when other kids hit your dc... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 07:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We don't allow hitting at our house and we don't spank so our dd is always really surprised when she gets hit by someone. I get frustrated when someone else's kid hits her and the parents don't do anything about it. If Elizabeth hits someone, she has to apologize and spend some time away from the playing. Of course I try to figure out why she hit the other kid and we talk about it and all that, but my question is how to react when she is hit by another kid and nothing is done about it.

I don't know if I'm just being an overreacting first time mom or what. I know that a lot of kids go through a "phase" where they dont know how to express themselves and through their frustration, they smack the person who seems to be in the way of what they want or whatever. But I feel like I'm doing my child a disservice by "allowing" her to get smacked on.

Any thoughts?
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#2 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 07:53 PM
 
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Does it bother your dd when she gets hit? If not, I'd let it be.

If it does bother her, I'd tell her that she can say, "Don't hit me."

If my ds hits someone, I tell him something like, "Oh, if you want her to move, you don't need to hit/push her, you can just say "excuse me.""
I tell him an age appropriate and acceptable way to express what he wants. No punishment, no mandatory apologies. I wouldn't hesitate to say something similar to a child who hit my ds, provided the child's parent did not speak up.
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#3 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 07:53 PM
 
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the other parents probably don't know what to do or say and feel akward, so they don't do anything.

I have been on both ends and it is hard to talk to parents about, but we do.

first- "are you o.k.?" or "see if they are ok" ask parent and child
second- to the hitter "they are hurt, hitting hurts"
third- "see what you can do to help them"
fourth-remind child what they can do if they are little and if they are 3or older, we talk about what else they could do

if we get hit...and the parent does nothing I do similar steps

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#4 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 08:23 PM
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If another child hit our dd and no one *did* anything, I would first see if dd was okay. (I always tend to the *victim* first, regardless of who's child did what) Then, I would deal with the other child myself in the same manner I deal with our daughter. I would try to see the underlying *need* for the hitting "I know you really wanted to play with that toy, it is frustrating to wait sometimes." Then I would gently explain alternatives and our daughter's boundaries ...."but Bailey doesn't like to be hit, she likes to be touched gently --- next time you feel frustrated/sad/angry/impatient (whatever it may be) would you please come get an adult to help?"

i would really try to communicate (through my actions) that my goal is to work with them and find an agreeable solution -- I would not try to intimidate or shame or anything like that.

Worst case scenario, I would direct dd to another area gently.
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#5 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 08:58 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
If another child hit our dd and no one *did* anything, I would first see if dd was okay. (I always tend to the *victim* first, regardless of who's child did what) Then, I would deal with the other child myself in the same manner I deal with our daughter. I would try to see the underlying *need* for the hitting "I know you really wanted to play with that toy, it is frustrating to wait sometimes." Then I would gently explain alternatives and our daughter's boundaries ...."but Bailey doesn't like to be hit, she likes to be touched gently --- next time you feel frustrated/sad/angry/impatient (whatever it may be) would you please come get an adult to help?"

i would really try to communicate (through my actions) that my goal is to work with them and find an agreeable solution -- I would not try to intimidate or shame or anything like that.

Worst case scenario, I would direct dd to another area gently.
Shocking I know but I agree with Captain Crunchy : I had to do this with my niece over the summer, sadly she was used to being spanked for hitting

Deanna

Wife to DH since August 01 mom to a bubbly girl October 2002 and our newest gal March 2010
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#6 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 09:23 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by octobermom
Shocking I know but I agree with Captain Crunchy : I had to do this with my niece over the summer, sadly she was used to being spanked for hitting

Deanna
That's so sad!
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#7 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 09:48 PM
 
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Well, I am probably one of those parents you hate.

I don't "do" anything when DS hits, other than get on his level and remind him not to hit, and try to help him find another way to solve the problem.

Unfortunately, all little children are not particularly schooled in social graces... that's kind of the nature of being a kid. So it's not uncommon for another kid, especially a toddler, to do something like take DS' toys, hit him, start playing with his toys without asking, etc. All totally expected, but I understand how it would set off someone who does not yet have the self control that adults do.

So while I do talk to DS about the situations and try to guide him through it, being a non-punitive parent I don't "do" anything to him, including isolating him from other people, and I don't force him to apologize because I am strongly against that. Although, I usually apologize to the other child and/or parent myself.

To normal parents, I'm sure they feel I'm not doing anything or just being permissive or whatever, which is how normal parents probably feel about most of how I handle things.
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#8 of 10 Old 08-30-2006, 10:36 PM
 
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Actually, KristiMetz, I would love to see this reaction. Most of the parents I see either spank or yell at the kids, or do not respond at all- no talking, no instruction, nothing. Ds was hit one time at a gym program, and the other child's dad quite literally watched it without saying a word to his child, or to mine. I didn't know how to react, and ds was kind of shell-shocked. He had never been around kids before, and had never been hit before. He teared up a little, and I comforted him, then let him go back and play. Of course, he went right back to where the other child was, and got hit again. : I went up to ds, pulled him out, and told the other child- as mildly as I could, do not hit him- hitting hurts. Then I told ds that if it happened again, he should tell the kid not to hit him and leave.
As angry as I was, it was not at the child, it was at the parent. I did not really want to see this child spanked- something that I had seen before for the horrible crime of not participating in the class. But if the dad had done what you described- talked to his son, figured out what was going on, and helped him find another way, I would have felt a lot better, and I think that both of the children would have been better off for it.

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#9 of 10 Old 08-31-2006, 01:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blsilva
Actually, KristiMetz, I would love to see this reaction. Most of the parents I see either spank or yell at the kids, or do not respond at all- no talking, no instruction, nothing. Ds was hit one time at a gym program, and the other child's dad quite literally watched it without saying a word to his child, or to mine. I didn't know how to react, and ds was kind of shell-shocked. He had never been around kids before, and had never been hit before. He teared up a little, and I comforted him, then let him go back and play. Of course, he went right back to where the other child was, and got hit again. : I went up to ds, pulled him out, and told the other child- as mildly as I could, do not hit him- hitting hurts. Then I told ds that if it happened again, he should tell the kid not to hit him and leave.
As angry as I was, it was not at the child, it was at the parent. I did not really want to see this child spanked- something that I had seen before for the horrible crime of not participating in the class. But if the dad had done what you described- talked to his son, figured out what was going on, and helped him find another way, I would have felt a lot better, and I think that both of the children would have been better off for it.
This is definitely what I would prefer and quite similar to the situations that I faced today. I certainly don't want to see any child spanked for hitting espeically because these particular parents do use spanking quite liberally and that may be where the kids get it. Also, my DD will tell them not to hit her and in fact looks quite shocked when they do.
I guess my frustration lies in the fact that the parents don't even react or if they do they seem to find it funny. These are families that we hang out with on a regular basis. One of the parents even told her son that he could hit my DD back (he's 5 and she's 2) if dd hit him first. I would MUCH rather see a parent using the opportunity to help the child use words or other means to express frustrations rather than encouraging/ allowing physical reactions that could hurt someone. Of course, when you have parents who routinely use physical punishment for just about everything, it stands to reason that the kids would pick up on that.
If I'm alone with the kids, I would say something ot the child, but with the parent there I feel like it's their responsibility.
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#10 of 10 Old 08-31-2006, 01:31 AM
 
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it is hard for sure.

my kids haven't went through a hitting phase (luckily)...

my best friend's child was really a hitter ... we had to watch the two boys SOOOOO carefully when we'd get together. it was awful for a while.

eventually he overcame it. and my child was OK, but it almost ended our friendship.

i am not sure how you can totally avoid it...other than to not ever be in any playgroups. my advice is just watch VERY closely. and try to explain and work it out with the children and parents.
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