Would you have stepped in? - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-15-2006, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure what forum this goes in.

O.K, so, J.C Penney was having a great sale. (I love this store) You had to buy one item a the regular price and get one more for .99.

There was a little girl in the dressing room. She was about eight years old, and VERY heavy. SHe was trying on bathing suits. Her Mom MADE her go out into the store to her Dad to show him the bathing suit. She was so embarrassed. I have no idea why the dad didn't come closer so she didn't have to parade across the store.

She pleaded that she did not like it. Her Dad said that he did, and she needed to buy it.

I went into a waiting room to try on my clothes.

I couldn't help but overhear this little girl PLEADING with her Mom not to buy it. She warned her Mom that she wouldn't wear it. She was nearly in tears begging her Mom to PLEASE not buy it.

It was a WOMAN'S bathing suit. It was not anything that at the age of 42, I myself would wear. It was the kind of suit my 65 year old mother would buy. The girl was right, it looked awful on her.

I saw them in line, and they were buying the suit. The girl was still pleading. "PLease Daddy, I don't like it" She was mortified.

I couldn't stand it, so I spoke up. I asked if I could make a suggestion. I suggested they go across the mall to Sears and look at the Land's End Tankini suits, I told them that they would cover her properly, but they look a little younger.

The little girl said, "Please Daddy, can we just look? I don't like this"

Her Dad thanked me but explained that she is too young to make her own choices as to what she will and won't wear. I looked down at her, she was So unhappy. I just wanted to put my arm around her.

Would you have stepped in?
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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I dunno...but I'm glad you did!

Poor kid! At least she knew SOMEONE heard her!
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:55 PM
 
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I would not have stepped in. She was not being hurt. And honestly it was none of your business.
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:58 PM
 
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Actually, I liked the way you did it. You didn't critisize the parents but seemed to make a useful suggestion. They disagreed...and they're wrong. Poor kid...wonder why, at 8, she can't pick her own clothes out. My oldest DC will be 8 in a couple of weeks...I just can't imagine having a "clothing war" with him. Why would I EVER care what he has on, I don't have to wear it!! (As long as it's clean, weather appropriate, etc...)

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:58 PM
 
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it sounds to me like she was being hurt a lot. I'm glad you said something, and you said it very nicely. Her parents sound very mean (meaner than someone just yelling at their kid for misbehaving.)
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Old 05-15-2006, 12:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tifnglen
I would not have stepped in. She was not being hurt. And honestly it was none of your business.
She sure was being hurt, just not physically.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:00 PM
 
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I think your attempt to help was great! Poor kid.
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:00 PM
 
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I don't like confrontations so I may not have stepped in, but I'm really glad you did. And it's not like you told them to shut up and leave her alone. You gave a valid suggestion. That little girl IS going to remember this hurt for a long time if not the rest of her life.
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:01 PM
 
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I love the way you handled it! I probably wouldn't have stepped in because I'm not one who deals well with public confrontation, but may I say I admire you so much for attempting to ease the situation for that girl. Poor girl, I feel so bad for her.
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:02 PM
 
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I think you did the exact right thing--offered a suggestion to satisfy what _seemed_ to be both her and her parents' needs. Too bad they didn't even go look. It doesn't sound like you were too pushy.

I disagree with the pp--they WERE hurting her. Humiliating her in the store, and who knows what will happen all summer.

I remember with horror the 2-piece my mother insisted I wear when probably 7 or 8. I was a little chubby and very shy (she did not approve) and did not want to be 1) wearing so little or 2) worrying about the ties of the top coming undone while I did sommersaults and played in the pool. So I got to hear all summer about how I wasted her money and I should never get another suit, ever. Constant humililation and nagging are no fun for anyone.
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm
She sure was being hurt, just not physically.
How so?

It still was none of her business. How would you feel if someone in a store said you need to spank you dc?
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tifnglen
How so?
She was beign HUMILIATED and PLEADING with her parents to not get that suit - and her parents were completely ignoring her - that seems pretty hurtful to me...

Physical pain is not the only kind of pain a parent can inflict, and emotional pain is often times even more insidious.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:14 PM
 
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She was being publically humiliated & emotionally abused!!
What if they suggested I spank??
Well, in THIS case the OP was trying to DEFUSE a situation with common sence to HELP a child. In YOUR senario someone is suggesting I HURT my child. How is it the same?????

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tifnglen
How so?
Like we've said before, she was being emotionally hurt. Would you treat you own child the same way, if you ever have them?
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tifnglen
How would you feel if someone in a store said you need to spank you dc?
I'd feel bad for any of their kids that they thought that hitting their child was an acceptable way to parent them.

The OP was NOT telling the parents how to parent their child, she just suggested there as a store that had more age appropriate suits available nearby. It's not like she said, "You're horrible people for humiliating your daughter."...she just offered a suggestion about bathing suits for a kid. I've had conversations with people and suggested and had suggestions made to me for other places where I could find soemthing I was looking for. OP was tryign to find a way to help the little girl WITHOUT attackign their parenting, and I think she did it beautifully. I'm just sorry for that little girl, and agree with the PP who said at least SOMEONE heard her (even if it wasn't her own parents)

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Old 05-15-2006, 01:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tifnglen
How so?

It still was none of her business. How would you feel if someone in a store said you need to spank you dc?

thats completely different and you know it.

How was she being harmed? Humiliation?.... Sorry, but if my mom tried to put me in clothes I didn't like as a child at best they never came out of the cloest at worst I would come home naked. She would ask me where the clothes went, usually shoes, and I would say they got lost in the swamp.


Being forced to wear or do something (like this) is humiliation. If a dad insists the daughter hold the hand while crossing the street, fine, no need to intervine. If a daughter is pleading and crying in the middle of the store and the dad is still telling her she is going to wear something as personal as a swimsuit she doesn't feel comfortable in, then that is humiliation.


What if your dad got you a 2 piece when you were 9 or 10 and just starting to develope, you didn't want to wear a 2 piece and your dad said 'Sorry, you are a woman now and you will wear what I tell you, big girls wear 2 piece swim suits." *EDIT* However he said you were to young to shave your arms legs or arm pits.

Would that be harmful to a girl who then goes out to get gawked at and talked about by the boys in her class when all she wanted to do was fit in?


Social humiliation is harm.

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Old 05-15-2006, 01:21 PM
 
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~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:25 PM
 
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Just wanted to saw what you did was awsome. I probably wouldn't have; I'm too shy. You also showed her that there is kind people out there ever if she does not see that at home often. --Michelle
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Old 05-15-2006, 01:41 PM
 
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Thank you SO much for stepping in. She was being hurt. I can't see how any parent could not see that :

Poor little girl
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:04 PM
 
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Good for you for chatting with them so nicely. Perhaps your statements will rumble around in the father's head and someday he'll look at the nice, modest Land's End suits rather than shop in the old lady section.

As to the question of how she was being hurt...I started my first diet when I was 9. And I wasn't, in retrospect, heavy at all. But I felt it, and that feeling was deep in my soul, and hurt every moment I thought of it. If my mom hadn't been the nice mom she was, if she made me wear awful clothing that made me look WORSE than I already felt...I would still be hurt.

Being that heavy at 8 is damaging, and being forced to wear horrid clothing, probably out of some odd punishment on the part of the parents, makes a bad situation even more terrible.
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:29 PM
 
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I think what you did was perfect, but going any further would have been inappropriate. You can't force people to be more sensitive to their children's feelings, but you did give them a practical suggestion and that was a good idea.
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tifnglen
I would not have stepped in. She was not being hurt. And honestly it was none of your business.
She wasn't being hurt? Who are you kidding? Have you neverheard of emotional pain?:
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:36 PM
 
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I think that you were reasonably polite about it...and that little girl knows that at least one adult thinks her opinion matters.
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Old 05-15-2006, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mollyeilis
As to the question of how she was being hurt...I started my first diet when I was 9. And I wasn't, in retrospect, heavy at all. But I felt it, and that feeling was deep in my soul, and hurt every moment I thought of it. If my mom hadn't been the nice mom she was, if she made me wear awful clothing that made me look WORSE than I already felt...I would still be hurt.
.
I was extremely thin as a child, and as a young adult. (my nick name was peglegs) I remember vividly wanting something to fit me, and envisioning how I would look in it. I was always so disappointed when nothing fit right. Except those horrid polyester suits. (in the 70s) I REFUSED to wear them. I would wear hand me down boys jeans before I would wear polyester. My bought me TWO outfits, told me how nice I looked, but learned her lesson. She never made me feel bad. To this day, I wish I had owned a pair of girls jeans with appliqued flower power pockets.

It is terrible not to fit in. But, to have your parents force you to wear something that makes you more noticeable, it must be even worse.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm
She was being publically humiliated & emotionally abused!!
What if they suggested I spank??
Well, in THIS case the OP was trying to DEFUSE a situation with common sence to HELP a child. In YOUR senario someone is suggesting I HURT my child. How is it the same?????
In both cases people are butting in your business and telling you how to parent. There are people who think spanking does DEFUSE a situation and others dont. Just MYOB unless it is extreme.

I guess i feel this way bc i know people who have gotten beat up trying to make suggestions about others parenting styles.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:20 PM
 
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Well, it's a risk, but if you judge the situation and try to intervene in a non-confrontational way, that minimizes the risk.

I don't think behaving out of fear is the greatest idea.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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I think the suggestion made to the girl's parents was fine. Maybe they didn't know that there are other places to get swimming suits and perhaps they will think about it and end up where the OP suggested.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tifnglen
How so?

It still was none of her business. How would you feel if someone in a store said you need to spank you dc?
Wow...I'm just curious as to how you can find this so humorous?:
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tifnglen
In both cases people are butting in your business and telling you how to parent. There are people who think spanking does DEFUSE a situation and others dont. Just MYOB unless it is extreme.
"Can't you see your daughter is upset? You should take her to this store instead."

THAT'S telling someone how to parent.

"I saw some great tankini swimsuits down the hall at this other store, if you're interested."

That's not saying *anything* about his parenting. It's a simple, friendly suggestion and information he may not have had before. There's a clear distinction between the two types of statements.
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Old 05-15-2006, 03:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Wow...I'm just curious as to how you can find this so humorous?:
Its funny how you people think getting into someones business is ok. You all do not help raise other peoples children do you.
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