I know there is a book list but I could use some suggestions specifically for this. I am at a loss and have such a punishment kind of mindset. She is so amazing and creative and intelligent and I hate hate hate clashing with her and I know there must be a better way to do things. Any recommendations?
For starters I liked Your Three Year-Old:Friend or Enemy by Ames and Ilg b/c it made me realize how normal this type of behavior is. Then I also liked Secret of Parenting. It was a good starter book for me to move away from punishment. I'm reading Unconditional Parenting and have the others sitting on my shelf still...but I did like those first two and they are quick reads, if you're busy.
Ok this is one of those answer in you head after you read the thread title but before you actually read the thread. first thing that popped in to my mind "Mr. Boston's Bartenders Guide" for mama enjoyment only!!!
Anytime I see the term "strong-willed" I am strongly moved to recommend, Hold On To Your Kids My Gordon Neufeld. His definition of strong-willed enlightened me in a HUGE way and his chapter on "Counterwill" alone was worth the read. The whole book is excellent and broadened my perspective and further nurtured my parenting and my relationship with my son. I have 4 books in all that I continually go back to for help and "mind-nurture" but for the specific question you ask, I can highly recommend HOTYK.
I just read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, by Becky Bailey, and got some good ideas out of there. Though I must admit that I occasionally thought, "Yeah, right, that would never work." But that was mostly for the older kid recommendations.