If you were spanked as a child... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.

However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

I was heavily spanked as a child and would act out even more when spanked - which only lead to even more, harder, spanking. I think that now as a parent myself, it makes me think my parents were only acting out their own anger and frustration. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid, but obviously spanking wasn't effective for me.

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.
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#2 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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I for one was never "fed" the "spanking out of love" thing, so I do not have experience with that.

When I was spanked I saw (analyzing it now) -

1) my mom completely losing it
2) doing it because she knew "others" were expecting a show (she valued the opinion of "others" to a mind-boggling extreme)
3) doing it because "that's what you supposed to do"
4) my father "getting even" and "showing me my proper place"

I would not speak for all the "spankees", but I believe if I saw a better way to teach kids i would have caught on earlier (I admit to spanking DS a few times in his early years. It was about 15 years ago, though, I was a child myself and did what children do - tried to "model" my parents, but could not bring myself to do it "efficiently" enough and statrted hiding "my weakness" )
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#3 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:32 PM
 
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I was spanked as a kid. Not past the age of at most 5. Mostly what I remember about it is being extremely embarassed when it was done in public. My parents didn't hit hard enough for it to hurt, but I felt it was very shaming.
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#4 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:39 PM
 
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I was spanked as a child. I don't know (in realy life) anyone my age who wasn't. My parents didn't use it for everything, just big "you need to remember not to do this again" things.

I know there are other alternatives, but in 1975 and both of them working and in their early 20s, they didn't look for or know of alternatives and they just did what everyone else did. I don't have a problem with that.

I don't feel I was abused, and didn't feel abused at the time. I don't spank, won't spank, and my parents support that. For one thing, I have a brother who is 25 years younger than me and even my parents say things are "different now" and people just "know about more things." In other words, there are more alterntives and they use them.

This, to me, is just the natural evolution of things. Before my generation of kids who were spanked, my parent's generation was for the most part treated much more harshly, as were the children of the generation before them.

My parents were, in my opinion, fairly consistent in their expectations and consequences and they didn't spank or punish for every little thing. Honestly, my idea of "discipline" is very similar to theirs, I just don't spank. I feel that if we all know the expectations, the expectations are reasonable, and the consequences are relevent and predictable...well, at least we're on the right track.

I just don't have all this rage and resentment about being spanked.
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#5 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:41 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloth4Colin
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?
Both.

I understand the desire to spank, the feeling of needing to DO SOMETHING, to punish, the need for an "or else." I understand how easy it is to spank versus all the hard hard hard work of preventing the situations that would lead us to a place where I want to punish.

But I also have the benefit of seeing how that played out for my mom. Mom is like the Queen of Hearts, "ALL ways are MY ways." I don't think she thinks of herself that way, but honestly, even now that her kids are adults, she still thinks her feelings/desires/plans/etc should trump ours. It's a ridiculous control issue. She has very little respect for her kids as human beings and very little ability to step outside of her own feelings and consider the feelings of others. Little ability to give the benefit of the doubt. Her adult kids don't like her. We love her because she's our mom, and she does have redeeming qualities, but she's not a good friend to us. Spanking and other reactionary discipline techniques were part of what set up years and years of power struggle between her and us. I don't want that for my kids.

Quote:
I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.
I'm sure that's true. I have struggled horribly for the past year with spanking/discipline issues. But like I said, I'm also more inclined to fight against that and to work toward change.

Maybe it's that being spanked affects the baseline parenting urges...but who they are, how they approach the world in general, what they think of their relationship with their parents, how "in their head" they parent, etc will all affect what they do with that urge. Do they give in to it? Do they fight it?

Many people don't question the way they were brought up, so those people are probably more likely to become spankers. One fortunate thing about my upbringing is that I was raised to question the status quo. And I tend to live in my head a lot, I over-think things all the time. So I have thought about my parents and myself a LOT and read a lot about parenting philosophies and their applications...and that's what has resulted in our working toward a more gentle parenting style.

may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know  - e.e. cummings
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#6 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 03:55 PM
 
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I should also add that I don't think it was the spanking per se that created the power issues between my mom and her kids. I think she spanked as a part of a larger philosophy of "because I said so" parental control and a view of children as trying to manipulate adults and "get away with" bad behavior.

It was the way she thought about and related to her kids that resulted in the current state of affairs. It wasn't just the spanking.

Nor do I consider myself to be abused - at least not as far as the spanking went. Again, it was the nature of the relationship itself that hurt.

I do think that there may be parents who only spank because they think they have to but who relate to their children with respect the rest of the time. Maybe. And maybe it's easier for those kids to be gentle?


As a side note: I remember my mom speaking derisively about "parent effectiveness training" and parents who try to be their kids' friends and "permissive" parents. I realized recently that my parenting is a lot like a family friend's parenting. My mom really rolled her eyes about that family for their parenting, Waldorf schooling, and other crunchy lifestyle choices. Oddly I have ended up closer to their choices (by sheer coincidence, I didn't know them well enough growing up for them to shape me that way) than to my mom's choices. And for all their *horrible* lifestyle choices, those kids seem happy and well adjusted now, and minus the mommy baggage that the kids in my family have.

may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know  - e.e. cummings
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#7 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 04:04 PM
 
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Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

Well, I can understand where they were coming from-- abusive childhoods of their own, depression and anxiety problems and poor coping skills. But that doesn't make me now think it was okay.

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children. However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

Yes, I started out saying I would never spank my son, and then I did anyway, because it was like this automatic response. I was perpetuating my mom's parenting style (not as bad though.) But I felt so badly about it, I made the effort to STOP a couple of months ago. I put a big red star on the calendar for the last day I would ever hot my son, and then went on bravely from there. Well, it turned out I did hit him two other times after that, but that was it. It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

I don't think it's a case of them wanting to, per se, but that, like me, they may just not know any other way, and when it's an automatic reaction, it seems natural and normal, which makes it seem okay. Also there is a sense of comfort, scurity, and continuity in carrying on the tradtions of your forbears . . . even when they are wrong wrong wrong. I think people who are in tune with their consciences can feel that it's not right, but those who have become more selfish and morally numbed don't know-- or don't want to know.

♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥

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#8 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 04:14 PM
 
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My situation is a little different in that my mom didnt start being physically violent with me until I was older, like in elementary school. Before that she never spanked or hit. Either way violence is violence and it DOES have an effect on me. I find old feelings returning when my 1 year old challenges my patience, ( I just posted about this too! ) And I hate it because I do not want to ever hit my children but the urge is there. I guess I'm still largely in denial about where those feelings stem from. In a strange way I'm glad I had the abusive experiences because I KNOW for sure that that is not the way I want to raise my children- no questions about that.
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#9 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 04:51 PM
 
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I was spanked, and a belt used on my bare butt. At 2 years old and beyond. It was b/c they "loved" me. But it seemed to happen when they were angry, and having a bad day. (the car broke down, bad day at work, fight with inlaws or each other, etc) I could have hardly did anything wrong at all... Maybe cried too long after scraping my knee or something, and then I would get "something to cry about" if I didn't stop crying on command. I wont hit dd (when she is older, she is now only 10 months so spanking hasn't even come to mind yet) , and I won't b/c I do love her and do not wish to hurt or humiliate her. If I am angry, I can give MYSELF a time out so I do not hurt her. Even if it means her crying alone. (I will probably get flamed for saying that) It is better for me to settle down and let her cry alone a few minutes, than for me to hit her out of anger/frustration that is getting out of hand.
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#10 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 04:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irinam
I for one was never "fed" the "spanking out of love" thing, so I do not have experience with that.

When I was spanked I saw (analyzing it now) -

1) my mom completely losing it
2) doing it because she knew "others" were expecting a show (she valued the opinion of "others" to a mind-boggling extreme)
3) doing it because "that's what you supposed to do"
4) my father "getting even" and "showing me my proper place"
ITA. We were never spanked out of "love," only out of revenge, fear, and anger. I am working HARD to prevent those same feelings from taking over me and I can definitely say that my experience of being hit as a kid has made me that much more determined not to do it myself.

Also, I can see how it makes people more likely to do it as adults. I have many times had to stop myself from smacking dd. I am horrified and embarassed by this, but it's true! In most instances, she did something that provoked a strong emotion that overwhelmed me; often it is fear. It takes alot of daily effort and some lifestyle changes to manage my emotions and not slip into the strong pull of habit. I can see how not everyone is up for making those kinds of changes.
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#11 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 05:34 PM
 
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I honestly don't mind that I was spanked as a kid. My mom saved it for important things. I was probably spanked no more than 5 times in my entire upbrining. I never felt shamed. I was just sad that I disapointed my mom. I don't spank now because I don't see the point if I can parent without it. I remember my mother being very sad after she'd swat me (I never got more than one or two swats at a time). Sometimes she'd just hold me on her lap afterword and we'd shed a tear together until we both felt better. I was always sent to my room while my mother decided what to do....she never spanked in anger.

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
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#12 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 05:54 PM
 
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I was spanked. We were never swatted at in a moment of anger, or overwhelmedness, but we were spanked at times when we insisted on not cooperating or if we did something that was judged a very bad decision. I remember one particular instance when my (male and older) cousins were at our house, and we all climbed into a tree by the street and threw things at the cars driving by. Pieces of the tree, not rocks or anything...but still not a great decision. My dad lined us all up and spanked us on our bottoms with a belt. One of the very few times I got the belt, and damn, it hurt. My mother usually handled spanking instances fairly well, it was a decision made to spank, she would send us to our rooms for a few minutes so she would calm down and then come spank us. She actually said once, "I'm not going to lie and say that this hurts me more than it hurts you. It's not true. I hate doing it, but I know it hurts you more."

Personally, it made me feel strongly about not spanking. My mother has since said that she thinks that I, a highly, highly sensitive and timid child, should never have been spanked. She's also admitted that she struggled a great deal with anger (alcoholic, absent husband, no parental support, moved 6x in two years, so no friends or support system) with my older sister, who was highly spirited, and physically punished her in ways that she now considers to be abuse...like a slap on the face, or a bruise left on the legs a few times. She is horribly ashamed about it, and has asked our forgiveness many times. I think her transparency about her decisions and hearing her regrets has helped me so much cement the idea that I think there are so many better ways to discipline than spank. I need to tell her that, BTW. I'm glad I answered.

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#13 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 06:05 PM
 
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I was spanked as a child. My mother raised me by herself. I do see where she was coming from, but only because that's all that she knew. That's what everyone did. IMHO, my spankings felt more like my mother releasing her own frustrations as opposed to punishing bad behavior. It was also very shaming even when not done in front of other people. That's the main reason I don't plan to spank. The way spankings made me feel inside was more damaging and lasted longer than the physical pain.

Even though I plan on being the exception, I see why spanked ppl will be more likely to spank. First, it's just what you know. It also is an homage to what your parents did. Of course our parents did what they felt was best for us, so it must be right. Also when you spank, you know that the child was affected by your discipline, because you see them cry.

I have more thoughts, but its time to nurse.

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#14 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 07:28 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloth4Colin
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

...

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.
I was never spanked in the heat of the moment. It was always a 'reasoned' decision, as if they had contemplated all possible other solutions and it was the best one available.

I think that people who were spanked out of anger might be more likely to spank, because it's a learned response to anger. (For example - when my parents fought, one of them would often go out for a drive before coming back to work it out. Dh and I were married 3 or 4 years before I learned a different pattern.) Since it was literally used a 'discipline technique' and not in anger, I think I'm less likely to spank.

I hated it, though, and looking back, I hate it even more. Their decision to spank comes from an entirely different worldview, that people are inherently 'bad' and that it's up to parents to get them to behave 'good,' because otherwise, children will run wild and become tools of the devil or something. Every time I sense myself doing anything discipline-wise similar to them, I cringe, because it reminds me of that attitude. Not everything they did was anti-GD, but I still mentally associate it with that.

Kash, homeschooling mommy to Gillian (8/5/00) and Jacob (3/23/05)
and Brigid Eleanor (11/20/08)
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#15 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 07:33 PM
 
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I was spanked as a child and was told the old "this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you" bull! I vividly remember the pain as well as my vow to never get caught doing whatever it was I was getting spanked for.

Not once did I think, wow, I deserve this pain. I won't do that again because I see the error of my ways! I learned to lie and be secretive. Two things I don't want my child to inherit!

Oh, and I remember thinking I hated my mother more than anything! Another thing I would like to avoid!

I will never raise a hand to my child. Look, my childhood was sucky for so many reasons that I decided at the age of 18 to go to school and study early childhood education and become a teacher so that I could learn how to some day be a better parent than the one I got!

Having been a preschool teacher and not allowed to use punitive discipline anyway, I managed just fine to keep my class of 18 children under control, so I know that spanking is completely unneccessary.

I am sure that if I didn't get into teaching, I would be concerned about following in my spanking-mother's footsteps.

But I dont! Thank goodness
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#16 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 07:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloth4Colin
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children.

However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

I was heavily spanked as a child and would act out even more when spanked - which only lead to even more, harder, spanking. I think that now as a parent myself, it makes me think my parents were only acting out their own anger and frustration. Granted, I wasn't an easy kid, but obviously spanking wasn't effective for me.

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.
My history sounds a lot like yours. It was one major reason we decided never to spank, because spanking never did much for me except make me hate my mom a little -- and sometimes more than a little -- when I didn't have to, and predispose me to act out by hitting when angry, something I've worked hard to control for the last thirty years.

When my dd was about 2, she was having a really bad meltdown and my mom stuck her finger in my face, and said, "If I were you, I'd spank her."

For all the times she swore that she never spanked in anger, I recognized that face and I realized in that split second that it had all been a lie. Of course she'd spanked me in anger.

I looked at her and said, "But you're not me."
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#17 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 07:42 PM
 
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My step-Dad was the one that really spanked me, my Mom would only send me to my room, and my real Dad only spanked me a couple of times. For the most part I was a well behaved child, and I was terrified of being spanked, because when I was my Step-Dad would spank me so hard he would leave hand prints. He did feel bad about it, and would come to me and apologize afterwards. He did it because it was all he knew for discipline. My Mom would make him do it, tho, because she didn't have the heart to spank me herself.

Even though I think it did make me behave (mostly out of fear, tho), I really think that its wrong to hit someone so much smaller than you, and never want to spank my kids. There's nothing a child could do to deserve to be hit. It hurts physically, but I remember it hurt even worse emotionally.

My DD is too young to be disciplined (2 months), and I hope that I don't ever have the urge to spank her when she's misbehaving. That's why I want to learn about GD so I have an alternative.
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#18 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 07:48 PM
 
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My parents spanked us very sparingly when we were growing up. I don't remember being spanked past the age of maybe 7 or 8. I do remember that my mom spanked harder than my dad!!!

I am completely against spanking. My mom and I still get into some heated discussions about this because she doesn't feel what they did was wrong. Neither of us are physically or emotionally harmed from it because it was so rare but that doesn't change my opinion that it is just plain WRONG.

I am of the mind that no should hit anyone for any reason. So nothing could possibly give me the right to hit my (or anyone else's) child. Ever. The only way to make them learn that physical violence is wrong, is by being an example of that. She just doesn't get it, which amazes me because she "gets it" about so many other issues. (BF, SAHM, etc.)

I don't think that being spanked is what keeps me from spanking, though. For me, it just more a philosophy I grew to believe in from working in child protection and with survivors of domestic violence.
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#19 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 08:07 PM
 
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Caitlin320 wrote

Quote:
It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!
I just want to congratulate you on your commitment to overcome spanking!

:

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
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#20 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 08:14 PM
 
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My parents did it out of love and because they thought it was the right (and biblical) way to discipline. They never did it in anger (at least that I could see) and I never responded in anger. It wasn't traumatic or anything for me. I guess you could say spanking "worked" for me, because I didn't act out from them.

I have to work hard not to spank my children. My instincts in the heat of the moment tell me to spank them. I suppose just because that's what kind of parenting was modeled for me as a child.
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#21 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 10:38 PM
 
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I was never spanked as a child - I can remember being threatened with it a few times and giggling because it was beyond my scope of knowledge at the time.

We do not spank or hit, no matter what.

So now I wonder why every time I feel I'm about to lose it with my daughter... I'm itching to hit or lash out. :

That would make a good thread - parents who were raised GD and are struggling with GD themselves.

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#22 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 10:46 PM
 
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I was spanked often and honestly I can not understand how my parents could have done that to me and my brother. I don't see how they could have beaten us with wooden spoons, shoes, belts etc. in the name of love. It was about trying to make us obey, it wasn't about love. The memories still haunt me, there was a whole system to the ordeal that is really disturbing and sickening. I do feel it was abusive and it has cause me to be adament about never doing the same to my children.

I also saw it became a real problem for them because as I got older when spankings would no longer work they had no control over me anymore.

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#23 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 10:47 PM
 
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My parents rarely spanked, though, when they did, it was usually because they were at their limit, and didn't know how else to handle it. They really didn't think of spanking as wrong because it was the most common form of discipline at the time, and resources on other forms of discipling were few & far between. My mom hated it, and cried with us when she did it, and the few times my dad did it, there was no heart to it- it was more a symbolic brush on the butt. Neither of them really felt right about it.
When I had kids, I swore I would never spank them, but when my oldest was 2, I started doing it when I had no idea what else to do. He is very spirited, though I knew nothing about tha term at the time, and I felt lost. The problem for me was that he was not acting better for it, and I felt myself beginning to lose control, adn do it every time I got angry.
That was when I read "The Discipline book" by Dr Sears and quit spanking him. Since then, I have read many other GD books, and have implemented many of the ideas recommended in them. He & I are both better for it. Not perfect, but better.

Homeschooling mom of 2 rambunctious, loving, spectacular boys, wife to an incredible man who has been my best friend on this journey <3

 

 

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#24 of 85 Old 08-28-2006, 11:02 PM
 
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I was spanked with a wooden paddle pretty regularly, and until I was pretty old. I don't recall the spankings being particularly painful but they were humiliating and shaming. I remember from my youngest days always swearing to myself that I would never, EVER hit my child. I *always* knew it was wrong to spank, and that there were better ways to bring up a child.
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#25 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 12:27 AM
 
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I feel like a bad mommy I was spanked...it was never in anger (my mom didn't want us to equate making mommy mad with *getting into trouble*) but it was humiliating and didn't *teach* me anything.

I planned to never spank my child I couldn't understand how it could ever be okay and I've discovered that its a lot of hard work reprogramming reflex reactions. I have managed for the most part to reason out the best *response* to teach ds#1 good behavior vs bad behavior (mainly redirection at this point and modeling)

Imagine my horror one day when he came up to me and wanted a cuddle and he suddenly SCREECHED IN MY EAR and what did i do but pull back and slap him in the mouth and say "do not ever do that again!"

Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.

Jami (25) Roland (27) & Caleb (5), Jacob (3.5) , Kaitlyn (2)
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#26 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 12:43 AM
 
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Yes, I can understand why my parents did it, because I can understand what it is to reach that level of frustration and anger. But they didn't claim to spank out of love or anything like that, and they didn't do it that often. It wasn't an ideological thing, and I don't think it was tied to any larger pattern of disrespect (although spanking is of course a highly disrespectful act). In a weird way, it was almost the opposite--my parents, especially my dad, treated me more like an adult from an early age, so they respected me more, but at the same time, they expected me to have the judgment of an adult, the logic of an adult, the self control of an adult, from when I was 4 or 5, and they were very visibly angry and disappointed when I didn't live up to this. So I tried to meet their expectations not so much to avoid punishment, but to live up to my "privileged" status.

It wasn't being spanked as a child that made me anti-spanking. It was the realization that children are the most defenseless, powerless, disenfranchised members of society. Children are essentially prisoners; subjugating them further is, I believe, an act of undeniable cruelty. Which is what I tell myself when I do reach that level of frustration and anger.

As to why adult spankees are more likely to become spankers, I'm sure there are many reasons for that, but I think one of them is that there is a perceived correlation (wrongful IMO) between parenting style and outcome. No one wants to believe that he or she came out "wrong," so people are likely to reject anything that might imply that, including criticism of their parents' child-rearing methods. If anti-spankers would stop promoting this idea that spanked children are "damaged," so people could freely criticize their upbringing without implicating themselves, I think there would be a lot less of that (spanked children growing up to become spankers).
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#27 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 01:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Caitlin320
Now that you are a parent, looking back at being spanked as a form of discipline as a child, do you understand where your parents were coming from (ie "doing it because they loved you") or does it make you even more against the act?

Well, I can understand where my mom and stepdad were coming from-- abusive childhoods of their own, depression and anxiety problems and poor parenting and life-coping skills. But that doesn't make me now think it was okay.

I've read that children who were spanked are overwhelmingly more likely to spank their own children. However, I'm not seeing it. To me, being spanked the way I was, made me even MORE adement about NOT spanking my children.

Yes, I started out saying I would never spank my son, and then I did anyway, because it was like this automatic response. I was perpetuating my mom's parenting style (not as bad though.) But I felt so badly about it, I made the effort to STOP a couple of months ago. I put a big red star on the calendar for the last day I would ever hot my son, and then went on bravely from there. Well, it turned out I did hit him two other times after that, but that was it. It is very hard for me to know what to do with him when he misbehaves, it is a real challenge for me to relearn the programming of my whole upbringing, but I am so happy that we are succeeding!

What's your take on the subject? Do you really think it's true that spankees and more likely to become spankers? Maybe it's just my strong desire for gentle discipline, but I just can't see ppl wanting to carry on that tradition.

I don't think it's a case of them wanting to, per se, but that, like me, they may just not know any other way, and when it's an automatic reaction, it seems natural and normal, which makes it seem okay. Also there is a sense of comfort, scurity, and continuity in carrying on the tradtions of your forbears . . . even when they are wrong wrong wrong. I think people who are in tune with their consciences can feel that it's not right, but those who have become more selfish and morally numbed don't know-- or don't want to know.


We were beat as kids ... and I have fantasies about how easy it would be to spank DS since he is so active, so demanding, and so into testing boundaries. But I am determined to break the cycle.
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#28 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 01:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by CalebsMama05
Right now I am relearning reflex reactions and on the rare occasion I do slap or hit or spank I always do the same thing. I hug him and tell him that hitting is NOT okay under any circumstances and mommy and he need to learn together to be nicer to everyone especially each other and I ask him to forgive me. i'm not sure he understands right now but it makes me feel better. I do feel better that I'm succeeding at my goal of not hitting. it really is only when I am startled as mentioned above. and right now along with learning to not hit i'm also trying to learn not to have any reflex action but that seems like a pointless endeaver as I always have something in reflex. I'm trying to say ow instead of *doing* anything.

it is hard.
It is so hard. I have these reflexes, too. Most of the time, I feel I have them firmly under control, but I've had a hard time while being pregnant.

As far as spanking, my mother spanked us, but it was not at all out of love. She never did it in public, at least that I can remember. I think she would have been embarrassed, because it was all about her losing her temper and lashing out.

It's interesting, because in many ways, my parents used GD. I can't remember my dad ever hitting me, though my sister said he spanked us very lightly once. They never really punished us, except for grounding me a couple of times in high school. But my mom had major anger issues and would frequently lash out and strike us. This rarely had anything to do with our behavior. Something that was completely acceptable one day would warrant a slap the next. She didn't "spank" very often, mostly just hitting or kicking what was available. True temper tantrums.

My sister and I talk about this a lot, she also GDs her kids. She was telling me a story about when she and my mom were driving and my mom was very stressed out and in a hurry and she hit a deer. Her reaction to hitting the deer was to slap my sister across the nose.

This is the HARDEST part of this legacy for me to get over. I really hate how I'm always looking for someone to blame or something to break, curse or strike. Today I was trying to make a paint sprayer work, I was hungry, I wanted to get my kids from the babysitter, and it took A TON of willpower to not throw it down on the patio and beat it with a rock until it was a million pieces.

I really hope I'm going to be able to do better by my children and not pass on this anger.

Mommy to kids

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#29 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 02:10 AM
 
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My father used physical punishment my whole life until I moved out of the house at 18. It made me feel angry, resentful and worthless and I would never want my children to feel that way.
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#30 of 85 Old 08-29-2006, 11:16 AM
 
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I was spanked as a child and the legacy it left me was the humiliation and the powerlessness and the anger that comes out of that. My parents didn't spank me often but there was a lot of violence in my family between my parents. In response, I was a very rebellious and angry teenager who had some major anger management issues. It's taken me YEARS to deal with more appropriate anger responses. I think my husband has helped a lot with that. As an adult, I realize that my parents did their best and we are very close. My mother was the victim of horrible abuse and didn't pass on that legacy but it affected her ability to have a normal relationship with my father (they're divorced-- thank god). My dad had his own issues growing up with a somewhat abusive father and a mentally ill mother.

I resolved a lot of these issues within me before starting my family. I have SWORN that I will not raise a child that will ever feel the need to have that kind of anger. I'm glad I waited until I was "older" to start my family so I had the maturity to understand that. Hitting is wrong. Hitting as discipline is not only wrong- it's doesn't make sense.

I still resist the urges to sometimes whack my hubby in the arm when I'm super mad at him but I've never had that kind of anger against my child. I understand the developmental process and what is normal behavior for a child so how could I be angry!
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