So does "GD" just mean you don't spank? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 09-07-2006, 08:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 932
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I assume not...I'm looking for someone to clarify what GD is. No lectures? Never saying no? I read posts on here off and on and I'm trying to figure it out. My little ones are still pretty little, so no discipline for us yet..
BetsyNY is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-07-2006, 08:39 PM
 
BetsyPage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: In a thicket
Posts: 1,360
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There are lots of different views about exactly what *GD* is... so you will probably gets lots of answers. I personally believe I have to guide my children, teach them, correct them, be with them, etc. but not punish them. It's more about what I'm *doing* than what I'm *not doing* (i.e., not spanking, no punitive time-outs, etc.)

Here's a page that I like that talks about it and has some great links.
http://www.thewigleys.net/gentle_discipline.html

An extrovert, married to my introverted dh since '01, mothering my girls C (2003) and G (2006).

 

Love homeschooling, reading, cooking (most of the time grain-free except for when I'm not ), lactivist, former and wanna-be cloth diaperer and baby-wearer...

BetsyPage is offline  
Old 09-07-2006, 08:46 PM
 
peacelovingmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 2,781
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think there is a broad spectrum of GD techniques and people come at it from different angles. At its core, though, it is teaching gently and respectfully, with kindness and a belief in the humanity of children. So hitting, belittling, shaming, inflicting pain are not compatible with GD.

For me, personally, it is all about treating my children with the same level of respect I hope they bestow upon the world. It is about teaching rather than controlling or punishing and guiding rather than forcing or inflicting pain (physical or emotional).

I think it's a journey for all of us. Until fairly recently, I used time-outs. Now, I have chosen to stick with time-ins. They do seem more respectful of my 4-year-old (DD hasn't had any yet) and they yield better results.

I firmly belive that children do to society what is done to them. So since peaceful conflict resolution, respect, kindness, non-violence, compassion and forgiveness are values we hope to see more of in this society, we practice and model them at home with our children.
peacelovingmama is offline  
Old 09-07-2006, 08:54 PM
 
heartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with Irishmommy
Posts: 5,986
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi and welcome to the forum!

The moderators are working on a new forum guideline for Gentle Discipline. In the meantime the following definition from Peggy O' Mara's book Natural Family Living
will give you an idea of the diversity of choices within GD:

She expands on each idea in her book but these are the toolbox basics:

USE POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT

CREATE A POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT

SAY YES AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

SAY NO FOR THE IMPORTANT THINGS

USE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES

USE LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

USE RESTITUTION

LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR CHILD

COMPROMISE

STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND GET OUT OF THE WAY

GIVE SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS

GIVE A REASON

OFFER HELP

GIVE A CHOICE

REDIRECT

REMOVE

MAKE POSITIVE STATEMENTS

GIVE IN OCCASIONALLY

GIVE YOUR CHILD TIME TO AGREE

SIMPLY INSIST

MAKE RULES

IGNORE SOME BEHAVIOR

AVOID NAGGING THREATS

DISTRACT

USE HUMOR

MAKE IT A GAME

BE WILLING TO ADMIT YOUR MISTAKES

STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU ACT

DON'T MAKE A BIG FUSS OVER LITTLE THINGS

STICK TO ROUTINES

DON'T HURRY YOUR CHILDREN TOO MUCH.

GET TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM.

CORRECT ONE BEHAVIOR AT A TIME.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME

USE THE GOLDEN RULE

MODEL APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

THINK OF YOUR CHILD AS AN EQUAL

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR CHILD IN MIND

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
heartmama is offline  
Old 09-07-2006, 08:57 PM
 
heartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with Irishmommy
Posts: 5,986
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
More from Peggy O

Quote:
Forgoing punishment does not mean loss of authority. On the contrary, when you rely on your authority as a parent and your relationship with your child as the basis of problem solving, you actually gain power. When you rely on punishment, you lose power, as punishment must be constantly escalated to work. Effective discipline means teaching your child self discipline.

But conflicts are a normal part of life. All children have conflicts. They fight with their siblings. They grab things. They do things you don't like. How can you discipline if you don't have punishments to rely on?

Here's how: You communicate with your child--you examine the problem and work toward a solution together.

You rely on your authority as a parent.

You use positive reinforcement, natural consequences, or any of the other alternatives to punishment described below. (refers to the list in my last post)

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
heartmama is offline  
Old 09-07-2006, 09:36 PM
 
The4OfUs's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 4,897
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyNY
No lectures?
Well, depends on what you mean by lecture. I explain a lot of things to my son, because I want him to understand how his actions impact the world around him; I want him to know the "whys", not to just do whatever I say because I said it. I don't want him to blindly follow other adults, so I don't expect him to blindly follow me. I don't, however, embarass, shame, or berate him or try to make him feel badly if he's done something I didn't want him to, or doesn't want to do something I want him to - so if that's what you mean by lecture, then no, I don't lecture. WHen I think lecture, I think guilt. I don't want guilt, I want understanding.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyNY
Never saying no?
For me, absolutely not. I set limits for my son, for sure. However, far more effective than just saying "No", is telling them what they can do INSTEAD. So, insted of "No, you can't jump off the back of the couch", as he's climbing it, and then leaving him to his own devices to figure out something else, I say, "How about you jump off the step instead? The couch is pretty high." Viola. His need to jump off something is met, but he doesn't jump from a dangerous height, so I don't freak out worrying he's gonna break his neck. Limit set, and followed through. It's a "no", but it also gives him an alternative instead of just shutting him down.

As others have said, there is a pretty broad spectrum of what GD is here, from living consensually where everyone's needs are equal and a mutual solution is always negotiated, to a more authoritative, but still gentle, relationship where the parent is still the final word, but they do not punish or threaten their children into obeying them. I think a great "bridge" book from punitive parenting into GD is Anthony Wolf's "The Secret of Parenting", which is mentioned in the book sticy thread, and has quite a few of us who happen to like him. There are more "radical" books that require a HUGE change in mind set, but if you're looking for a way to ease into GD, this book is a great start.

Hope this helps.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
The4OfUs is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off