These sound like great book recs, I will be taking them out of the library too, but I thought I would share what has helped tremendously with my 6.5 year old neice who I have been looking after (with my two and her sister) since april - she starts grade 1 on Tuesday, HOLY!
anyhow, she is a lovely child but her rage when she got here astonished me (loving but exhausted mother who had run a daycare in her home, recent divorce) and it was coupled with a weepy, whiney, defeatest attitude to just about everything. I felt completely overwhelmed with the bulk of it so I focused on what I felt *I* could help her with, and it's really transformed her attitude to everything.
specifically her and her sister seemed very physically weak and uncoordinated - often not able to do things my 2 year old could do - and had no sense that they could overcome a fear or learn new skills on their own. Tears and asking for help at the slightest inconvenience were the norm, and I couldn't believe how many times these little folk said "I can't". So I really set myself to breaking it down for them so they could figure out how to say "i can!" instead. Our back yard has a great climbing tree with swings and ladders and a playhouse whose roof can be (safely) reached via the branches so we had easy motivation for them, but the nearby park was great too.
my mantra this time round was that if you couldn't get there/do it yourself then you weren't allowed, but I will always spot you if you'd like to try. The static frustration she had to overcome was HUGE and full of angry tears and "I can't"s, and I always had to really talk her through the next baby steps, but oh mama! once she tried it the sunshine would break through!!
so then I would go into how strong she was, and how all it takes is practice, and how proud I was of her for trying. As her ability grew her whole attitude changed, like she had a new vocabulary for living. She is SO much more optimistic and feels like she can do anything if she practices, and I think her energy just flows better through her strong and able body. There are moments, but not the overwhelming barrage it was - and can that girl ever climb trees and do the monkey bars!
I also now feel like I have a tool and a positive role in our relationship, as well as practice in setting clear boundaries, so now when we talk about anger and emotions we have a framework of success to solve them in. Not that your boy needs to learn the monkey bars... but if you can find something physically challenging and easy to fit into your life it might really help. It has also really helped my sister-in-law to have some time away from children where *she* is successful, so be gentle with yourself too. He doesn't sound abnormal, just stuck in his anger.
as for me, I have been listening to some of marshal rosenberg's "Non-Violent Communication" cd's from the library, as well as the That nich than (shoot! what is the monk's name?!) book "Anger", and the "Hold onto your kids" book and another book called "more than manners!" by letitia baldridge and they all really help and inspire me b/c heck
I can have a temper too...
love to you.