05-17-2006, 11:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by nancy926
She's totally not out to "get you"...she's just exploring stuff. I honestly don't think I realized that my parents had wants and needs too until I went off to college!
Yeah.

I was having an argument with a friend last night about this issue, and her perspective is that I spoil dd with nursing on demand and co-sleeping, and now that I am leaning this way in terms of discipline she is going to rule me and be a really selfish kid, that definitely a lot of her behaviours are about trying to be defiant, blahblah.

So I was talking about having reframed her behaviour as being about developmental incapacity to control impulses, lack of gross motor control (clumsiness with bunny), and about not having a sense of empathy developed enough to worry about my feelings.

My friend was all, "Well I don't buy that, she is developmentally advanced." Well it's true she has good verbal skills and is hard to mess with in terms of offering false choices to get her to do something she is not into (the whole "red dress or blue dress?" "I'm not getting dressed.")

But it has really become clear to me that 2.5 is a whole different being than an adult, which I knew before but I was really still applying some very adult expectations and interpretations of her behaviour.

I have several good GD mama friends, but the people that I spend the most time with are my roommate and one other friend, who is opinionated and childless. Those two get ranting, and they are not the most supportive context for my gentle parenting efforts.

ETA - I'm going to try to borrow Playful Parenting from a friend today.
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#129 of 131 Old 05-17-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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This may or may not be helpful, but I have puddle-jumpers and I love rainboots. Easy-on, easy-off, waterproof, and my kids love them. Yes, they look a little silly when it's not actually raining but whatever. My two year old dresses herself and never matches anyway (my MIL is always embarrassed, and tells me to make sure I let everyone know dd dresses herself so no none thinks I'm colorblind or just have really lousy taste).

Not that you need more footwear.

Oh, and zen-mommy is really hard to do all the time. I'd like to see some zen masters live with my kids for a day (okay, maybe a week) and see how zen they are at the end of it.
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#130 of 131 Old 05-17-2006, 02:27 PM
 
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I haven't read the other responses yet.

I think that if it's working and your attachment to your child isn't being tried (as in time out) then it's fine. You are redirecting her essentially. It's like the sofa is a reset button. She's allowed to interact with you and her surroundings. You comfort her. and IT WORKS! I say keep doing it. I'm glad you found something that's effective and gentle.

~laura
and planning to eat it again
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#131 of 131 Old 05-22-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
... her perspective is that I spoil dd with nursing on demand and co-sleeping, and now that I am leaning this way in terms of discipline she is going to rule me and be a really selfish kid, that definitely a lot of her behaviours are about trying to be defiant....
Oh please. My older DD still nurses (tho she has had her own bed for the past year) and she is not selfish in the least. I would say that 80% of the time she is a blast to be around. Kids don't "try" to be defiant -they're just testing out the world. It's adults that label them that way and then get caught in this cycle of attempting to control another person, which is impossible to do!

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
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