Oprah's show on teen dating abuse - Mothering Forums
Gentle Discipline > Oprah's show on teen dating abuse
NoraB's Avatar NoraB 05:47 AM 04-18-2003
I caught the show this afternoon while DD was napping and found myself wondering how many of these girls had been spanked as kids. I have to wonder if there is any sort of connection. I mean, if a kid is spanked, the parent will rationalize that they're "doing it in love." It seems to me that a kid who is never hit simply would not accept being hit by a partner (of course, this probably isn't always true). Does this make any sense? Seems that a child who is spanked would have a harder time seeing hitting as unacceptable. Okay, I'm just rambling here...feel free to ignore me.

CollegeMama's Avatar CollegeMama 11:24 AM 04-18-2003
I agree. People are attracted to abusers because that seems familiar and like home. If your child doesn't have violence in the home, then it would feel weird to be with someone like that. Even their mannerisms and the way they handle stressful situations would be a turn-off.
That's my take on it anyway!
sparklemom's Avatar sparklemom 12:26 PM 04-18-2003
i also agree.
you can also probably assume that in addition to being spanked
these girls on oprah were also never really shown a sincere unconditional love from their parents.
Tigerchild's Avatar Tigerchild 03:35 PM 04-18-2003
Quote:
Originally posted by sparklemom
you can also probably assume that in addition to being spanked these girls on oprah were also never really shown a sincere unconditional love from their parents.
No offense, but WHY could you probably assume this?

I hear people make judgemental comments like this all the time. Why so quick to blame the parents for bad decisions on the part of the kids? There is a lot of pressure to have a boyfriend. We are bombarded by pictures and media glorifying abuse in our society. Sometimes trusting people are taken advantage of by other people who know how to manipulate and twist and keep things 'secret'. I know parents who have gone to the ends of the earth to try to protect their kids, to get them out of situations like this, to offer them safety and sanctuary, and get rejected at every turn. Signs of problems in a young adult, particularly over relationships, sexuality, drug use, ect...they are not automatically an indicator of cold, insincere, loveless parents.

No wonder families are so reluctant to openly seek help and talk about problems like these. They have to face this type of from-the-hip judgement, and prove their innocence and deal with outsiders blaming them before they can even begin to get help.
sparklemom's Avatar sparklemom 04:52 PM 04-18-2003
no offense taken. it's no secret that statistically most people who find themselves in abusive relationships when they're grown came from an abusive family. of course there are exceptions.
and yes, as far as one of the specific questions posed it is true that kids that are spanked have a harder time seeing that hitting is simply unacceptable.
i would certainly not even for one second let from-the-hip judgements or superficial appearances get in the way of finding help.
CollegeMama's Avatar CollegeMama 05:19 PM 04-18-2003
Quote:
Originally posted by sparklemom
no offense taken. it's no secret that statistically most people who find themselves in abusive relationships when they're grown came from an abusive family. of course there are exceptions.
and yes, as far as one of the specific questions posed it is true that kids that are spanked have a harder time seeing that hitting is simply unacceptable.
i would certainly not even for one second let from-the-hip judgements or superficial appearances get in the way of finding help.

I totally agree sparklemom. The statistics are there to support this...
Quote:
Predictors Of Domestic Violence
Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behavior.
Domestic Violence Site
Momtwice's Avatar Momtwice 11:36 PM 04-18-2003
ITA Nora.

Spanking on the butt can be sexual abuse in my opinion, so close to the sexual organs...it messes with a kids' head.

I have deep respect for those people who are trying to heal from being spanked and trying not to spank.

Quote:
A growing body of evidence indicates that perhaps the parent or authority figure who uses the rod, spoils, or at least harms, the child, especially a girl child.
In fact, a growing number of experts believe that children, in general, and girls, in particular, should not be spanked at home or subjected to corporal punishment at school. Experts say such spankings can precondition girls to accept violence and boys to rely on it.

...it is setting those girls up to be victims of future male authority figures, whether it be a boyfriend, husband or employer...

... "The intention of spanking is to cause pain and the causing of pain to girls and then saying 'I love you' is not healthy."

... it has harmful side effects that can include juvenile delinquency, domestic abuse and even depression.

...Another study shows that children who are spanked have more difficulty with interpersonal relationships...

"Spanking... teaches physical response to problems and immediate obedience."

"It's all part of a cycle of violence--loss of self esteem, accepting violent behavior..."

"Just as we as a society no longer condone a man striking his wife," he says. "We as a society should no longer condone the striking of our children, especially our daughters."

Experts: Spanking Harms Children, Especially Girls
By Melinda Rice - WEnews correspondent
September 23, 2001
The quotes are from various people in this article ***MAY DISTURB SOME!!!*****
http://nospank.net/women.htm
khrisday's Avatar khrisday 02:06 AM 04-19-2003
I think that people with low self esteem (and of course a lot of people who have an abusive background will have low self esteem) tend to get into abusive relationships. My sister was in an abusive relationship as a teen, and we were not spanked as children. She did have low self esteem, though.
lovingmomto3's Avatar lovingmomto3 12:41 AM 04-20-2003
Spanking on the butt can be sexual abuse in my opinion, so close to the sexual organs...it messes with a kids' head.

I am not defending spanking here but, I see sexual abuse as something that some one is getting some sort of sexual satisfaction out of. My dad physically abused us but, it was the face, arms, legs(pretty much anywhere but the bottom)that was the worse places. As bad as he was I don't believe he got sexual gratification out of it.
Janie
NoraB's Avatar NoraB 10:31 PM 04-21-2003
Momtwice: Thanks for the quote!



Quote:
I am not defending spanking here but, I see sexual abuse as something that some one is getting some sort of sexual satisfaction out of. My dad physically abused us but, it was the face, arms, legs(pretty much anywhere but the bottom)that was the worse places. As bad as he was I don't believe he got sexual gratification out of it.
I'm not saying you're wrong about spanking not being sexual abuse (I'm not sure what I think about that issue), but I don't think that sexual abuse is always about the abuser getting sexual gratification out of it. I think the abuse is sometimes about power, and the fact that the abuser can lord it over someone who's smaller and unable to defend his/herself. In that respect, I can see spanking being very similar to sexual abuse, especially given the fact that it often involves parts of the body that we normally consider "private."
Pynki's Avatar Pynki 01:05 PM 04-25-2003
Well..

I had a bf who hit me when i was about 17.. His dad hit his mom, and he hated his dad... So when he started hitting me it didn't occur to me that he was doing it because he said he never wanted to be like his dad.. (If that makes sense) Also, since i'm not the type of girl to take a beating i would hit him back.. It wasn't beating, but he would get frustrated and swat me, or at e.. Or punch me in the ar, so i would do it back..

I have had friends in terribly controlling abusive relationships.. THey said the same thing.. You don't realize they are being abusive until after yo're out of the relationship.. Then it never happens again.. Well not for them, or me... We have loving parents.. (well for the most part)...

Just my experience on this one... Teenagers make their own decisions, and sometimes you don't realize what a situation is until you are no longer in it...

Warm Squishy Feelings...

Dyan

Momtwice's Avatar Momtwice 01:27 PM 04-27-2003
There is much more about the possible connections between spanking and sexual abuse at

http://www.nospank.net

but if I spend too much time reading the articles at that site I start to feel really sick and start remembering being spanked myself......so I will leave it at that, there is the link for those who want to research.
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