I'd like to give my friend a hint... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-18-2003, 12:41 PM
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Well...we have just moved back to my dh's town.
I went to visit one of my best friends last week and ...came back home a little bit saddened and surprised...
Well, her dd is 15 months now and it's true she's been going to a daycare everyday since she was 6 weeks and she goes even on her mommy's day off (9-5!!!). She is so violent and honestly I had to take dd out of her sight otherwise Jordy would get a smack..
Anyways, everytime she hits, she gets spanked and to me that will never teach her a thing...what message does my friend send if she responds the same way? Why should SHE stop hitting when Mommy doesn't?
I would love to tell my friend, but I know she'll think I criticize her parenting.
They already think we do things wrong, because we co-sleep and breastfeed...
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#2 of 6 Old 04-18-2003, 12:50 PM
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That's a really tough one.

Personally if someone doesn't ask for my parenting advice - I try not to give it. I know how much I hate when I get unsolicited advice - KWIM?

As long as your friend isn't abusing her child, then I wouldn't say anything directly. That doesn't mean you can't casually mention they way you handle similar situations - like, "What works for us when my dc hits is to (insert your gentle idea here)." Maybe she'll give it a try.
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#3 of 6 Old 04-18-2003, 12:57 PM
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You're right...maybe I should just let it go...

Afterall I'm not raving when they yap about our AP style...I just don't offend easily and when they say things I don't mind much, because I know it's not going to change anything and I'm sure I do the best I can for Jordy...
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#4 of 6 Old 04-18-2003, 04:10 PM
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i would not let this go.
when/if someone criticizes my parenting philosophies it doesn't for a second offend or bother me because i believe whole heartidly in our parenting from the heart, ap style parenting. if your friend takes serious objection to you criticizing her spanking/hitting her baby then she clearly has issues with it herself.

frankly i would be unable to continue a friendship with her. i honestly would not want my children to be around that type of parenting. if you want to stick around to represent positive parenting that's understandable. but i absolutely could not wittness a child being treated that way without speaking up regardless of how uncomfortable the conversation made me feel. the child's well being is on the line---feelings should be put aside. very sad.
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#5 of 6 Old 04-18-2003, 05:42 PM
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This is a tough one-- b/c I agree that no one likes unsolicited advice.

BUT, should you decide to talk to her about it, I would try and pose it as a question and at a time that she's calm.

Soemthing like: "You know, the other day when you daughter was struggling with not hitting, it made me think that at some point I'm going to have to try and tackle that issue with my own daughter. When I thought about how to try and teach Jordan not to hit, it occurred to me that trying to teach her not to hit by spanking her might send really mixed messages to her, you know? I was wondering what you think about it? Is the spanking working? Are there other things you've tried?"

Maybe later in the conversation, throw in that you heard about x,y, and z techniques for teaching kids to be more gentle (like the technique of rubbing their hands gently or using some sort of soft fabric to rub their hands) and ask her what she, as the mom of an older baby, thinks.

If you approach it from more of a "mom-to-mom, how do we solve this problem?" sort of angle she may not get quite as defensive.

It also may be that she spanks because she doesn't know what else to do and, in this case, is just trying to stop it because she doesn't want her daughter hurting your daughter.

You may not get the reaction or answer that you'd like, but perhaps you'll at least plant a seed.
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#6 of 6 Old 04-19-2003, 10:37 AM
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Yes its tough bc she is being who she is, as are you (bad grammar sorry its late)

Btw, she IS abusing her daughter, just not by mainstream views

How about you send her brief but potent info via email with a note saying, "hey I read this, and loved it,wanted to share it with you"...especially choose a Dr. or "mainstream study" document that she will be less likely to reject.

Anyways, everytime she hits, she gets spanked and to me that will never teach her a thing.
I mean what the is that?!

She models the very thing she doesnt want her to do? Nuts isnt it. Ignorant and sad too. Education is everything.
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