I bought Dobson's Dare to Discipline - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 84 Old 07-05-2006, 01:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JustJamie
Thank goodness for boredom...

I was sitting here, bored because my DD seems perfectly content playing with a cardboard box on her own and completely oblivious to my attempts to play with her...anyway, as I read through this thread, I identified something I should have realized years ago.

My mother is a Dobson-ite. To this day, she criticizes and belittles me, and challenges my parenting methods. She has also used a phrase many times throughout my life that I'm sure had to have come from Dobson. "You may not respect me, but you WILL fear me." Why the hell would she WANT her child(ren) to FEAR her??? It would break my heart if my DD were afraid of me!

I will confess that I have used corporal punishment on my DD from time to time, and sitting here reading this thread has made me realize that what I thought was harmless truly is not.

My daughter is 11 months old, and is breastfed. She has a tendency to pinch and/or bite while nursing. I was told to flick her cheek or hand when she does, so I have been. The last few days I've noticed that she immediately hides her face whenever I flick her hand or cheek. Well, no wonder! She HAS learned from the flicking...she's learned to be afraid of me! So never again. I will find other ways to deal with the pinching and/or biting, and I hope she will forgive me for my mistakes thus far.
mama.

So glad you have stumbled accross MDC. Welcome and hang around for a while! There are lots of wise mamas here that I am constantly learning from.

Hope to see you around GD board often
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#62 of 84 Old 07-05-2006, 08:55 PM
 
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#63 of 84 Old 07-05-2006, 09:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by luckylady
On the subject of paddles - growing up we had a paddle - a thick piece of wood with holes drilled in it for extra pain.

My mom would say "this hurts me more than it hurts you."

until one day when I was 12 I said "Oh really, then how about YOU bend over."

I got the beating of a life. But it was the last one.
I'm sorry for being so insentitive, but I admit I laughed when I read this

I laugh because I experienced similar things. And it's sad, it's just funny how well you handle it. "how about YOU bend over?" :

man, if I ever told my dad that I probably wouldn't be here. Or I'd still have a belt mark on me :
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#64 of 84 Old 07-06-2006, 02:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Joannarachel
I'd completely forgotten about the neck pinch. That just brought back some crappy memories
Me too. No wonder I couldnt stand to have my neck/shoulders rubbed for a really long time. My mom just told me the other day how she thinks Dobson is a parenting genius. Makes me want to vomit.

~Rebecca~
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#65 of 84 Old 07-07-2006, 08:54 PM
 
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oh my GOD! I got the neck pinch all the time. It HURTS.
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#66 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 12:08 AM
 
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Geez, growingup , there was this HUGE Gothard curriculum /manual thing under our tv. My dad studied it supposedly.

And James Dobson was the MAN. And Michael Pearl was the *new* MAN. We didnt discover him until i was a teen , thank God.

My parents made some serious mistakes...

Joannarachell.....it sounds like we have the same parents.. every time I read one of your posts, I think "Me too!"

All done in the name of God....makes me sick.
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#67 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 12:09 AM
 
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#68 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 11:55 AM
 
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I can totally relate to funshine and hucks_mom. I grew up in a very strict and rigid household. Spanking was the discipline method of choice (even though my mom admits it "didn't work for me". My parents always told us that parents who didn't spank were harming their children by not training them properly etc. They were forever running down other forms of discipline etc. Some how my mom never made us CIO, breastfed us and coslept, but totally missed the boat on discipline. She has a wicked temper and was always yelling, belittling, taking her frustration (at my father) out on us. We definately feared her. Some how I believed them about the spanking though. I made up my mind never to lose it on my children, but I thought spanking was ok. When I finally had my own children, spanking seemed so wrong, but my husband kept convincing me that we had to for their greater good. Because of the way I was raised I always would just suppress my feelings and go with the "authority." So yes, I'm ashamed to admit, I spanked my children. Thank God, my friend loaned me Dr. Sears discipline book. I promptly read the chapter on spanking and closed to book. It was too much for me, at the time, to admit that I was doing something so harmful. How could everything my dh and I were raised with be so horrible. I finally realized my disciplining methods were out of control. My third child is extremely high needs. I found myself yelling at the kids and taking my frustrations out on them and speaking to them in a belittling fashion. Oh my goodness I'm my mother I would think.

Finally it was time for me to face reality. I read the book, did some soul searching and realized I could change the way I was programmed it would just take some work. I am such a better parent since spanking is no longer an option. I actually have to sit down and think about why the behavior is happening and what I can do to make it better. My kids are happier and we have so much more peace in our home. Now I just have to get my husband on board all the way. He doesn't really spank any more but we have to be more gentle. Now I just have to get the stuff out of my mind about "you'll do what I say cause I'm the mom and that's it." I'm realizing (thanks to all you wonderful women) that we treat children as such lesser beings. People are so much more accomidating of adults behaviour. Why can't we do the same for children?

Right now, I'm fighting the To Train Up a Child (Pearl) battle with my "friends". I actually know a lot of people who think it is the discipline book par excellance. Yuck! Even though I did occasionally spank my kids I NEVER would have followed that book. I read part of it the other day and I was FUMING!

Anyway, thank you for reading this long post. It has been a very painful journey, but one I'm SO happy I'm making!
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#69 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 12:00 PM
 
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Oh ya, I forgot to add. My parents discovered To Train Up a Child when I was 14. The promptly decided that it was the answer to all their child problems and started implementing it. Yes, I was 14 and getting switched on the back of my legs for my "rebellion" and "defiance." Dude! That was not cool! My mom & dad made some very serious mistakes, but I love them!
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#70 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 02:46 PM
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And people wonder why we live in such a violent society : I never even thought to look for those books when I'm out thift shopping but gosh, now I will. I too, saying it how I would had it been done by anyone other than my mom, got the snot beat out of me growing up. I never went at parenting with the thought of gd, never even heard of the concept. What did it for me was how strange it seemed to tell her not to hit but then turn around and hit her. It just seemed wrong. That said I do believe my kids should know how to defend themselves and in general have control over their bodies- they are both in karate. So sure, don't hit but be able to defend yourself I know that I would have a hard time landing a hit on my kids
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#71 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 02:48 PM
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Oh and as for biting while nursing- I did flick dd lips she she did a couple times. She cried, looking at me like I just crushed her world. Thus making me bawl. I quit doing that and just removed her from the feeding station. She caught on real quick
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#72 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 02:52 PM
 
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just wanted to pop in to say that the last time my library had a book sale, I bought 3 Ezzos and 2 Dobsons and tore them up on the spot in front of everyone, including one library worker who said she thought Dobson is wonderful (gag) and the other library worker who applauded me while I did it. I had a loud dialogue with the one who thinks Dobson is great and at least got her thinking...

Best 1.25$ I ever spent!
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#73 of 84 Old 07-08-2006, 05:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dove
just wanted to pop in to say that the last time my library had a book sale, I bought 3 Ezzos and 2 Dobsons and tore them up on the spot in front of everyone, including one library worker who said she thought Dobson is wonderful (gag) and the other library worker who applauded me while I did it. I had a loud dialogue with the one who thinks Dobson is great and at least got her thinking...

Best 1.25$ I ever spent!
i LOVE this! way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#74 of 84 Old 07-09-2006, 02:28 AM
 
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i LOVE this! way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#75 of 84 Old 07-09-2006, 04:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dove
just wanted to pop in to say that the last time my library had a book sale, I bought 3 Ezzos and 2 Dobsons and tore them up on the spot in front of everyone, including one library worker who said she thought Dobson is wonderful (gag) and the other library worker who applauded me while I did it. I had a loud dialogue with the one who thinks Dobson is great and at least got her thinking...
That is a great idea, to throw them away or destroy them in front of the people you're buying it from! When I buy books only to throw them away, I don't even want the cashiers thinking that I'm just an average parent buying this average parenting book! I would not want them to think that I think it's a good book! I think I need to start actively going to used book sales and thrift stores just to get these books out of circulation!
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#76 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 12:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by peacelovingmama
Wow -- that is a good point.

Also, I used to post on a mainstream board. Of course, I spent a lot of time advocating against hitting children (on the debate board). Many steadfastly defended it. Then, one day someone posted a debate on hitting dogs (a "do--you-or-don't-you" kind of thing) and several of the child-hitters opined strongly against hitting dogs. I was so dumbfounded: :
Maybe they're just afraid of getting bit, since a pissed off, frightened dog can hurt you pretty bad.

I also think it's so odd that people care more about Dobson's dog than his kids. But I have to admit that I occasionally spank my dog, usually in a kind of "go on and get out of here" way, or to get him to stay down. I don't feel that kind of nauseated awful feeling when I hear of people beating their dogs like when I hear about people beating their kids, either. I feel sorry for mistreated animals in an abstract, sympathetic way. Mistreated children keep me up at night.

I know I'm kind of a species-ist, but I think people that can rationalize better treatment of their animals than their children need to have their heads examined.

Mommy to kids

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#77 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 12:48 PM
 
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I have to say that I really like Dr. Dobson. While I do not like his position on spanking, I do like his views on the family, how he encourages moms to stay home and dads to be more involved with their families. I subscribe to his focus on the family, and like LLL says I take what I like and leave the rest. I also have his book Raising Boys, and it is really interesting to see for example how public schools are geared more towards teaching girls, not boys. He even has a section on homeschooling.

Janet ~ Wife to Bryon (Ret. USN), Mama to Korbyn(12)homebirth.jpg, Koltyn (7)homebirth.jpgribboncesarean.gif, and Kashlynn (6/23/09)vbac.gif Our long awaited little girl!! ... a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (proverbs 31:30)

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#78 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 01:08 PM
 
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Not to drive this too far off-topic, but there is a recent study that tends to de-bunk the schools are geared to girls not boys sentiment.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...062501047.html

I think that Debra Baker has done a wonderful job pointing out how much of the stuff you intend to leave gets into one's parenting when you surround yourself with, well, swill, of the sort that Dobson presents. It's not a risk I recommend folks take. There are wonderful, inspirational voices to listen to which do not set up an adversarial relationship between family members.
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#79 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 01:20 PM
 
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Can't stand Focus on the Family and their sexist, homophobic poop. :
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#80 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 01:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by chfriend
Not to drive this too far off-topic, but there is a recent study that tends to de-bunk the schools are geared to girls not boys sentiment.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...062501047.html

I think that Debra Baker has done a wonderful job pointing out how much of the stuff you intend to leave gets into one's parenting when you surround yourself with, well, swill, of the sort that Dobson presents. It's not a risk I recommend folks take. There are wonderful, inspirational voices to listen to which do not set up an adversarial relationship between family members.

Chfriend thank you for the link, it is an excellent article. You are so right about surrounding yourself with like minded people. I appricate your imput... To me the boy argument was not so much about education, as the approach to teaching boys in school i.e. sitting still, playground play, etc. Any child, given the right support in school and at home, I feel can succeed... I am very involved in my local AP group, so I like to think I surround myself with like minded people. I just really like what Dr. Dobson had to say about the family. I get the news letter every month (for both big kids and little guys). I have to honestly say I have never read anything about spanking in his newsletter, or I do not think I would continue to subscibe to it. Most of what I read, reniforces family values we have in our home.

Janet ~ Wife to Bryon (Ret. USN), Mama to Korbyn(12)homebirth.jpg, Koltyn (7)homebirth.jpgribboncesarean.gif, and Kashlynn (6/23/09)vbac.gif Our long awaited little girl!! ... a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (proverbs 31:30)

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#81 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 01:45 PM
 
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Whew. My instant response when I read the thread title was, "um, why??!!??" LOL. Good. One less piece of trash cluttering up perfectly good bookshelves.
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#82 of 84 Old 07-10-2006, 01:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by peacelovingmama
Dobson’s wife whipped their 15 month old daughter for going onto the patio in the rain. Dobson says to show “parental warmth after such discipline” and to have a “Loving conclusion to the disciplinary encounter.” (p. 38, Dobson)
I tried to read this book once... I'd gone to the library and selected a range of books hoping to find ideas. I made it exactly as far as this story and closed the book. My dd was only about a year old and I was still trying to find my parenting "style" but I knew that this was just plain wrong.

If I remember right the wife had gone out the front door to do something (get firewood maybe?) and the 15 month old kept trying to follow her. Well duh! A young toddler wants to follow her mom and you punish her?!? I just remember thinking that the wife was at fault for causing this situation, the daughter was just being 15 months old.

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#83 of 84 Old 07-12-2006, 05:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MomToKandE
I tried to read this book once... I'd gone to the library and selected a range of books hoping to find ideas. I made it exactly as far as this story and closed the book. My dd was only about a year old and I was still trying to find my parenting "style" but I knew that this was just plain wrong.

If I remember right the wife had gone out the front door to do something (get firewood maybe?) and the 15 month old kept trying to follow her. Well duh! A young toddler wants to follow her mom and you punish her?!? I just remember thinking that the wife was at fault for causing this situation, the daughter was just being 15 months old.
OMG! That poor baby . . . .

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#84 of 84 Old 07-12-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MomToKandE
If I remember right the wife had gone out the front door to do something (get firewood maybe?) and the 15 month old kept trying to follow her. Well duh! A young toddler wants to follow her mom and you punish her?!? I just remember thinking that the wife was at fault for causing this situation, the daughter was just being 15 months old.
Wow, that is horrible. I can't imagine *punishing* my 15mo for going out into the rain! Splashing, giggling, getting some cute pictures, and then coming inside for a warm bath, maybe ...
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