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Toddler harnesses ('leashes')

8K views 189 replies 102 participants last post by  JeDeeLenae 
#1 ·
Just out of curiosity what do the rest of you AP moms think about the use of harness on a toddler? Is it appropriate? Is it inappropriate? Is it only appropriate in certain situations? Etc.
 
#102 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cmlp
Um, I happen to have a two-year old. I have a particularly difficult situation as I also do not believe in "stroller prison", so she generally just walks and only sits in the stroller or goes in the carrier is SHE feels like it. Who is anyone to say who has walked in whose shoes?
A toddler is different from multiples. Or special needs kids. I have 4 kids under 6. Some days it's like wrangling cats.
 
#103 ·
Then you need a quadruple stroller or two extra arms so you can avoid treating your four human babies like dogs by allowing them safety and independance with a harness! I want four kids eventually so when you locate the quadruple stroller or find a diet that allows a mom to grow extra arms please let me know! :p

A toddler is different from multiples, but depending on the situation, raising one and keeping one safe is still very difficult. Any helping hands are...well...helpful!
 
#104 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cmlp
Um, I happen to have a two-year old. I have a particularly difficult situation as I also do not believe in "stroller prison", so she generally just walks and only sits in the stroller or goes in the carrier is SHE feels like it. Who is anyone to say who has walked in whose shoes?
A year ago, I was in the same situation, except that I also had a newborn and a surgical incision. DD was always happy to go for a walk in her harness, but was not happy to hold hands or be put in a stroller.

Are you saying that finding a way to honour my dd's need to roam and explore her environment, while also keeping her safe, is harmful? My options were to either keep her home all day, every day for about six weeks, or to put the harness on her and take her to the farm to pet bunnies and feed ducks. I'll admit that I could have kept her home, and it certainly would have been much easier for me, but I didn't think that was really very fair to her...
 
#106 ·
wow. I just came on here to read the opinions and I must say I'm shocked at how a "civil" discussion suddently got fowl when someone came on and didn't agree with the way you do things.

This was not a "pro-harnass post" from what I can see from the OP. It was a genuine "how do you feel about this" and because of that, EVERYONE should be entitled to state their opinions.

To some women (who HAVE very active children, I may add) they truly do feel that this is abusive or boarders on abusive or disrespectful. I understand how that may hurt those of us that DO use a harnass, because we don't want to be seen as abusive or disrespectful and DEFINATELY feel that we are NOT being hurtful and disrespectful to our children, and thus we have a knee jerk emotional response to the posters who disagree with us and begin to attack them. I get that. But truly, their feelings are JUST as vaild and they SHOULD have a place to present them on this thread.

There is also a way to refute their arguments gently, while still being respectful of them and their point of view.

Obviously putting your child on a "leash" or whatever you call it opens a potential for disrespect (other things do as well, of course) of the child. I think it is this potential that bothers/concerns some people and that is why they, personally, choose not to use them. That should absolutely be respected, ESPICALLY in this forum, since we all SHOULD be coming from a place of respect for children. Using a harnass should not let any of us forget that...that we are all trying to figure out what is best and most respectful for/to children.

Bottom line is that each parent has to make a decision for their children that suits their families best. For some families, this "leash" would be TOTALLY inappropriate. Even a wonderful AP could potentially begin to see their child as a "dog" because they are on the leash, or absent-mindedly pull on the leash as a way to train their children to walk nearby, which may or may not be acceptable to some of you on this thread.

I think the OP opened up a good topic for conversation and for parents who are unsure about the issue, it really helps to be able to safely discuss the pros and cons and concerns about these issues with other parents, which I think is what this thread was supposed to be about. I feel like now it's a bully pulpit of sorts for "pro-leashing" kids and suddenly people who have concerns about this and want to make their voice known (notice, orginally this person wasn't attacking anyone in particular, just stating her opinion) are being slammed around and the healthy debate and respect that one mother should have for another has ended.

It's upsetting and should be food for thought for all of us.
 
#107 ·
Please keep the UA (particularly the quoted section below) in mind when posting.
Lets keep this civil and on the boards.


Quote:
Posting in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, namecalling, personal attack, or in any way which violates the law.
http://www.mothering.com/mdc/mdc_useragreement.html
 
#108 ·
Quote:
There is also a way to refute their arguments gently, while still being respectful of them and their point of view.
My problem was not with her point of view. It was with the tone. I know that there are bad ways to use the device, but that goes for a lot of other safety options. A toddler screaming and trying to get out of a stroller, or a sling, or trying to pull his hand away while you hold tight. I don't think anyone here has said they use one in a negative way or that it's even an everyday thing. But some people feel that there are times when it's needed for the safety of their child. I'm not pro "leash" just pro safety.
 
#109 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by jul511riv
I understand how that may hurt those of us that DO use a harnass, because we don't want to be seen as abusive or disrespectful and DEFINATELY feel that we are NOT being hurtful and disrespectful to our children, and thus we have a knee jerk emotional response to the posters who disagree with us and begin to attack them. I get that. But truly, their feelings are JUST as vaild and they SHOULD have a place to present them on this thread.
I'm sorry, but this:

Quote:
They are also only good for keeping children from running away. They don't do anything that holding a child's hand or carrying them doesn't do. A child can still get into a lot of trouble with them in a store because they leave several feet of slack and if there is something very tantalizing to the child (like clothes on a hanger that need to be pulled off, a jar that looks cool, etc...) they will still have ample opportunity to do a lot of damage. The only thing they are good for is not letting the child run off but they couldn't do that in your arms or holding your hand and you are more aware of them when they are tugging your hand to get something then when they can reach something without tugging the leash.
assumes that any mom using a harness isn't paying attention to their child. Saying that kids have "ample opportunity to do a lot of damage" and "you are more aware of them when they're tugging your hand" are not about liking or disliking a harness. They're about making assumptions about how the harness is being used, and what the mother is or isn't doing while the child is in a harness. Making the assumption that I don't pay attention to my child just because I found a harness to be the best tool at one point is insulting and offensive.

When I had dd in the harness, I paid very close attention to her. I had to make sure I stayed close, because otherwise she could fall from tugging against the harness...and I had to stay close, because I couldn't run after her without injuring myself.

People are entitled to dislike harnesses. That doesn't mean they're entitled to make assumptions about why people are using them.

I also won't call them leashes. I associate leashes with pets, and dd isn't a pet. If others can use that term without that association, more power to them.
 
#110 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Storm Bride
I'm sorry, but this:

assumes that any mom using a harness isn't paying attention to their child. Saying that kids have "ample opportunity to do a lot of damage" and "you are more aware of them when they're tugging your hand" are not about liking or disliking a harness. They're about making assumptions about how the harness is being used, and what the mother is or isn't doing while the child is in a harness. Making the assumption that I don't pay attention to my child just because I found a harness to be the best tool at one point is insulting and offensive.

When I had dd in the harness, I paid very close attention to her. I had to make sure I stayed close, because otherwise she could fall from tugging against the harness...and I had to stay close, because I couldn't run after her without injuring myself.

People are entitled to dislike harnesses. That doesn't mean they're entitled to make assumptions about why people are using them.

I also won't call them leashes. I associate leashes with pets, and dd isn't a pet. If others can use that term without that association, more power to them.




That's the tone I got from it, but couldn't quite articulate it.
 
#111 ·
A lot of anti-harness people assume that the use of one means that the parents do not also teach and guide their child with words and redirection, keep an eye on their children, and prevent them from doing harm. That is one of the things about their opinions that bothers me most; it assumes that the mom is lazy and ONLY uses the harness, no other methods of discipline.

It was her tone and implied assumptions that caused the discussion to go fowl, not her disagreement. You can express how you feel or whether you use them or not without assuming that a harness user uses no other methods to discipline their kids or acting as though everyone abuses them. Regardless, no one here is being insulting, and the discussion is still pretty civil--just more of a debate now. We have every right to respond to something someone says with our own rebuttals. She stated her opinion and her reasoning; we stated our opposing view. That a leash opens a potential for disprespect doesn't mean that disrespect is inevitably present. I don't know of anyone who begins seeing their child as a dog because of a leash, so that statement seems unfounded.

I think it is good to hear others opinions...but it is also good to discuss them. You cannot reach people without occasionally disagreeing. Moreover, correcting misinformation someone posts as fact is not rude, just as having an opinion isn't rude; your tone and the way you words things are much more important. I haven't seen anyone slamming anyone around either.
 
#112 ·
I have a harness for my DS, it works a ton better than holding his hand...you walk around either stooped over at 19-month old toddler level or hold your hand above your head for a while, see how you like it.

I love and respect my child enough to give him a little bit of freedom and independence without risking his safety. IMO thats what good attachment parenting is all about, knowing your child well enough to know what kind of interaction they need. My son NEEDS to be able to explore. I will not risk him being kidnapped or pulled under the wheel of an SUV because I had to blink.
 
#113 ·
I appreciate the links to the backpack harnesses
I intend to get one to have on hand. BTW, I have my dogs on leashes when we go out in public, & I certainly don't drag them around (considering they weigh 125-150 lbs, the dragging would likely be more in their favor anyhow, if they weren't trained!) My dogs are smart, & they know the rules (walk politely, stay next to me, don't jump on people, no grabbing things off shelves), but they can't speak up if lost, don't always reason out dangerous cause/effect results, don't have much traffic sense, & I don't want to gamble their lives w/traffic & an off-the-wall impulse... hmm, sounds like some little kids!
 
#114 ·
WOW, took awhile to read through all of this... glad I started at the beginning so I didn't feel the need to rip on anyone for matters I clearly don't understand!


Since the OP did ask for thoughts, I figured I'd mention that we have one that is the harness-type, that I have only used a couple of times for when I had to fly home, pregnant, with my very active toddler, for my grandfather's funeral. DH is in grad school and could not take the time off. DD was at a point where she didn't want to be in a stroller and would throw a fit; she was content being able to "do it herself" and not have to hold my hand, and I felt she was safe and I could waddle along at my pace without having to worry about her writhing away from me in her quest for independence.
 
#116 ·
We got the doggy backpack/harness for my son when we first visited a big city and wanted to let our new-to-walking son stretch his legs when we were visiting an aquarium. At that age, it didn't work very well - but he loved having the dog to play with!

Now we are in the middle of a vacation where he used "Doggie" in a major airport. The backpack part was perfect for holding a family picture and a little note paper with his name, our name and cell number, his grandmother's phone number in our city of origin and his grandparents' number in our destination city. Why? We wanted to make sure that he was identifiable (and so were we) if he broke away from us or was stolen. We had him either in our arms or walking holding our hands the entire time - we never had any intention of letting him roam around freely (he's 19 months). Thankfully, we never had to use the info in his backpack on the first half of the trip. But for our peace of mind, I'm glad he had it and will have it for the return trip.

We only used it in the airports, he hasn't had it on him since on this trip (other than when he requests "Doggie" in the car to hug on - but he's not strapped into it). It's just another level of security for us and a little bit of freedom for him in a busy place. I'm really glad we have it!
 
#117 ·
I didn't read the whole thread b/c i know the debate..but I ddid use for DD in airports and in Disney world so she could explore and not be trapped in a stroller. also we did NOT use one on her to keep her from running off b/c she isn't that kind of kid. We used it b/c she could wander off easily or be stolen in airport while I was busy with a ticket agent or such. My DS dosn't walk yet but his tempermnt leads me to beleive he may be a runner nd he may need to be in one for other resons. I honestly think MOST moms agree that whatever is needed to keep them safe is best. I never got a dirty look.
Not even when DD played doggie while wearing it
 
#118 ·
LOL! She played doggie? That's too funny. I can't believe you didn't get any dirty looks for that. If you don't get any negative comments on this board because of that I'll be shocked. I have a sister who has a puppy dog outfit she likes to wear. Imagine how funny it would be if she wore it to the mall and was on the leash, playing doggy. She's having fun and is happy; mom is enjoying a shopping spree...and I can just see all the onlookers, some of them pointing and giggling and understanding...and some of them unable to contain their fury at how this smiling child is being 'demeaned' by being dressed as a dog, put on a leash, and then allowed to bark in the mall. *eyeroll*
 
#119 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cmlp
I would think that this kind of treatment, like spanking, is humiliating and demeaning to an older child, for whom we should have enough respect to teach him or her proper behaviour on the street, rather than controlling his bodily movement as one would with an animal.
I guess my point is, what if your child is just not getting the teaching? How much time is one to spend teaching a child proper behavior? I'm not asking for an answer to that, an actual time frame; I'd just hope you could consider that just because a parent is using a harness/leash it doesn't mean that they aren't teaching their child; maybe their child just isn't developmentally, or temperamentally, or intellectually able to get it and the parent is taking time to teach them, but until they reliably get it they want to have a back up instead of worrying their child will be unjured or worse.
 
#120 ·
Threads like this amuse me. It's funny (in a you gotta laugh or you'll cry sort of way) to see how judgemental some people are without knowing others' circumstances. Ah, to be naieve and free to judge mercilessly as I was before I had an autistic child....
:

Special needs kids just change your life in so many unexpected ways.

:
 
#121 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by The4OfUs
I guess my point is, what if your child is just not getting the teaching? How much time is one to spend teaching a child proper behavior? I'm not asking for an answer to that, an actual time frame; I'd just hope you could consider that just because a parent is using a harness/leash it doesn't mean that they aren't teaching their child; maybe their child just isn't developmentally, or temperamentally, or intellectually able to get it and the parent is taking time to teach them, but until they reliably get it they want to have a back up instead of worrying their child will be unjured or worse.
You see, that is what really hacks me off. Some assume that just because some of us use the leash/harness/whatever, that we are just not teaching our children properly, or that we are lazy. I do my best with my son. He is also taught in school. Part of their curriculum is life skills. But, you know, until that child makes the connection, they are going to do exactly what they want to do. Like with potty training. I did potty training with my Autistic son from age 2 on, when he showed interest. It took me until he was FIVE YEARS OLD. It was not because I was "lazy" or my parenting skills sucked lemons. It was because he didn't "get it". Same with using the harness. I didn't want to use one. But, the child would NOT stay by me, would bolt suddenly. He was too big to tote around, too big for a stroller, and would wrench my arm getting away from me. He did not like to hold hands. I didn't have a bunch of people at my beck and call to help me with him and my other child.

Sometimes you do what you have to do to stay safe, even if you don't care to do it.

Like I keep saying. Live a day in my life, or the life of someone else who has used the harness for good reason. Then you can sit on the high horse and judge us.

I don't mind debate and respectful banter. But, someone telling us we are ridiculous, and someone else saying that using a harness is akin to beating a child, and some other rather rude commentary, is not respectful, nor does it help in any way.
 
#122 ·
Quote:
As I said, human beings should be masters of their own bodies except in exceptional circumstances.
So are you opposed to slings? What's less confining--a sling or a harness?

This conversation always makes me crazy because it is so obviously about adult perceptions, not logic and facts. Does it make any sense for someone to smile at me while I am confining a child in a sling but to give me a dirty look when I am confining my child in a harness? (By the way, my child would not tolerate the sling once she could walk, but happily asked for her harness, knowing it gave her freedom.)
 
#123 ·
I hated them until I had a very active toddler.
We used a monkey backpack toddler leash (bought at Target, available at Wal-Mart too... $10-$15) on him whenever we flew. It was great. He had "freedom", looked cute, but was slightly restrained. I had a hand free to push his brother in the stroller. Eventually, my son became too strong and Mr. Monkey's tail ripped off. My Mom repaired it, but it didn't hold. We'll probably buy another one for my youngest once he becomes more explorer-bound.

It was both for safety and convenience (for me). Mainly used it while travelling... although my son "liked" wearing his backpack... so we'd let him wear it and carry toys in it without the leash.
 
#125 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by loraxc
So are you opposed to slings? What's less confining--a sling or a harness?
Not at all. We have a babycarrier and sometimes still use it with our 2-year old. But if she starts squirming out of it, down she goes. I only use it now when she is in a real "I just want my mommy" mood and needs the closeness.
 
#126 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by cmlp
...there are definitely valid arguments against putting one's child on a leash and lashing out at people who suggest that this might not be a very humane thing to do to a child...
I completely missed this. What "valid arguments" are there against the use of "leashes"? How is it not "very humane" to allow my dd to go out and have fun, when she'd have otherwise been confined to the house?
 
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