Does everyone "really" spank? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 03:17 PM
 
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Does eveyone really spank?

NO. I have been parenting for almost 6yrs now and have never laid a hand on either of my children in anger.

That does not mean I have endless patience it just means hitting has never been something I had considered or thought about. Just never on my radar.

to those who are struggling.
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#62 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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Nope never spanked my kid. He is almost 2 and I never will either. Not everyone spanks but I'm sure she thinks that to feel better about herself.
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#63 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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Originally Posted by majazama View Post
I have a very hard time being totally GD.

I'm really amazed that some of you can get through it without spanking, or yelling, etc., but I imagine that your circumstances are way different than mine.

I think it's easy to judge people who hit, or have hit their kids.

I'm not at all proud of it. I am young (21 when my first was born, another baby 19 months later, both unplanned pregnancies) I have moved about 10 times since the first was born. I have no income net. I'm living alone right now, but will be living with my DP again soon, so that he can take care of the kids more (lives far away now) I moved to an area where I don't know anyone. My dad was a hothead. I was spanked. I think I wasn't able to "grow up" before I had kids. I'm just a kid too, still.

I think if I had planned my pregnancies, grew up, and had stability in my life (partner, $, home...) I would be a total GD-nut, like you all are.

maybe I'll be where you are one day.
This rubs me wrong too. My bestfriend lived in a cemetary and a shelter (when there was room) through her prengancy when she was 18. She even got disowned by her family and grew up in a VERY abusive home. She never hit her child. She was GD and didn't/doesn't know it. I don't think there is any excuse for hitting someone who can't defend themselves. Partners or stabitlity isn't going to make GD easier for you. You can only change yourself, within yourself. Those things are external.
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#64 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 04:06 PM
 
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Circumstances can certainly explain -- but never justify -- family violence. Like domestic violence between adults, hitting children tends to be passed down from generation to generation. And life stressors certainly do cause people to do many harmful things to one another.

This is one of the reasons why I would personally vote to ban child-hitting in one hot second. Then that "permission" that some of us give ourselves would be legally withdrawn. I'm sure violence against children, like violence against adults, would still occur. But I do think it would happen less frequently and that people who were struggling with it could get the help they need to stop.

I am not judging those who find themselves embroiled in this cycle. I honestly can't even relate to the impulse to strike a child but that does not mean I don't have my own parenting baggage that I struggle with. The only people I have a real problem with are people who know better but continue to rationalize violence against children. People who acknowledge that it is wrong and are working to stop get from me!
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#65 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 04:24 PM
 
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I don't think it's fair or meaningful to compare people's responses to stress or life situations. Some people could endure the worst situations imaginable and never feel an urge to hit. Others deal with those urges at even mild provocations.

It's a little like a nonsmoker being judgemental over a tobacco addicts attempts to stop smoking, or a naturally slender person being critical of those who struggle with overeating.

If majazama finds that life stresses make her feel more compelled to strike her children, then that is her reality and that is what she must struggle with. I think she's just looking inward at what she feels have contributed to her own propensity to hit (youth, instability, single parenting, her own exposures to violence), not really excusing herself over it. And I see in her a little bit of wistful envy over those who haven't had to deal with these constellation of issues. That's pretty understandable.
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#66 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 05:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by blessed View Post
I don't think it's fair or meaningful to compare people's responses to stress or life situations. Some people could endure the worst situations imaginable and never feel an urge to hit. Others deal with those urges at even mild provocations.

It's a little like a nonsmoker being judgemental over a tobacco addicts attempts to stop smoking, or a naturally slender person being critical of those who struggle with overeating.

If majazama finds that life stresses make her feel more compelled to strike her children, then that is her reality and that is what she must struggle with. I think she's just looking inward at what she feels have contributed to her own propensity to hit (youth, instability, single parenting, her own exposures to violence), not really excusing herself over it. And I see in her a little bit of wistful envy over those who haven't had to deal with these constellation of issues. That's pretty understandable.
thank-you.

Exactly what I was going to say.

I was just answering the question. I guess I put myself up for the critisism. I'm a NFL parent, and I have spanked, though I try not to.

The condescending posts aren't very helpful, you know.

Whenever i do, I always tell my DD that I'm sorry afterwards, and that I shouldn't hit her. She's such a sweetheart too, and I feel terrible afterwards. I know that once they reach a certain age, I will not feel like I have to discilpine them in that way. I'm soooo looking forward to that day, when we can talk about things, and get through it that way. My DD is really quite slow on the development area, so it's like shes 2-3 most of the time (acts like her little sister)

My life stresses affect me differently than they would someone else. Some people who live in a cemetary while pregnant at 18 can live peacefully with their children after they are born. that is awesome! and I bet that lineage will live on, meaning all her grandchildren will be peaceful to their kids.

I heard once that some people can be traumatized over nothing, really, and others can never be traumatized. Like someone who as a child walked all the way across Europe alone, after getting out of Aushwitz, and they turn out fine. But me, I've had an ok childhood, though I had numerous things happen to me via 'friends' and teachers that I believe severely traumatized me ( i don't want to elaborate). as well as seeing my dad blow up all the time (he never hit us, but would throw things, and make alot of noise. as I kid, me and my brother would roll our eyes at each other. that must affect me too, even though I thought it didn't then, genetically, or just conditioning, cause I'm a lot like my dad)

I really hope that my girls will grow up and never have the urge to swat their kids. I don't think they will. They understand it's wrong, because every time it happens, I apologize.

thanks for the support, everyone who sent it. I will try my very best from now on (what I tell myself daily)
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#67 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 05:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Hippiemommie View Post
. You can only change yourself, within yourself.

What about if you never get a break from your kids??? And these days, they don't like to let me have any alone time at night either, and they stay up til 2 am with me?: that's when I have nil patience.

I know I need to work on myself, but I, personally, need to have alone time to do that. I really want to do Vipassana (meditation for 10 days straight), and have wanted to do that since I was pregnant with my first DD, but I'm a dedicated ap mama, and I don't want to leave my two YO nursling till shes ready for that. I also plan to do cleansing, to hopefully get rid of past things stored in my body, but again, I have a 2 YO nursling.

I'm hoping that next spring, I will be able to do those things that I believe will help me to be a better person.
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#68 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 07:12 PM
 
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An AP friend of mine said that everyone, even the most gentle mamas, has spanked in anger. It made me feel like I was being set up for failure (as I have an 8 month old and haven't experienced even the slightest desire or urge to spank). Is this really true (that all GD'ers have failed at one time or another and resorted to swats or spanking), or is this perhaps a situation of unresolved issues being projected onto everyone else?
I haven't ever hit my dd. When she was your dd's age I never had the urge to spank either. It came just a few months later. I still get it on occasion, when we are dealing with a particularly frustrating situation and nothing I'm trying seems to resolve it usually. (sometimes just when she is pushing my buttons) but I haven't ever given in to it. I don't really think I ever will at this point either.

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#69 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 08:45 PM
 
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once when my dd1 hit dd 2 i swatted her diapered bum i didnt even think about it, it was almost like a reflex, but i dont think dd even notice (thank god), she was busy laughing and dd2 was crying, i felt terrible and never did it again, and never will!
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#70 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 08:46 PM
 
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Three years old next week, and I've never raised a hand.....I haven't really felt the need, although she can be a very exasperating kid. I have yelled more than I like, but I'm working on it. I know quite a few people who have never hit their kids......It's sort of like in any relationship. Most of us go through our whole lives and never hit our partners, never even think about it. It's not that outlandish.
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#71 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 08:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Raven67 View Post
It's sort of like in any relationship. Most of us go through our whole lives and never hit our partners, never even think about it. It's not that outlandish.
So true. It really comes down to what we find acceptable on some level. DH was raised being hit and, although he has never hit our kids, he does struggle not to be physical (pulling DS into his room, grabbing him, etc.) when he is angry.

Once, when we discussed this he explained that "he just gets so angry he can't not do it." I asked him if he has ever been that angry with me. He said yes. Then I asked if he has ever considered putting his hands on me. He was totally appalled and said "no, of course I never would do that." So I asked him why it was that he gave himself permission to indulge his anger at our kids' expense but not mine. It was very thought-provoking.

He basically came to the conclusion that, having grown up seeing kids violated like that, but never adults, he internalized on some level that violence against kids is more acceptable. He rejects this internalized message but boy is it a powerful one! And he, like so many parents, has to really work hard to remind himself that it is no more acceptable to hit young people than it is to hit older people.
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#72 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 10:44 PM
 
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I've never hit DS (13 mo) and have never been angry enough to do so. He's little, he's exploring, and he's figuring out boundaries. I have held him down firmly but gently to try to change his diaper when he's clearly not having any of it, and he's a wiggler. I'm not sure that "counts" - I'm not angry or punishing, just trying to get the job done, but he HATES that I'm restraining him.
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#73 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 11:46 PM
 
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to the op, do you really think all the mamas who happen to see this thread (wheather they spank(ed) or not) would respond to your thread? I think you are only getting responses from the women who don't spank, and the people who have, don't want to risk getting judged. You'd probably get a better truthful crosssection, if you did an annonymos poll. just a thought.:
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#74 of 135 Old 11-12-2006, 11:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by majazama View Post
to the op, do you really think all the mamas who happen to see this thread (wheather they spank(ed) or not) would respond to your thread? I think you are only getting responses from the women who don't spank, and the people who have, don't want to risk getting judged. You'd probably get a better truthful crosssection, if you did an annonymos poll. just a thought.:
i have spanked, and i replyed, so did some other mamas
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#75 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 12:59 AM
 
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I normally don't give advice, so take this FWIW---and I mean this in kindness, not judgement. We're each in different circumstances, and yet, we share a common belief--that no matter what---there is never an excuse or reason for physical punishment.

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Whenever i do, I always tell my DD that I'm sorry afterwards, and that I shouldn't hit her. She's such a sweetheart too, and I feel terrible afterwards. I know that once they reach a certain age, I will not feel like I have to discilpine them in that way. I'm soooo looking forward to that day, when we can talk about things, and get through it that way. My DD is really quite slow on the development area, so it's like shes 2-3 most of the time (acts like her little sister)
But you don't have to spank them now, either Really. Take it out of your toolbox. It doesn't exist anymore---even as a last resort. Your challenge will be choosing how you will act instead. You can either help them through the tough times or you can literally hurt them. It's up to you. You are the only one with the power to choose your actions and reactions. They don't get that choice. You're the mommy. You can get through tough times, right now, without resorting to physical violence, I have all the confidence in the world in your ability! You are not a victim of your circumstances

For many parents, the day doesn't arrive when suddenly they just magically stop spanking b/c the dc have reached a certain milestone. It becomes a habit, ingrained and the children have learned to expect it

I have a very close friend whose father never stopped spanking him and as he grew, his father simply moved on to punching . Fortunately, my friend chooses to parent his children differently. He has surrounded himself w/like-minded people, read a ton and made the conscious decision not to perpetuate the violence---and then learned what he can do instead if he feels the urge to resort to violence.

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as well as seeing my dad blow up all the time (he never hit us, but would throw things, and make alot of noise. as I kid, me and my brother would roll our eyes at each other. that must affect me too, even though I thought it didn't then, genetically, or just conditioning, cause I'm a lot like my dad)
But you are not your dad. You are a totally separate human being who has choices. No one makes us feel or do anything. It doesn't matter if your father was Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr---you are still the one who is making the decisions regarding your actions. In each moment we choose how we react to what life brings our way. IME, what's really important is to find out ways to prevent yourself from feeling out of control/stressed out/etc. since you'd mentioned you believe you don't handle this well....many of us don't, and we're not GD-nuts : just people who want better for our own children than many of us had growing up

Consider rethinking the image you have of yourself. Instead of saying, "well, I'm stressed out, that's why..." You might think, "Yes, I am feeling stressed, but I can usually do x, y or z and relieve my tension. There are no "bad" emotions. They just are. You are strong and capable...Learn your triggers. You can ask yourself what am I needing? Some mommy time to allow a recharge? Some physical outlet? Quiet? Emotional support? Then take whatever it takes to get those needs met. Waking up an hour earlier, meditating/praying/reading/journaling, etc, etc. Exchanging childcare with another mother...whatever. I think you said you didn't know anyone? Maybe taking walks or going to parks (or whatever opportunities there are in your community to meet other like-minded folks). Reach out. I'm willing to bet there are dozens of mamas here who would be willing to be on-call when you needed some support and an ear to listen

If you have creative skills, you could try and nurture those in ways that are child-friendly Sing. Play. It doesn't have to be a ten day retreat! Do stuff for you, as much as you can. Put the little ones in the bath and sit next to them and read something you'd never normally have time to read Whatever it is that speaks to your heart. Stretch yourself---go beyond what you think you're capable of---I bet you will surprise yourself!

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I really hope that my girls will grow up and never have the urge to swat their kids. I don't think they will. They understand it's wrong, because every time it happens, I apologize.
But why would you think they would behave any differently than you are behaving? You know it's wrong, too, and yet you still do it. Are they learning that when mom is most upset/angry/scared that she resorts to violence? well, at least she apologizes....IMO, it's not a positive dynamic, and it's within your control to change it. You are not a slave to your genetics/conditioning/emotions. You can choose differently than you have before. Right now, as of today

So, if spanking is out of your toolbox, what CAN you DO? Preventing the escalation of your emotions is the best thing, IMO, but....say you're at the edge. You will need something other than simply telling yourself what you won't do. Can you count to 20 or 50 even before you make a sound? Can you sing a song (even if it's in your head)? Can you give yourself a sanity break--five minutes to yourself to regroup? Change locations? Go outside? Pretend there's a video camera hooked up inside your home w/live feed to the evening news? Can you picture your child on the edge of a building, about to fall off---and your next step is a matter of helping her or....

I am not about to pretend I am perfect---not even anywhere close to it. Sometimes, IME, some people only put out the happy details, and we're given an incomplete picture. We all have our issues and our problems and challenges....it's important not to take these out on our children.

We're all on different areas on the road of learning and applying GD, but nonetheless, we're all on the journey together We can meet you where you are, extend a helping hand---and help you discover just how strong and capable you are. Because you are

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#76 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 01:57 AM
 
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I've never spanked, but I sure am a yeller. Not all the time, certainly not every day or even every other day but yelling is the main bad thing that I have to put down.

Even though I don't spank, I sometimes get too physical with DS (picking him up roughly, sitting him down roughly, holding down his legs to stop kicking - none of this is in a gentle manner ). This is usually when HE is already getting physical (kicking, hitting, tantruming) and I react in response to that. I'm not proud of it, but there you go.
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#77 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 02:24 AM
 
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i have spanked, and i replyed, so did some other mamas
I should have just wrote one sentance, and left it at that. I think there are probably MANY more women who feel like that who would never respond to this "poll", because they don't want the judgement (like I'm getting right now)

I didn't want a freakin lecture. I know I'm doing the best I can.

I'm reminded of this...

"don't judge anyone, till you've walked a mile in their mocassins"
-Native american Proverb
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#78 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 02:42 AM
 
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. . . because many of you GD'ers are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to jump down our throats.
I'm sorry you feel judged and lectured. I really do think that the folks here believe strongly in non-violent discipline and seek to help others achieve that. You got several responses because you posted in a way that led me (and perhaps others) to believe that you were hitting your children but really wanting to stop. Of course you will draw advice when you make such a post in a GD forum. Kind of like posting in the circumcision forum that you have circ'ed before and wish to stop (I actually did this and got tons of responses -- all of them anti-circ, of course).

Also, to be perfectly honest, your statement about how you won't feel the "need" to hit your kids once they are older sort of came across as you feeling a "need" to hit them now. Perhaps I have misinterpreted and I apologize if I have, but I suspect that that statement led some of us to want to help you realize that there is no "need" to hit them now. Again, making an analogy, if I went into the circ forum and posted that I "needed" to circ my first son for whatever reason, I am certain that such a post would draw quite a passionate response. So some of your reaction is simply a function of the fact that the people here and MDC generally believe that hitting children is wrong. Always and regardless of circumstances.

I haven't seen the "throat-jumping" in this forum to which you refer and I hope you stick around. We are all on a journey to better our parenting skills and teaching techniques. I have been in other forums (other places) where there is much judgment but here I have seen so much wisdom, support and amazing advice.

Unless you seek to defend hitting children (simply not allowed here), I think we are all here to support and help one another. I don't hit my kids but I don't think that makes me a perfect parent or entitled to harshly judge others. I really don't. But I, like so many others here, refuse to ever justify, rationalize or condone hitting children either. If you are dedicated to stopping, I really believe you can do it! But like another poster said, you must take it out of your toolbox altogether. Best wishes to you and every other mama here who seeks to improve herself!
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#79 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 02:46 AM
 
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I don't think it's fair or meaningful to compare people's responses to stress or life situations. Some people could endure the worst situations imaginable and never feel an urge to hit. Others deal with those urges at even mild provocations.
i never said i didnt feel the urge.
quite the contrary, my dd1 is three. im losing my mind, i rarely get time away from my kids, we dont do daycare, school, babysitters, ect. thanks to my abusive upbringing my knee jerk reaction is to yell and hit. it gets worse when im more stressed, or sleep deprived. its hard, but having children is hard. theres no excuse to ever hit a child.

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#80 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 02:52 AM
 
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But I'm the one that gets all the judgement. I should have just wrote one sentance, and left it at that.
the only thing i found issue with is that you seem to be taking the stance that hitting children is just something young mothers do, which it is not. its like some horrible pervasive myth that we young mothers just arent thinking.

im sure youre an awesome mom and you shouldnt feel attacked. your words just rubbed me the wrong way.

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#81 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:02 AM
 
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So true. It really comes down to what we find acceptable on some level. DH was raised being hit and, although he has never hit our kids, he does struggle not to be physical (pulling DS into his room, grabbing him, etc.) when he is angry.

Once, when we discussed this he explained that "he just gets so angry he can't not do it." I asked him if he has ever been that angry with me. He said yes. Then I asked if he has ever considered putting his hands on me. He was totally appalled and said "no, of course I never would do that." So I asked him why it was that he gave himself permission to indulge his anger at our kids' expense but not mine. It was very thought-provoking.

He basically came to the conclusion that, having grown up seeing kids violated like that, but never adults, he internalized on some level that violence against kids is more acceptable. He rejects this internalized message but boy is it a powerful one! And he, like so many parents, has to really work hard to remind himself that it is no more acceptable to hit young people than it is to hit older people.
that is so true!
and a wonderful way to illustrate to someone who thinks its okay.
it also could explain to people who dont understand why most of us are so appalled at the thought of hitting children.

no ones trying to attack spankers but imagine your reaction if someone said they hit thier partner.

Mother to Sandrel(oct 2003) and Liesl(mar 2006) and someone new coming February 2013

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#82 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:30 AM
 
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the only thing i found issue with is that you seem to be taking the stance that hitting children is just something young mothers do, which it is not. its like some horrible pervasive myth that we young mothers just arent thinking.

im sure youre an awesome mom and you shouldnt feel attacked. your words just rubbed me the wrong way.
poxy~ I'm not taking a stance that young mothers always hit their kids. I think it has a lot to do with maturity. I might not be as mature as you, even if you are younger than me (I'm born august 81, but I'm a late-bloomer... didn't have boobs till 16, etc... I feel young right now, like I'm 15)... It has to do with being able to work through the crap, before having kids (which I was not able to do) Did you live alone for many years before being pregnant? did you procreate with a man you felt was worthy of producing offspring with? Are you happy now in your marriage?

god, there are so many things to contribute to how someone "ends up". Every single person has differnt DNA, and different circumstances. I guess the mind is what really needs to be changed, but some people just aren't ready for that yet.

If I ever end up on this board (I don't come here very often, obviously) I think I will be not at all judgemental of people who hit, and want to change. I'm not the type to do that. I care about the mother feelings, as much as the childs.

I'm glad that there are people like you, who really stick up for childrens rights all the time.

I think it's great if you don't spank, even though you grew up in an abusive home. that's quite a feat, and it must be hard for you.
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#83 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by majazama View Post
I have a very hard time being totally GD.



I think if I had planned my pregnancies, grew up, and had stability in my life (partner, $, home...) I would be a total GD-nut, like you all are.

maybe I'll be where you are one day.
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excuse me but i was 21 when my first was born, totally traumatic unplanned pregnancy, i moved around alot, lived with his mom then my mom, dp didnt commit to our family til sandrel was 7 months old. my dad abused my mom and my mom took it all out on me. not spaking, all out true abuse.
never really planned pregnancies(second was welcomed but not planned), i dont have a stable relationship with my dp, were in poverty and renting from a slumlord. and im a total GD-nut.

please dont buy into the 'young/poor mothers arent as good' rhetoric.
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This rubs me wrong too. My bestfriend lived in a cemetary and a shelter (when there was room) through her prengancy when she was 18. She even got disowned by her family and grew up in a VERY abusive home. She never hit her child. She was GD and didn't/doesn't know it. I don't think there is any excuse for hitting someone who can't defend themselves. Partners or stabitlity isn't going to make GD easier for you. You can only change yourself, within yourself. Those things are external.
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I don't think it's fair or meaningful to compare people's responses to stress or life situations. Some people could endure the worst situations imaginable and never feel an urge to hit. Others deal with those urges at even mild provocations.
I don't think majazama ever said that ALL young mothers spank their kids- she's saying that these were her personal circumstances, it's straining her personal reserves and sometimes she's not able to control her urges to hi. Nowhere did she say that ALL young mothers spank or that ALL young mothers struggle with self-control- she's simply sharing her own story.

I will admit that I've also lost my temper and hit my kids. I'm not proud of it, and I'm working very very hard to control myself, but I'm not always sucessful.

I really have a problem with the "would you hit your spouse or partner?" argument. With an adult partner, you have the option of walking away, or sending him/her away, when things get heated. When you're responsible for a small child, you don't have that option. You can't go out for a walk to clear your head and leave a young child (or several young children) in the house alone. Sometimes you can't even get 5 minutes without being touched.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#84 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:37 AM
 
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I really have a problem with the "would you hit your spouse or partner?" argument. With an adult partner, you have the option of walking away, or sending him/her away, when things get heated. When you're responsible for a small child, you don't have that option. You can't go out for a walk to clear your head and leave a young child (or several young children) in the house alone. Sometimes you can't even get 5 minutes without being touched.
Also, I doubt many of our husbands or partners bite our nipples (well maybe if you like it they do : ) or kick us in the face during diaper changes.

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#85 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:42 AM
 
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Also, I doubt many of our husbands or partners bite our nipples (well maybe if you like it they do : ) or kick us in the face during diaper changes.

~Nay
Or repeatedly scream a high-pitched scream at the top of their lungs, just because they can, or any of the other annoying things that toddlers and young children do that completely get on everybody's nerves.

Between childish behaviors (tantrums, biting nipples, etc) and the constant care (lack of privacy, sleep, and sometimes nutrition) children can evoke rage in a parent that we never knew we were capable of!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
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#86 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 03:54 AM
 
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I grew up in a household where spanking/hitting was pretty infrequent (especially for the South). I was spanked maybe 6-7 times total and always over clothes. No red marks or bruises. So I got off pretty lucky there. They weren't above the occaisonal slap, screaming tirade, grab, yank, etc. etc... you know how it is. I consider my mom to have been seriously emotionally abusive. Dad wasn't but since he runs his own business he wasn't home as much as we (my sisters and I) would've liked.

Someone mentioned genetics earlier in the thread. I'm sure that plays a huge role in how you feel in a situation and even how you react. But, I also agree with someone else who says you have to take control of yourself. I can use myself as an example. I have a bad temper. Mom said a few times that I have "The Classic Italian Temper" I'm quick tempered and oh god do I get pissed. And I mean like that **snaps fingers** I'm talking kick a hole through the wall type mad. But it's over in a split second. I am never, ever angry longer than it takes to mutter explitives under my breath or kick something across the room (I'm working on that--hey I haven't thrown something in anger in quite a while ) The thing is, with my temper and my upbringing I could have easily ended up a spanking parent. But I didn't. I made a promise to myself, my husband, and my son that he would never be spanked by anyone. He's 2 and I've kept that promise. It's hard, even after two years I sometimes feel like I could hit him if I would only give myself permission. That's why I'm so glad I made that promise.

Oh and sadly I know more than one AP/NFL family who spanks/smacks hands.

~Nay

Reneé, 34 year old mom to Antonin 8/04 and Arianna 9/06  (6 weeks) 5/08. Married to Matt since 6/03 .  
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#87 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 04:42 AM
 
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poxy~ I'm not taking a stance that young mothers always hit their kids. I think it has a lot to do with maturity. I might not be as mature as you, even if you are younger than me (I'm born august 81, but I'm a late-bloomer... didn't have boobs till 16, etc... I feel young right now, like I'm 15)... It has to do with being able to work through the crap, before having kids (which I was not able to do) Did you live alone for many years before being pregnant? did you procreate with a man you felt was worthy of producing offspring with? Are you happy now in your marriage?

god, there are so many things to contribute to how someone "ends up". Every single person has differnt DNA, and different circumstances. I guess the mind is what really needs to be changed, but some people just aren't ready for that yet.
i was born in aug 82, i feel about 16, never lived on my own, pregnancy was unplanned and i certaintly wouldnt have picked him, im not married.
ive been working through my crap since i found out i was pregnant. with the added fun of bipolar, ocd, ed, poverty, and a crumbling relationship.
of course every person has thier own contributions and baggage but at some point you have to start taking responsibility for your actions.

im not saying this to you or trying to be harsh or anything but your own violations are no reason to violate another.

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I think it's great if you don't spank, even though you grew up in an abusive home. that's quite a feat, and it must be hard for you.
it is hard... but most good things are

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Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I don't think majazama ever said that ALL young mothers spank their kids- she's saying that these were her personal circumstances, it's straining her personal reserves and sometimes she's not able to control her urges to hi. Nowhere did she say that ALL young mothers spank or that ALL young mothers struggle with self-control- she's simply sharing her own story.
i never said that she said *all* young mothers hit, i didnt initiate absolutes in my original post.
i have no issue with her personal circumstances, i dont even have an issue with her losing control and hitting her child(ren). my issue was her rationale that less should be expected of her because of age.

as a young mother i find that rationale extremely offensive.

Mother to Sandrel(oct 2003) and Liesl(mar 2006) and someone new coming February 2013

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#88 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 12:13 PM
 
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Also, I doubt many of our husbands or partners bite our nipples (well maybe if you like it they do ) or kick us in the face during diaper changes.

Quote:
Or repeatedly scream a high-pitched scream at the top of their lungs, just because they can, or any of the other annoying things that toddlers and young children do that completely get on everybody's nerves.
Can we please not blame the children (even in a joking way).
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#89 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 12:33 PM
 
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No judgement from me, but please be careful with the lack of maturity reasoning and the when my kids get older reasoning. My father was 33 when I was born. I was spanked and belittled as a child. Did it get better the older he and I got? No! I was screamed at, pushed to the ground(and kicked while I was down once!), hair was pulled, punched in the arms and legs, etc,etc until I moved out at 16. Dealing with a child as they get older often gets MORE difficult as they become independant. Address the issues now while it's still fairly "easy". I'm not saying you will become abusive as your child gets older but be careful.
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#90 of 135 Old 11-13-2006, 12:36 PM
 
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I wanted to add that my father still claims that while he sometimes did things wrong I was a horrible difficult child. The implication that it's not so much his fault. If I say I'm tired because of the baby it's "payback" because I was such a demanding baby. A parent needs to take responsibility for their actions and work to change them if they want a good relationship with their child. I have a hard time even seeing my father 2-3 times a year.
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