How do you handle parents disciplining in your home? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i have a next door nieghbor whom I babysit for 5 days a week. She and I have VASTLY different views on parenting. I have tried to educate her on things like CIO and spanking but it is pretty much useless. She knows where I stand though and I have made it an official rule that there is to be NO spanking or anything like that in my home, that if she feels the need to spank him she will have to go home to do it. Well, yesterday I had to make a NEW rule. My home is very non violent plain and simple and yesterday she stormed in all pist off and informed her 3 year old son if he "ever made a mess like that again" she would BREAK HIS FINGERS. I jumped right on her for that, stopped her cold turkey and yelled "Hey! DON"T say stuff like that! He is only 3 and he will believe you! Are you HONESTLY gonna BREAK his fingers? Come on now!" She replied "well, he got chips and dip all over hsi siters crib" As if that was gonna make me agree with her. I said " I don't give a crap. That was your own fault for not watching him." (she is notorious for that) "You dont threaten to do that to a child, Don't ever talk liek that to him in my home again. I don't want my kids hearing it either."
She was pretty put off by it. She did not argue back or anything. She is a young mom who really shouldnt BE a mom. No offense to young moms, I was one myself! But she HAS the resources available to her through me, i have offered her so many suggestions and she ignores them and resorts to physical punishments. Yesterday she was ignoring him and he ran out of teh house to go play at teh park here on the grounds of our apartment complex and he was out there for like 10 minutes before a neghbor finally told her. She stormed out there and grabbed him roughly and spanked him. It upset me so much i could not watch. Why should HE be punished for being bored and ignored all day?
Anyway, was I too harsh you think or do I have a right to say what goes on in my house even if its on another parent?
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#2 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:54 PM
 
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Our family has always had the "my house, my rules" philosophy. What is acceptable in your house, or not, is the rule.

Careful though 'cus this can backfire when you are at *their* house. : Especially if they are faster than you at disiplining......And you have not gotten them to accept your style of parenting....yet.

Julia
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#3 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 02:56 PM
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I absolutely think you should have a definate say on what types of behaviors towards children (and other people in general) will or won't be tolerated in your home. I think it is so sad how that mama speaks to and treats her child and equally as troubling, is that she seems really closed to any suggestions or guidance.

I think your execution could have been more gentle when you confronted her, but I do understand that you were shocked and upset and sometimes we react strongly when we are feeling that way. Her actions were certainly shocking to me and her threats are abusive imo. Certainly it is neglectful of her to not know where her child is (the park thing) and very disturbing that she hits her child for her own neglect!!

I wish there were some answers for you, but unfortunately, unless you want to report her to CPS for neglect and abuse, she will do what she pleases to her child (sadly ). Maybe you could continue trying to relate to her when you both are calm and she doesn't feel defensive (though she will probably get defensive).

In your home though, you have every right to enforce your beliefs for common respect and decency towards everyone. We do. We do not allow spanking, shaming, time-outing, belittling, embarrasing or any of the like in our home --- people are usually reminded of that before they visit (they most likely know us and where we stand anyway so there isn't much to remind) and will be nicely asked to refrain from such practices in our home or will be nicely escorted towards the door

Seriously though, if you can't help her children you can show your own children (and her children too) that you reject violent actions toward children and will not allow it in your home.

Good luck
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#4 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There actually already IS acase open with her through CPS as a nieghbor reported her for leaving her son unattended. (he is constantly alone outside, yesterday morning at 6 am he was outside in only a diaper and I had to hollor from my patio at him to get back inside.
I know I came across as a bit harsh with my response to her but lately she has been not trying at all with him. She tells me she does not know what to do but when I try to give her suggestions she refuses to try anything,. She has a 12 month odl too and basically they are on thier own. Oh, she feeds them and bathes them and dresses them but that is about it. Most mornings I go over there to get them and they are both roaming around in teh house and she is asleep with her door closed! She gets up to take the baby out of her crib and goes back to bed. as much as I hate cribs I would rather the child be safe there then crawling around where she coudl get hurt or pick something up and choke on it!
I guess I am just frusturated by it all. But trying to be an example to her. And I agree, if anything else I hope by my example in my own home that her son sees that violence is not the answer.
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#5 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:27 PM
 
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you are my new hero!

i want to be like you, but i am sooooooo afraid of confrontation.

i never really say anything.

usually i end up breaking off contact with people, who don't change.

i make my views known. and try to set examples. but i am no good with giving out "rules" to adults. i think you SHOULD...i think i SHOULD, but i'm such a wimp with that.

good for you.

bad on her.
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#6 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 03:32 PM
 
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You absolutely have the right to not allow violence or threats of violence in your home. Be diplomatic if and when you can, because that will give her space in which to change without losing face or becoming defensive. She was offended, so you might try to address the situation again in a kinder way when you're both feeling calm. Of course, it is extremely hard to alter other parents' behavior toward their children. Nobody likes to be criticized, especially wrt parenting. I wonder also if the mom might be under a lot of stress. You mentioned that she is young, but is she low income/single/mentally ill/overwhelmed? Her well-being isn't your responsibility, but it's hard to be a good parent when you're struggling, so if that is an issue maybe you can point her toward other resources for help. In any case, don't ever hesitate to object strenuously when people violate your standards in your home!
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#7 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 06:53 PM
 
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I don't allow physical punishment in my home. All my friends know that and still come over, though a few of them spank at home.

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#8 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 09:16 PM
 
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i really admire you for saying something - i aspire to be so assertive
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#9 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 09:51 PM
 
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Wow..........just, wow. First of all, I suspect there is nothing you can do about her neglect? CPS sucks anyway so I guess if the kids are fed and alive thats all they care about. I get SOOOO mad when I hear moms turn their kids loose so they can sleep in. Good lord, who knows what they can get into or get hurt by!

Secondly, like everyone else said.........your house, your rules. I can't see her telling you when you are in her house that you have to go by her rules (because what, would she make you spank your kid?? Um, no) but you bet your booty you can stop anything that you consider violent or abusive in your own home.

I dont think I'd be able to be friends with this woman....I'd have the constant urge to hit HER! Those poor neglected babies.....
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#10 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 10:26 PM
 
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she threatened to break his fingers. no you didn't overreact.
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#11 of 23 Old 09-01-2006, 11:07 PM
 
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I think it's great you reacted the way you did actually. i have a really hard time with the "my house, my rules" thing (hence the reason my friend's kid (friend and kid live with me temporararily) plays video games for hours on end).

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#12 of 23 Old 09-02-2006, 03:16 PM
 
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OMG that's just horrible parenting. Holy Cow.

You did a good thing. By the disapproving tone you used, you may have really stuck it into her head that that kind of talk is ridiculous and awful. I hope she went home and had a good hard think because of what you said!

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#13 of 23 Old 09-02-2006, 04:48 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonia80
informed her 3 year old son if he "ever made a mess like that again" she would BREAK HIS FINGERS.


I just can't believe that people talk to their kids like that!!!!!

I just honestly can't believe it!

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#14 of 23 Old 09-03-2006, 07:11 AM
 
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That boy knows someone cared enough to stand up for him. When he has his own kids you may have just planted a seed that there is a better way. i am forever grateful to my friends parents for showing me that. i don't blame you for shouting - I know i would have lost my temper in the shock of hearing that. Keep offering support, you can't force her to change or to accept help, but if those kids *know* someone cares about them it might make all the difference.
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#15 of 23 Old 09-03-2006, 09:06 PM
 
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I think you handled that exactly right. And I admire you for continuing to babysit, so these kids see something different and know someone cares. Kudos all around.

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#16 of 23 Old 09-03-2006, 09:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonia80
i have a next door nieghbor whom I babysit for 5 days a week. She and I have VASTLY different views on parenting. I have tried to educate her on things like CIO and spanking but it is pretty much useless. She knows where I stand though and I have made it an official rule that there is to be NO spanking or anything like that in my home, that if she feels the need to spank him she will have to go home to do it. Well, yesterday I had to make a NEW rule. My home is very non violent plain and simple and yesterday she stormed in all pist off and informed her 3 year old son if he "ever made a mess like that again" she would BREAK HIS FINGERS. I jumped right on her for that, stopped her cold turkey and yelled "Hey! DON"T say stuff like that! He is only 3 and he will believe you! Are you HONESTLY gonna BREAK his fingers? Come on now!" She replied "well, he got chips and dip all over hsi siters crib" As if that was gonna make me agree with her. I said " I don't give a crap. That was your own fault for not watching him." (she is notorious for that) "You dont threaten to do that to a child, Don't ever talk liek that to him in my home again. I don't want my kids hearing it either."
She was pretty put off by it. She did not argue back or anything. She is a young mom who really shouldnt BE a mom. No offense to young moms, I was one myself! But she HAS the resources available to her through me, i have offered her so many suggestions and she ignores them and resorts to physical punishments. Yesterday she was ignoring him and he ran out of teh house to go play at teh park here on the grounds of our apartment complex and he was out there for like 10 minutes before a neghbor finally told her. She stormed out there and grabbed him roughly and spanked him. It upset me so much i could not watch. Why should HE be punished for being bored and ignored all day?
Anyway, was I too harsh you think or do I have a right to say what goes on in my house even if its on another parent?
Personally, I think it would be nice to whack people like that upside the head. I'm sure I'm in the minority though... :

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#17 of 23 Old 09-03-2006, 09:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melinak


I just can't believe that people talk to their kids like that!!!!!

I just honestly can't believe it!
And it was nothing more than a smear of chips and dip! I mean, c'mon! : : Not that any reason is good enough to hurt or threaten a child, but chips and dip??? Sheesh!

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#18 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 12:09 AM
 
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I'm a young mom, and I cherish EVERY, SINGLE moment I have with my son. Being young is NOT an excuse for mistreating another human being. I'm so proud of you for standing up for her son, and for trying your best to show her a better way to care for her children.

Sadly, it sounds like there might be substance abuse involved-what kind of parent takes a 12mo out of her crib and then leaves her unattended?


Good Luck mama, and keep up your good work!

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#19 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 12:24 AM
 
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thats just so sad.

maybe one day you can sit her down with a cup of tea or somethign and ask her how she woudl have felt if her mom/dad had threatened to break her fingers? maybe she is a victim of childabuse (i have no idea) and cant SEE any better, although it sure seems like you are trying to help her out alot.

i hate to think of children without their moms but jeez...sometimes you gotta think there is something better out there for them.

good for you for being a role model.
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#20 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 12:54 AM
 
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Honestly she sounds depressed to me. That's my guess as to why she doesn't respond to your efforts to connect with her (though I agree with PP that nobody responds well to the particular kind of delivery you gave her with this last incident, but I might have done the same thing in such a shocking situation. It's hard). I don't know that you can help her address her problems with parenting until you can help her heal herself.
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#21 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 03:03 AM
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She does sound depressed. And possibly on drugs or just a heavy partier. I can't understand her sleeping while her baby roams the house. And outside at 6 am with no diaper? Seriously, call CPS. Even though there is already a case open on her, if they get another call, maybe CPS will take this case seriously. I do feel bad for the girl, hopefully she can learn a thing or two from you. But it's not fair to her innocent child, to sit back and not do something about it.

That being said, I'm SO HAPPY to hear that you stood up for what you believe in!!! YAY! I don't know if I would have the guts to say something. One of my closest friends spanks, timeouts, threatens, ignores, etc. and I just can't say very much. I have tried, but I clam up sometimes. So instead, I distance myself from her. Props to moms like you!! And IMO, you did absolutely nothing wrong by telling her not to do that in your home.
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#22 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 10:42 AM
 
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If an adult had threatened to break another adults fingers in my home or hit another adult or said something realy hateful I would call them of it and tell them not to do that especially not in my home. Why should it be any diferant with a child.

Let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.)0(
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#23 of 23 Old 09-04-2006, 11:34 PM
 
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My neighbor treats her children the same way. They are 2 & 3 yr. old girls & she calls them names..bad, brat, stupid, pain in the a**, everything you could think of that is damaging & hateful. We are both the same age..21
She hardly ever sees her kids.. (they are with her parents most days while she & her husband are at work). Her parents are the same way which is the reason she is that way. She hits them out of anger. Slings them around with one arm like a ragdoll. Neglects them. She doesnt just let them CIO.. she "gives" them something to Cry about, then "makes" them CIO. When they act even remotely like their age (playful curious little kids) she yells & hits them because they "annoy" her.
I have a 9 mo. old adorable ds. She doesnt agree with my parenting. I never say anything about her methods. I just make an excuse to walk inside to get away from all that drama around my ds. Or I smile at her girls & try to be nice to them to make up for how she hurt them.
But, She is always making remarks about how I parent. She tried to tell me that Formula was better than breastfeeding (i guess to justify her ignorance for feeding her kids Formula). She always says that I am going to spoil my ds because (in my words) -I am a loving mother to my ds and dont neglect him the way she does her kids. She honestly believes that in order to teach babies and kids you have to be mean. She thinks its normal. She knows no other way. She even beats her dogs. Her and her husband both say "They have to learn!" It is so sad that these kind of people have kids. Why have kids if they are so annoying and stupid. Oh and they are adopting a boy in the future and they want another dog too! ... to beat on and electricute (they bought a dog collar that ..at the touch of a button .. painfully shocks the dog and her husb. does it for fun sometimes)
By the way... I have noticed that the children that are Gently Disciplined are the children that are well behaved and loving. While the ones that have been scolded over & over for every little thing are the ones that don't listen or understand there parents. Her girls are emotional recks. Unhappy & confused.:
And everyone always compliments how happy my ds is.
I wish she would get it.
Discipline means to education, to teach, to train in self-control. Not to punish in hate and unself-control.
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