"Say you're sorry" - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Do you expect your children to say they are sorry when they have intentionally hurt another child?

If so, what purpose do you feel it serves? I am NOT in any way trying to sound sarcastic. I really want to hear your thoughts on saying they are sorry.

I personally don't tell them to say they are sorry. I might suggest they have something to say, but I don't expect an apology. Especially if what they did was intentional, then chances are that they aren't at all sorry.

Other side of the apology:

IF the other child who hurt your child (intentionally) is told to say "I'm sorry", do you feel like your child should say "That's O.K". ??

My friend's son is VERY VERY sensitive, so maybe this is partially him. But, he refuses to accept an apology if he feels it is insincere. (It's kinda funnY) He's six and will say "I appreciate your apology, but I do not accept it". It leaves the kids baffled. LOL
nextcommercial is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 05:53 PM
 
becoming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,592
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Your son sounds great!

No, I don't believe in forcing kids to apologize. What's the point? If they're really sorry, they will either say it on their own or their actions will show it. If you have to force them to say it, chances are they're probably not sorry, in which case you're basically forcing them to lie. Not good.

Re: "That's okay," I kind of feel the same way. I don't like the idea of a child being made to say a particular phrase, regardless of whether it's true or not, just because that's what is expected of him/her.
becoming is offline  
#3 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 05:54 PM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 6,857
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 23 Post(s)
It's good for little kids to know that it is a convention to apologize. Otherwise, they don't know what to do if they regret doing something wrong.

Forcing apologies isn't the same thing as giving that information.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is online now  
#4 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:00 PM
 
cravenab00's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 1,817
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
this is new to me. I DO tell my children they need to aplogize. I feel that if I dont that they will learn that hitting is ok.

it scares the crap out of me to think that a child would intentionally hurt someone and deliberatley not be sorry, to me this sounds sociopathic.

why should I not have my children say sorry?

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
cravenab00 is offline  
#5 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:01 PM
 
LizaBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,047
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, I insist on apologies. Even if they aren't heartfelt, they are something that etiquette requires in our society. It's good manners to say it.

The "That's Okay" part though - no, we don't say that (as adults / parents) and don't ask our children to do so either.

Canadian mom to Boo (Aug '02), Bug (Aug '04) and Bear (Dec '06).
Jesse (July '09)
LizaBear is offline  
#6 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:04 PM
 
Viriditas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 1,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My brother and sil were here visiting a month ago and they CONSTANTLY demanded apologies of my neices (2 and 3). It drove me CRAZY! For my part, if 3-y-o dn accidentaly hurt 2-y-o dn (something that happened a lot) I would say something like, "oooh, it looks like I. is really sad/hurt/upset. Maybe there's something you could say to her/do to make her feel better." And she would perk up and run over and apologize and give her a hug immediately.

I liked this because it both directed dn's attention to her sister and let her figure out how to improve the situation, instead of dictating to her what SHE needed to do.
Viriditas is offline  
#7 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:06 PM
 
abac's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,567
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't make my child say anything. I wouldn't suggest that he apologize either, because he already does apologize when he hurts a child accidentally, and I would assume that if he doesn't say it, he's not sorry.

As for saying, "That's okay" in response to an apology, if another child is apologizing to my son and seems uncomfortable, I might smile and say, "That's okay." I would never require ds to say it.

Children learn manners and social etiquette through modelling. They don't need to be actively taught. Ds doesn't watch how I treat others, so much as he watches and imitates how I treat him.
abac is offline  
#8 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:07 PM
 
FlyingPigs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: in the desert
Posts: 31
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Not trying to criticize, but does making them say they're sorry actually make them FEEL sorry? Being forced to say words that one does not necessarily feel might perhaps encourage comfort with LYING more than it would discourage comfort with hurting someone intentionally.
Making tnem apologize doesn't make them understand that hitting isn't ok...it just makes them know that they will have to say certain words after they hurt someone, whether they feel sorry or not.
A sincere apology is one thing, a forced, insincere one is another.

I personally squirm when a child hurts my DS and the parents are trying to force the child to apologize. A mumbled "sorry" coerced from an insistent parent feels fake to everyone involved.

blessings,
Carrie
FlyingPigs is offline  
#9 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:13 PM
 
becoming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,592
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingPigs View Post
Not trying to criticize, but does making them say they're sorry actually make them FEEL sorry? Being forced to say words that one does not necessarily feel might perhaps encourage comfort with LYING more than it would discourage comfort with hurting someone intentionally.
Making tnem apologize doesn't make them understand that hitting isn't ok...it just makes them know that they will have to say certain words after they hurt someone, whether they feel sorry or not.
A sincere apology is one thing, a forced, insincere one is another.

I personally squirm when a child hurts my DS and the parents are trying to force the child to apologize. A mumbled "sorry" coerced from an insistent parent feels fake to everyone involved.

blessings,
Carrie
:

Exactly the point I was trying to get across.
becoming is offline  
#10 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:31 PM
 
lurable's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Halifax, NS
Posts: 732
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingPigs View Post
Not trying to criticize, but does making them say they're sorry actually make them FEEL sorry? Being forced to say words that one does not necessarily feel might perhaps encourage comfort with LYING more than it would discourage comfort with hurting someone intentionally.
Making tnem apologize doesn't make them understand that hitting isn't ok...it just makes them know that they will have to say certain words after they hurt someone, whether they feel sorry or not.
A sincere apology is one thing, a forced, insincere one is another.

I personally squirm when a child hurts my DS and the parents are trying to force the child to apologize. A mumbled "sorry" coerced from an insistent parent feels fake to everyone involved.

blessings,
Carrie
my thoughts exactly. I would never want to teach a child that 2 words can make everything go away, because they can't. I will, however, keep nurturing her empathy. She is still young, but when she hurts another child her first instinct is to comfort the child-this to me is so sincere. If, when she is older this changes, I would most likely appologize to the child on her behalf --giving words to their feelings "I am sorry dd hurt you, I bet that you feel upset right now" something like that. I would have a conversation with dd too to help her learn to give words to her feelings of frustration or whatever caused the behaviour.

Laura WAHM to Mar 03/01/05 and Evie 05/14/08, partner to Craig
lurable is offline  
#11 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:37 PM
 
NiteNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 4,580
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
I don't really see the point in trying to make a child say sorry (or please, or thank you). You can't really MAKE anyone say ANYTHING and it just sort of sets you up to stand there repeating yourself as your child gets more and more self concious and less and less likely to say whatever it is your asking for. And then either you have to give in or ...what? I don't know. When the time comes (still very small kiddo here) I will say *I* am sorry.

Quote:
IF the other child who hurt your child (intentionally) is told to say "I'm sorry", do you feel like your child should say "That's O.K". ??
How about, "Thank you?"

Quote:
My friend's son is VERY VERY sensitive, so maybe this is partially him. But, he refuses to accept an apology if he feels it is insincere. (It's kinda funnY) He's six and will say "I appreciate your apology, but I do not accept it". It leaves the kids baffled. LOL
That seems rude. Someone has humbled themselves enough to give an apology (even an insincere apology takes a little humbling) - to me, that's just rude. And if he's old enough to have thought of that himself (and isn't just repeating a line he's been told to say), he's old enough to understand why that's kinda just rubbing it in. Of course, this is easy to say when I'm not standing there trying to hold back a giggle :
NiteNicole is offline  
#12 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:43 PM
 
AngieB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LizaBear View Post
Yes, I insist on apologies. Even if they aren't heartfelt, they are something that etiquette requires in our society. It's good manners to say it.

The "That's Okay" part though - no, we don't say that (as adults / parents) and don't ask our children to do so either.
I totally agree with this. I see it as being a way for the child to understand that if you hurt someone you must make amends.
AngieB is offline  
#13 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:47 PM
 
rmzbm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 15,098
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, I don't "make" them say sorry, I don't MAKE them do much of anything. I may ASK if they're sorry...but if they aren't, they aren't. They are entitled to their own feelings.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
rmzbm is offline  
#14 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 06:53 PM
 
JJsMomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 36
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I usually just explain how it's not nice to hit and that's not how we make friends, etc, etc, etc. Sometimes I will ask, "Now what should you say?" And he'll say sorry or just run off and play. I don't care either way. Whatever he decides. I think he should say it out of respect but I wouldn't force him. As long as he knows that it was wrong, that's good enough.
JJsMomma is offline  
#15 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:10 PM
 
newmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,774
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by LizaBear View Post
Yes, I insist on apologies. Even if they aren't heartfelt, they are something that etiquette requires in our society. It's good manners to say it.

Agreed. DH and I believe in teaching DS to apologize whenever he hurts someone. Intentional or not.

If he refuses to do it, we won't push him, but DH and I will apologize to the Parent and the child on his behalf.

Also, we will say to the child "are you okay?"

You have to be sure the child is phsyically okay.

Also, apologizing is making sure there is Peace and no confusion. Not apologizing just seems to keep air thick with tension.
newmommy is offline  
#16 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:22 PM
 
tboroson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Honalee
Posts: 6,187
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think that insisting they apologize will teach them to be truely sorrowful. But, I do think it teaches them a very important social convention. I don't believe these conventions are totally arbitrary. Yes, it is possible to say "thank you" or "I'm sorry" and not mean it. But, it's also possible to feel regretful or grateful and be embarrased to express it. So, I do encourage my kids to say those things.

At dd2's age, just over 2yo, I don't make a huge deal about it. I'll suggest to her that she say these things, very low-key for "please" and "thank you", with a little more insistance for "I'm sorry". But, I don't force the issue. I think reminding or suggesting an apology is a useful teaching tool at that age, but making it into an Issue isn't going to help us any.

For dd1, who's 4-1/2, I'm a little more insistant, though not as much as some parents, I think. I tell her, you're old enough to understand why these things are important. You understand that when you're hurt, the simple words, "I'm sorry" are the first step to your feeling better. If you want people to be courteous to you, you must be courteous to them. If you want them to continue to want to play with you, you need to be kind, and "I'm sorry" is kind.

I also want to make sure they understand that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't give them free reign to continue to hurt. I want them to understand that it's both a convention and something that needs to be heartfelt.

Intentional hurting is truely the only thing that I'm a stickler about. It wasn't much of an issue with dd1, who would occasionally hit or bite but not frequently. But dd2 seems to be a real fiend for it - and she has a preferred target for her aggression. Unfortunately, her big sister is picking up on her habits. I've really had to crack down on that. My solution is that any child who is being physically aggressive is removed from play and sits quietly for a few minutes. I guess you'd call it a time-out, though I'm really careful to make sure my kids know that it's not a removal of love, it's not a seperation from family, it's just a removal from the situation for a few minutes until they calm down and can play nicely. It's calm down time, and it's time for the kid who was the victim to recover and resume playing. It certainly isn't fair that the kid who did the hurting gets to continue playing while the kid who was hurt goes to cry for five minutes. Kids don't want to play with kids who attack them. It's not fair for the kid who's a victim to have to leave the game/toy/situation, so it's only logical to remove the aggressor.
tboroson is offline  
#17 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:31 PM
 
amyjeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: my fourth day
Posts: 2,490
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I expect my children to say sorry~when they feel sorry. When my oldest would hit her little sister, my initial reaction would be "Say you're sorry!" but instead I say, "Hitting is not acceptable, you hurt your sister. " She would then cry, and run away- to which I would say, "Saying sorry means you want her to feel better and you won't do it again. When you are ready, please tell her that."
I lead by example. If I hurt my kids anyway- like raise my voice, I say I am very sorry and I hope they can forgive me. They respond with, "I'm sorry, too and I forgive you mommy."
They're so sweet.

Mama to 5 babies. UCer, too!
amyjeans is offline  
#18 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:34 PM
 
daniedb's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,336
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DS has a great sense of empathy, and he only acts in a manner that "calls for" an apology with other children with whom he is very comfortable, so it's been a blessing that I can work this out with close friends. This is what I've found works for us: if DS performs an action causing the other child distress, I will pull DS aside and explain that the other child is crying/upset because DS bit/kicked/whatever and it hurt the other child. Because he almost always feels empathy for the child, I ask him, "How does it make you feel when Other Child is crying?" He will reply, "Sad." And so I can then say, "When we hurt someone, sometimes it helps to say that we're sorry. Would you like to tell Other Child that you're sorry?" If he says no, I leave it, and I apologize on his behalf, but I don't force him to do it at 2 and 9 months, it's just too early for me to decide what to do if he doesn't genuinely feel badly, KWIM?

As for the flip side, we've decided that the most authentic response to "I'm sorry" from another child is not, "It's okay," because it's NOT okay to hit or kick or hurt, and I don't want DS to learn that, nor do I want him to feel like I'm asking him to accept the other child's behavior as okay, so we use, "I forgive you." When the other child says I'm sorry, I will say something like, "Henry, Other Child said he was sorry that he bit/kicked/whatever you. That means he feels sad that you were hurt. Are you ready to forgive him?" If he says no, again, I don't push, but I do sit with him until he's calmed down and we discuss what forgiveness is and within a minute or two, he's almost always feeling better and will spontaneously respond, "It's okay" or "I forgive you" to the other child.

My hope is that through this modeling, he will learn our beliefs that we all have a need to ask for forgiveness in life, from each other and from God, and that not forcing it nor making it a huge shaming issue will teach him gently that it's okay to make mistakes, and that it's important that we take responsibility for them and accept that we are never going to be perfect.

We're in the early stages of this, so take it for what it's worth.

Mama to H (6) B (3) : A (1)
daniedb is offline  
#19 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:38 PM
 
Leilalu's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: SW Washington
Posts: 7,801
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I encourage my kids to "make it better" when they hurt someone. Usually this just means, for my kids, that they give a hug(their own response)and a kiss.Ds like to give a kiss as well,he is very affectionate!
I think with kids it is good to teach them that their actions won't go unchecked. That if they intentionally hurt someone, they need to set things right. I feel this is just basic manners.

i do not expect them to say"its ok" That is just weird.Because, you know, in many cases, everything is not all better all at once.

Due with number 5 in August. We do all that crunchy stuff.
.
Leilalu is offline  
#20 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:42 PM
 
Lady Madonna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Washington State
Posts: 604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD is 3. I do not force her to apologize. I was forced to apologize all the time as a child and it stopped meaning anything. Words without sincerity are pointless and insulting to the person who was hurt.

If DD hurts someone, accidentally or unintentionally, she must (and I will help her with this if necessary) check in with them. That means asking if they are OK. If they aren't, she asks what they need - an ice pack, a hug, some space. And then she respects that. I will ask her if there's anything she wants to say to the other child, and sometimes she says "I'm sorry", sometimes she doesn't, but she'll say something kind or just leave the child alone depending on the mood.

I, of course, make sure the other child is really OK, and make that child's needs a priority - DD doesn't get extra attention for behaving badly or unkindly. And when it's taken care of, DD and I have a talk about what happened, why what she did wasn't OK, how the other child felt, and how to handle the situation next time.

Mama to DD : (7/23/03) & DS : (10/27/06) married to DH 7/20/01
and yet 90% more mainstream than the rest of MDC
Lady Madonna is offline  
#21 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 07:44 PM
 
lisac77's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 3,191
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do encourage DS to apologize if he hurts someone, and I model the same thing to him (i.e. if I step on him by accident I apologize). If DS doesn't want to apologize I do it on his behalf. I honestly don't care if he's sorry or not, he still needs to apologize for injuring another person. However, I don't force him to say anything.
lisac77 is offline  
#22 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Madonna View Post
DD is 3. I do not force her to apologize. I was forced to apologize all the time as a child and it stopped meaning anything. Words without sincerity are pointless and insulting to the person who was hurt.

If DD hurts someone, accidentally or unintentionally, she must (and I will help her with this if necessary) check in with them. That means asking if they are OK. If they aren't, she asks what they need - an ice pack, a hug, some space. And then she respects that. I will ask her if there's anything she wants to say to the other child, and sometimes she says "I'm sorry", sometimes she doesn't, but she'll say something kind or just leave the child alone depending on the mood.

I, of course, make sure the other child is really OK, and make that child's needs a priority - DD doesn't get extra attention for behaving badly or unkindly. And when it's taken care of, DD and I have a talk about what happened, why what she did wasn't OK, how the other child felt, and how to handle the situation next time.
That is exactly how I handle it too.
nextcommercial is offline  
#23 of 83 Old 10-10-2006, 08:49 PM
 
coloradoalice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,707
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I do not force my daughter to appologize. Instead I do explain the situation to her and gently suggest she go and check on the person she hurt. I do not force that either. I also go and check on the one that was hurt myself and model the behavior for her. 9 times out of 10 she decides she wants to check on the person that is hurt or sad and she then usually appologizes, or pats, or hugs the person.

I do not force those words though, because I feel that would teach my daughter that you should lie to please other people. I think that would be a deep lesson that would be much more damaging in the long run. I want her to be true and honest. By modeling the behavior to her I am teaching her to have empathy, and not to be a parrot.
coloradoalice is offline  
#24 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 02:20 AM
 
P-chan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 744
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We do the "make it better" approach, much the was Lady Madonna describes. Saying "I'm sorry" is one possible way to start making things better.

The other day my son pushed a friend and did not want to talk to him afterwards, so I didn't force anything. I checked in with the friend (who was OK), immediately took my son home, and talked to him a lot about how to make things better with his friend. We saw them the next day, my son apologized genuinely, and all was well.
P-chan is offline  
#25 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 03:55 AM
 
tatermom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,242
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Since DS is 20 mos we're just working it out now, but when DS hurts another child (he pushed one of his little friends a few times today ), I encourage him to notice how the other child feels: "See, DS, your friend is so sad! Can you think of anything you can do to make him/her feel better?", then (since he's still young) I prompt him: "Maybe you could give a hug? And can you remember what you can say that makes people feel better?", and then if he doesn't think of it, I prompt him again with the word: "sorry", which he usually is happy to say and give the hug-- though I would never force him to do this and would apologize on his behalf if necessary.

I don't want "sorry" to be something that automatically pops out of his mouth as though it has the magic effect of making everything all better, so we're focusing on other things like hugs, finding a toy to give the other child if that was the source of the dispute, and noticing how sad he/she is so that he'll eventually understand that saying sorry is just the first step in making up for a mistake, whether intentional or accidental, but I agree with many of the pp's that it's an important social convention. I will never "make" DS say sorry (or any of those other words I've heard parents forcing their kids to say), but, at least while he's so young, I feel comfortable prompting him with the words. Of course, we also do a lot of modeling, as we all apologize to each other when appropriate. Once he is older, I expect that I'll be able to stop prompting, but maybe a gentle reminder might be still required, which I think would be ok as long as it does not embarrass either child.

Mommy to two boys, ages 4 and 6.

tatermom is offline  
#26 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 09:40 AM
 
angela&avery's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: new england
Posts: 2,438
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My kids dont intentionally ever hurt other children, so thats not a problem... or ... well I should say rarely because I can remember one ot two instances.

However there are times that it happens by accident and they DO feel bad. If its someone we/they know, I suggest, you could say sorry or give some comfort... whether thats a hug, a pat on the back whatever... it helps them to make amends. I never insist on it, and they always offer something at my suggestion.

With each other I often make them hug.... It makes them laugh and makes both children feel better when they've been fighting... (but they are only 3 an 5, I dont think I would do that with older children).

I feel like they want to offer comfort bc they see me offer comfort, and if they decided not to comfort the child that was hurt, they would see me doing it.. which would be teaching for next time it happens.

but, to just let it go....and not say anything or suggest apology.. just seems a little rude.
angela&avery is offline  
#27 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 03:17 PM
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would apologize on his behalf, sort of. I say "thank you" on his behalf as well.
Not like "Keagan says he's sorry" but more like "oh! sorry that you got hurt" then try to figure out ways to make it better. I might give ds information about "what can we do to make him feel better."
I do point out how his actions do/can affect other people. ("Lily looks hurt because you accidently stepped on her" and "Sometimes it helps to say your sorry" Something like that. It's never really come up, but that's what I think I'd say.

I say "that's ok" when someone apologizes. But I'm not always comfortable with it. I like "thank you" a lot.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
#28 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 03:26 PM
 
beanma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: with the dustbunnies & sugar beans
Posts: 8,097
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
well, i have been asking/telling dd1 (5.5) to say she's sorry. i don't know if that's the best way to handle it or not. she's a very gentle soul except around her little sister (3 next month) whom she likes to whack on the head whenever she feels her space invaded or just feels out of sorts. i think she's just more comfortable letting those agressive impulses out at home, on someone smaller than she is. dd1 is a very sweet and gentle kid, but she is not very empathetic at all. it's all about her, which is age appropriate i guess, but i think she really needs some guidance with empathy. she's a little egoist, sweet though.

anyway, here's an incident that happened just the other night. older dd was lying on my lap on the couch with her knees sticking out and one of her knees bumped little dd, though not very hard. dd1 did not say sorry. dd2 poked dd1 with one finger (again not too hard). then dd1 started poking back and dd2 was getting ready to whack dd1 when i intervened and explained to them what was happening. "dd1, your knee bumped dd2 and you didn't say you were sorry so dd2 poked you. dd2 i don't think dd1 meant to bump you, there's no need to poke her, etc". at that point dd1 said "i'm sorry" and dd2 gave her a hug and it stopped there and didn't escalate further like it often does.

i feel like i need to address it somehow because i don't want to let dd1 get away with it and send dd2 the message that whacking each other on the head is okay. urrrggghhh. i don't know if strongly encouraging "sorry i whacked you on the head" is the best way of approaching it, but i sure can't just ignore it. i will be rereading this thread to add some ideas to my toolbox. i just need to practice them so i'll be able to pull them out in the heat of the moment 'cause i GET SO MAD when i see dd1 whacking my baby dd2 on her head or twisting her arm around. grrrrrr....

ETA: "thank you" as a response to sorry is one we use around here sometimes. other times "that's okay" works. "i forgive you" occasionally although that sounds a little stilted and patronizing to me.

Mamatreehugger.gif to two girl beans, Feb 2001hearts.gif and Nov 2003coolshine.gif . DH geek.gif, and two crazydog2.gifdog2.gif . Running on biodiesel since 2004!
 
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
beanma is offline  
#29 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 03:36 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I answered this in another thread, so I'll just copy what I said there:

As for the whole "I'm sorry" thing. I don't make my kids apologize, and I don't exactly apologize for them, either. If dd (my aggressive one!) were to push/hit a child on the playground, I would probably say something like, "I'm sorry that happened - dd is making a lot of progress at dealing with her aggression, but she still has a ways to go"...apologizing for the incident, and letting the other child and parent know that it is something we're dealing with. I'd hate to leave them with the impression that I just don't care that their child was hit!

I might suggest to dd, out of earshot, that it would be nice to apologize, but I won't force the matter. If she doesn't feel sorry, I see no value in making her mouth the words. I don't have a problem with "empty" social pleasantries, such as "please" and "thank you" at the dinner table, or whatever. But, I hate insincere forced apologies with a passion. I was on the receiving end of many of them when I was younger, and I much preferred no apology at all to one given under duress. I also don't think that "say you're sorry" teaches kids anything about empathy or repentance.

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#30 of 83 Old 10-11-2006, 03:42 PM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,792
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't force my daughter to say anything. I do remind her to apologize if she's hurt someone, though. (We've also talked about how you can't just say you're sorry and do the same thing over and over again. It's not a "get out of jail free" card. : )

She models quite well based on dh's and my behavior and usually says please, thank you, you're welcome, and sorry. Sometimes she gets caught up in the moment, as do we all, and needs a reminder. I think that's good manners and is an important skill to learn.

If she refuses, I apologize for her. Not, "Qualia's sorry she hurt you," because I don't know if she is and it's not my job to say that for her. But I will say, "I'm sorry you got hurt. I hope you feel better." Then I remove her from the situation, because if she's having trouble apologizing, chances are she's in a mood where she'll act out again and she needs a little space to calm down.

ETA: I really dislike it when parents make their children hug another child after hurting them. A woman at our playgroup always did that and the LAST thing dd wanted after getting whcked in the head by this kid was him coming at her with his arms up. It seemed so disrespectful of dd's feelings.
earthmama369 is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off